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Before The Dragon (Revamp) - Chapter 2.2

by ShadowVyper


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

Teryn’s neck sprayed crimson blood across Jerica’s face as she stabbed the arrow into it. How he didn’t collapse she didn’t have a clue, but a moment later his hands wrapped around her throat and slammed her into the ground. She gagged as he pressed the palm of his hand down on her Adam’s apple.

Her elbow slammed into her pile of armor that she’d left behind when she entered the tunnels. She reached blindly into the midst of the pile, searching for her dagger, as she pressed her other hand into his face and tried to claw at his eyes. Her hand landed on the hilt of her weapon, and she yanked it from its sheath.

Jerica brought the dagger around and slit Teryn’s wrist in a fluid motion. He howled, blood gurgling in his mouth and spraying from his wrist at the same time. His hand hung limply, spurting blood every few moments onto her chest and neck. She brought the dagger up under his ribcage, sinking it into his lung through his side.

His eyes grew wide and then rolled back into his head, and he collapsed on top of her. She felt the blood welling on the floor, against her bare shoulder, and cringed, struggling to get Teryn off of her. She rolled him over and scuttled away on the ground, then flopped onto her back and closed her eyes, panting.

“Jer!” Rek was at her side in an instant. “Are you okay?”

“Fine,” she huffed, swallowing hard. Her throat felt constricted; the memory of Teryn’s fingers still resting hard against her neck.

“Your arm!”

She opened her eyes and followed his gaze towards her left shoulder, vaguely aware of a throbbing pain. She sighed as she saw a long, horizontal gash across her upper arm, just below the shoulder. He must have gotten her with the sword as he fell. “Can you tie it up for me?”

“Of course.” Rek reached around her and cut the tail off Teryn’s tunic, and wrapped it around her upper arm, slowing the blood sliding from the wound in large droplets.

Jerica pushed herself up to a sitting position and took a deep breath. She was a sorry sight. Her thin tunic clung to her abdomen, soaked with Teryn’s blood. She rubbed her face and looked down at the blood smeared on her hand, wondering how much was still on her face.

“What’s going on?” Zaire’s voice was muffled from where he remained in the tunnel.

“Think we should let him out of the tunnel?”

“I’m going to put my armor back on, first.” Jerica pushed herself to her feet and strode towards her now-disheveled pile of armor. She flopped back down on the ground next to it and pulled her breastplate over her head, grimacing as she had to lift her arm to shrug the armor into place. She clamped her right hand over the cut on her left for a moment to calm the throbbing, then reached up and began cinching the leather thongs into place.

"This a good idea?" Rek looked down at her skeptically. "He'll want you to go see the physicians."

"It's better for him to order that." Jerica shrugged. "You know Levin and Biryn will twist it if I make that decision. Derik can send me back to the barracks if that’s what he wants."

Rek sighed then nodded. "Probably so. Here, let me help you."

He knelt and quickly fastened her remaining buckles, then offered her a hand up. She took it and allowed him to pull her to her feet. She unstrung her bow and put it back in its case, then strapped it onto her back next to the quiver, and fastened her sword belt around her hips.

"Let him up." Jerica gestured at the podium as Rek finished with his armor.

Rek stepped forward and pushed the podium out of the way, then opened up the hatch.

"Hand your sword up first," Jerica ordered. "Then climb up here."

Zaire's sword appeared through the hatch, handle-first. Jerica bent and took it with her right hand, left arm still hanging limply at her side. She stepped backward as Zaire climbed through the narrow hatch.

Zaire's eyes landed on Teryn's bloodied corpse. His face paled as he glanced at Jerica before fixing his eyes firmly on the ground by her feet. He sank to his knees in front of her, hands palm up on the ground in front of him.

"Why?" Jerica asked crisply, gesturing at Teryn's body with the tip of Zaire's sword.

"I had nothing to do with that." Zaire wet his lips, not daring to raise his gaze from Jerica's feet. "I swear on my life."

