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Thoughts at Sunrise

by PrincessInk


I sprinkle my tears on a sundae,
its silkiness dipping into my sorrows;
as I sit by the window with a cup of
the sundae brimming with pensive thoughts.

I open the window for the dove called dawn 
to lick off the remainders of the ice cream
as the sun breathes joy into my cup ;
and I resolutely rise up to face the new day.


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Mon May 01, 2017 4:45 pm
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Audy wrote a review...



PrincessInk,

Apologize for the lateness! There is a beauty in the conceptualization of the freshness of ice cream, the coming of dawn, the pensiveness of the speaker- I feel as though a teen again anticipating each new day with joy and energy and excitement.

Some of my thoughts to be taken with a grain of salt regarding technical aspects. The first stanza does read a bit cluncky, as though a long/drawn out way of saying a thing when it could be condensed down to fewer words and written more poignantly. Does the third line of the poem really add anything?

My only other suggestion other than paring some of the lines down would be to strengthen some of the word choices, "sit" / "rise" / "open" having a bland effect I think in the overall conclusion.

But those are easy fixes. Cute, refreshing piece overall!

~ as akways, Audy




PrincessInk says...


Thanks for the review :D



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Fri Apr 21, 2017 10:36 pm
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Lumi wrote a review...



Uplifting. <3

On the surface, I really like the concept of the basic idea being that ice cream being an emotional aide in times of need. That's a concept that you don't get often in poetry, so I appreciate that. Beneath all that, we've got a sort of symbolism where the sundae is almost a chalice that needs to be full to evoke the miracle of joy in the end. So going through it, it's so well-balanced and beautiful and slowly-formed.

There's a lot to appreciate. The dove of dawn is very allegorical, I feel, and when it takes off the sadness-laden ice cream, the sun refills the cup with life anew, the energy needed to face the day. It's very pleasant.

My critiques would be that the flow is rather flat and predictable, while easy to follow, and doesn't really engage me or throw me off (entirely.) The concept is also a bit hodgepodge until reread or study, which can be a double-edged sword. It gives reread value, but it also gives a bit of head-scratching to the reader, ya feel?

I'd love to hear back from you. Maybe we can work on this in a poetry jam!

I hope these notes help!
Ty




PrincessInk says...


Thanks :)

The poetry jam sounds interesting, but I'd like more information about it?



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Fri Apr 21, 2017 9:55 pm
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BubblegumGoddess wrote a review...



Hey there PrincessInk! (Loving that username by the way)
I'd like to start off this review with my overall impression of this poem...I LOVED IT! It was short and sweet just like the words it was written with. Since this poem is short I figured I would just dissect each line.
"I sprinkle my tears on a sundae,"
So captivating! This line immediately had me hooked and more than ready to read more!

"its silkiness dipping into my sorrows;"
This is very descriptive. One thing I have to mention though is the use of dipping. Was it supposed to say 'dripping' instead? If it wan't supposed to be that, I think that dripping would work better with the whole sundae idea.

"as I sit by the window with a cup of"
I'm glad that you started adding the setting here, that way I could get a better idea of where this poem takes place (something that I always wonder about but rarely figure out in poems).

"the sundae brimming with pensive thoughts."
I found this line a little confusing in it's correlation to the line before it. The flow here was slightly messy and could use some cleaning up. Maybe instead of "with a cup of the sundae" you could try "as I sit by the window with my dish, the sundae brimming with pensive thoughts." Other than that I found 'brimming with pensive thoughts' to be an excellent way to end the sentence. It was so deep and I felt a connection to you because of that.

"I open the window for the dove called dawn" I fell in love with this line as it's own. The play on multiple "d" sounds made it fun to read.

"to lick off the remainders of the ice cream". I have nothing negative or positive to say about this line, to me it seemed to be a plain transition into the next line but, I don't think that it was a bad choice at all.

"as the sun breathes joy into my cup ;
and I resolutely rise up to face the new day." I found myself actually smiling when I read this. The last two lines gave me a sort of a happy ending (or in this case a happy end to a beginning). I think that this was a good choice and it gave an optimistic vibe to me.

Please contact me if you have any questions!
-BubblegumGoddess




PrincessInk says...


Thanks BubblegumGoddess :)



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Fri Apr 21, 2017 5:55 pm
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ILived wrote a review...



Hi PrincessInk,

I thought this idea was just amazing. The imagery is fabulous.

Seeing this is a short poem, I'll go line by line:

"I sprinkle my tears on a sundae"
A perfect start, more than enough to attract your reader. Onward!

"its silkiness dipping into my sorrows;"
I dont see how this connects to the previous line. It seems somehow detached. Probably the tears are until this point the main object and its natural for the reader to think that the "it" refers to that object. here, you're actually talking about the sundae, right?
Moreover, I dont understand what the line is trying to signify. Isn't your sorrow being portrayed as a sundae topped with tears. if so, then how can this misery itself dip into your sorrows...
As I write this, I'm coming to the thought that maybe the silkiness is really for the tears. In this case, its contradicting the previous line. When you say "spinkle" I imagine something small and hard, not silky...
Or maybe the sundae isn't really a portrayal of your misery. It would be better if it was though!
Like Elizabeth said below, the semicolon seems unnecessary.

