If this ever managed to be a published book - God forbid - then this would be like the blurb on the back. So kind of the prologue. Sort of.
“Damn you,” I said.
He grinned knowingly. “Too late. Someone beat you to it quite some time ago.”
At that, I paused to reconsider exactly what I was doing; it didn't take long. I was sitting in a strange apartment with a huge window overlooking a city like New York.
With Satan.
Prince of Darkness, Father of Lies.
Oh, wow.
I think it would be almost silly to mention that things didn’t seem quite so sunny anymore.
End of chapter
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140,280 Literary Works • 673,071 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Hmmm....well this is quite something here. Before diving into the piece itself though I have to see this one is if anything just sort of the very start of a scene that might be able to pass off as a prologue or really more likely something like a first chapter. From the way you've written things here it doesn't seem to work out too well as far as being a blurb is concerned. This is just a bit too much of a scene to fit there. However it can in fact work as a prologue or a first chapter because it is the start of a scene, and a very interesting scene at that too.
I think you do a really good job there of instantly short of shocking us readers and immediately grabbing our attention here. It also has a nice sort of undercurrent of humor to it and the protagonist there whose narrator seems to have a nice bit of charisma about them which certainly doesn't hurt things. So we do have ourselves a pretty solid bit here, its just a bit...it needs to be expanded on quite a bit more before it can really be something.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
interesting prologue. i'm drawn in now.(:
This is cool. It reminds me of the comic attitude that Christopher Moore uses throughout his works, dark but funny. Not only that but the tone of it reminds me of the CW show Reaper. It was a very good show and it had a fun, almost underground but still rather above ground, following.
The dialogue is definitely cliché but I rather like the cliché factor if you’re doing something with a comical tone. Clichés make comedy…well…funny.
Anyway, if I were to pick this up and read the back, I would almost definitely take it home and read it then throw it at every one of my friends.
Yikes! What's with the bad reviews? I for one think this is really good. It's not tired and worn-out at all; it has a nice satirical ring, that's all. Very snappy.
Here's my two and half cents:
Ditch the tag. "I said," is sort of blah for a first sentence. Just "Damn you," however, is intriguing.
.
I like this phrase. It leaves me wondering.
Hilarious.
Also, I love the title of the story. Honestly, you've got something good going. I mean it.
Hey,
Ever read anything of Lilith Saintcrow's? She has a whole series about a woman - Danny Valentine - working (at least at first) for the devil. That series if finsihed by now, and I'm in mouring because it really was - is! - terrific. And so, if I ever saw anything of a similar theme, I'd immediately take a grab for it.
I've said that you should continue this, and now I'll add that I'll be looking forward for more, but I'm afraid I can't offer you anything else than saying that I disliked the dialogue. The "damn you" part to a devil, demon, demonic entiety. That and the answer: "Too late". It's so - common. Cliche. A bit like telling a vampire to "bite me". It's repeated over and over, and even though it might have been funny or witty the first few times, it isn't any more. Just tiresome and annoying, making me sigh with furstration.
I'd get rid of that (although the "oh wow" - very nice).
Mmm. I do have one more comment. I had this odd feeling, and I've just discovered what it was - decapitated sentences, just floating around. I'm all for the abrupt short, one line paragaraph effect, and I'm aware that this is a blurb, but consider jamming that third and fourth line together? The story would look better visually, I think, and the mentioned effect wouldn't be - overdone, so to say?
Go for it.
Esme
I believe no idea should ever be abandoned (unless said idea involves a cast full of Mary Sues).
This is short so there isn't much to review. However, I noticed one thing.
Do you mean self-depreciatingly? If you did, it doesn't make much sense because what says next counters what he did. He seems cocky from the way he speaks.
Sincerely,
Memento Mori
PS. If you ever should continue this, I'd want to read more. ^_^
Oh, gross!
Nasty.
Hehehehehe.
This is dumb. You post a crumb and ask if you should eat the whole sandwich? How're we supposed to know?
(But I like the idea so I'm voting yes. Gobble it up.)
Pork