z
  • Home

Young Writers Society


16+ Language Violence

The Forsaken Race - The Hidden Truth: Prologue

by RavenAkuma


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and violence.

Prologue

              

(Thirteen moons ago...)

                     

The night sky was blanketed by stars. The full moon offered a soothing silver light, just barely illuminating a place of seemingly endless rolling hills. That was how most of the rural terrain looked in the huge and prosperous kingdom of Sybilius. The home of the Aubade Sylph people.

The greatest spot in all of Sybilius was in the far southeast corner of the territory. Amid the beautiful hillscape, a massive old palace stood out like a gem, surrounded by a rich city and thick walls. Clean paths branched out toward smaller local towns, and at the late hours, most of the humble residents lay asleep in their homes. The odd patrolling guard, drunken fool, or mischievous youth may be spotted now and again, but they were not enough to disturb the overarching peace.

However, that did not mean that Sybilius was without its problems. Including one that clung to it like a plague. The malignant essence was most strong in an off-putting region to the south. With only a few hills and valleys separating it from the city, there stood an eerie dark forest.

Tonight, just beyond the trees, a dark figure waited patiently.

Finally, a signal had manifested.

The palace's warning fires, at every corner of the building, went up like a candelabra. Not long afterward, fires at each point of the outer wall were ignited to match.

Those responsible for the commotion made it past the main gates of the city, just before the fires went up. Their shadowy silhouettes could barely be spotted amid the darkened landscape, charging toward the forest.

However, a group of loyal sylph soldiers was well on their tail. In the moonlight, the thin but sturdy plates of their silver armor were glistening against their black undersuits. The vibrant purple plumes of their helmets flowed in the wind. More menacing than their appearance, however, was the glint of their swords and crossbows.

With only a short run between the forest and them, the soldiers stood strong.

"Show yourselves!" One sylph soldier shouted. "We will not back down now!”

Another soldier suddenly pointed westward. "There, it-!"

'BLAM!'

Without warning, the sylph was launched back, and the impact rendered him paralyzed on the ground.

From the direction the shot came from, the other soldiers could finally see one of the monstrous opponents. The moonlight just barely revealed the tall body of a man, but with pointed animalian ears atop his head, chilling eyes with slitted pupils, pale gray skin, and a mouth full of sharp fangs. Even the feet he walked on were like talons, or paws with three large toes; either way, it was another hideous warp of a normal body.

The bestial gunman slid back the pump of his gold-tinted shotgun, chambering another fiery bullet. He fired straight into the air, the flash briefly illuminating his vibrant orange mane. The blast hardly intimidated the remaining soldiers.

Beyond the trees, the dark figure sneered, clearly annoyed.

Just like that, two more opponents -of the same bestial species- joined the gunman on the hill. It only took seconds for chaos to erupt.

The piercing clatter of metal, the 'snap' of crossbows and 'crunch' of broken bones, and the stench of blood as it sprayed from fresh wounds; all of it created a hellish cacophony. From the beasts' side, even magic began to manifest in the form of stunning water bursts, scorching flames, and hunks of stone launching through the air. The lush meadowgrass was now trsmpled and slick with blood. This classic battlefield was not terribly large, yet intense enough to make any onlooker cringe with fear and dread.

It would not last much longer, though.

Someone else had arrived at the edge of the battlefield. The tall sylph woman was clasped in silver and violet-tinted armor, and on her head was a gold crown with three shimmering amethysts. Her long chestnut hair was adorned with streaks of violet, sectioned into small tails by a series of golden beads. Her skin was ashen white and her ears long and pointed -the trademarks of her people. Yet despite her mortal status, her spirit shone through like a goddess.

Watching the horrific scene play out, her glimmering green eyes became tinged with fury. Each agonized cry and drop of blood was like another spark to the fire within. With surprisingly calm composure, the royal sylph unsheathed her ornate greatsword and began her approach.

Beyond the trees, the dark figure's lip curled, revealing his fangs.

While the weary soldiers backed away, relieved, the beastly opponents were less than happy.

The gunman cocked his shotgun. "Great. It's Corelia."

The two other bestial warriors rallied behind him. A fourth one lingered behind, previously hidden from the clash.

The gunman raised his shotgun. “It was stupid of you to take our beta like that. Did you really think Timbur would tell you anything?”

Corelia's voice was strong and unwavering. "The same creature that, on this night alone, killed twelve people. Five of them were not pursuing him, and one was not even a soldier.”