"Do you?" Jerica let her words hang in the air for a long, uncomfortable moment. She didn’t think Zaire was involved in the plot, but it was best to treat him like a potential enemy until he convinced her otherwise. "Look at me."

Zaire obediently lifted his chin and looked up to meet her gaze. His Adam's apple bobbed as he swallowed, the only indication of his discomfort. His face was neutral, expressionless – the result of a lifetime of service in the Rangers.

"You led a man who tried to kill me, directly to me."

"May I speak freely?"

Jerica nodded.

"I swore an oath to your grandfather, Highness, that I would give my life in a heartbeat, if it would protect an Ainsley," Zaire said. "I reaffirmed that oath to King Levin when he took the throne. And I swore my loyalty to each of you when you ascended to Generalship. I would sooner put my own eyes out, than betray the family I've dedicated my life to protecting."

"Fine words.” Jerica kept her gaze fixed on him, unwavering. "And how would you ensure their veracity, if you were me?"

"There is no way, ma'am," Zaire answered. "If I were you… I would either torture or kill me." He swallowed again. "I am prepared for whatever course of action you deem suitable."

Jerica hesitated a moment, then turned his sword and offered him the handle. He hesitated, looking at her a long moment, brow furrowing slightly in confusion.

“Get up.”

Zaire obeyed, but still didn’t reach for his sword.

“You’ve served my family well since before I was born.” Jerica pressed the pommel of the sword into his hand. “I don’t believe you to be a traitor, or a fool. Teryn clearly didn’t know any better, but I trust you don’t believe that a single trainee could best the two of us.”

“Only in his wildest imagination,” Zaire agreed, taking the sword. “He wasn’t skilled enough to best me, much less either of you – and certainly not both of you at once.”

Jerica nodded. “Go collect the Rangers. I wish to speak to them in conference room in the barracks.”

“Yes ma’am!” Zaire turned on his heel and took his leave.

A stab of pain shot through Jerica’s arm. She inhaled sharply, but waited until Zaire disappeared from sight before she allowed herself to look down. She cursed as she saw the bandage already soaked, allowing crimson droplets to track down the length of her arm.

“Let’s go find Father.”

Jerica nodded, glancing at Rek, before she started down the narrow aisle towards the outside world. She quickly retraced her steps along the path she’d taken to get here, and climbed up on the wall where the battle was still going strong. The droplets of blood were now dripping from her fingertips, and her entire arm felt tingly and numb.

She made her hand into a fist and kept walking, forcing herself to stay focused on finding Derik. Rek was at her heels, cursing as they stumbled past various scuffles on the wall, searching for their commander.

“Lord Ainsley!” Jerica shouted as she saw her uncle’s back just ahead.

He whirled around at the sound of her voice, a broad grin on his face as he started towards her. “By gods, you did it– what happened to you?”

His demeanor shifted instantly, jaw setting and eyebrows furling into a concerned glare. His gaze traveled over her shoulder towards Rek for a moment, then snapped back to her, darting over her body.

“I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine.”

“I’m fine,” she insisted, stopping just in front of him. “Most of this isn’t mine.”

“Then whose is it?” Derik stepped forward, cupping her face in his hand and tilting it to either side to inspect her head from various angles.

“A trainee’s.” She swatted his hands away, pulling her head backward. “Apparently we’ve got some traitors in the Ranger corp.”

Derik cursed.

“I told Zaire to assemble them in the conference room for inspection.”

“Let them sweat until nightfall; I want to be there.” Derik’s eyes landed on her arm and his eyebrow shot up in surprise. “A trainee did that to you?”

“It was a complicated situation,” she snapped.

“You can tell me about that tonight, too.” Derik gestured vaguely at the castle. “For now, go get cleaned up and have the physicians tend to your wounds.”

“I’m going to get my squire first.”

Derik nodded. “Very well. But then go. Straight to the Palace Physicians.”

“Not the infirmary?”

“Palace.”

