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love, commitment

by Olya Prepodobnaya


PART. II. GREED

Every time when I am visualizing you in my mind the number of sinful images that my head creates becomes enormous.

G-ive me a good reason to suppress my obsession of your halo and stop making up the pictures of the place where we could encounter. I know I am not there. I am not even near. However it might be even better.

R-hythm of my heartbeat and pulse is getting rapid every moment I picture you being among other people who can see and hear you, slightly touch your hand, give you a smile and feel your scent. Inexplicable feeling of greediness gains the upper hand of mine whenever I hear inside your talk or laughter meant to be for others. Not for me.

E-ven if you seem to take no notice of all goddesses that are flying around you like colorful butterflies putting their charming spells on you being polite and friendly I will still be greedy. Greedy for your glances, reflections on your face and all gestures and postures of yours.

E-verything falls apart when I am not able to take control of this destructive feeling that I am so fully plunged in. I wish I would not have to share you with the waitress offering you a cup of coffee or the boss sending you for the errands or anyone else. In your circle. In your place. In the whole world.

D-espair and greed do not bring happiness and comfort, I should admit. They only make me realize how imperfect I am. For you. For the world. For the Heavens. For myself.

So painful to realize that greediness is only the second vice in the list of my personal sins. Sins for the sake of yours.


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12 Reviews


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Wed Sep 04, 2019 10:00 pm
riotheselcouth wrote a review...



Hi Baby Olya, Good morning (': I'm Riothe Selcouth, pleasure to read the one of your masterpieces.But, am going to critique it.

Here, Olya I know, While you are writing this piece you have a strong inspiration. Me, as a your reader, I easily build up what we called rapport so that I understand you, the way how you feel the pain, and greediness.

I know, we have different perspectives when it comes of writing and expressing of emotions and feelings.

That's all.

I just want to say as a writer. Keep on writing, keep your pen's up. Spread your words and thoughts to all of us. Thank you.

—riothe selcouth 🍂




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Wed Sep 04, 2019 5:36 pm
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mellifera wrote a review...



Hey Olya Prepodobnaya! I was going back through some old works, and noticed yours didn't get the proper two reviews it deserved! So, consider this me hopping in for that second review :)

Every time when I am visualizing you in my mind the number of sinful images that my head creates becomes enormous.


"Enormous" is usually used for something really big, not for a multiplying situation, which I think you were going for here. I also think that "in my mind" is unnecessary, and I would replace it into the "that my head creates". So, perhaps "Every time when I am visualizing you, the number of sinful images my mind conjures multiplies in mass." I say the "in my mind part" is unnecessary, because where else is the author going to be visualising this person? In their feet?

Otherwise, I really like this as a hook! It's hard when you're writing short stories, and it becomes almost more vital than when you're writing a novel to capture a reader's attention immediately. You don't have long to capture their interest, and I think this as an opening line is strong!

However it might be even better.


You introduce this line, but then don't expand on it? Even better than what? You have such a beautiful paragraph before this line!
If mean to say that it's better that the author is nowhere near, focus and be more specific about it! "It is better I am not." Or something like that, that follows up the sentence before it and expands on it!

slightly touch your hand


You don't have to try to pad this sentence. In fact, it'd be much stronger if you removed slightly.

feel your scent.


You can't really feel someone's scent. "give you a smile and inhale your scent" would probably work better here.

whenever I hear inside your talk


I'm... not sure I know what this sentence is trying to get across? Inside their talk?

or anyone else


After the vivid descriptions of the other people the author mentions, "anyone else" feels like it's tacked on because you couldn't think of anything else. I would, instead, separate it or remove it.
"I wish I would not have to share you with the waitress offering you a cup of coffee, or the boss sending you on errands. I wish I would not have to share you with anyone else."

They only make me realize how imperfect I am. For you. For the world. For the Heavens. For myself.


Ahh okay, I adore this line <3


This is more of a stylistic choice, but I don't know how into the dashes after the first letter of every paragraph I am? While I love that you spell out Greed in that way, I think you could get rid of the dashes without losing the effect! And if you want emphasis on this letters, I would go for bolding them instead. Again, a stylistic choice, and completely up to you!