The lingering beast stormed forward and spat at her feet. Despite his diminutive stature, plethora of minor injuries, and lack of a weapon, he showed no fear.

He hissed, "I don't take chances over the life of a maggot."

Unfazed, Corelia stopped before them. "Everything I do is to protect the Aubades. That is what I have done tonight, what I've been doing all these years, and what I plan to continue doing for however long I must. That’s all there is to it.”

Even though a breath of hesitation loomed over the group, their anger made them look ready to strike. Their claws scraped the grips of their weapons, their fangs showed through curled lips, and their ears angled back. All to make them resemble ravenous wolves.

"Enough."

All four of the beasts stirred at the voice. Despite it being dark, quiet, and monotonous, they acted like a gun was fired right behind them. Corelia was only irked by it.

From beyond the trees, the lurking monster finally came forward. He blended too well with the shadows of the night, and many of his distinguishing features were further hidden under long, straight locks. He was certainly the same species as the other opponents, though. His animalian ears were riddled with chips and tears, and the few visible portions of his dust-gray skin were equally coated in blackish scars.

The knave spoke, "And you wonder why I don't let you try things like this. You had one gods-damn job; get in, get out, without alerting anyone stronger than a lieutenant. Instead, you lure the most dangerous one back to our territory."

No one had the will to respond.

The knave just grunted. "Retreat. Forget any grunts, it's not as if any of them are going to last long in their positions anyway."

Keen to the taunt, Corelia kept her focus solely on him. Though still hesitant, three of the bestial warriors gave in and ran back into the woods. However, the smaller one stood his ground.

"Ever the faithful one, isn't he?" Asked Corelia. "You know, strong loyalty is admirable, but strict obedience is merely foolish."

The warrior snarled furiously. “What makes you think I’d take any advice from the likes of you, the queen of vermin?”

The knave shot a glare toward him. In response, he begrudgingly retreated to the forest. All that remained on the battlefield was the strange dark figure, the royal sylph, and many sylph corpses. A tale almost cliche to either side.

Corelia sighed, "I don't understand. Your army is reduced to nothing, you are suffering, and your attacks only leave innocent sylphs in grief. They do not make me or my army any weaker. Why do you keep fighting like this? Why can't you just admit that, if you continue down this path, there will be no chance for your survival or benefit?"

"You know exactly why," the knave said bitterly, his one-eyed glare reflecting a dark history.

“Yes, I do. However, I hate this constant grief, and you must be growing weary of these attacks. If only you’d be willing to compromise, there could be another way.”

“Even a child knows not to deal with your kind,” the knave spat.

“Stubborn thing,” Corelia muttered. “Why can't you understand? This can’t be what you expect to do for the rest of your lives-”

'CLANG!'

Corelia took a sharp breath, barely raising her sword in time. The blade was holding back a jagged spear, threatening to cut open her throat.

The knave spoke warily, “I wouldn’t be so sure.”

"I'm only telling you to give you a chance," Corelia desperately responded. "I'm sick of this!"

"Why are you in such a whiny mood, tonight?" The knave retorted. "Quit acting like a peacemonger. This will not end until there's no one left to fight. That was decided long before either of us came to rule, and unlike the bunch of cowards and morons before me, I plan to finish this. One way or another."

Corelia drew back, attempting to strike again. The knave, faster than she could comprehend, blocked and countered with a strike to the neck. With only a scratch, Corelia recovered and pressed forward. It quickly became a savage parry between light and shadow, until Corelia blocked an incoming attack.

"Just wait," she spoke, her breaths strained. "A war like ours can't go on forever, and the stakes are shifting. I can already guarantee, with what I've said in mind, it won't end well for you."

"You wouldn't know," the knave growled. "All you do is hide behind your henchmen."

"I do not 'hide behind’ my soldiers," Corelia spat. "I stand with them."

Suddenly, a shockwave drove the sylph's sword back; it flew out of her hands, landing with its blade stuck in the dirt. While she was stunned, the knave slammed a knee into her gut, making her double over. Even with the armor on, it caused her pain.

Corelia rushed back, barely avoiding a fatal blow. When she saw an ominous white ring, piercing through the shadows where the man's eye should be, she struggled to hide her anxiety.

"Contain your evil!" She snapped. "Arrogant creature, just wait. Something big is coming; the stakes are going to shift, and if it's enough for me to feel, it's certainly enough for you."

"I wasn't going to deny that."