“Sir.” Jerica turned and started down the wall.

She found Kieran much like she’d left him; crouched on the wall, hastily filling up quivers of arrows for archers. Akeno stood nearby, shouting commands to their men and firing arrows into the midst of the Nykerians below.

“Lieutenant Haider!”

Akeno snapped around. “Ma’am?”

“How are things?”

“We’re holding the line, ma’am,” Akeno answered. He stepped near to her, lowering his voice as he leaned close to her ear so that the other men wouldn’t overhear. “You look like hell. What happened?”

“I’ll tell you later,” she muttered, before her eyes locked with Kieran’s. “Come with me.”

“Ma’am!” he scrambled to his feet, pushing his helmet back out of his eyes.

“Lord Ainsley ordered me to the physicians,” Jerica said, carelessly gesturing at her arm, as if it didn’t feel like a thousand fire ants had taken up residence in her flesh. “Are you okay here?”

“Yes, ma’am!”

“Come on, Kieran,” she said, turning her attention back on her squire.

He trotted after her, close at her heel. She took a deep breath, trying to still the trembling in her injured arm. It was much hotter up on the top of the wall, despite the fact that the sun was beginning to sink over the distant hill. She was sick to her stomach, her head dense and throbbing as she walked, breaths coming as though she was trying to breathe through a damp bath towel.

“What happened to you?”

Jerica looked up as she heard Lord Biryn’s voice just to her left, and she saw him pushing his way through a throng of soldiers. He was tall and lean, with sleek black robes which now seemed as disheveled as they were dirty.

“I got stabbed.” She grabbed Kieran’s shoulder and pushed him forward, never slowing her pace, as she forced him to be opposite her body from Lord Biryn.

“Where are you going?”

“Palace.”

Lord Biryn reached out and grabbed her breastplate. She twisted her arm, trying to force his hand off her, but her arm hurt too badly from the injury to have the strength to break his grasp. He slammed her into the wall behind her. “You don’t just walk past me when I’m talking to you, Princess!” 


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Mon Sep 21, 2020 6:37 pm
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IcyFlame wrote a review...



Ok, I'm determined to catch up on this while you're on a little break from posting so that I'm ready to go again when you post more! I'm also caught up on everyone else's novels that I'm reading so definitely need to get up to date with this one too xD

So when I last left Jerica she was in a bit of a pickle before some incredible fighting on her side so I'm excited to pick this back up and find out what was going on with Teryn and why on earth Zaire was willing to trust him! Also, did Zaire make it out of the tunnel? Wasn't he behind her? I shall have to read to find out.

Teryn’s neck sprayed crimson blood across Jerica’s face as she stabbed the arrow into it.

Oh wow, all your deaths are nice and violent. I do feel we've had the spraying blood from the neck already though so maybe change it up a bit ;)

How he didn’t collapse she didn’t have a clue, but a moment later his hands wrapped around her throat and slammed her into the ground.

Wait, what? He's still alive after that? Ok, I may have to retract my earlier comment about all this being too easy for her - clearly Teryn is more of a fighter than I was giving him credit for. I'd also love to see her reaction to this - is she surprised, afraid? Give me some more Jerica emotion!

Jerica brought the dagger around and slit Teryn’s wrist in a fluid motion. He howled, blood gurgling in his mouth and spraying from his wrist at the same time. His hand hung limply, spurting blood every few moments onto her chest and neck. She brought the dagger up under his ribcage, sinking it into his lung through his side.

Bleeurgh

Her throat felt constricted; the memory of Teryn’s fingers still resting hard against her neck.

This is a great little detail.

Rek sighed then nodded. "Probably so. Here, let me help you."

Can I just say how much I'm enjoying having these two interact? I feel like we didn't get whole lot of her interactions with people early on last time (except possibly Kieran?) and this just fleshes out her relationships and makes me much more invested in the whole thing.

