This is not connected to my other writing project, A God Named Sin. This is a different world, a different story, with different characters. But one I wanted to put it on here anyways.
Edit: I should mention this is just a draft for this story. It may be a little crappy right now but it's all okay. I'll write a better version later.
Oakley was trained to survive anything.
He wasn’t trained to survive becoming something else.
Left for dead during the collapse of humanity, a wounded Marine survives by accepting an impossible bargain: a sentient parasite that binds to his body, reshaping him into something no longer fully human. Years later, Oakley hunts like an animal, drinks from muddy rivers, and walks the ruins of a dead world with only the parasite -- Mantis -- for company.
Together, they endure.
But survival becomes complicated when Oakley crosses paths with the last people who remember who he used to be.
His former unit is still alive. Still fighting. Still human.
As old loyalties resurface and instincts sharpen, Oakley is forced to confront a truth more dangerous than the infection itself: he can no longer belong to both worlds. To stand with his past may mean betraying his present -- and the only being who has never abandoned him.
The hum of distant voices and the faint clink of medals echoed through the dimly lit hall. Oakley watched as Steven adjusted his uniform, nerves evident in the way he fidgeted with his sleeve.
“You need to stop being so jittery,” Oakley said softly, offering a reassuring smile. He clapped a hand on Steven’s shoulder. “You’ve earned this. Just breathe.”
Steven forced a chuckle, trying to mask his anxiety. “Sorry. I mean, it’s not every day you get promoted… especially not in a place like this. At a time like this.”
Oakley nodded, glancing around at the gathered officers. The air was thick with anticipation and the faint scent of polished wood and metal. “The general trusts you. That’s all that matters. You’re ready.”
Stevens took a deep breath, straightening his posture. “You’re right, you’re right. I’ve just got to get through this speech without sounding like an idiot.” Stevens glanced at Oakley. “And at least I don’t need a box to stand on to see over the podium.”
Oakley elbowed Stevens, smiling playfully. Being 5’6’’ made him the butt of many jokes. “Ha, ha. Very funny. Just remember to maintain decorum, soldier.”
Stevens chuckled. “Yes, sir.”
“Now let’s go before we’re late,” Oakley said.
They walked towards the main hall, their footsteps echoing on the polished floor. Other soldiers were also heading to the hall, some exchanging nervous glances and adjusting their uniforms. As they entered the hall, the chatter subsided, and all eyes turned towards the stage. General William stood tall and composed behind the podium, his presence commanding respect. Stevens and Oakley found their places among the other officers, their hearts pounding with anticipation.
After going through the opening formalities, it was time for the promotions. The room was charged with anticipation. The General started calling out names and saluted the promoted officers, who walked across the stage and shook his hand. When Steven’s name was called, he stiffened up slightly. He exchanged a quick glance with Oakley before stepping forward with determination.
He walked onto the stage, his boots clicking crisply on the wooden floor. He stood before General William, his back straight and his eyes fixed forward.
The General beamed at him and extended a hand. “Congratulations, Lieutenant Harris Stevens,” he said.
Stevens shook his hand firmly, returning the smile. That’s when he saw the eyes of the general slowly going pale. Before anyone could react, an alarm began to blare. Everyone in the room was to their feet in an instant.
“A breach!” someone shouted.
The room shook violently and the wall behind the stage erupted in a cloud of dust and debris. Soldiers with weapons immediately aimed at the new opening in the wall. There stood a grotesque figure, its form a twisted amalgamation of various animals. It had a wolf-like body and head, with spikes like a crocodile trailing down its back leading to a crocodile-like tail, while a pair of tusks jutted out of its mouth. It was also much, much bigger than a normal wolf, nearly 10 feet tall.
Creatures, Oakley thought. Damn it.
Gunshots filled the air as the soldiers fired at the creature. The creature roared and charged forward, knocking several soldiers back with a swipe of its paw. Another creature that looked the same charged in, jumping over the body of its comrade. Oakley had already found Stevens, who was helping the General up. Blood was trickling down his face. Oakley clutched a pistol in his hand, taking aim and firing at one of the creatures.
“Get the General out of here!” Oakley yelled at Stevens. Stevens hesitated, not wanting to leave Oakley behind. The creature Oakley shot at turned, growling, and charged forward, straight at Oakley.