As a cloud moved away from the moon, the extra light partially illuminated the man's pale gold spear, while bringing more definition to his dark attire and hair blacker than a raven's feather. He kept the right side of his face hidden. As he glared back at the sylph with one visible eye, the mysterious ring vanished, revealing its haunting deep blue hue.

"As a resident of lands far less oblivious than yours, I know chaos is lurking. However, as with the last several ages, I know the worst of it is right in front of me."

Through her fear and disdain, Corelia smirked. "I think we have very different ideas of what the 'worst' entails, demon king."


Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
91 Reviews

Points: 7759
Reviews: 91

Donate
Sun Apr 07, 2024 6:56 pm
Moonlily wrote a review...



Hello Hello, I hope you dont mind me coming with a little review of this prologue. I do understand that this is somewhat older and things might have changed or not reflect your current writing however I do hope you keep what I have to say in mind. Overall I only have a few things to give feedback on since it is otherwise pretty solid. Do keep in mind these might just be my own personal outlook on how I would approach this you in no way have to take it.

Starting with my main feedback, you do a good showcasing the world but I feel you could strengthen it so the exposition isn't as obvious. I would suggest that for a little bit, we perhaps see a glimpse of life, maybe we follow kids that can freely and safely wander around the land as the queen visits. this not only shows that it is peaceful but also showcases how much she cares or seems to care making the fight even tenser. then against their parent's warnings, they go to the forest to see the figure and it plays out the same.

Other than that I only have two short nitpicks, one being that you tend to tell us the character is in pain or anxious and I feel the use of body language and metaphor could cut down on that. i.e. Looking into the shadows trying to fight against the spasmaing muscles and heaving breaths that usher her panic in. The last one is small but it would be more gripping if you added in other senses like taste or touch. Is the air perfumed with iron and copper or the ground slick with blood, it just adds a sense of vividness is all.

Regardless keep it up, stay writing and drink water!




RavenAkuma says...


I don't mind at all if you want to review older stuff! Especially the prologue, as I have been dying to perfect it. That being said, I see what you're saying and I appreciate the insight. Thank you very much for taking the time to read and review! ^^



Moonlily says...


Thank you for being a good sport about it, I enjoyed reading it all.



User avatar
69 Reviews

Points: 145
Reviews: 69

Donate
Thu Feb 22, 2024 4:19 pm
View Likes
keeperofgaming wrote a review...



I quite enjoy this story. It illustrates a simple but dark look. Showing how the demon king holds a grudge. It really just showed how deep the backstory that exists is.
The war being irritating to the sylph is believable, as I am not sure whether she is good or not, but she is a good commander. Her want for peace is clear and surely makes it fun.
I would love to read more of this so I'mma follow you.
The story gave me a dark and foreboding feeling, allowing me to grind into the story.
The grammar showed purpose and was correct quite easily.
The characters showed tactics and a sense of honor.
I also like how Correlia admonished the demon king for having obedience instead of loyalty, emphasizing her will to help.
The darkness is pushed forward and the characters are likeable. I definitely can't wait to see how this story expands.




User avatar
114 Reviews

Points: 9484
Reviews: 114

Donate
Wed Feb 07, 2024 10:36 pm
View Likes
Ley wrote a review...



Hello! :D Ley here to review this piece for you! I saw some of these chapters sitting in the greenroom, but I can't review it before I read the previous chapters, so here I am! I'm excited to dig into this story! As you know, I'm a sucker for fantasy, so this is right up my ally! <3

First impressions...

This was an eventful prologue! I think you did a wonderful job with world-building here without it being overwhelming, which I appreciate. And the descriptive language had my jaw-dropped. You do such a good job of describing things that I was able to picture the scene perfectly-- especially when we met Corelia, the way you described her brunette hair with streaks of colour!

When I was reading this I felt...

Suspense. This was the perfect introduction to your novel, it made me more curious to know what's going to happen next. The way you switched beyond POV's, from the Demon King to the Sylph Queen, it gave me more insight on what's to come in future chapters.

My favorite line/quote is...

The ending was my favorite, the banter between rulers. The last line specifically:

The sylph smirked. "I think we have very different ideas of what the 'worst' entails, demon king."


These words said by Corelia was the turning point for me because I finally found out who the darkness was. The way you described him in the beginning, though, was truly clever as well: I kind of imagined him as just blackness, empty matter that floated. Kind of like a spirit. I'm excited to see what comes of the Demon King.

Some things that could be improved are...