“Only in his wildest imagination,” Zaire agreed, taking the sword. “He wasn’t skilled enough to best me, much less either of you – and certainly not both of you at once.”

I think he could be more relieved here, and more grateful to Jerica for sparing his life (even though she totally wouldn't have hurt him).

“By gods, you did it– what happened to you?”

How does he know she succeeded? Just because she came back?

“A trainee did that to you?”

Interesting jump, as I would have assumed he died whilst she was trying to protect him.

Lord Biryn reached out and grabbed her breastplate. She twisted her arm, trying to force his hand off her, but her arm hurt too badly from the injury to have the strength to break his grasp.

No, bad Lord Biryn!

The ending to this chapter felt a little abrupt, almost like you were cut off before finishing. Is it supposed to be a cliff-hanger? I'm not sure it works well! Other than that though I really enjoyed this chapter. A lot of action as usual but more balanced with her interactions with other people which I feel like we were missing in the previous draft. I'm gonna try to get to the next one now whilst this is still fresh in my mind.

Hope this was helpful <3

Icy




ShadowVyper says...


Thanks for your review, Icy! The feedback is really valuable to me and I appreciate it!

I do have a question. What did you mean by "Interesting jump, as I would have assumed he died whilst she was trying to protect him."? Not disagreeing, just not entirely sure what you mean by that :D

Thanks again! Have a lovely day!



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Mon Sep 21, 2020 6:10 am
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Vincian wrote a review...



Hey Shady! You were pumping these chapters out like crazy! I'm glad I have inspired you to write on this again and I'm quite liking how you started it this time around. Let's see how this is shaping up in this chapter!

How he didn’t collapse she didn’t have a clue, but a moment later his hands wrapped around her throat


When doing action, you really don't need reactions as they tend to slow the action down, unless it's something visibly reacting to something thrown at them that they didn't see, like a surprise. Here, we didn't know Teryn didn't fall until this moment, when you could have just said he wrapped his hands around her throat. I would omit Jerica's thought process here entirely.

Her elbow slammed into her pile of armor that she’d left behind when she entered the tunnels.


This is kind of confusing to visualize, right? Her elbow hits the stuff, but why not the rest of her body? Or, was she already on the floor and the impact of him strangling her sent her elbow slamming? Where was she before this? I get where you're going with this, because she's going to use some of the armor to defend herself and attack him, buuuut I definitely think that you could word this better so it would make it easier to visualize it.

spurting blood every few moments onto her chest and neck. She brought the dagger up under his ribcage, sinking it into his lung through his side.


BRUTAL lol

This chapter kind of ended weirdly. You had this happen quite often in the past draft of this as well, so definitely look into how you end your chapters and chapter parts. This ends in the middle of what seems like a conversation, and the last chapter ended in the middle of a bit of a fight (although ended on more of a cliffhanger than this one). I like ending chapter parts on small cliffhangers or some sense of finality / transition. Otherwise they basically seem like arbitrary transitions. I'm still wondering why Teryn attacked when he did. I'm assuming that he wasn't in control of his own actions. I'm also wondering how this story will go, since I'm about fifteen chapters into the last part. I know that you said you were starting this differently, but I'm wondering if you're going to continue it in the same way as the last draft.




ShadowVyper says...


Thanks so much for the review! I was thinking they were on the ground and as he grabbed her throat they kind of flailed and her arm swiped across the pile but she mostly noticed the elbow since that's what would hurt xD But I agree it can definitely be clearer!



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Thu Sep 17, 2020 10:33 pm
MissGangamash wrote a review...



I'm going to pick out stuff as I read.

Women don't have Adam's apples. Also, it feels odd that Adam's apples are mentioned three times in a short space as it just seemed very specific.

You overuse the word 'crimson'. It can work well if it's a specifically poetic scene, but feels forced when you're just describing blood. And there's a lot of blood in this story.

