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Young Writers Society


16+ Violence

Deception's Blade - Chapter Eight

by firefly882


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

I'm back! And without further ado, here's chapter eight!

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A low fire burned in the hearth, crackling and hissing as it illuminated the dining hall. Two long tables, shaped like crescent moons, were centered in the room; carved of solid wood, they could comfortably sit fifteen people apiece, allowing plenty of room for servants to scuttle by with pitchers of wine and platters filled with food. At the far end of the hall, positioned in front of an enormous tapestry of the orange-and-black crest of Sternhelm, a rectangular table just large enough to seat seven served as Lord Azir's high table, draped in an orange cloth and overlooking the room from atop the dais.

As she entered the room, Eona recalled many times where her father would gorge himself on wine and mead as the cooks prepared suckling pig, spiced kerebu pie, smoked salmon, grapes and cheeses, and loaves of sweet dellywheat bread for a feast. When she was present, she would sit at the head table between Naneria and Albear; her father's honored guests would always grace his left side, with their attendants and servants seated at the lower tables. As Lord Azir ate he would look about the room, conversing loudly with his guests and laughing as the house jester entertained the party.

Many nights her father would host the other Nobles in their home, and for many nights Eona remembered the dining hall filled with the sounds of laughter and the smell of spiced delicacies.

This late, however, the room was abandoned. Half-eaten food and empty pitchers were scattered all over the tables—it was typical for her father to escort his guests to the main hall for a small social gathering after dinner, leaving the servants to tend to the cleanup on the morrow. If not for the silence, she would never have suspected that anything was amiss.

Clang!

The clatter rang loudly throughout the hall, causing Eona to jump as she glanced down at the tray her boot had kicked. The silver was tarnished after years of use, and a reddish-brown residue was smeared across the surface.

Eona felt her heart pounding heavily as she bent down and inspected the dish. Her breath caught in her throat as she ran a shaky finger over the rough edges, her eyes focused on the splash of red against the silver facet.

The residue was thick and chunky, sticking to her fingers like a paste, and as she sniffed it had an unmistakable gamey aroma.

A simple serving platter, stained with the juicy red meat from the evening's main course; nothing more. Breathing a sigh of relief, Eona shook her head at her own uneasiness and lifted her gaze.

A pair of wide, frightened eyes stared back at her from beneath the half-moon table.

"Daveth!" Eona gasped with a start, rocking back on her heels as she brandished the dagger in front of her. The eyes followed her, vacant and unblinking.

Before she could take another breath the captain was at her side. Daveth held his sword between them and the table as he gripped her arm. "Milady," he said, but as he followed her gaze he cursed.

The boy's eyes had glazed over long ago, his blond hair matted with gore and uneaten food. His mouth was agape as his severed head rested in a puddle of blood; his frail body lay next to him, garbed in a pallid green tunic.

"It's the pageboy from this morning," Daveth said as he helped Eona to her feet. He lowered his sword and scanned the room as if seeing everything for the first time. "By the gods," he muttered.

It was then that Eona saw the massacre.

Bodies were sprawled across the floor, lying in their own blood between the tables. Some of the chairs had been knocked down during the attack, and there were bits of food and dishes scattered amidst the carnage. Many of the faces were frozen in fright and surprise, their bodies splayed out as if trying to escape their fate.

Eona turned away, her chest tightening. Lady's breath, she thought as she pressed the back of her hand against her lips. "Are they all servants, Daveth?" she asked, her words quivering as she fought back the tears.

"Some of the guards lie among the dead," Daveth replied, his fists clenching as he turned back to Eona. "Both ours and those of Dernhest."

"Is my father among them?"

When he did not answer, Eona tightened her grip on the dagger. "Sir Daveth?"

"No, milady. But I know those responsible for this atrocity."

Eona glanced at the captain, but he was no longer standing next to her—he was walking towards the high table, his eyes trained on the tapestry hanging behind it.

Giving the corpses a wide berth, Eona followed Daveth. As she neared the dais, it did not take her long to see what had caught the captain's eye—a large bloody hand print had been pressed into the wall, smearing the dried liquid over the stone like paint.

"There's more," Daveth said as he pulled the tapestry aside.

Eona's blood froze inside her, sending chills down her spine as she gaped at what lay beneath the crest of Sternhelm.

Red and black paint swirled over the wall as if it were a canvas, forming lines that twisted and twined into a pattern that would strike fear into the heart of any man in Delzengar.