Oakley rolled to the side, narrowly avoiding the creature’s attack, but he fell right into the other one’s path. Its talons slashed across his back, and he dropped his gun in shock. He stumbled, grabbing his gun and fumbling for a good grip. The creature lunged at Oakley, and he fired blindly. The shot hit the creature’s eye, causing it to screech and stumble back. Oakley chuckled weakly as he watched the creature writhe in pain.
The victory was short lived. The other creature was upon Oakley swiftly clamped its jaws around Oakley’s upper torso, lifting him into the air with ease. Oakley gasped as its teeth dug into his waist, his head and shoulders in the creature’s mouth. Oakley struggled, the creature’s saliva covering him.
The creature suddenly roared and dropped Oakley with a wet thud. Someone had shot it in the back, and it turned to face the shooter. Oakley was on the ground, covered in saliva and bleeding profusely. Another soldier was over him in a flash.
“Oaks! Are you alright?” the man asked.
Oakley grunted. “I’ve been better.”
The man helped Oakley to his feet, supporting him as they stumbled towards the exit. Stevens was standing near the door.
“Oakley! Are you okay?” Stevens shouted, rushing to help him.
Oakley just shook his head. “Just get me out of here,” he said.
Stevens and the other soldier helped Oakley out of the room, their faces grim. Alarms were still blaring throughout the building, soldiers rushing through the halls, the air filled with the sounds of gunfire and explosions.
Oakley stole a glance out the windows in time to see another creature crashing through. The trio were thrown back. The creature growled and reached in. It almost grabbed Stevens, but Oakley jumped in the way despite his injuries. The creature’s talons wrapped around Oakley’s torso and wrenched him through the shattered wall.
Air rushed past him. Then-
Impact.
His shoulder hit first. Something cracked. He rolled, vision flashing white, lungs refusing to pull in air. Above him, the creature roared and turned back toward the base, climbing the outer wall with unnatural speed. It didn’t even finish him.
Oakley tried to move, but nothing cooperated. Boots pounded across gravel towards him. Oakley couldn’t muster the energy to open his eyes to see who was coming.
“Oakley!” Stevens’ voice.
Hands grabbed his vest, trying to drag him. Pain detonated through his body. Oakley choked on it.
“I’ve got him-” Stevens strained.
Gunfire erupted again. Another explosion shook the ground.
“Stevens! Fall back!” someone shouted.
“No!” Stevens barked.
Oakley forced his eyes open. Stevens was kneeling over him, blood on his own face, jaw tight with panic.
“You’re good,” Stevens said, like he could will it true. “You’re fine. I’ve got you.”
Oakley tried to laugh. It came out wet. “Promoted… five minutes,” he rasped. “Already disobeying orders.”
Stevens’ grip tightened. More creatures were breaching the perimeter now. The defensive line was collapsing. More people rushed over, Commanding Officer Williams, Brick, and O’Conner.
“Oakley!” O’Conner cried, already dropping to his knees beside his injured teammate. “Oh my god- This is bad.”
Brick was already assessing the situation. “They’ve breached the inner perimeter, sir,” he said to Williams, his voice tight.
Williams looked towards the perimeter, then down at Oakley. At Stevens and O’Conner trying to put pressure on his wounds.
Oakley knew that look.
“Fall back.”
Stevens froze. O’Conner looked up.
“What? Sir, we can’t just-” O’Conner started, but Williams cut him off.
“That’s an order. Fall back. Now,” Williams repeated.
Stevens hesitated, his gaze fixed on Oakley’s broken form. Oakley saw it -- the war inside his friend’s eyes. Gunfire was getting closer.
“Jake,” Oakley breathed. “Go.”
Stevens shook his head. “Shut up.”
“You can’t carry me.”
Another explosion, closer.
Williams again, louder now: “Sergeant Stevens, move!”
Sergeant. The promotion.
Stevens’ face broke for half a second -- rage, guilt, terror -- then hardened into something military. He leaned close to Oakley. “I’m coming back for you,” he said.
Oakley nodded, because that was easier than telling him not to.
Stevens stood. And stepped away.
Oakley watched his best friend run back toward the evacuation line, Williams and Brick ahead of him. O’Conner gave one last look back at Oakley before disappearing into the chaos with the rest of the team.
Oakley watched the base burn. Watched the creatures pour through the smoke. The noise slowly blurred into something distant and underwater. The sky above him was strangely clear.