Also, why did Jerica leave a dagger with her armour? Surely the more weapons on her the better seeing as she was going to kill a very powerful sorcerer, surely backup weapons would be useful? I get that she was trying to make herself small so she could fit through the tunnels, but daggers are small. Just seemed odd for a solider to willingly leave behind a weapon.

How did Lord Ainsley know they were successful? Does he know the sorcerer is dead? If so how? Or does he just assume because they're not dead? But they could have failed and come back.

The cut on her arm is mentioned A LOT. I get that she's hurt, and some of your descriptions work really well - like the numbness and the blood dripping off her fingertips - but you don't need to keep reiterating that she's in pain because of the cut. We know it's there. Just talk about how she feels.

The last part of the chapter is just Jerica reiterating what has already happened and also having very similar conversations with several characters. It seems very clunky and not necessary. If these interactions are necessary (is Akeno important?) then try and mix it up a bit.

The ending is confusing to me. It's unclear who is talking. At first I thought it was Kieran and Jerica, but then I'm guessing it's Lord Biryan? Just needs some dialogue tags.

Probably weird, but I really like Kieran. I know he's a minor character but out of all the characters, I can picture him the most. I can really envision him just looking really out of his depth crouched down filling up quivers - I love it.




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Tue Sep 15, 2020 10:15 pm
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mellifera wrote a review...



Shady!!


today's review is going to be? a little different? I don't want to neglect reviewing for you but I also really want a bird drawing from alliyah and I am fast running out of things on the list that this novel fits onto BUT one of the things on my list for CC is using a review template so!! we'll see how that goes lol it might just be me rambling for twelve years


Initial Thoughts


!!! SHADY I'm loving how vicious Jerica is!! There wasn't so much of getting to see just how fierce and ruthless she could be in the last draft, and I'm loving it so much in this one. Vicious girls are one of my favourites.


I'm also really enjoying the interactions between Rek and Jerica. We never got to see much of her family before or her interactions with anyone she was close to (beyond a little of Kieran in the beginning), so it's really nice to see her working so fluidly with Rek (for now), and their conversations/banter. It's very nice to see them caring for each other and doing cousin things <3


also, more Kieran??? (I saw you mentioned that in your last wall post about it and !!!! I'm very excited!! I think I mentioned a few times last draft that I wanted to see him so !!!)


Characters

Originally I was writing this as a continuation to my first comment in my initial thoughts, but this is a little more in-depth and very character based so I'm moving it here:
I remember when I started reviewing for Before the Dragon initially, and I had said that I thought Rana and Jerica were too familiar. I'm not really bringing this up to make another comparison because, I'll be honest, it's been a really long time since I've read Charm of Deception and I have a bad memory, so I really can't make any similar comment (and tbh I don't want to). I mention it because, when I first starting read BtD, I wasn't really compelled by Jerica as a character. She didn't have much of a voice, and seemed very much like an assassin version of Rana (if my memory serves of what I was thinking). Obviously, she grew on me as the plot progressed.

but!! in this draft!! you open immediately with the things that I ended up liking about Jerica later in draft one, and stronger too!! I'm already really invested with Jerica, even more than I was before. She's an assassin (love me some stabby babies) and she has friends and family. She's in the middle of a war. She's feared by people, and though we really don't know too much about how she feels about that (yet???? 👀), it says about who she is and what she's been up to pre-Before the Dragon/pre-our Jerica knowledge. You give her a reputation, and then you prove that reputation (she takes down everyone carrying the ram, she goes and assassinates Valeren successfully, nearly taking down Lord Femola in the process, and here she straight up kills Teryn when he threatens her) in the plot. Plus!!! plus!!! plus!!! you introduce that small hint to the reader that she's really not doing so great mentally!! she's pushing all of what she's doing and what she's done aside and powering through everything. It doesn't wait until she meets Aerik this time, and I'm very, very pleased with how it's been woven in. You give us a badass, compelling heroine, and then you also made her relatable (mental health wise not...killing people wise xD).

anyway this has been an essay about being proud of you and also loving Jerica and I have read like, two paragraphs of the actual chapter, so I really need to actually give you a review.


