Suitcases are very funny things I thought as I stared down at my own. People somehow manage to squeeze the contents of their lives into one boring little case. They assure themselves that this is temporary as they do it and only bring what they consider essential. This reveals their priorities, for example a professor I met on the tube once had a suitcase full of books and clothing. I asked her why she brought books and she told me it was because she loved to read. Then she frowned and realized she had forgotten to bring her toothbrush. I repeated this experiment with everyone I met that day and came to the conclusion that when people pack they place their passions over the essentials of life. I thought this was a beautiful thing until it came time for me to pack. Now I stood staring at my over packed suitcase wondering how on earth I was going to fit my clothing in with my books, sketchbook, and microscope slides. I had been considering this predicament for about twenty minutes when my traveling companion Evie arrived. After knocking twice she let herself in as usual and paused for a moment to fix her fiery red mane. Once satisfied she turned from her reflection and waltzed into my bedroom.
"Why aren't you ready?" She asked gesturing to the pile of folded clothes that lay on the ground near the case.
"I have neglected to pack a few essential items" I said slowly.
"A few!" She practically shouted "half your wardrobe is on the floor!" All I could do was nod and blush as she paced back and forth.
"Just let me pack it!" She exclaimed after glancing at her watch "we are going to miss our flight!" She complained as she organized the contents of my life. Somehow she managed to squeeze it all in and we were out the door and in a cab within five minutes.
"Thanks" I muttered awkwardly as she stared out the window.
"Why are you always making me late?" She teased,
"I don't know why are you always following me around?" I countered, she turned as red as the coat she was wearing and looked back to the glass.
"Are you complaining Chester? After all without me you would still be attempting to pack clothing." She giggled.
"That is true. I suppose you are right" I said with mock disappointment.
Rain drops began to patter down on the cab prompting people on the street to take out umbrellas. I smiled and tightened the striped scarf around my neck. Rain had always brought me pleasure. There was a feeling of freedom standing in the downpour, like the earth was giving me a gift and the universe was pouring out its secrets. Every drop was like magic. My companion felt the same way, as we got out of the cab she lifted her face to the sky and stuck out her tongue to catch the precipitation. I grinned and grabbed our cases after handing the driver some money. After a tedious trip through airport security we were finally settled on the plane.
"A trip to America! Are you excited?" Evie asked,
"Of course I am" I answered "I just wish it wasn't a ten hour flight." I added placing my headphones into my ears. Evie nodded and pulled out a book.
The next few hours went at an unbelievably slow pace. It felt like trying to make a snail do a backflip. Eventually my hyperactive brain required that I sleep and after that our journey went much faster than before. Before I could open my eyes we had landed in America. Evie informed me that a car would come to take us to a hotel. Part of the research program I thought as I slid into a black van full of cardboard boxes.
Evie glared at me over her thick glasses. "Don't even think about it" she hissed.
"What! I wasn't going to do anything!" I said defensively. Laughing Evie slid the box into the back of the van before I could get a good look at the contents. I pouted and stared out the window at the unfamiliar country before me. Florida was very warm that much I knew. However I was not aware that I would be in a cloud at all times. Stepping out of the van and into the hotel was like walking through a sauna. Evie's glasses fogged up and she scowled at them while she walked. I bid Evie farewell and collapsed on my bed. The last thought I had before passing out was that I was never going to be able to get my stuff back into my suitcase in the morning.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
Greetings. Holographic Ladybug here for a review.
It might be just me, but your first paragraph seems a little bulky. Paragraphs are usually supposed to switch to a new one when something like a change in time or subject happens. I feel like your paragraph contains a little too much. I suggest breaking it into two at "Now I stood staring at my over packed suitcase wondering how on..." because your character goes from explaining their experiment to their current predicament.
Evie here is in a rush and people who are in a rush typically talk faster or more in a rush, relying on contractions. In this case, "we are" bugs me a little. It makes her line sound more robotic than human. Just using "we are" will fix this, eliminating the robot problem.
I love this line because it brigs a lot of atmosphere into your story. It paints a great picture for the reader without forcing the setting onto us. Besides, it's really only a scene that we're just passing, so we don't really need a lot description of the area, one that we're probably not going to see again. Not to mention how it really sets us up for the rest of the paragraph...
I love this part because it really helps show off what Evie and Chester are like. They're two different people, but they have stuff in common. This paragraph doesn't only help bring out the magic of the scene and the area, but it gives us some pretty good indicators of what your characters are like. It's also well written. Every sentence just rolls off each other, flowing naturally with the paragraph as well as the narration. Keep it up.
I'm going to have to agree with Felistia down below me on how dangerous this is. Climbing into a van filled with boxes? That spells danger out for me. But the fact that nobody even pauses to think about how dangerous or the fact that they would even climb into a strange van voluntarily is just baffling. I like your characters and all, but I can't picture anyone ever doing that, much less two people at the same time. Surely one would warn the others of how dangerous this is?
"Part of the research program"? What? What kind of research program puts two people into a strange van? There has to be more of a reasonable excuse for this.
Overall, this chapter was a fairly good work. I love your narrator's natural flow, as well as everything else I've mentioned. If you have any questions, let me know.
Stay awesome and I wish you well with your novel.
~Holographic Ladybug
Hi, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
Okay so I just wanted to point out that this could have been potentially dangerous. A black van isn't really a car. How did they know that it was the right car. Did they meet someone they knew. I don't know. I'm just saying that getting into a black van driven by someone they don't know and in a country that they don't know, is a risky idea.Nit-picks
Grammar and Punctuation
Okay so there weren't any major problems with grammar and punctuation, it was mostly the need for a comma or a full stop here and there. A quick read through should bring out these mistakes.
Overall thoughts
Chapter plot: Okay so this was quite an interesting start to a story. You should a lot of characteristics and provoked me to a lot of questions. Like why are they going to America? Anyway I look forward to seeing how things go for them.
Characters: Your characters showed of a lot of their character in this chapter and I already feel like I'm getting to know them. The part about how people pack suitcases was a great way to start the story. You showed off some character and ironic humor while gently placing me into the story. These girls seem to be quite close friends and I loved the little battle of tongues they had in the car on the way to the airport.
Description: Your description was also pretty good. My favorite had to be the rain drops and the fierce red mane. While these where great visuals, they also showed character. The only problem I had was that you didn't really take the time to introduce the other four senses; sound, smell, touch and taste. What did the airplane sound like? Didn't the rumble of the engine keep the girls awake? And what did the rain drops feel like? Where they warm summer rain or freezing winter drops? Just drop these senses in a few places through out the chapter. It will make a big difference.
Overall this was a great chapter and I look forward to the next one. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.