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by Plume

My soul has been fractured

Broken in half

My heart won’t stop bleeding

Impaled on its staff


My eyes give out water

My lungs give out screams

My brain, it gives sorrow

Flowing in streams


Tell me what you think

Of this horrible mess

Is this you? Is this me?

I’ll take your second guess. 

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Points: 200
Reviews: 0

Thu Mar 18, 2021 11:14 am
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Eraspo says...

That is beautiful, great job! I really liked the way you phrased the meaning into rhyme and the overall message is just so touching. Poetry is truly something unique and every poet should be encouraged to master his skills and continue writing. I hope you are feeling okey though as an individual. Depression can be something really hard, and no one should be feeling lonely or sad. If you need some kind of motivational support, you could visit this website https://lifestance.com/condition/add-adhd/. It really helped me in my darkest times, and they explain all symptoms and diagnosis very well.

Plume says...

thank you!!

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145 Reviews

Points: 11906
Reviews: 145

Wed Aug 26, 2020 2:38 pm
Valkyria wrote a review...

Hello! A review has been calling me and I'm here to answer it!

Let's start with the title. It's one word (an emotion) that's clear as day, but it's also a little vague. You can go anywhere when writing this poem, and you chose to write about feeling sad.

I found myself pleasantly surprised by how short it is. You managed to convey so much in so little stanzas.

I also commend your stylistic choices. I love rhymes! It feels natural. It's not tacked on for the sake of rhyming.

Spoiler! :
I have a bias for rhyming poems :)

The ending feels a little rushed. I read rather quickly, so when I read the last line, I stumbled a little. I think it would work well if a pause was indicated. It depends on what you think works when you write, so your style is entirely up to you. However, I think a pause would work, especially for fast readers.

Overall, this poem is amazing!

Plume says...

As a fast reader as well, I totally get what you mean. It sounds rushed to me, too. I'm just not exactly sure how to portray that pause in writing, if that makes sense. I'm so glad you enjoyed it!

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13 Reviews

Points: 257
Reviews: 13

Tue Aug 25, 2020 6:09 pm
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BurnblazeX wrote a review...

Heyo there! Let's see what I have in store for you now.

"My heart won’t stop bleeding
Impaled on its staff"

The word 'its' has been used here meaning that it's possessive but who owns this very sharp staff? The heart?
Also, a staff is usually blunt, even though it is quite metaphorical here.

"My brain, it gives sorrow
Flowing in streams"

The comma and the sudden use of it breaks the flow of the poem.

The ending could have been slightly better, usually when addressing the reader suddenly, it comes off as a bit strange. But other than that I think this is a quite good piece.


Plume says...

Thank you for your thoughts!

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91 Reviews

Points: 2400
Reviews: 91

Tue Aug 25, 2020 5:19 pm
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MoonIris wrote a review...

Hi silverquil12,
I'm here with a review. I saw the title of this poem and thought that it was very interesting. I must say that I was a little disappointed by it but I still loved your poem.
I couldn't really tell that it was about a panic attack although in the second one it was a little more clear. I still don't think that "Panic attack" would've been my first thought. The main focus of this poem seems to be around a broken heart and not that much on a panic attack. I am not an expert and there are probably many reasons why to get one but I don't think a broken heart could cause it. It's usually caused by a fear.
As well when you have a panic attack you don't necessarily scream.
"My lungs give out screams"
I haven't experience myself panic attacks but my mother did. Usually the person trembles and can have difficulty breathing. Crying can happen as well. If you add one of this two elements you can understand better that it's about a panic attack. Yet again I'm not an expert on panic attacks and everybody reacts differently. This is the reactions that I've seen around me. If you wrote this from personal experience I am sorry if I offended you in any way.
Now, about grammar. This is the only mistake that I could find and it is not very big. You don't necessarily need to change it.
"My eyes give out water

My lungs give out screams

My brain, it gives sorrow"
Here you start with "My" every time. Maybe you could replace one of this three.
I must say that I really liked this poem. I don't think that it represents the tittle very well but I still believe that it's very beautifully written. It has a lot of emotions and I really liked it.
I hope my review somehow helps you and doesn't offend you in any way. Have a great day,

Plume says...

I was writing this from personal experience, but I do agree with you. When I wrote the poem it didn't have a title and I was struggling to come up with one, and I was looking for something to sort of encapsulate the terrible feelings I associate with simultaneous anxiety attacks and depressive episodes, and panic attack was the best I could do. Thank you for your thoughts, though! They really helped!

MoonIris says...

I am really sorry you had to go threw this mixture of fellings. I hope you are better now. Don%u2019t forget to smile! :)

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Points: 0
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Tue Aug 25, 2020 5:07 pm
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DakotaMoon says...

Hey, Dakota here!

I just wanna say that i really really love this piece! It captures some of the most vulnerable parts of a panic attack, and i think its so beautifully written.

Especially the ending lines!! It leaves you hanging and thats what i love about it!

Such an amazing piece of work! Keep it up and i look forward to seeing more!

Plume says...

Thank you! I appreciate your thoughts.

A jury consists of twelve people who determine which client has the better lawyer.
— Robert Frost