Overall, this is a beautifully written and pretty chilling. The idea of someone obsessing over another person like this is Spooky, so kudos to you for making me a bit uncomfortable! :D


That's all I have for today! Great job, thank you for sharing!

I hope you have a wonderful day, and Happy RevMo!

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Sun Dec 20, 2009 1:14 am
Incognito wrote a review...



Hello Olya Prepodobnaya!
I am Incognito, and I am going to take a gander at your lovely piece.
I hope you don't mind.

I haven't read the first part in this, so I hope you don't mind if I interpret it the wrong way, but I think I see where you are trying to get with it. First off, I would like to say, I was very intrigued with this piece, that was for certain. I seem to connect with it on an emotional level.

My first comment is on your first line:

Every time when I am visualizing you in my mind the number[b/b] of sinful images that [b]my head creates becomes enormous.

~This line is a great first line because it gets the readers attention right away and wants them to read more. It is like the hook when you go fishing. As soon as I read that line, I know I was going to finish the piece because I wanted to read more, though there is a few things off about this sentence. Right now it may seem that I bolded random parts of the sentence, when actually it will all piece together eventually.
~With this line, I believe that you should rephrase it in some way to make it make more sense and more appealing to the reader. It works perfectly fine, but when I read it, something about it doesn't settle right. Maybe you could add a comma in some places. Something to give this sentence order and understanding. At the moment it makes the readers have to reread the sentence. It may also be because of the sections that I bolded. I bolded visualizing because if you change that work, you may be able to get a better image in the readers mind. Visualizing is a good word, but in this case, I believe a word like 'imagining' or 'fantasizing' would help give the reader the impression that they aren't actually being forced to visualize the person, rather that they find themselves in a dreamworld, they are fantasizing about this person.
~I also don't like your choice of wording with 'number'. It again seems like the main character is forced. It seems like the main character is counting the images. I know the MC is imagining sinful images. It just seems forced, and not like the person is succumbing to a dream-like haze, even if the haze is sinful. You should also give the reader a feeling of pleasure, that the MC likes to dream about this person, to see these sinful images and that is what makes them sinful. Sin is a temptation to do what is wrong, so there would be reluctance if the character has any morals.
~I don't like how you used 'my head creates'. I believe you used 'head' because you don't want the word 'mind' to become redundant, but the thing is, head is a physical thing. And when you say 'my head creates' you think of something actually physically being made by the head, like a hole in the wall if you hit your head at it hard enough. You could change it to mind, or rephrase the sentence, and change it so the word 'mind' doesn't become to redundant.
~The last word I have a problem with is your choice in 'enormous'. 'Enormous' for me means that there is a growth in size, like something is huge, when you are actually saying that the images are increasing in number rather then growing in size. I would change the word to something that suits it better, and doesn't seem so forced.

Now because I commented on all that, and it may be a bit confusing, I will give you an example of a sentence, or a model so that you can kind of see where I am getting from.
'I find my mind wandering, always bringing me back to fantasies of you. But the fantasies and images are sinful, things that I should not visualize, things that I should not want to see, yet I do. And as I linger in this frame of thought, the fantasies and images swell in number, encompassing me in sin.'

Now, I thought you were very creative in writing your story in the way of an acrostic poem spelling out greed. It is something very meaningful and interesting making your story very different. You don't need to change it, but I believe that you should remove the dash from after the first letters so that it is a sentence, but it only just starts with the letter, and you could see if your readers would catch onto the deeper meaning. It is obvious that your story is about greed and selfishness based on the content, you don't necessarily have to have the word emphasized. Though it is what makes yours story creative and different, so you don't have to change it at all.