I couldn't find any issues here, besides a few commas and capitalization issues, but I'm sure all the reviews before me covered those. I'm here to review on the content :D And this was a perfect first chapter!

Overall...

I can't wait to read more! I wonder if there's going to be some kind of romance brewing between the Sylph Queen and the Demon King. Or, maybe it'll just be pure hatred. We'll see ;) I can't wait to read chapter 1!

By the way, thank you for all the reviews on The Daughter of War. I look forward to them every time I log in. <3 *huggles*

With Love,
Leya




RavenAkuma says...


It's great to know what signals the prologue is sending for you! Oh, and it is interesting that you mention a potential romance arc between these characters, because that is a common theory that developed when this story was on other platforms. You'll probably see why, so I won't spoil anything ;)

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read and review, much appreciated! :)



User avatar
542 Reviews

Points: 41664
Reviews: 542

Donate
Tue Dec 19, 2023 2:19 pm
Liminality wrote a review...



Hi there! I saw your request in the General Request Repository a while back, so I thought I’d leave a review :D I can’t quite form a lot of confident critiques based on a prologue alone, but I’ve given a few of my thoughts here – take whatever seems helpful!

General Impressions

I thought the descriptions in the beginning helped to paint a general picture of the world. It sort of seems like the narrator is written to be someone from Queen Corelia’s side of the story, since they praise the peace of Sybilius a lot and consider the opposing leader’s people to be trouble and ‘warped’ compared to everyone else. Meanwhile, the dialogue from the attackers and the demon king later on in the scene suggest that this might not be the only perspective? The demon king seems like he has more going on beneath the surface, since he refers to wrongdoings he attributes to the other side that aren’t really elaborated on yet.

Additionally, Corelia seems quite confident that they both will face bigger troubles. This ominous declaration of there being something bigger happening in the world piqued my interest – I wonder what that will turn out to be.

Plot and Scene Structure

Something I liked was how the initial three attackers were introduced. I could follow that sequence quite well. The words of the soldiers seemed believable, and I can believe that the attackers mean business when they’re willing to shoot someone mid-speech.

He then fired straight into the air, which hardly intimidated the remaining soldiers.
Beyond the trees, the dark figure sneered, clearly annoyed.

I like how this foreshadows the later dialogue among the attackers where one of them complains about Corelia not giving up. It seems this is also a trait of her soldiers.

With surprisingly calm composure, the royal sylph unsheathed her ornate greatsword and began her approach.
Beyond the trees, the dark figure's lip curled, revealing his fangs.

I also thought this change to describing the demon king’s expression good way to show he recognizes her early on.

The dark man spoke, "And you wonder why I don't let you try things like this on a normal basis. You had one gods-damn job; get in, get out, without alerting anyone stronger than a lieutenant. Instead, you lure the most dangerous back to our territory? How did you even manage that?"

I also liked this exchange, because it adds more depth to the demon king, who is still unknown, by hinting at his ‘working dynamics’ with the other three.

Something I thought could be improved on was the abruptness of the ending. I’m kind of left unsure how to feel.

I usually expect the prologue of a fantasy story to end setting the tone of the tale. While the ending here does give a hint of the story to come (something ‘big’ is going on in the background that will influence this seemingly never-ending war), the “smirk” makes it hard to take it as totally ominous while the thought that it’s something bad makes it hard to take it as fun or hopeful. If it’s meant to be ambiguous, I think some extra description there might help cement the idea that the future in the story is an uncertain one, perhaps?

Descriptions

I liked the imaginative use of words to describe the setting!
A large, old palace surrounded by thick walls and a rich city, all burrowed in the captivating landscape of rolling hills.

For example, I like the use of the word “burrowed” here – it brings to mind the shape, the earthiness and somehow even the texture of this location.

The palace's warning fires, at every corner of the building, went up like a candelabra.

I like that “candelabra” reflects the ‘regal’ quality that the other descriptions of the palace have, like “old” and being compared to a “gem”.

Something I think could be improved are the balance of colour descriptions. I felt like the word “dark” was used quite a lot, especially to describe the demon king and the people who work for him. It felt a bit repetitive. ‘dark’ is also a lot vaguer than ‘sylph’ or ‘royal’, or this very vibrant description of the Aubade soldiers at night:
In the moonlight, the thin but sturdy plates of their silver armor were glistening against their black undersuits. The vibrant purple plumes of their helmets flowed in the wind.