Plot

I think we had a pretty good balance here as far as pacing went. There was the conclusion to Teryn's assault and then the confrontation with Zaire (which at first I wanted to say felt abrupt, but I actually don't think so? I think it was handled pretty well, given the situation. I really can't say there should have been more to it because they're in the middle of a battle and stuff's gotta get taken care of).

I really like the introduction of Teryn's betrayal and people in close reach of Jerica turning against her (not because I want anything to happen to Jerica because I don't and I love her). It adds even more to her and her role in the story/at the castle. I know you said it was more of a momentary decision thing, but I really actually like the addition. There's a depth that it adds that wasn't there and wouldn't have been without it (I had a really Detailed Thought about this before and then I was Spoken To irl and I...completely forgot what it was).

Setting

This is more of a callback to earlier chapters because I'm thinking about it now (and also I am being forced now to think about it because of this template and I don't really have anything to say about story setting so I'm focusing on description-based setting, as per usual, because I'm a one trick pony), but I think I would have liked a little more description of the setting initially? Mainly I'm thinking of that picture you linked before, and while I'm not sure if that was also the scenery of the wall you were imagining, but for some reason I've imagined the wall build out of sandstone and a really pale colour scheme (and really dusty/sandy?? I DON'T KNOW WHY THERE'S SAND IN MY HEAD BUT THERE IS)?? and I have no idea where I got this idea, but I don't think that's what your intention was lol

But! Since we are a little farther into the battle here and we're revisiting places she's been, I would like a little more idea of what her surroundings are. I think you could get away with sneaking in some more here as opposed to earlier (since there was so much happening before and nobody is going to be thinking about the kind of architecture/stone work in the middle of a battle unless it's because they're trying to destroy it).


My Tiny Nitpicks/Sarcastic Comments That I Needed to Include (For Secret Reasons) But The Category Wasn't In a Template

Teryn’s neck sprayed crimson blood


as opposed to any other colour blood

His eyes grew wide and then rolled back into his head, and he collapsed on top of her.


This really should be separated or condensed? Like "His eyes went wide with blind terror for a moment as he stared down at her. Then, as quick as she'd fit the knife in his side, his eyes rolled back, and he collapsed on top of her"?
ok I said "condensed" I meant the sentence and then I got carried away (just finished writing the jerica essay so I'm hyperfocused on making jerica feel bad oops). You can also not write all of that suffering that I added, but I still would switch out one of those "and"s because it reads kind of clunky.

“Jer!” Rek was at her side in an instant. “Are you okay?”


"an instant" was he though it's probably been a few instants since he didn't have a sword pressed to his throat

Her throat felt constricted; the memory of Teryn’s fingers still resting hard against her neck.


Image

She sighed as she saw a long, horizontal gash across her upper arm, just below the shoulder.


So, it's her perspective, we know she's seeing this. I think there may be a better way to write this? I think you could honestly just write "A gash was beginning to weep profusely, stretching across her upper arm below her shoulder. She sighed" <- because you just mentioned she's about to look towards the source of the pain, so you can just say what she sees rather than filtering it!

He must have gotten her with the sword as he fell.


When did this happen? I thought after she stabbed him he just tried to choke her? did I forget something shady, am i dummy

slowing the blood sliding from the wound in large droplets.


I don't know why this reads so funny but it's making me giggle?? it sounds so peaceful and relaxing and it's such a contrast to what's going on (I think it's the "sliding" and "large droplets" because I def imagine there's more then a few "large droplets" dripping out of that wound)

She was a sorry sight.


I know what you're trying to get at, but this isn't really the way to say it? Since this is Jerica's perspective and she's not at a mirror, she can't see all of herself? I would suggest "She must have been a sorry sight" because that seems like it would be more of a Thought that a person would have about themselves.

She rubbed her face and looked down at the blood smeared on her hand, wondering how much was still on her face.