Now your section for 'G' is kind of confusing for me.
G-ive me a good reason to suppress my obsession of your halo and stop making up the pictures of the place where we could encounter. I know I am not there. I am not even near. [/b]However it might be even better.[/b]

~This is my least favourite letter of all of them just because I couldn't get a clear understanding of what you were trying to get at. I bolded a few things that seemed to have different meanings so that you would get the impression of how confusing it would be to the actual reader.
~The first bolded area is about the obsession of the halo. That makes it seem that the person is infatuated with how good this person is, and how the MC wants to be around this person but they are searching for a reason to stay away from them as if they are tainted because of their sin. Though that seems to me that the person is being selfless rather than greedy. They are trying to help this person by staying away from them, but it wasn't working. I think you should play on those emotions more.
~Now the part after that loses me. To me it seems that the MC is trying to figure out places just so that they can see the person in different places, that they are working around their own schedules to see and meet this person. I highlighted 'making up' because it is a term that I don't really like in this piece persay. I would recommend you changing it to something like 'creating places' or something along the lines to also appeal to the reader and help them understand more.
~I highlighted 'place' because I think it would sound better as 'places'. Now with this whole sentence it is confusing because it jumps. It is saying how the MC has an infatuation with this person and that they are trying to find a way to stop that, but they are also trying to stop creating places to see this person that they know they should be with. It is not that greedy. They are not harming people or putting people at risk for something they want. I would think that they are kind of being nice because they don't want to bar this person's innocence as represented by the halo. I would think that you should add a few things in there to make it seem like the MC is doing everything so that that it would only be them with the angel. Just make it more tainted, and less selfless.
~Though it is the last piece that I bolded which throws off the whole entire thing, let I like it because it is my favourite line in this section. It is saying the the MC can't be near this person. They create the places, but it seems that they can't actually go. To me, because you referenced to the halo that the person was dead and that they were heaven, yet the MC couldn't get their because their life was full of sin. I like that because it has conflict and dimension. It is impacting. Though it doesn't fit in with the rest of the story. I think you should make sure that you have a set plot and that it is known to the reader.

That section, because I am too confused about it, I won't be able to give you an example of what I am trying to say. Hopefully, I was clear enough.

Okay, the next part is my favourite, because I can connect with it, but there is a few questionable things about it. Because it is large enough, I will just break it down accordingly.
R-hythm of my heartbeat and pulse is getting rapid every moment I picture you being among other people who can see and hear you, slightly touch your hand, give you a smile and feel your scent.

I like this because I have felt that too, because I am quite the greedy person. I am getting the feeling that the person is getting envious, they don't want other people around this person, that this person can only be theirs. It makes it quite impacting. Though, you need to rephrase a bit to make sure that it makes sense to the reader. Here is what I want you to rephrase it along the lines of:
'Rhythm of my heartbeat quickens every moment I think of you being among other people, people who can see and hear you. People who can slightly touch your hand, who can smile at you, who can even smell your refreshing scent.'
It makes more sense, rather than what you have. It prevents confusion and gets the point quite clearly across. This also the chance where you can get some good description of the person if you really feel like it. You are playing off the senses, so you can play off the appearance of this angelic person. Give the MC a reason to want this person to themselves. Is it beauty? Is it personality? Make sure we understand.
Inexplicable feeling of greediness gains the upper hand of mine whenever I hear inside your talk or laughter meant to be for others. Not for me.

I like this, indeed. It really helps get the feeling of greediness and not wanting to give this person up to others. I bolded 'of mine' because it should actually be 'over me' to make it make more sense. You might also want to add a piece in there how the MC tries to fight the greediness, but the greediness wins. I don't understand the whole 'I hear inside your talk'. Is the MC like psychic or something? Because I am under the impression that she is not, I would change it. I think you should make the MC actually hear the person talking to others, to hear the person laughing for the others. I really do like the 'not for me'. It is very impacting.

So for that last bit, I would try to change it to something like;
'Inexplicable feeling of greediness gains the upper hand over me whenever I hear you talking to them, I hear you laughing. Your laughter is meant for others. Not for me.'

Okay, and on with the next letter:
E-ven if you seem to take no notice of all goddesses that are flying around you like colorful butterflies putting their charming spells on you being polite and friendly I will still be greedy. Greedy for your glances, reflections on your face and all gestures and postures of yours.

