Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Well this one was quite a dark piece right here. Very twisted and conveying a double edged sword of a message right. This is quite a heavy story that we have right here. For what it is it does in fact flow quite well and is pretty easy to understand for what it is. And the overall idea is...interesting to say the least.
Anyway let's get right to it,
The note was taped to the fridge when she got home from the club. The happy yellow paper a red herring, for it bore news of the worst kind.
I loved you, but I can’t keep playing this game, I am done with you.
- M
This is quite a nice place to start this off. Establishing a motive like this early on allows us to understand the character's actions quite nicely and it all works out well to understanding all of what happens after this.
She traced her hand along the edge of the paper, a chocking laugh escaping her throat before she ripped it off of the black lacquered surface, her nails digging into the palm of her hand around the bottle of Grey goose that she held. Not bothering to check the house she left the kitchen and entered her room, throwing the glass bottle on the bed as she marched to her closet. She threw the doors open and began to wrench clothes from their hangers looking for her most fierce outfit. She wanted trouble and she had a bottle of liquid courage to help her find it. The feel of metal and leather greeted her fingers and a knife thin smile turned her beautiful face into a mask of depravity. It took her less than five minutes to slip into the ornate costume of little more that what was necessary to cover her breasts and crotch. Her outfit was a one piece designed with bondage in mind, the top had a space for a leash to be fitted onto the collar the pieces held together at the waist with rings of metal and thin chains that bit into her skin each breath she took making them rub away more and more skin. She grabbed the matching boots from the bottom of her closet and slipped them on, the cold vinyl reaching her thighs. She left her long hair loose and walked out of her apartment, taking swigs of the Vodka as she went. Once out side she took a deep breath of the fetid air and called on her hell-raising friends for a night of fun.
That's a pretty nice description to set things up for what is going to happen but this is a rather large wall of text right here. This would do a lot better as two or maybe even three separate paragraphs rather than like this.
“All of it, and I want to find him and make him regret being born.” Her words were filled with acid fueled by the glee in her friend’s voice.
Well that certainly sounds quite ominous.
“No, I want to do this without toys.” She got there before Vylette, and waited for her friend, allowing thoughts of carnage and hate to run amuck in her mind.
That little conversation there sounded fairly realistic so that's a good thing.
“Screaming.” The request was simple and Vylette went to her job as the right hand of the Queen. A moment passed then screams filled the apartment; they lasted no longer than a heartbeat but it filled Christina with a dark excitement.
Well this definitely lets you know this story means business.
“You see, I learned recently from Vylette that I was royalty. She took me there, and at first it scared me, scared me so badly that I took to taking uppers to keep from dreaming and when I did sleep I would see this place, Bathory, and all of its terrors.” By this point Christina had gotten up and was gently running her nails across Matthias’ face. “The only problem was I couldn’t rule Bathory from my dreams, I actually had to go there and become, acquainted with the land, in a way be as Persephone. This land of nightmares was actually quite beautiful. Well beautiful in the way that evil is beautiful. Anyways, I learned during my stay there that I was actually a descendant of their first real queen, who named this nightmarish land after herself.” The look of pure disbelief of Matthias’ face made Christina laugh. Amanda had started backing away, her eyes wide with fear as Vylette stalked towards her.
That's a bit of an info dump right there just smack dab in the middle of it but since it does make relative amount of sense in conflict its okay but it does interrupt the tension of the scene a little and make the flow of the story a little choppy.
“N…no, no, no, please no.” Amanda was begging tears streaming from her eyes as urine seeped down her leg to stain the carpet a disgusting yellow color.
Well that is pretty realistic.
“Vylette, bring her to me. Hold him, make him watch, I am going to make him want to fight to save her.” Vylette pouted but did as she was asked, bringing the bloody, hysteric girl to Chris, throwing Amanda unceremoniously to the floor. Chris got up from Matthias as Vylette pulled him close to her body, a knife pressed ever so lightly against his groin,
This story is definitely doing a very god job of being horrifying.
“You simple dense man, I am doing this because you were not man enough to break up with me in person, you had to leave me a fucking note on smiley face paper taped to my to the fucking fridge for me to find when I got home. That’s why. I am going to make you man up for what you have done.” Vylette was stone still, her face impassive, only her eyes showed the joy she was getting from the show. “Now choose, either you end her life quickly or I make her beg to die.”
That is a pretty trivial reason so at this point I'm not sure who is supposed to be the bad one and who's the good one but that's not an issue.
“She has been begging for us to bring in fresh blood.” Christina turned to Amanda and stroked her cheek lovingly, “You are a very lucky girl. We are not going to kill you, I am going to cut off you hands and cut out your tongue instead okay. Don’t sit back cause you will choke to death, Vylette will take you to the hospital so you won’t die. Remember this though, if you tell anyone, cause I am sure there are ways to communicate, this knife will know you on biblical terms.” Amanda’s howls of pain filled the apartment, twined with the sick laughter of Chris and Vylette, while Matthias’ pleas were drowned out.
Definitely not a happy ending for the couple but then maybe that's a good thing. I'm not sure but as a horror story it is pretty good.
Aaand that's it for this one.
Overall: This was horrifying but pretty well written. It flows nicely and we get a decent sense of the emotions of our characters. The dialogue in it seems to be quite natural (as natural as it can be in a horrifying situation like this) and it was easy to understand what was going on. Overall great job with a nice little horror story.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
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Reviews: 4102
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