"It can't be," Eona whispered as she traced the drawing with her fingertips. The black ink was sticky to the touch, releasing a bittersweet aroma as she attempted to erase what she could. The harder she scrubbed, however, the more the scent burned her nostrils and stung at her eyes.

"Dragonberries," Daveth muttered, placing a gentle hand on Eona's shoulder as she stumbled back from the wall. "As black as the barbarians' hearts. Smells just as bad, too."

Eona wiped her hand on the hem of her dress and looked up. "What does it mean, Daveth?"

"It's a war symbol, milady." He met her gaze, and Eona saw a glister of darkness in his eyes that she had never seen before. "The Badala are declaring war on us."

Eona turned her focus on the symbol, her eyes following the smeared lines as she absorbed its meaning. "How could this happen?" she asked. "How did they get in?"

"There hasn't been a Badala attack in Delzengar for many years, milady. Not since the Great War," Daveth replied, his voice heavy with emotion as he turned away. "Perhaps we allowed ourselves to become complacent, unafraid of the dangers that exist beyond the comforts of our home."

Eona mulled over the knight's words as the events of the night flashed in her mind, assailing her thoughts in gruesome detail—Paschel's distorted face as the dagger pierced through his heart; the escaped prisoner as he laughed and stabbed at her, attempting to rob her of her life; the young pageboy, who had been so kind and now whose empty eyes stared back at her from the sockets in his severed head; the bodies of her father's servants, laying like slaughtered sheep in a pool of their own fluids.

We've become complacent, his words echoed in her mind. Unafraid of the dangers that exist.

Anger boiled in her veins, thawing out the dread and the fear that she had felt earlier. This is my house, she thought as she narrowed her eyes. The war symbol, a diamond-shaped face with spiraling horns and slashes for eyes, leered back at her. These are my people!

With a shrill cry, Eona raised the dagger and drove it forcefully into the wall. The blade pierced through the crevices in the stone, stabbing the diamond face between the eyes.

"We will find my family," Eona stated, breathing heavily as she gritted her teeth. Fueled by the atrocities around her, she allowed her anger to fill her soul as she continued to glare at the drawing. "And when we do, we will go to Delkai and call for a meeting with the Council. We will give the Badalans their war, Daveth, and before it's over they will know the full force of a Trinity's fury."


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Sun May 31, 2015 1:53 pm
Rydia wrote a review...



Hello there! I've not read the earlier chapters so if I point out anything which you feel you've already covered, please feel free to ignore.

Specifics

1.

Two long tables, shaped like crescent moons, were centered in the room; carved of solid wood, they could comfortably sit fifteen people apiece, allowing plenty of room for servants to scuttle by with pitchers of wine and platters filled with food.
I'd suggest changing the semi colon to a full stop as this sentence is very long and difficult to read aloud. It almost feels like the semi colon is there just because you know how to use one, but giving your reader a chance to breathe is more important than showing us how smart you are ;)

2. There's a very long introduction at the moment and not much happening. More often I find myself telling people to describe more but I think you need to describe a little less. Or at least have the action begin - a line of dialogue or so - and then go back to describing more of the scene.

3.
Eona mulled over the knight's words as the events of the night flashed in her mind, assailing her thoughts in gruesome detail—Paschel's distorted face as the dagger pierced through his heart; the escaped prisoner as he laughed and stabbed at her, attempting to rob her of her life; the young pageboy, who had been so kind and now whose empty eyes stared back at her from the sockets in his severed head; the bodies of her father's servants, laying like slaughtered sheep in a pool of their own fluids.
This paragraph needs breaking up to be readable.

Overall

There isn't much to nitpick in this piece so well done! My only concern in fact is that Eona doesn't show enough emotion in the early parts of the scene. When she first sees the corpses, she looks away, but I can't get a sense for what she's really feeling, whether she's afraid or disgusted or angered or a bit of everything. There's a nice touch of worry for her father, but other than that she seems to have little opinion on the dead people until she sees the symbol on the wall. After that she's angry and thinks about the poor page boy etc. but it feels like she needs to have a more immediate reaction to him and the other bodies as well.

I think you've got some great setting descriptions but I'd like to see the characters do more - trying to rub out the symbol was a nice touch but does the guard not want to check on his fallen friends or at the least go close the eyes of them/ see who it is that has been hurt? Doesn't he want to secure the area or get her out of there as soon as he can? It feels like everything is happening very slowly for what should be a frantic and desperate scene.

I hope that helps a little!

~Heather




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Thu Apr 30, 2015 7:04 pm
Pretzelstick wrote a review...



