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Life or Death ~Book one It Begins Chapter 7

by Shikora

Chapter 7

Cold sweat ran down Vipers face as he looked at the dead body’s around him. Blood covering there golden scales. Fear frozen upon their faces. Weapons littered the floor he stood on. The once yellow sand now stained a dark red. Viper looked up to the ash filled sky.

Viper slowly stepped over bodies scanning their faces as he paces. Great horror washed over him when he saw Zectra lying on the ground with a sword though her chest.

Viper turned to look to the fort. When he saw it in the distances he ran towards it. Smoke floating into the air as its structure burns. Yellow flames flicker in the wind, loud crackling sounds could be heard as it burned the thick wood to ash.

Viper could hear laughter behind him and spun around. Coming face to face with a black one.

The Onex Wyvern eyed Viper up and down his beady silver eyes looking for a week spot. Viper watched him his body shaking knowing what is to come. The large black dragon stopped in front of him and lunged wrapping his chew around Viper’s neck. Viper could feel the air leaving his lungs. He wanted to fight back and get air but his body wouldn’t allow him to move.

Viper could feel the presser on his neck the life slowly leaving him. Warm blood trickled down his neck. Viper closed his eyes feeling the life leaving his body. He looked around him. The fort he has spent his hall life in burnt down to rewinds. The smoke rising to the sky making it as black as night. The sun peeked through the smoke making it red.

Viper yelled out in agony as he felt his neck begin to snap. The sound of his bones snapping filling his ears. Pain shot up and down his body.

Viper’s eyes shot open as he awoke from his nightmare. He shook his head trying to get the image out of his head. He slowly got to his feet and shook his body to get the sand off of him.

Loud shouting could be heard from outside the room.Viper walked over to the door and opened it. Other solders ran past his door and up into the courtyard.

Viper joined in the housel to get ready. He ran to where he had put his armor the day before. He placed his body armor on and strapped it down. Then he picked up his wing shears and sharpened them with a rock that lay on his shelf. Then he did the same to his talon caps.

‘I still can’t believe we are doing this.’Viper thought to himself as he lined up with everyone else waiting for the chief.

The large Sand Wyvern walked towards them his armor shining in the morning sun. His dark eyes scanned the young dragons before him. “This is the day you have all been waiting for. If you die you will die with honor. Now everyone get a weapon and we will be heading out.”

Viper along with the others ran over to get their weapons. Viper picked up his sword it’s thin silver metal shining in the light. ‘This is it the moment I have been waiting for.’Viper placed his sword in its capsule that covered the sharp blade.

Following Venom they all walked over to the heavy steal gates. Viper watched as Venom pushed them open along with a few others. He could also see the general in the front line.

Once everyone had walked out they spread their wings and took to the sky. Viper glanced to his side and saw Sooky flying next to him. Viper could see fear planted upon his face as he flew.

They were heading for their death. But just maybe they would win this fight. Unsure Viper slowed his pace to look around him. Thousands of dragons his age and younger surrounded him. They passed the village they patrolled every day and farther into the distance.

This is real. He was going to fight against one of the most hated tripe’s in all of Lavvania. He knew he would most likely die. That thought troubled him greatly. But there was nothing he could do but fight.

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639 Reviews

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Reviews: 639

Fri Sep 28, 2018 4:57 am
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SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...

Hi, Shikora! I'm back and ready to review~

So I'm getting back into the story, and I liked the beginning section of this. I do agree with Carlito that the first part is distinctly different than the second and gives the feeling of simply being for filler. However, I like the idea that you're trying to use here, and I definitely have used something similar for my own writing. What feels missing to me is the repercussion of the dream on real life. So, Viper has this creepy, unnerving, horrifying dream of his entire life slaughtered (even dying himself!) and then he wakes up.

That's just it, when he wakes up it feels as if the dream is completely lost and so it feels as if nothing was gained. I like the ominous atmosphere and the prophetic dream just disappear. Now, I understand that immediately when he wakes up, he's swept into the rush to go get ready and go fight, but I was wanting more from Viper emotionally. I wanted to know what he was thinking as he was putting on his armor, what he was feeling when he saw everyone around him.

