I regret the day I met him because the day I met him is the same day joy exited my life. He was a seasoned charmer, and knew exactly how to make me feel special and wanted. The way he held my hand while we drove in his Ford F-150, the way he kissed my neck in bed, and whispered sweet things in my ear that made my heart jump for joy. He was perfect. For the first time in my existence I felt loved, cherished, and whole. I didn’t know life could be so wonderful. Now all I feel is an aching hole where my heart used to be. After getting what he wanted from me transformed into a monster I couldn’t recognize. His true colours were starting to shine through the prince charming façade and the picture they painted wasn’t pretty.
I should have read the early signs, and looking back now, they were many, I was simply too blinded by his glow to spot them. The first warning came when I found out he was HIV positive after we’d already engaged in reckless sexual behaviour. I should have run for the hills then but I was already under his spell.
I met him on Tinder, a dating app, but wasn’t instantly drawn to him, and because I am a naturally shy girl I had no intention of meeting him. I was too self-aware of my weight and lacked the courage to put myself out there. I was scared he was going to take one look at my larger than life curves and flee, but he won me over and I reluctantly agreed to a date. Nothing fancy, just a meeting in his car. We kissed that same night under the stars, and it took that one contact with his full soft lips for me to fall madly in love with him. He had me right where he wanted: under his power.
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,796 Reviews
Hi there Roundsquare( I love your username
), I'm just dropping by for a hopefully quick review. I have few things I want to point out, so here goes:
I agree with Dest that it felt like it was a prologue (and perhaps even a blurb if it was shortened to one paragraph). She talked about how the events went like "this occurred" and then "this" and I totally agree with her. The way this is written also feels like this happened quite a while ago (not because of its tense). I also thought this was jumping around time points and I was rather confused, because it wasn't exactly in chronological narrative. Now, I don't hold anything against not-chronological narrative, but I would have liked to have the events click together like a jigsaw.
Sorry, but I don't really see why the girl is so attracted to him. I just see him as a nasty guy--and obviously that was intended. I know about unhealthy relationships, but certainly there is a reason behind it. Because this is so short, I don't really know. Perhaps it may be good to expand on this segment so I can understand the boy's "allure". I don't think diving into the reckless behavior part would be nice in my opinion (I don't like graphic details) but I would have liked to have some juicy details.
I also thought parts like "naturally shy" and "self-aware of weight" is a bit tell-y here and I wish you would show it. For example, if she's shy, maybe somebody's try to talk to her and see her response. Or if she thinks she's fat, you could show her obsessing over it by checking her weight a couple of times a day, examining herself too much in a mirror.
I do think, though, that you set up the conflict splendidly. I see both external and internal conflicts and I love that about it:
External: Relationship with the boy. I'm wondering what happens if she tries to get away from him. Will he chase her or put up a protest or something? I have a minor quibble: HIV is a pretty serious (and chronic) disease in my opinion and I'm not sure if that fits here?
Internal: Leave/not. Should she leave or not? She knows she might hurt herself if she sticks around, so does she?...
So overall, I think this could be improved by filling in details but I see that the conflict is already worked out nicely from the beginning. Feel free to use my suggestions or not and message me if you want to discuss or have any questions!
Because these sentences are so short, I would just combine the two.
I like these lines a lot! Any wordplay involving art is cool with me.
Although dating while HIV-positive is certainly possible, I can understand why the speaker/main character felt uncomfortable. It's pretty obvious this dude hadn't told her anything.
This seems like a prologue. To me, it was not particularly exciting because it felt like too much explanation and not enough detail. It's like, "He did XYZ and I should have known better because of ABC." I think you should add more description like instead of "it took me only that kiss" maybe something like "the mere brush/force of his lips..." I don't know. Hopefully, you get what I am saying. XD
I think you have a great idea of where you want your story to go. It's all mapped out here! Adding more details might be more beneficial too.
Keep writing!
Seems interesting