z

Young Writers Society


18+ Mature Content

The Forgotten Ch. 2

by Omni


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for mature content.

The shadow man stealthed through the makeshift tents under the cover of intense winds and sand. What looked like shadows were actually just folds of black cloaks that flowed with the wind, revealing a skinny form under intense faded bandages that covered most of his chest and arms. What wasn't covered on his skin revealed instead deep scars that collected dust and sand as he trekked out of the isolated oasis the clan was calling their resting place for now. It was a secluded place that hid in between large sand dunes to the east and a few lone mountains to the west that separated this small desert from its neighboring forest.

The shadow of a man wasn't concerned with the constant sands, as it provided cover for him, and it constantly buffeted him, it reminded him that he felt something, that he needed to feel something.

Screams split through the sands. They found the body. Only a few would know of what happened in that tent, and only one would know the truth. He only hoped that Clansman would live the rest of his life with no demons in his dreams. The demon-ridden would most likely be given a proper burial from his people, something to respect and honor him in the transition to their version of the afterlife. It was unfortunate that they would never realize he had been forever tainted with a minor demon. He would never see the afterlife, or any life now.

It was better, though, for them to remember him how they wanted to instead of how he actually was. It would be a monument to how he used to be, before he allowed an opening to something sinister.

The roar of the winds blotted out the screams and allowed the shadow man to move on without a hitch. His steps in the sands quickly disappeared under the immense amount of sand shifting in the high winds. No one would be able to trace him, even if they saw him leave the settlement. He was a ghost, even to the man who survived encountering him. He was a shadow, a skeleton in a closet long forgotten, and he wished to stay that way.

And so he traveled the excruciating journey west. It took many days. He only rested as the sun rose and as the sun set, only for a few minutes each time, and never slept. Every time he closed his eyes, he dreamt of the same thing that terrified him until he awoke, and every time he awoke, he could never remember what had so terrified him in his subconscious. And so he packed up what measly belongings he had, cleaned and polished his swords,and set back on his path. He was careful to trek alongside the dunes and around the increasingly large rocks that jutted from the sand. Once or twice he would see a patch of quicksand, but his shoes displaced his weight enough that they weren't a problem, even if they did slow him down. This schedule lasted for five suns and four nights until, on the eve of the fifth night, the sand mellowed out into rocky plateau which arched high into the sky in the form of three mountains. The Lone Mountains. These were what separated the infamous Forest of Tooth and Claw and the desert that cradled Draconis mountain.

He stashed his widened shoes into a small rucksack and sat down at the mouth of the largest mountain, crossing his feet and staring upwards. As he massaged his feet and fixed the bandages, his eyes scaled the full height of the mountain. He twitched as he felt something different on his right foot. Unwrapping the bandages revealed a thin, long piece of black glass embedded in the sole of his foot. He pulled out a crimson knife and jabbed into his own skin, digging around until he felt (something, anything) the end of the glass. Pulling out his knife, he then went in with his long, blackened nails and wrenched the glass to one side. It gushed out blood from the opening, but it was still embedded too deep for him to pull it out. So he wrenched it to the other side, and more blood poured forth, this blackened with infection. He used the blood to his advantage and let it loosen the glass before he wrestled it out. Blood flowed down his sole and trickled onto the stone beneath, painting it crimson. He set the glass piece aside and wrapped his foot back up, adding a small piece of dark cloth from his rucksack to soak up the bleeding. Other than that, he had nothing to aid himself, so that would have to do.

He picked up the narrow piece of glass and held it up, inspecting it. Instead, he felt it inspect him as he saw the painted mask reflecting back at him, with his own blood dripping down like tears. The mask seemed to be staring into him, boring into his soul, what little soul he had left. It mocked him for having to hide his face, because he only seemed more human wearing the mask of a dead demon than with his own face. He couldn't even call it a face, anymore. It was something he could never bear to see again.

He growled. The mask laughed in response. His hand tense and shook with anger and pain of remembering. He let out a growl and stabbed his chest with the piece of glass. He punched it in, to make sure it embedded itself, to make sure it would never leave to reveal his true self. He recoiled with dizziness, and fished out another worn bandage to cover his newest wound.

It would not be his last.

He adorned his climbing shoes and scaled the mountain. About halfway to the top, he reached a nook that led into a small level section. An old, crumbling circle of rocks held dust and ash from the last time he was there. He dumped his rucksack on the floor near the entrance and fished out the half-broken mask that he had once adorned. He tossed it to a makeshift stone table that was alit by a floating Runic Stone. It didn't hit the table, it didn't bounce, it floated. There, as it did, the mask mended itself, briefly shimmering a shadow of the past Fiend who became that mask, before it stashed itself on the wall, alongside several rows of dozens of others. In total, it could have been in the hundreds, but he never counted. That number never mattered.

The only one that mattered was the next one.


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Tue Sep 08, 2020 12:06 am
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Shady wrote a review...



Heya Omni,

Shady back again for another review this lovely evening on the last day of the first week of RevMo! I don't have specific feedback on this chapter, so I'll give my general impressions instead.