"as I sit by the window with a cup of
the Sundae brimming with pensive thoughts"
The 'as' doesnt quite fit because the word is usually used to link two different things taking place simultaneously. Here, it's almost as if you are distancing yourself from m your tears, as if they are not your own. Actually, that's a pretty good thought and makes sense in this context. In this case, one small change for the first line--- "My tears sprinkle onto a sundae".
I would let go of the repeated 'cup of sundae' because this fact has already been established.
if you want to keep the 'sundae' part to emphasize on it's importance in the poem, I'd split it to three lines like:
I sit by the window
with a cup of the Sundae
brimming with pensive thoughts.
Maybe add a personal comment of disbelief, hatred, tire, at the overwhelming misery etc.
Instead of 'brimming', a word more in the sundae-vocab would have worked better.

"I open the window for the dove called dawn"
The 'dove called dawn' sounds awkward. I'd take the use of a metaphor or a simile in this case. Or maybe even drop the dove and use a single word description instead. Doves aren't usually seen licking and I cant relate with the comparison.

"To lick off the remainders of the ice cream"
Wait, 'remainders'...does that mean you've eaten the other part of your sorrow sundae?!?!?!?
I wouldn't do that! I'd feed it all to the dawn because the whole poem revolves around a new beginning and a way to let go of all you troubles to the past.
I think it would have been better to stick with sundae instead of change to 'ice-cream'

"as the sun breathes joy into my cup;"
I'd remove the 'as' and the semicolon. But the idea here is beautiful and I can picture it perfectly. It makes me smile. :)

"and I resolutely rise up to face another day."
A great last line. I can read the underlying gained courage of this narrator. I am happy for him/her.

Overall, a great poem which can be even better with just a few small changes in punctuation and wording. It's an idea to be proud of.

Keep writing! Never be afraid of the ideas you get!

~ ILived




PrincessInk says...


Thanks for the line-by-line critique. You need that for poetry <3



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Fri Apr 21, 2017 5:55 pm
mavisknightley wrote a review...



Hello PrincessInk,

This was a joy to read. It was sweet and simple, and offered excellent imagery. I got the sense that the ice cream gives sort of a novelty or ironic quality to the speaker's pensive sadness.


"I sprinkle my tears on a sundae,
its silkiness dipping into my sorrows;

Nice word play here!

I would replace the semi colon with a comma. Grammatically, semi colons signify the end of a thought, but here you continue to describe the scene.


"as I sit by the window with a cup of
the sundae brimming with pensive thoughts.

"I open the window for the dove called dawn


I'm not sure what "the dove called dawn" refers to beyond the literal morning. Does the morning bring the speaker peace?


"to lick off the remainders of the ice cream
as the sun breathes joy into my cup ;
and I resolutely rise up to face the new day."


Again, I would eliminate that semi colon and add a comma.

My only question, post reading, is what does the ice cream symbolize in this piece? My only gentle suggestion is to maybe make that a bit clearer. Beyond that, I really enjoyed this poem!

Thanks for sharing this piece, and hope to see more of your work here on YWS! If I can answer any questions, feel free to shoot me a PM.

Write On,
Mav

Mavis Knightley
www.mavisknightley.weebly.com




PrincessInk says...


Thanks Mav :)



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Fri Apr 21, 2017 4:30 pm
LadyLizzLovelace wrote a review...



Hey there PrincessInk and happy chocolate-covered cashews day. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

The imagery in your few poems that I've read has been very attractive and really what pulled me in to the whole thing. I like this current blend of figurative language and imagery you having going on to describe this certain event. I'm still not exactly sure what it is but it sounds sort of like just thinking about life and general sadness. This may be wrong and I'm not reading into these things as much as I usually do, I'm currently a bit distracted by the mention of ice cream.

Flow and Wording
-This is really the only thing that I'm going to be talking about because there are two big issues that I'd like to bring up, and they both fall under this category. The first comes at the second semi-colon, something that I'd like a bit of explanation on. To me it doesn't seem necessary and if I remember correctly, they're used to connect thoughts halfway in between strangers and related. They just don't look like a set of thoughts that need to be separated in that manner, especially since you're starting with 'and'. Maybe that's just the way I'm looking at it but just thought I should point it out.

as I sit by the window with a cup of
the sundae brimming with pensive thoughts.

-'the' in front of sundae just sounds a bit funky to me here, like it is either unnecessary in this case but at the same time something needs to replace it. What I mean is how they are certain lines that never fully link together and you need to decide how to join them. I don't really see a natural break in there anywhere and so I understand why you broke it like you did. Just when it's said aloud, it's not a normal order of words (or order in general) that I've ever heard. I'm guessing that it was to satisfy the length and overall scheme and formatting. The sound of the words themselves just trips me up a bit.

Alright I'm gonna head out now. Just remember one thing...
Image

Have a nice day.
Love,
Lizz




PrincessInk says...


Thanks Lizz :)




You cannot have a positive life and a negative mind.
— Joyce Meyer