Or the descriptions of the attackers’ weapons:
The bestial gunman slid back the pump of his gold-tinted shotgun, chambering another fiery, magic bullet.


I wonder if there are other ways to keep those characters mysterious without having to focus on keeping them ‘in darkness’ for most of the scene? For example, I’d imagine things in the environment might be concealing them: ‘the buildings cast a shadow over [someone’s] face’ or ‘close-packed leaves hid most of the silhouette’.

Just like that, two more shifting figures joined the gunman, on the hill. They had the same odd traits, as well.

It might also be interesting to experiment with distributing little hints of their physical appearance as the scene progresses: like a flash of their eyes here, and a glimpse of clothes there, as opposed to describing one ‘example’ of the demon king’s followers in one paragraph and having that apply to all of them. Distributing it might help the reader absorb each detail and also might make it easier to tell the attackers apart by imagery and actions, rather than just by what they are called in the narration.

Something that I did like about how the demon king was described upon being revealed was the contrasting shades of "pale gold" and "dark blue". I thought that made his character design stand out.

Overall

I think you have a good basic plot and scene structure, from what I see in the prologue. I like the general flow of events here. My main suggestions for revision would be to think about how you want readers to feel at the end of the prologue and maybe edit based on that, and also to think more about how the demon king and his followers are described, i.e. how might you vary it and what does that say about those characters.

Let me know if you’d like more feedback on something specific! And keep writing!
-Lim




RavenAkuma says...


Hello! Thank you very much for taking the time to read and review, I appreciate it! I will note how the prologue sounds abrupt at the end, and consider better descriptions for the demon king and his followers ~



User avatar
1503 Reviews

Points: 156589
Reviews: 1503

Donate
Mon Dec 11, 2023 4:44 pm
IcyFlame wrote a review...



Hey there Raven - a belated welcome to YWS! I noticed you've posted a lot of these chapters recently and most are still hanging out in the Green Room so I'm popping by to hopefully leave a review for a good few of them. I'm starting with the prologue so I'm all caught up, but I'll mainly focus my reviewing on chapters two and onwards as those are still in the Green Room.

Onto the review!

I have mixed feelings about prologue's in general because they are oftentimes not needed and a while back they became kind of a hygiene factor... i.e. most fantasy stories had them as a standard as a category norm, not because they added anything. I don't necessarily have anything against them, but make sure your prologue is adding something the reader can't get elsewhere.

A real strength of this prologue is the description. It feels very fantasical/magical and I think you've done a really good job at setting the scene here.

Tonight, just beyond the trees, a dark figure waited patiently.

This single line is great for tension building!

There's a lot of information you've included in this prologue as a whole and I think you're probably on the verge of a little too much happening, too much more and I think it could become overwhelming. It's difficult because the characters don't have names, so it's not super easy to identify or connect with any of them - I guess my main point is when you look back over this I would steer clear of adding anything more!

Looking forward to chapter one :)

Icy




RavenAkuma says...


Thanks, I'm having a lot of fun on YWS! It's good to know how my prologue is coming off to readers. The purpose of this one is to provide a hint/example of the main conflict, before the main character learns about it (not to spoil anything yet ~). It does come back up later in the series, but still, my hopes are that it doesn't read as overwhelming or irrelevant, like you said.

Sorry to clutter up the green room by the way XD

Anyways, thank you for the warm welcome, and for your helpful review! :)



User avatar
100 Reviews

Points: 3676
Reviews: 100

Donate
Thu Dec 07, 2023 9:43 am
View Likes
dragonight9 wrote a review...



Hi, Dragonight here. I'm so excited to read your story.
I'm not the best at reviews but I hope my comments help.

What I noticed while reading:

I really liked how you subtilty hinted that the Sylph people were 'mortals' in their description. It immediately told me that they were not the most powerful race in your story.

I loved your description of Sybilius. You did a great job describing a wonderous society while keeping it real/humble (not too perfect) with the mention of drunken fools and mischievous youth. It was more than just another perfect kingdom with one dark spot and I like that.

I really liked the build up and the fight between Corelia and the demon king. Your description was more than enough for me to picture it clearly in my mind.

You also enticed me with your description of the chaos lurking and something big coming. Your premice of something big in a battel between light and dark, elven-like race and demon king, is classic but no worse off for that. I really enjoy this kind of story and there's a lot you can do with the concept. You did a great job introducing it in a way that leaves you many options while keeping me (the reader) guessing.
Is the demon king really the bad guy? Is something bigger than both coming to destroy them? Will they have to work together or will one side use it to destroy the other? Lots of great questions ;)

Overall thoughts:

This was a wonderful introduction and short enough to be a good prologue. You really showed great writing skill here. Your grammar was great and descriptions engaging. There were a few times you used uncommon descriptive words like "cacophony" which both added depth to the story and made it feel like a 'high class' book.