I am a part of the repetition police. ma'am, I'm going to have to ask you to find a synonym or separate the sentences a little so the repetition is not so apparent, perhaps even something along the lines of "She rubbed her temple. Her hand was sticky and damp with blood and her face felt no better. It must have been smeared all over. What a sight she must have been" but you retain the rights to write this however you please, just without the repetition next time, or I'm going to have to arrest you and put you in repetition jail.

(im so sorry you get a review from me when im in such a silly mood)

"It's better for him to order that." Jerica shrugged. "You know Levin and Biryn will twist it if I make that decision. Derik can send me back to the barracks if that’s what he wants."


I'LL TWIST THEM (the IMPLICATIONS THOUGH it's a subtle little thing but so GROSS ugh and said so casually)

“I’m fine.”

“You don’t look fine.”

“I’m fine,” she insisted, stopping just in front of him. “Most of this isn’t mine.”


theme of the story

“Lord Ainsley ordered me to the physicians,” Jerica said, carelessly gesturing at her arm, as if it didn’t feel like a thousand fire ants had taken up residence in her flesh. “Are you okay here?”

“Yes, ma’am!”

“Come on, Kieran,” she said, turning her attention back on her squire.


I think you need to make it more clear that Jerica is talking to Akeno in that first bit I quoted, because she had just addressed Kieran and I thought at first she was talking to him, but the dialogue didn't add up with that.

Lord Biryn reached out and grabbed her breastplate. She twisted her arm, trying to force his hand off her, but her arm hurt too badly from the injury to have the strength to break his grasp. He slammed her into the wall behind her. “You don’t just walk past me when I’m talking to you, Princess!”


>:[ he's a moldy carrot

Final Comments

I actually put most of my final comments into setting and plot sections and I think I covered everything I wanted to in this review, so I don't have much to say here rip. A whole section with nothing to do with it.


Hopefully this review was coherent!! I think it's kind of all over the place since I was adding things to different sections as they became relevant, but... organisation???

Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful day, and I look forward to reading the next chapter!! (also Happy RevMo!) <333

Image




ShadowVyper says...


AHHH thanks so much for the review! I don't have the words to describe just HOW excited it makes me that you're pointing to specific things in this draft that are better. I was trying to so hard to set her up with a stronger voice and reputation as an assassin and such and it sounds?? like that's apparent? and adgjaksdg I'm so pleased that you're enjoying this revamp. Thank you for the review <333333



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Mon Sep 14, 2020 2:25 pm
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Vil wrote a review...



Hey there, Shadow. It's Vil, back with a review!

What I Like
Again, loving the death scenes here. Just bloody and gory enough to whet my appetite.

What I Dislike
Lord Biryn. Can we kill him, too?

Grammatical Errors

searching for her dagger, as she pressed

You don't need that comma.

"You led a man who tried to kill me, directly to me."

Again, don't need that comma. :P

[quote[I would sooner put my own eyes out, than betray the family[/quote]
Don't need this comma, either.

“Yes ma’am!”

Forgiving me for laughing, but... you need a comma after "Yes." XD

he scrambled to his feet

As his previous words are a complete sentence and you don't use some form or another of "said," you need to capitalize "he."

Questions
Derik cursed.

I was wondering why you're flipping between Lord Ainsley and Derik. Are you just trying to settle on something that feels right to you?

In Summary
Great chapter here, as always!
Have you thought about submitting one of these chapters to the Revision Contest ? Just curious :P




ShadowVyper says...


Thanks so much for the review, Vil! These don't qualify for the Revision Contest, do they? I have been around the site for a really long time so these aren't anywhere close to being my first 10 works :)



Vil says...


The OG Before the Dragon weren't in your first ten?



ShadowVyper says...


Nope lol I%u2019ve been on the site since 2012 and Before the Dragon is one of my more recent projects :)



Vil says...


Ohhh, ok! Pity.




Who knew paper and ink could be so vicious.
— Kathryn Stockett, The Help