Shape Sisters - 1 - Reunion

Love it!

Hey! ChocolateCello here!

This was definitely and interesting start but I'd like to talk about emotions here. I'm not the best when it comes to writing emotions but I still might be able to give some editing advice.

I feel like Joni changed how she felt very rapidly and the speaker didn't reflect on that enough. Joni first sees hunter and seems very excited

"Where have you been? What are you doing now? Where are you living?"

Then, the hunter shows that they're not here to chat, sitting Joni down for a serious talk. Of course, Joni is going to lose that excitement, which you showed very well.

"Joni nodded slowly, wringing a bar cloth in her hands"

I read this as Joni being a little nervous as to why Hunter was here talking to her in such a serious way which is good. Hunter explains and Joni very quickly becomes defensive.

"What? No. I’ve told you a million times, no! That’s not me. It will never be me. I’m not like you!"

This is where things feel off to me. Moments ago Joni was wringing the bar cloth nervously, now she's yelling. Sure, she might have a perfectly good reason to be mad, but people don't just change this suddenly. Maybe try something like

“What?' Joni said quietly, as if she wasn't sure if I was serious, "No. I’ve told you a million times, no!" She was getting louder, anger creeping into her voice, "That’s not me. It will never be me. I’m not like you!”

This example I've given you is poorly written but like I said, example. Add more detail into the dialogue, showing how the person sounds as they're emotions change and develop.

Hunter emotions came across a lot better but still not perfectly. There are lot of things like 'I shouted' or 'I took a deep breath'. Take into consideration that people can shout will joy or take a deep breath of relaxation. Just make it clear, ad detail. 'I shouted angrily' 'I took a deep breath, preparing myself' (Again, just some quick examples)

I really enjoyed this and if you post a second part, don't hesitate to let me know. I'm interested to know what happens.

Keep writing!
-ChocolateCello

So let's dive right in. This was very intriguing. you left the reader with twenty million questions and desperately want more. That, for me, is one of the more difficult things to do.

Let's start with the negatives and get it out of the way. I'm not liking Harriet/Hunter at all. Personal preference I know. But until I know what Joni did to make her so angry, I will not like Hunter. You generally want your main character or one of them to be easily relatable, especially in first person narrative. All I need to say is that her anger better be there for a very good purpose if I'm going to like her much. (Seems like it is there for good reason I just wanted to put that out there)

I also felt like it moved a bit quick for me. From the beginning to meeting Joni. I feel like it moved really fast. Once again, probably personal preference.

AND positives! I loved the way the two sisters are so different. Their character development is spot on and I see many ways they can evolve as the story progresses. That makes a reader super excited because we want to see where they're going.

That's all, really. I hope you found this at least a little insightful. I really love the story so far. Great job!

Oooh, this is one interesting story. Well done, OliveDreams! The drama and action in the story is exceptional. Seeing the conflict between the two sisters was fascinating, particularly the way that each rebukes the other. It's obvious that they both live entirely different lives, and it's fantastic to see the way that you communicate those differences so effectively, and use it as the foundation of the conflict. Harriet lives a dangerous, strange life, one that her sister doesn't prefer at all, and would rather not a be part of. And that brings me to my next point; I love the sense of mystery that you provide in this story. In particular, I enjoyed the beginning. I thought, at first, that the wording was a little odd when you described Harriet spying on her sister. However, when you made clear that Harriet was actually on the wall, I was stunned. It was a nice supernatural touch to this mysterious story, as was her stalking her sister persistently and the threat she made at the end. It left me curious, surprised, and captured my interest in the story. Nice job!

Lastly, I also liked the pace of the story. The chapter flowed exceptionally well. It was consistent in pace, and I loved how you found the perfect balance of details to accompany the flow. The details were not too much; for instance, I was not bored by reading paragraphs upon paragraphs of minor details. However, they weren't too little. I could envision the sibling's emotions, their outburst and conflict, and Harriet's final threat. I could see Harriet's anger, her feelings about her chatty, and who she sees as a neglectful and with feelings of superiority, sister, and her sister's bad feelings about her. In all, your balance of details and flow are great.

In conclusion, I loved this story. It was an interesting concept. I loved the sense of mystery that you provided, the various emotions that you communicated exceptionally well, and how you built your setting and your characters. I enjoyed reading it from start to finish, and I think that this is an idea that is definitely worth pursuing and developing. Great job, OliveDreams; this story is amazing! Well done!

Jeez Louise!! Sister on sister confrontations are ugly as can be (though many sibling on sibling confrontations are like that to begin with. Harriet/Hunter anger seems to come naturally, though partly from jealousy based on what I've read. She also seems to be a die-hard advocate for destiny and "true calling". Cut your sister a break, will you? I am interested in seeing where this leads. I also would like to see what the cause of Harriet/Hunter's angry preset is. Something that went down between the sisters years ago maybe? I also couldn't help but laugh at this line,

"Joni scoffed under her breath. I was livid. She always thought she was better than this life. Better than me."

That is just hysterical. Don't we all think that we are better than our siblings once in a while? All the time perhaps?

Okay, some critical insight. Whenever you put down something like "Mm-hmm" you should include the dash. Also since this is told in a novel-like manner, you shouldn't put a ! with a ?. That is more appropriate for comics because it is the only way other than caps and facial expressions that you can use to emphasize the dialogue. Here you can just choose one of them and then show how it is said through wordplay. Also, I understand that colour is another way to spell it (and personally I like it that way instead of the usual "color") especially in British or other European texts, but universally, it is probably safer to put "color" instead.

Other than these minor fixes, I really liked this premiere. I look forward to reading more. Please post more?