Your fight was not too complicated yet had enough detail for me to feel the thrill of the fight and picture it clearly. Great job!

Final thoughts:

I'm excited to continue reading / reviewing your book. It definitely seems like the kind of story I enjoy and I love authors who are more descriptive (like you).
I'll be sure to read more soon, for now have a great day/week!




RavenAkuma says...


Thank you, I'm glad you enjoyed it! :)



User avatar
172 Reviews

Points: 34172
Reviews: 172

Donate
Wed Dec 06, 2023 3:49 pm
View Likes
Roxanne wrote a review...



’Tis the Season!



Amidst the twinkling lights of my festive rose garden, I spy with my little eye...

Something quite intriguing; the very beginning of a tale titled “The Forsaken Race - The Hidden Truth”".

Alright, no more delays! Let’s put these review skillz into action, shall we?

Image

I. Getting Festive First🎊
Let’s kick off by showering a burst of confetti on those standout parts;
I must say that you've written a captivating fantasy story with the perfect elements to create that ancient feel to it. The idea of a failed negotiation between the royal Sylph and a dark figure creates the perfect chance for something full of chaos, the beginning of the true story, the beginning of an inevitable war.

Your characters are amazingly unique and so is the name of their sort as well as the names of the sylphs that have been revealed, such as Queen Corelia. The mystery and tension that you've spread throughout the story definitely adds to the intrigue. You've crafted a marvelous beginning, one that looks quite promising.

II. The Merry Entrance to Upgrade🪄
Now guess what? I've brought a festive surprise your way, a box of suggestions wrapped in Christmas magic. Ready to unwrap them?

Let's start with the first one, the clarity followed by descriptions.
The prologue is rich in detail, the descriptions can help you visualise the setting and characters. However, at times, the descriptions can seem a bit overwhelming due to the fact that it seems that some scenes overlap each other.
For instance, the story begins with providing the reader with some background info about this mystical land and its people, but then the scene jumps to a dark figure lurking in the woods, back to its people and then to a war. I found it a bit difficult to keep up with the information that was given. Perhaps you could consider adjusting some scenes for a better and smoother transition.

For example, the beginning of the story gives the feeling that this is the part where you introduce the world and probably a mundane scene in it, but if the prologue is meant to show the origin of a war, perhaps consider starting the prologue with a scene of the battlefield. And while you describe the battlefield and the fight on it, you could also give away small details of the land and it's people.

Secondly, the pacing and atmosphere.
As I mentioned, the atmosphere in the very beginning of the story shows the page right out of a fairy tale, but a mysterious part of course. So if you decide to leave your structure as it, perhaps you could adjust the pacing and the atmosphere you spread, so gradually from mysterious to tension.

Lastly, your descriptions are vivid, but to make them even more lively, try to work up to the rule "show, don't tell". Try to show the battlefield, rather than telling what's happing. Also, another teeny tiny suggestion for the chapters that are yet to come; try to incorporate some foreshadowing, this will definitely add to the mysterious layer of your story.

But of course, do keep in mind, these are only suggestions with the intention of boosting the impact and depth of your story. And the decision of considering them is entirely up to you.

III. Seek Inspiration Beyond
Feel free to check out Williwaw Chapter 1 by @Messenger and Patient Zero: Prologue by @APoltergeist for some extra inspiration and ideas to spice up your own storytelling!

IV. Merry Conclusion☃️
Everything in all and all, you've started an incredible tale that promises a good mystery. With just a few improvements you could boost the depth of your tale, but otherwise, well done!
When time allows me to sit back and enjoy some Christmas cookies, I'll be sure to read your other chapters.

Happy Holidays!🎄

That's it, that's all.
Hoping the review has been of value to you!

With Rose-tinted regards!




RavenAkuma says...


Thank you very much for your review and suggestions! Truth be told, I've struggled with perfecting the prologue of "The Hidden Truth" for a long time, so I really appreciate the insight! :)



Roxanne says...


You're welcome, I'm glad to hear you found my review useful!




In the past I would definitely say who you would find inside. Not so much today. Place is bonkers …. As is everywhere
— Greg Specter