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hidden pictures

by Quillfeather

Chapter 1

“Come on simon” krissa yelled

‘We can’t be late”. “I’m coming,” Simon said. “ugg can’t you go any faster?” krissa said impatiently. Simon sighed “ oh come on krissa does it really matter if we’re a little late to the chili contest?”. “Yes it does, I want to get some pictures of them setting up for your article”. Simon just sighed. Krissa wondered what was wrong with simon. He used to love writing articles, but now it was different. He hadn’t been the same since our father died. He used to be fun. When Krissa was 12, and Simon was 13, they started the bridgton daily new paper. Simon always loved journalism, and krissa’s passion was photography. And because their father was a lawyer so they knew where all the crime was (not that there was much in bridgton). But a year ago their father died. Simon became a bit of a recluse, and didn't care much about the newspaper. He was a lot better now, but still not the same simon, but something else was bothering him today. They walked on a bit more until they saw a sign that said “ WELCOME TO THE BRIDGTON, NORTH CAROLINA CHILI COOKOFF!”

Chapter 2

“Did you finish writing the article yet?” Krissa asked as she walked into Simon's room. “Almost, “ Simon said. Krissa noticed he sounded bored. “Well I brought my picture in “, it was a picture of the first place winner. “oh” simon said “how does it look”. “Ok i guess “ said krissa “ the only problem is there’s a guy in the background” “it ruins the whole picture”. “Oh no, that will ruin the amazing and important story of chili,” Simon said sarcastically . “ all right!” Krissa said, putting her hands on her hips” you’ve been like this all day, what's wrong?” “don’t you think it’s a bit boring making stories on chili all the time!” simon said “why doesn't anything exciting ever happen to us! The only criminals we get are chicken thieves!”

“Look Simon,” Krissa said “ i’m sorry that all you have to write about is chili, but that's what you get in a small town, you just have to work with it” simon rolled his eyes. “Look, maybe if you get a good night's sleep, you will feel better in the morning” “ok mom” simon said sarcastically. Krissa sighed “ good night simon.

Chapter: 3

Krissa woke up to see Simon sitting at the dining room table. “ did the papers get delivered ?” Krissa asked . “ yep” simon replied “ they've all been delivered”. Suddenly there was a loud knock on the door. They both looked at eachother. Krissa opened the door “hello who's there?” she asked. Hello, miss do the authors of the bridgton daily live here?” said a tall deep voiced man with dark brown hair, gray eyes, and a stern face. “ um uhh yes sir” said krissa. “Won't you come in mister ahh”

“Oh ivanov thomas ivenhov “ said the man

“Oh nice to meet you” said krissa “i am krissa robinson, and this is my brother simon robinson we are the makers of the news paper” “but you are just kids you can not help me” said mister ivenhov “help you with what ?” asked krissa “ it does not concern children” said the man “ well then you can tell us because we are not children i’m seventeen” said simon “well your father… and you did take the picture...maybe just maybe” mister ivenhov muttered “well...okay” sit down and let me tell you something.

Chapter 4

“As it turns out” mister ivenhov said “i may need your assistance. You see, I am a FBI agent .” “Why us?” Simon asked. “It's Because of the picture in this article”

Mister ivenhov said. It was a picture of the first place prize winner of the chili cook off.

“What about it ?” said Krissa, sounding slightly offended. “ if you look closely you will see a man in the background” mister Ivanhov said “ i believe him to be a thief i have been chasing for quite awhile. Do you know him?”. “Should we ?” said simon “no...not really...just your father…” said mister ivenhov muttering again “ no matter since you have no information, i will leave you alone. Just then something came crashing through the window. They all looked down to Simon and Krissa It looked like a turnip, but mister ivenhov yelled “ get out”. The two didn't really understand but they followed the order anyway. Just as they got out the turnip exploded.”what was that” krissa asked. That wasn't an ordinary turnip” said mister ivenhov “spies used them in world war two, all you have to do is cut off the top and throw.” it seem that now this is more than just a thief. and it’s got a little too close to you to come with me”. 

Is this a review?



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1232 Reviews

Points: 119938
Reviews: 1232

Mon Apr 12, 2021 10:12 am
MailicedeNamedy wrote a review...

Hi Nicole136,

Mailice here with a short review! :D

First of all, I really like the title of the story. I just don't know why the story is here in the "Lyrics" category. It seems a bit out of place there.

I found the story very refreshing and I'm also very interested to see how the story about Krissa and Simon continues.

The chapters themselves seem a bit short and concise and could be expanded a bit more. Above all, I don't think it's even really necessary to insert this splitting, as it seems to me that the scene doesn't really change, but just goes deeper into the plot. Simple paragraph changes would have sufficed there.

Two things I noticed over the course of the four chapters:

1. the capitalisation is a bit bumpy and sometimes it's there and sometimes it's not. I would read over it again and eliminate these unnecessary mistakes. It seems to me that there is a problem with the keyboard. Also, the punctuation is sometimes a little off or out of place, giving the reader a little confusion as to what a sentence is trying to say.

2. your dialogues get lost in these paragraphs because everything is in one line. I would use a new line after each end of dialogue so that it looks clearer and you can also follow who is speaking. That way it seems a bit like a box that you have stuffed full of everything and can only find half of it. :D

These are the actual two main points that need to be improved otherwise the story looks already good.

"i am krissa robinson, and this is my brother simon robinson we are the makers of the news paper.

I would insert "publishers" here instead of "makers" because you don't make a newspaper, you publish it.

You have the ambition to present a very interesting story. I especially like the synergy between Krissa and Simon. The few humorous and sarcastic dialogues are well incorporated and give the two siblings distinct personalities. You also build up a good tension during the last chapter, as this photo is now the focus. Who is this person?

I wouldn't change anything about the title right now, because I like it very much, as I already mentioned. :D

Have fun with your writing!


Quillfeather says...

Thank you malice, your suggestions were very helpful. I will try to fix those mistakes you mentioned.

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6 Reviews

Points: 71
Reviews: 6

Wed Apr 07, 2021 9:41 pm
TrulyDeviousAngel wrote a review...

I think it's pretty good, but the chapters are a little short. I think that they could be a little longer, or you could combine them all and just make a few more chapters. That's really the only advice I can give for now, but other than that, it's really good! Keep up the good work!

Thank you for having an amazing story for me to read and have a good day,


Quillfeather says...

Hi, thank you for your feed back. I will try making longer chapters

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47 Reviews

Points: 1930
Reviews: 47

Wed Apr 07, 2021 6:21 pm
Quillfeather says...

so this is a story about a brother and sister who run a newspaper, in Bridgton, North Carolina (not a real place) and are very surprised when an FBI agent knocks on their door. tell me what you think, and I'm trying to find a better title, so if you can think of one, tell me. and thanks for reading this novel!

You can't blame the writer for what the characters say.
— Truman Capote