The time read 11:03 AM as the mother of the child I was taking care of for the night started talking to me.
“Alright, we’ll be back around 10:00,” Mrs. Keen says as she opens the front door, letting her husband go out first. “I hope Camryn doesn’t give you too much trouble, she can be a bit… how do you say it without being rude...”
“I understand ma’am,” I interrupt. “Everything will be alright!”
“If you’re sure... Just be careful, alright?”
“She’ll be fine, Shannon.” Mr. Keen intervenes. “Right, Ruby?”
“Yeah! You have nothing to worry about.” I say enthusiastically, trying to end the conversation quickly.
Mrs. Keen waves as they drive away, and I wave back as I shut the door and lock it. Turning around, I find Camryn sitting on the couch in the living room just staring at the blank TV screen.
“Camryn? Whatcha lookin’ at...?” I say as I walk over to her, tapping her shoulder.
She blinks, as if coming out of a trance, and smiles at me, “Sorry Miss. Ruby! I was looking at my friend Luci over there!”
“No… it’s okay. Just wondered what you were doing.” I look up and at the TV where nothing and no one was.
“I’ll be right back.” I say quickly, slightly scared of what the child was seeing.
I quickly walk to the kitchen and see that Mrs. Keen had put her phone number on a sticky note saying, ‘call me if you need anything’. I sigh and dial the number into my phone.
“Hello?” I hear on the other line.
“Hi…” I start, “Its Ruby. Uh- your babysitter.”
“Oh yes! Hello! Is something wrong?”
“Well… I’m not sure. Camryn was staring at nothing earlier and I just wanted to make sure that was normal…”
“Oh! Yeah… She does that sometimes. Should have warned you! Sorry dear. Just give her something to eat. That should distract her for a bit.”
“Distract her? Wha-” The beeping sound of the other line hanging up interrupts me before I could finish the sentence.
Even though very confused, I decide to follow the woman’s advice.
“Camryn do you want a snack?” I yell out.
“Sure.” She said, kind of deadly, cold and short.
“Okay! Do apples work?”
“Yeah...” She replies, almost unsurely
I grab an apple and kitchen knife and start to cut the apple. After cutting it, I grab a plate from the cupboard and place the apple slices on it.
“Camryn!” I shout. “You have to come sit at the table and eat! I don’t want you to make a mess on the couch.”
I hear little taps as Camryn runs into the kitchen excitedly. She runs up to the kitchen table and pulls out a chair. I set the plate in front of her, and she grabs one and bites down on it.
“Is it good?” I ask, sitting in the chair next to her.
She excitedly nods her head as she continues to eat the apples.
“I’m glad you like it sweetie.” I smile and stand back up. “After you finish would you like to play a game? We have a whole…” I glance at the clock, “…Eleven hours to kill.”
“Yeah, okay!” She says while still chewing.
“So… Who were you talking about earlier? The… friend of yours?”
“Oh! That was just Luci, she can be a bit silly sometimes.”
“Okay…”
We sit in silence as she continues to eat the apple slices. After she finishes around half of the apple slices, she stands up, rushing away from the table.
“Come on Miss. Ruby!” I hear her yell from down the hall, still running.
“Okay! I’ll be right there!”
I stand up and slowly walk over to Camryn’s room, which is in the basement, and grab the doorknob when I feel something grab my arm.
“Not in there.” Camryn coldly says.
“Oh, sorry sweetie.” I let go of the door handle and turn around. “Where are we gonna play?”
She drags me to the living room, where a gameboard is already set up.
“Right here.” She replies, leaving no room for any other option.
“Oh, okay…”
I sit down in front of the gameboard, making Camryn let go of my arm and walk around to the other side to sit down.
“Luci, are you going to sit down?” She looks up at the TV screen again.
The light flickers slightly, making a small noise. We both sit in silence for a minute. I, only being quiet because I was processing what was happening, shift's slightly, causing the floorboard under me to creak. Then, I finally spoke up.
“Who…?”
“Luci, my friend.” She snaps her head to look at me.
“Oh… Okay…”
I shift uncomfortably where I was sitting and look to where Camryn was staring. And as expected, I saw nothing.
“No, she’s not the same one as last time silly. Remember? That one’s gone now.” She says, interrupting the silence.
My eyes widen as I realize what she had said.
“Yes, I know.” She says sadly, as if being yelled at by a parent.
“Gone?” I question finally. “Who’s gone?”
“Luci didn’t like my old babysitter… So, she’s gone now.”
“Gone… As in-?”
She cuts me off, though it doesn’t sound like it was actually her speaking.
“Dead.”
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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YOU NEVER TOLD ME YOU COULD WRITE.
Hello, My Friend!
Pleasure to meet you! My name is Raven, and I’d like to review your opening chapter, using my personal review style, the (downsized for length) Familiar method! Let’s dive right in, shall we?
~ A full analysis and breakdown
Ooo, what a cool chapter!! The imaginary friend—that turns out isn't as imaginary as you'd like. Classic yet always creepy! I mean, this works well as a standalone short story, but if this is just an opening chapter...What else is there going to be?? Let's get into the details though.
Plot and Pacing: Simple yet sweet! I like how one moment, everything seems normal, then the next, Carmyn is doing something that immediately sets off alarm bells in your head, like "wait, what the heck are you seeing?" The blunt-worded ending, just "dead," is the cherry on top ~ It is a little on the short side, but that's not necessarily bad, especially if this is just a first chapter.
Descriptions and Setting:Not bad! You definitely cover the basics, with the TV and the door of Carmyn's basement-room, but I feel like the setting is a bit lost on me. Immersion can be such a powerful tool in scary storytelling too, maybe it would help to expand a little. Like, for the house, just a general color palette and a style can help readers picture the bulk of the setting. For example..."Their house was a classic (bungalow / ranch-style / tract house / etc), with a focus on (warm wood tones / yellowy colors / pale tiling / mild floral patterns / etc)." Maybe throw in some spooky details—like a drawing on the fridge featuring Carmyn and Luci, or some chewed-up game pieces implying someone got violent with them, and I think that could really help not just immerse the reader, but double up on the creep factor >:D
Grammar and Wording: I only caught one specific typo, which I dropped in the next section. Otherwise, looks good!
~ Some nitpicks and little recommendations
Not much to put here at all! Let’s break it down…
This sentence just read a little bit awkwardly, specifically because of that "even" in the first part. Perhaps "though very confused" or "even though I was very confused" would help?
However, that is just my opinion! And that’s all I have for section. Great writing job ~
~ My reactions, theories, and favorite parts
Now to highlight some favorite moments and reactions, starting with...
Oh heck no, as soon as I read that, I was like "alright, something's amiss here!"
I enjoyed this subtle cue. Like it could be taken as something normal, but in a setting where creepy stuff is already kinda weird and the kid is talking about seeing friends, it just makes you wonder. Is this Luci "responding" in a way?
Ooo, a chilling end! Especially with that detail, how it doesn't sound like it was actually her. Did Luci take over? Is Luci real, or just a part of Carmyn? Hm...Fun little thing to theorize about~
MadThoughts...Overall, that was cool! Nicely done!
"They who dream by day are cognizant of many things which escape those who dream only by night."
"Words have no power to impress the mind without the exquisite horror of their reality.”
"I would define, in brief, the poetry of words as the rhythmical creation of Beauty."
LET'S GOOOO SOCKZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!! Anyway, I literally love this. The part where she's just staring at the wall and says she was talking to someone who wasn't there, CHILLS. Also, the last bit, where Ruby gets cut off with Camryn saying that the last babysitter is dead, it's so scary. Also, I'm not just being nice because I have to, it's really good.