At the end you have some amount of emotion, but it feels like it was stuck in there at the end and not properly woven into the narration. Describe to us how he's feeling not only through direct sentences (such as, "that thought troubled him greatly") but also with what words you use. How does he put on his armor? Clambering into it, hands shaking in anticipation? How does he join the hostile? Running hastily or his feet reluctantly dragging him? These small phrases can ad a lot when it comes to the atmosphere of the piece, and I was wanting a much darker atmosphere to show that the dream affected something.

Writing wise, I feel like a lot of your sentences are distinct from one another. This is hard to describe, but I'm reference the flow of how the entire paragraph as a whole reads. I'll just quote the entire first paragraph:

Cold sweat ran down Vipers face as he looked at the dead body’s around him. Blood covering there golden scales. Fear frozen upon their faces. Weapons littered the floor he stood on. The once yellow sand now stained a dark red. Viper looked up to the ash filled sky.

If you notice, the first sentence is about a difference subject and while they are connected in the sense of describing the dead warriors, they feel choppy. The reading between the pauses feels abrupt and systematic. This is something that you get more comfortable with as you write a lot (lot) more but it's something I'd like to draw your attention towards. Try to think about how the sentence you just wrote connect to the one before it? And how will it connect to the one you're about to write? If it doesn't or it's loose, maybe you should start a new paragraph, or maybe find something that would flow a little better.

I know that's hard and confusing, but you'll get it with a lot of practice! If you want to ask any questions or want me to clarify, let me know! I'll be happy to help out ~ ^^

Best of luck!
- Wolfe

Shikora says...

Thanks for the review Wolfe! And thanks for the great input. I'll fix everything in this chapter when I go back and edit.

I under stand what your saying with the flow of the paragraph I've been getting better at it as i write.

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Fri Sep 21, 2018 2:27 am
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Carlito wrote a review...

Hello hello!! Here to bring this out of the green room for you! :D

You're related to felistia right? I've read a few different versions of her books about dragons. You guys and your dragons. It's cool :)

So I tend to focus on bigger picture things when I review novel chapters rather than grammar and sentence level nitpicky stuff because I think that's more beneficial in the early stages.

This chapter had two distinct sections - the dream and then getting ready to leave on this mission. I thought that opening part was really dynamic and dramatic and then when I found out it was a dream I was like oh. The rest of the chapter felt a little anti-climatic in comparison. Is the dream really necessary? It shows the fear and anxiety sure, but is it adding to the overall plot arc or is it going to confuse your readers? I think the second portion of the chapter does more to move the plot forward because they have to leave on this mission so they can do the mission, but it felt more like a filler chapter or a transition chapter than a plot moving forward chapter (and all chapters should move the plot forward).

I think you have a couple of options. One, you could take the dream part out and focus on the getting ready and leaving and you could add in some interactions that further some characterization or a subplot point. Two, you could leave the dream in but show more of the impact of the dream after waking and connect that to anxiety about leaving on this mission (internal conflict). You probably have more options than that, but that's all that immediately comes to mind :)

One other thing to be mindful of and to watch out for is showing instead of telling. This felt like a lot of telling. Watch out for feeling verbs (see, hear, smell, feel) and show us the experience instead. The difference of "He could see a man approaching from the distance" to "A man approached from the distance" - the first example you're telling us what he sees, the second example we see what he sees. It's tricky! I have to fix this a lot in my own work :)

I'll leave things there for now, but let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! (And you're my 1050th review!!) :D

Shikora says...

Thank you so much for the great review. I'm planning on rewriting my book when I'm done. So I will add everything you said in this review into all my chapters. It's really great to hear what the reader thinks of my work. It makes me feel a lot better.

And Yes @felistia and I are related.
If you want I can tag you next time I post?

Be careful or be roadkill.
— Calvin