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E - Everyone Language

EXPECTATIONS..... Chapter 1

by PHEONIX RISES


CHAPTER1

My name is Lia, I am an intern working for RC company. I am an hardworking person but till today I am unable to become an Apple of my seniors eyes because my interest lies in designing and not in sales department.I am into this job only because on some personal issues. Harry is my best friend we know eachother since kindergarden, I have been following him every possible place whether it was school or high school . I am not a stalker but he is my crush.He is talented person an amazing artist.I always feel he is hiding something from me but till today I am unable to unfold his secret, he leaves the office and rush to catch the bus going opposite direction. Till now my hopes are alive and still I am planning to confess my true feelings to him.

Again I wonder what will his expectation then I make my mind saying I have no guts besides there is nothing wrong in these as since my first day of internship I had more work compared to others as I never told them how cruel it is to me or even I never tried to object their acts. Finally it's time to leave but wait why I thought live is easy again my seniors and a colleague passed their work on me and I accepted.

It's 7pm I finished my work only task remaining is to print the documents so I went to the printer suddenly I heard a noise it was as if some one was opening the door. I went close in a low voice I asked who is there? there came no reply I put the flash in the direction the noise here I saw Dylan. Dylan is not like others is introvert person, he always stay with his work . None of us know who's family he belongs to. His only friend is Harry they enjoy being with eachother.

Dylan was shocked to see me there it looked for him as though I was for some other work ,I thought the same because he explained me he was here for a file which CEO asked him . CEO never contact anyone except for senior.Dylan and I left together. Before leaving he asked me if I am being bullied by someone, I nodded saying no because I already have loads of trouble and didn't wanted to invite more.Whole way we were talking to eachother getting to know how we actually are.


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1062 Reviews


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Thu Jan 07, 2021 6:24 pm
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Hmm....well this was an interesting first chapter. It introduced a couple of characters fairly well and there was a decent amount of backstory. There were a couple of problems with stuff here and there but I'll point those out down below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

My name is Lia, I am an intern working for RC company. I am an hardworking person but till today I am unable to become an Apple of my seniors eyes because my interest lies in designing and not in sales department.I am into this job only because on some personal issues. Harry is my best friend we know eachother since kindergarden, I have been following him every possible place whether it was school or high school . I am not a stalker but he is my crush.He is talented person an amazing artist.I always feel he is hiding something from me but till today I am unable to unfold his secret, he leaves the office and rush to catch the bus going opposite direction. Till now my hopes are alive and still I am planning to confess my true feelings to him.


Oh dear...well that certainly is quite the story to be packing into that single paragraph. It fels like its maybe a little bit too much information to be stuffing in there when you're talking about the history and then also about who the protagonist is. I think maybe those two things could at least be split into two paragraphs if not more.

Again I wonder what will his expectation then I make my mind saying I have no guts besides there is nothing wrong in these as since my first day of internship I had more work compared to others as I never told them how cruel it is to me or even I never tried to object their acts. Finally it's time to leave but wait why I thought live is easy again my seniors and a colleague passed their work on me and I accepted.


Hmm...well that sounds like a tough position to be in at work, although I am little hard pressed to see exactly how this connects to the earlier paragraph because it doesn't look to be all that connected to me at the moment. Or maybe I am not quite understanding.

It's 7pm I finished my work only task remaining is to print the documents so I went to the printer suddenly I heard a noise it was as if some one was opening the door. I went close in a low voice I asked who is there? there came no reply I put the flash in the direction the noise here I saw Dylan. Dylan is not like others is introvert person, he always stay with his work . None of us know who's family he belongs to. His only friend is Harry they enjoy being with eachother.


Hmm...okay now I think we're sort of getting towards the track that we're meant to be getting towards so that's good to see. Hmm...the introduction of Dylan feels a little bit like exposition though, its not terrible but it could certainly be better.

Dylan was shocked to see me there it looked for him as though I was for some other work ,I thought the same because he explained me he was here for a file which CEO asked him . CEO never contact anyone except for senior.Dylan and I left together. Before leaving he asked me if I am being bullied by someone, I nodded saying no because I already have loads of trouble and didn't wanted to invite more.Whole way we were talking to eachother getting to know how we actually are.


Hmm....well I suppose that is quite an interesting turn of events. Well its certainly a great place to end a chapter that's for sure, leaves us in quite a bit of suspense.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall I think this was a decent first chapter, its got room for some improvement but the idea seems to be pretty interesting and its fairly catchy too what with the bullying that our protagonist is enduring. Well anyway that's about all I have to say.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Thu Jan 07, 2021 2:37 pm
Ave38 wrote a review...



I like the description you had in the third paragraph.

My name is Lia, I am an intern working for RC company. I am an hardworking person but till today I am unable to become an Apple of my seniors eyes because my interest lies in designing and not in sales department.I am into this job only because on some personal issues. Harry is my best friend we know eachother since kindergarden, I have been following him every possible place whether it was school or high school . I am not a stalker but he is my crush.He is talented person an amazing artist.I always feel he is hiding something from me but till today I am unable to unfold his secret, he leaves the office and rush to catch the bus going opposite direction. Till now my hopes are alive and still I am planning to confess my true feelings to him.
This first paragraph was a lot to take in at once. I would suggest spreading it out, maybe even between multiple chapters.
Again I wonder what will his expectation then I make my mind saying I have no guts besides there is nothing wrong in these as since my first day of internship I had more work compared to others as I never told them how cruel it is to me or even I never tried to object their acts.
This sentence is a little bit of a run-on. I would suggest making it into multiple to make it easier to understand.
Finally it's time to leave but wait why I thought live is easy again my seniors and a colleague passed their work on me and I accepted.
I think 'live' was a typo, but I'm not completely sure what you meant in place of that.
It's 7pm I finished my work only task remaining is to print the documents so I went to the printer suddenly I heard a noise it was as if some one was opening the door. I went close in a low voice I asked who is there? there came no reply I put the flash in the direction the noise here I saw Dylan. Dylan is not like others is introvert person, he always stay with his work . None of us know who's family he belongs to. His only friend is Harry they enjoy being with each other.
This is also a lot of information crammed into one paragraph. It's hard for the reader to remember all of this at once.
A useful thing can be to show and not tell. An example would be showing Dylan hanging out with Harry instead of just saying that he and Harry are best friends. This helps make stories more engrossing.
Something that helps me is going back over what I've written before I publish it to catch small things like spelling and grammar errors. These are easy to make on the computer!
I look forwards to seeing more of this! Good luck writing!





He knew that elbow.
— soundofmind