((Okay, so this is stellar-short, I know, but more is coming very soon. If you feel like this is too short to critique, I won't be mad if you wait until I submit some more to take it apart. 
Also, in the beginning, this won't sound fantasy at all, so all of you hard-core-fantasy readers, I'm not sure how into it you'll be. Thanks guys, love you!))
On my fifth birthday, my brand new bunk bed collapsed. On my lungs.
Of course, I was immediately rushed away in an ambulance. And despite the EMTs pinging machines and pumping valves and flashing lights, they lost me for only the briefest amount of time.
But still. I was clinically dead for three minutes and fifty-nine seconds.
When I awoke to those anxious hospital strangers in their masks like villains, I told them I’d seen heaven. And they tapped their watches and shot each other looks and somehow convinced me that it was all a dream.
And so I believed them. I believed them for eleven years and I forgot and forgot and forgot. But closing my eyes now, I can still see that blinding, consuming light that shone out of everywhere, even my own pores. I see that white and white and endless white. I see those final marble steps that I wasn’t allowed to climb because no, no, it wasn’t my time yet.
And so sometimes, after everything that’s happen, I picture that heavenly dream and I wonder if I really did make up all of those angels on my own.
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,777 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okayyy....well this is a pretty short piece here...but it is one of those somewhat rare pieces that despite being super short still manage to come through as being quite intriguing. You've certainly managed to catch my attention here. It does make you instantly ask more than a few questions and its on the somewhat unique side here, I've seen things along the line of this premise before, but it does seem to itself be a bit of a unique idea here.
I think its quite interesting there to bring in this concept of a vision this person had while quite close to death and tie in some interesting conflict there with people denying it and making him deny it...but of course the hints there make it clear that there is more than meets the eye going on there.
Overall, this is a pretty solid piece. All I'd say is that perhaps the ending cuts off a tiny bit too abruptly and the way you talk of this bed collapsing on the lungs doesn't quite work. I can see how the lungs would collapse if something fell on this person's chest perhaps in an odd angle, but saying it fell directly on the lungs sounds a bit odd and it's a bit inaccurate there.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey there Roo, the names lily and I <3 reviewing short pieces. ^^
First off, this sets a really good stage for what is to come. It doesn't give away too much detail nor does it just state this and this, therefore having no effect on the reader.
This sounds clumsy to me. A suggestion I would make would be something like: “But still, I had been clinically dead for…”
Overall, I found this rather cute and I would definitely be interested in seeing more. The only advice I can give you now is that you don’t want to force your readers into sympathizing with your character. They’ll sympathize if they want to, but don’t make her story seem sad just cause people don’t believe her. Forcing people to believe will irritate your reader.
Any questions or if you want any advice, just PM me.
~lilymoore
Hi there! Frag reporting for a review!
This was really good! There's only a couple of things I picked up.
I think that you should take out the period and make it all one sentence. Like "On my fifth birthday, my brand new bunk bed collapsed on my lungs." I just think it would sound better.
xD I just had this random thing pop in my head. "But still. I was clinically dead for three minutes and fifty-nine seconds. Does that make me a zombie? Not really. Five-year olds tend to enjoy animal crackers better than human flesh."
That was so random. I don't even know where that came from xD
Why are they tapping their watches? That kind of confused me...
You repeat these words a bit too much. Like, the third one is okay, but the first two can be cut down. The first one can even be cut down to 2 forgots, if you'd like to keep that.
This was good. It has me hooked! PM me with the next part, pretty please?
Over and out!
- Fragg
Personally, I don't like to go far in to spelling nitpicks and stuff, so i think the other guys got the majority of that. This really grabbed my attention. As I was reading this, it took me to a place (ignore the weird wording) but despite all the white, it was very grey, very dark. But that's just me.
I am very curious to where this is going. I can see it making some very interesting turns already. Just wondering, will this take on any religious "personalities" or themes?
You've got me pulled in. If you need to collaborate or anything really, just give me a little PM, OK?
Awake
Great job on this! I can't wait to see where this goes.
Basket and Retrogradatory basically said it all for me, except for one thing....
I personally thought "I forgot and forgot and forgot" was a bit redundant. I'm not sure how I would change it, but it doesn't flow as nicely as it might.
Once again, great job!
zOe
Great job! Your first line is a great hook. Can't wait to read what happens next. Wish I could say more but Basket really said it all for me.
Doesn't that's mean "that is"? If it does, this wouldn't make sense in your sentence.
Hey! Basket here to critique your work today, I hope you don't mind. Okay, well, my corrections/what I will be correcting is going to be in bold within the quotation boxes that we can do.
If i feel it needs an explanation or something, I'll mention it below it.
Sound good? Great. Lets get started.
I would change that "and" to a comma.
Hmm... I'd personally change this to:
"They tapped their watches and shot each other looks; yet somehow managed to convince me that it was all a dream."
I realize that you're more than likely repeating everything on purpose, but, really, its uneeded.
Okay, this was really short, so I have nothing major to point out, except that you started two paragraphs and many different sentences with the word "and". Whether or not you did this on purpose, writing like that can rather tire the reader out.
However! I liked this. I really did. I'm interested to see where this is going. Its written well enough to interest me.
So, pray tell, when's the first chapter coming up?
-Basket-