He tried to breathe. Blood filled his mouth instead. The world narrowed.
And then darkness swallowed him.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hello there SavageRaptor109!!!!!
Hop here with a review for Team Roses of Red!!! First off, I want to apologize for this because I'm not the best at reviewing novels!! I usually stick to poetry so if this review is choppy, me yapping, or really anything else other than a review, I apologize!! I'm trying my best ToT
Anyways, let's jump right in!!!!!! (By the way, for novels, I review as I read!!!)
Okay for the backstory, I find this really entertaining!!! It seems Oakley is definitely some sort of weapon maybe? I do feel like maybe you could go further into detail and focus more on show not tell maybe? Then again, I think this works too! It could just use a bit of touching up!
It seems that Steven and Oakley are pretty close? Friends? Lovers? Who knows!! I can tell that they just seem to be there for each other and I like how they interact so far!!!
Oh my god!!! I love the detail in this!! It's not too much but not too little! It gives a really in depth view on the scene and almost makes me feel like I'm in the same room!!!!!
YESSS WE LOVE IMMEDIATE ACTION!!! IT GETS THE READER ENGAGEDDDDDD!!!!
I like how vividly you described the wolf like creature! It's very clear and helps me imagine exactly what it looks like!!! So far, you're doing incredible with all this description!!!
I love how abrupt this is! Like everything was getting so good and they were about to escape then BOOM.
ahweifherighsrgh this made my heart melt ToT YOU CAN'T DO THATTTT NOOOOO ToT (this is pure cinema)
I don't even know what to say. Just dang. This is an amazing way to end this and it leaves me being like what the frick just happened in the best way possible. Like everything is so silent after I read those two lines.
This is amazing and I would love to read more if this story is ever continued!! I'm already attatched to the characters :sobs:
Have a good day/night!!!!
Love,
Hop
Hello fellow Violet! I saw that Sana was so happy with your story, I immediately had to go check it out to! A few more hours and we begin Project Violet Victory!
The full summary also sounds super intriguing! Let’s see what the Prologue holds :3
My first thoughts are actually structure related. Your first sentence already has a bit of an overload of adjectives. And then you start a lot of sentences with just the names of your characters which… can be very repetitive after a while. In general you use their names a lot and don’t really describe where they are. Yes dimly lit hall duly noticed, but what else? Anything you could mention to break up the parade of names?
Hm I’m not sure what it is but I get a kinda …lifeless vibe from all this. The similar sentence structure, the--- idk how to describe it---kinda predictable way sentences go…
Here:
This structure. Action, then comma with emotion. You have that a lot.
It wouldn’t surprise me if you relied pretty heavily on AI to help you with this.
Uhmm what do you mean by the eyes of the general slowly going pale? O_O Are the eyes really changing colour or is it that he becomes pale?
Also, are we in Steven’s or Oakley’s head? You need to decide. Either Steven sees something, then we are in his view or Oakley presumes things about what Steven sees. But as you do it here, you cannot have both :/
It gets even more confusing later in the chapter.
Your dialogue formatting is on point tho.
Heyy! I was looking for a story to review for review day, and the synopsis immediately caught my attention. The parasite concept gives me Venom (the movie) vibes and I love it. I'm hooked already.
I think the opening is really solid. I like that it starts with a calm, normal moment between Oakley and Stevens before everything goes completely sideways. It made the attack feel way more intense. The contrast between the quiet promotion ceremony and the chaos that follows had my heart racing.
I love the action sequence! I’ve tried writing action scenes before and, honestly, failed so badly. Your scene is so well-done that it inspires me to one day write an action scene like yours.
Few things I was confused about:
I wasn’t sure what this meant visually. How do eyes go pale? Also, how did the general sense something was wrong before the attack even began?
I wasn’t sure whose face this was referring to. The general’s or Stevens’? Clarifying that might help.
Ahhh! I love their friendship alreadyyy
This line broke my heart in the best way. I’m already invested in their bond. They better reunite!
I think you accidentally wrote "Jake" here instead of "Steven".
Overall, I think this is a really strong and engaging prologue. The story quickly made me care about Oakley. His choice to protect Stevens says a lot about him without needing explanation, which makes the abandonment hit harder.
I beyond curious to see what happens to Oakley next!
-Sana