~I love your imagery in that first part with the 'goddesses' and 'colourful butterflies' thought I am not sure what you are trying to get at. I am under the impression that the person is a boy and the goddesses are all these other beautiful girls who flirt with him, who cling off of him, who want to be with him as much as the MC wants it. Though that is very confusing in this part because you have to dig for it. Be more direct, but I hope you can find a way to keep that imagery. It makes me smile innerly inside.
~You need a lot of commas and new sentences in this. I will give you an example of what I want you to do with that after I finish the rest.
~I also don't see how 'postures' can mean anything because it is not something important. It is how they stand. I think the greediness would be for the attention, the love, the beauty of this person. I think you could make it so tainted and bittersweet if you can get that across.
~I also think that you should compare the other girls to the MC, make the MC not think much of herself, make the MC not feel worthy, and yet she still wants to be with him, to have him all to herself.

Here is my example of what I kind of want you to do:
'Even if you seem to take no notice of the girls around you, the girls that seem like goddesses compared to me, I still want you. They fly around you like coloured butterflies, casting their charms and spells on you, being polite and friendly. I am still greedy. I am greedy for your glances, I want to hear the velvet sound of your voice. I want to see your gestures, I want to have your presence beside me. I am greedy for you.'

I love how you change into the consequences of the greed in the next area which makes it incredibly impacting. There is a few things that you need to fix up though I believe you make it an even more pleasant read:
E-verything falls apart when I am not able to take control of this destructive feeling that I am so fully plunged in. I wish I would not have to share you with the waitress offering you a cup of coffee or the boss sending you for the errands or anyone else. In your circle. In your place. In the whole world.

~I love the first sentence, I absolutely do. I would not change it for the world. It makes you feel how the MC wants to change, but they can't. I love it, and I love how you can reflect the emotion in your writing so easily.
~You have to be careful with the second sentence because you need commas to make it make sense and you are missing a few necessary words. You will see what I mean when I give you my example of how you can change it to make it easier to understand.
~The only thing I bolded was the last line. It makes no sense with the rest of the part. I think if you added a few words you might be able to make it better and even more impacting, though I love the idea. You just keep getting better and better.

Here is how I would change it to, but remember it is only a model"
'Everything falls apart when I am unable to gain control over this destructive feeling that I am so fully plunged in. I wish I would not have to share you with the waitress serving you coffee, or with your boss before he sends you on an errand, or with anyone for that matter. I want to be the only one in your circle, I want to be the only one to see your place, I want to be the only one in your world.'

The next letter is short and sweet and I think it probably has a lot of the meaning behind it. It is trying to get across that the MC doesn't want to live in despair and greed. That it is making her imperfect. Though I find you loose a lot of the feeling of the greediness of the person. I think you could even make the MC upset that being imperfect is pushing her even farther and farther away from him because he deserves perfection.
For you. For the world. For the Heavens. For myself.

This is the only part that make no sense in that part. I like it though, it would be very impacting if used right. Right now it is just there. I would try to get something on the lines of: 'This greed is making me betray you, making me betray the world, making me betray the Heavens. This greed is making me betray myself.'

The last line, I like because it proves that there is going to be more. I like the first part, though the second one, I believe you can make it more impacting. Right now it is making it seen that the MC is sinning for the boys sins, but that is not the impression I got in the beginning. I believe you could change it to something that would make the reader be lost. Try something like: 'My personal sins that are being made, because I love you.'
That might not be what you are trying to go for, like love, but that is what I got from it. It seems that the MC is in love, but the love is causing them to go in the wrong direction.

This ways an awesome piece. The only other thing I want you to watch out for is your use of the words 'greediness' and 'greed'. They were fairly redundant, though I know those were the words that were the base of your story. I would just pull out a thesaurus and find words that mean the same thing just to replace some of the other ones to reduce the repetition.

Amazing piece and very creative. I would love you read more of your work.
~Incognito





Stupid risks make life worth living.
— Homer Simpson