My first reaction was I liked this chapter a lot more than the first one, tbh. I feel like we are starting to get enough backstory for this to make more sense. I like the glimpse of personality that we get for this person.

However, I'm still very confused about... who? he is? Like, what's a shadow man? He doesn't really seem human, but I know you told Tuck she couldn't use it as her non-human POV, so...what is he? A zombie? Demon? I don't really understand.

I also don't understand the part about the glass and mask. I was really into the story up to that part, but that just really confused me and I still don't quite know what to make of it all. I would appreciate a bit more explanation there.

Nice cliffhanger, though! I definitely want to know what the "next one" is going to be and why it's so important! I swear you better not abandon this novel here >:c

I am enjoying your story so far! Definitely let me know when you post more of this.

~Shady

Please enjoy @LittleLee's amazing original banner they submitted to the Banner Contest!

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Omni says...


Thank you Shady for the review! I'm glad you liked this more than the first chapter :D

Regarding the mask, it bleeds between reality and non-reality because the mask is more important to this character than just a mask, and maybe they're humanizing it a bit. I think that the description and wording could have made it clearer, though.

Don't worry, I won't be abandoning this story! I'm just focusing on reviewing at the moment haha, but I hope you'll continue reading when (or if) I post more chapters :D



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Thu Sep 03, 2020 10:48 am
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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: Well this story is coming along really nicely. I definitely like the direction this appears to be headed in. It's definitely very interesting to see how its shaping up with this shadow man as the protagonist. I think I will be following this in the future chapters.

Anyway let's get right to it,

The shadow man stealthed through the makeshift tents under the cover of intense winds and sand. What looked like shadows were actually just folds of black cloaks that flowed with the wind, revealing a skinny form under intense faded bandages that covered most of his chest and arms. What wasn't covered on his skin revealed instead deep scars that collected dust and sand as he trekked out of the isolated oasis the clan was calling their resting place for now. It was a secluded place that hid in between large sand dunes to the east and a few lone mountains to the west that separated this small desert from its neighboring forest.


Starting off with some more awesome descriptions. Very nice touch there. And also our shadow man seems to be someone who's suffered a pretty rough time. Interesting to see what the backstory is like on that guy.

Screams split through the sands. They found the body. Only a few would know of what happened in that tent, and only one would know the truth. He only hoped that Clansman would live the rest of his life with no demons in his dreams. The demon-ridden would most likely be given a proper burial from his people, something to respect and honor him in the transition to their version of the afterlife. It was unfortunate that they would never realize he had been forever tainted with a minor demon. He would never see the afterlife, or any life now.


Well that explains a lot. Hmm...perhaps that demon wasn't that big of a deal but it does look like shadow man is in fact the important one which is nice.

The roar of the winds blotted out the screams and allowed the shadow man to move on without a hitch. His steps in the sands quickly disappeared under the immense amount of sand shifting in the high winds. No one would be able to trace him, even if they saw him leave the settlement. He was a ghost, even to the man who survived encountering him. He was a shadow, a skeleton in a closet long forgotten, and he wished to stay that way.


Well that is quite a lot of titles for that man and I really like it. It gives him a very high awesomeness factor.

He stashed his widened shoes into a small rucksack and sat down at the mouth of the largest mountain, crossing his feet and staring upwards. As he massaged his feet and fixed the bandages, his eyes scaled the full height of the mountain. He twitched as he felt something different on his right foot. Unwrapping the bandages revealed a thin, long piece of black glass embedded in the sole of his foot. He pulled out a crimson knife and jabbed into his own skin, digging around until he felt (something, anything) the end of the glass. Pulling out his knife, he then went in with his long, blackened nails and wrenched the glass to one side. It gushed out blood from the opening, but it was still embedded too deep for him to pull it out. So he wrenched it to the other side, and more blood poured forth, this blackened with infection. He used the blood to his advantage and let it loosen the glass before he wrestled it out. Blood flowed down his sole and trickled onto the stone beneath, painting it crimson. He set the glass piece aside and wrapped his foot back up, adding a small piece of dark cloth from his rucksack to soak up the bleeding. Other than that, he had nothing to aid himself, so that would have to do.


Oof that's a massive paragraph and the worst part is there doesn't seem to be a good place where it could split in two so it might be unavoidable.

That's a brutal technique that you've described there, certainly adding a lot to the characterization of this dude which is nice.

He picked up the narrow piece of glass and held it up, inspecting it. Instead, he felt it inspect him as he saw the painted mask reflecting back at him, with his own blood dripping down like tears. The mask seemed to be staring into him, boring into his soul, what little soul he had left. It mocked him for having to hide his face, because he only seemed more human wearing the mask of a dead demon than with his own face. He couldn't even call it a face, anymore. It was something he could never bear to see again.


This guy definitely seems to have a really interesting backstory with that revelation there. Now I have to try and theorize what this whole face being worse than a demon's is about.