Heya firefly, pretzelsing here with the first review of this chapter. You have posted in quite a while so I am trying to refresh my memory.
Anyways,let's begin,shall we?
WOW! I wasn't expecting this at all. This is a plot twist,because reading the previous chapter, I thought that this was a separate assassinate that was just after Eona and Daveth. Now,the Badalans are threatening her whole kingdom.That is a bigger picture and threat.

Two long tables, shaped like crescent moons, were centered in the room; carved of solid wood, they could comfortably sit fifteen people apiece, allowing plenty of room for servants to scuttle by with pitchers of wine and platters filled with food


This is all one sentence and I would rephrase your use of punctuation a bit.How about if it looked like this:

"Two long tables, shaped like crescent moons, were centered in the room[,and] carved of solid wood[.]They could comfortably sit fifteen people apiece, allowing plenty of room for servants to scuttle by with pitchers of wine and platters filled with food."

ALERT!INFO DUMP!

Eona recalled many times where her father would gorge himself on wine and mead as the cooks prepared suckling pig, spiced kerebu pie, smoked salmon, grapes and cheeses, and loaves of sweet dellywheat bread for a feast.


I don't know what half of these food taste/look like. I think that you could just briefly say that they had a menu or a dish or something that the servants prepared.

Is my father among them?"

When he did not answer, Eona tightened her grip on the dagger. "Sir Daveth?"


Well, I was expecting that Eona would tighten her grip on Daveth's shoulder to get him to respond/react. After all,he was the one who could answer her question,not the dagger ;)

Eona's blood froze inside her,


The "inside" isn't needed. Of course we logically know that Eona's blood is inside her body.

Eona mulled over the knight's words as the events of the night flashed in her mind, assailing her thoughts in gruesome detail—Paschel's distorted face as the dagger pierced through his heart; the escaped prisoner as he laughed and stabbed at her, attempting to rob her of her life; the young pageboy, who had been so kind and now whose empty eyes stared back at her from the sockets in his severed head; the bodies of her father's servants, laying like slaughtered sheep in a pool of their own fluids.


This paragraph is one sentence. Please remember the one sentence=one idea. I used to do this when I was in elementary school and my teacher sat me down and told me this story.
You have a normal-sized bowl for ice-cream. And now you dumped the whole bottle of whipped cream in it, the whole bottle of sprinkles,the whole bottle of gummy bears, and 3 huge scoops of ice cream? Would that all fit into one bowl?
Well the obvious answer was no(that's what I said.) So this is how this pargraph seems. Overflowing with sweetly written ideas and you really need to break it up.I will let you do this on your own in editing,but just one more basic concept.
a semicolon (;) connects only two complete sentences.

Now onto the general. I really really liked the idea of Daveth and Eona being the MC here,but I was wondering if they had any romantic attraction? And shouldn't Eona say at least a "thank you" for Daveth for helping her save his life? I know that this is an unexpected emergency,but love and care unites people. This could be the time that Eona leans on Daveth's shoulder,out of comfort (because she wouldn't act this way otherwise.) People seeking comfort or help do a lot of things that they normally wouldn't do.

I like how in the last paragraph,you make Eona act fierce about her people.This is only expected,but does she really want to let anger consume her soul? Angry people=bitter souls and it never makes you feel better. I wonder how this will come out, because although I know that having anger for the Badalans is typical,normal,and expected,I am worried about Eona for harboring it.

I would also like more detail/description on the sign that was painted on the wall. I mean, I think that this had the most full-force impact on Eona. So this symbol must be very important and mentioned and emphasized in this chapter. What is the size,shape,color? Tell me those types of details so that I can imagine how it looks like in my head. I assume that Eona's kingdom favors the color orange,and so what color do the Badalans favor? (red?) :?

Anyways,that's it from me and I would like to end with saying that I like this "discovery chapter".It seems like it's really needed and necessary to the further development and plot of the story.If you have any questions then please reply below.

KEEP ON WRITING!
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firefly882 says...


Hey pretzel, thanks for coming back! I'm really glad you liked this chapter, and sorry it took so long! :( I'll be honest: this (and the next) chapter was written very quickly, so I was expecting some inconsistencies and mistakes to be present. But don't worry, I'll go back and fix them soon! As always, I appreciate your feedback and insight, and I hope you continue to enjoy the story! :)



pretzelsing says...


Np, I was happy to review it. Sorry that it was so short but I had written half of it and then when I refreshed the page,it got erased :( And so I had to rewrite and I rambled a little bit less ;). I am in the process of writing a review for the next chapter and hopefully it will be longer :)




The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character - that is the goal of true education.
— Martin Luther King, Jr.