He growled. The mask laughed in response. His hand tense and shook with anger and pain of remembering. He let out a growl and stabbed his chest with the piece of glass. He punched it in, to make sure it embedded itself, to make sure it would never leave to reveal his true self. He recoiled with dizziness, and fished out another worn bandage to cover his newest wound.


Well that sounds like a very painful procedure to be doing on oneself but I guess this person is clearly not your average human.

The only one that mattered was the next one.


Ooooh that is hinting at some very interesting directions that this story might take definitely has me hooked by this point.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall it was a good followup to the other scene. We learn more about our protagonist and we also find out how the first fight relates to the story and that's good to see. We're given a few more mysterious titbits and those do a good job keeping a reader interested so on the whole its pretty good.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

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Omni says...


This is a bit late, but thank you for the review! I'm glad you're liking the story so far :D it's definitely different than what I normally write, so I'm really just experimenting with the descriptions and everything at the moment. I hope you'll continue reading!! :D



KateHardy says...


You'r Welcome!!
Ahh..I definitely intend to continue reading!



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Tue Sep 01, 2020 5:30 pm
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Atticus wrote a review...



Hey Omni! I hope you feel honored, you're my first review of RevMo!

Not sure if this was intentional, but I'm getting strong Darth Vader vibes from your protagonist. You've done an excellent job of creating a unique story with a protagonist that behaves in unexpectedly dark ways. The casual use of violence and gore really drives home the psychological instability of this figure, and I feel that I better understand why the figure behaved with such a sudden outburst.

That being said, I would like to see some more of the character's backstory. I fully understand the desire to have a secretive figure, but I felt you erred too far on the side of secrecy. You spent a majority of this chapter describing the travels of this shadowy figure, and while there's nothing inherently wrong with that, it was hard for me to be interested and emotionally invested in that part because I don't have a reason to like your shadowy figure. I know nothing about who he is, why he does what he does, the trauma he's experienced to make him feel like this. While you obviously don't have to spell out his entire backstory right now, some more lines that show some level of humanity so the reader can connect with him may be beneficial to you.

He growled. The mask laughed in response.

This section confused me slightly. I had the impression that the figure was wearing a mask to cover his face, but this section made it seem as if the figure and the mask operated independently and differently. Does the mask just distort his growl, or is this a figure of speech, or is the mask actually an independent being? Some clarification here would be very appreciated ^^

I think that's all I have for you for this chapter! Overall, the strange protagonist and unpredictable behavior made this intriguing, and besides the question I have for you about that one quote and the possibility of humanizing the protagonist just a touch more so the reader can better connect with him, this was a fantastically done second chapter. You accomplished an impressive amount of world-building and character development without any info-dumping, so color me impressed xD. As always, feel free to reach out with any questions. See you around!

Best,
Tuck




Omni says...


Thank you Tuck for the review!! :D

As for the lack of backstory with this character, I believe the next chapter will delve into this character's backstory a bit more, but I do kind of want this character to not really understand their own backstory, so we figure it out as they do in the next few chapters.

Regarding the mask, it was basically a lot not being able to tell reality from not reality in cases. The mask is definitely something more than a mask for this character. I hope you'll join me for the next chapter :D



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Thu Aug 27, 2020 8:17 pm
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Lezuli wrote a review...



Hello! I'm Lezuli and I commented on your last chapter of this. And I must say, this one was even better. Your description of the shadowed man was amazing, I really felt for him.
As for my critiques, I just have a few things I noticed.
#1: "The shadow of a man wasn't concerned with the constant sands, as it provided cover for him, and it constantly buffeted him, it reminded him that he felt something, that he needed to feel something." This is a run-on sentence, so adding a few periods would fix it. Maybe something like this- 'The shadow of a man wasn't concerned with the constant sands, as it provided cover for him. And it constantly buffeted him, it reminded him that he something. that he needed to feel something.'
#2: "His hand tense and shook with anger and pain of remembering." 'Tense' here should be 'tensed', to fit with the past-tense way you wrote this. Also, adding the word 'the' before 'anger' might make the sentence flow better. Though that isn't necessary.
And that's all I noticed. I hope this helped you!




Omni says...


This is a bit late but thank you for the review!! :D



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Overwatchful wrote a review...



Hello, Stormblessed here!

Wow. I am amazed at this story. It's well written and I can't wait to see where it goes! I really like this "shadow of a man."
There really isn't much that I could find to correct, so here you go.

The shadow man stealthed

Stealthed isn't a word. Stealthing is, but it is not an appropriate word here. (look it up)
Try "stalked" or "prowled."

He growled. The mask laughed in response. His hand tense and shook with anger and pain of remembering. He let out a growl and stabbed his chest with the piece of glass.

Try inserting "another" before the second growl. Otherwise it feels redundant.

That's all that I could find. This was an amazing story. You convey a lot of emotion from this "shadow." He definitely has a backstory, and I can't wait to hear it!

Hope this helped!
Stormblessed242




Omni says...


This is a bit late, but thank you for the review!

I agree, stealthed is definitely not the right word, sorry that you had to look that up o.o




Veni, vidi, scripsi ~ I came, I saw, I wrote
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