Hey. This is my first contribution of work to this site. Be merciless.
Apocalypse Of Indecision
The sky was rising and falling, threatening in way, like the actions of your lungs breathing in the mist. We were laying under it in a field of transparent flowers, wilting and fading with the belief of a better place. The trees on the edge of my sight were swaying but there was no wind. Perhaps they felt the need to leave too. You stood up and beckoned for me to do the same, so I did. I placed my hand in yours. You whispered to me though I heard it clearly above the restlessness of the sky. "This is the end," you said and I knew exactly what you meant.
So hand in hand we ran from the field and through the town we knew as home. It was deserted but for a few birds that had chosen this as their ending. Running never felt so light on my feet and you seemed like you were floating, though the ground still supported you. The bloodshot eyes of the city were no longer stopping traffic, because the traffic had stopped long before it reached that line. We ran down alley after alley searching for a way to get higher. Then as if by some power of the imagination, we found one. We ascended to the top of a building so we could see all that was left behind, and to be the first volunteers when the sky made its choice.
At the apex of desolation that we had chosen we stared into each others eyes, shimmering, like pools of starlight being hit by tiny rock after tiny rock. This was our existence, waxing and waning with my belief in the moon. By now the sun had gone down beyond the lonely hills that formed the horizon, without a goodbye. The sky was still rising and falling, writhing with indecision over whether or not anyone would notice its suicide. It was getting closer to a resolution though. So close I picked a star from it and gave it to you. You accepted it and threw it off the side of the building, just for the joy of knowing you outlived part of the sky.
We had not long left now and we both knew it. We kissed in the last remaining moments of our world and though your lips tasted like ash, it had never been so good. We didn’t care anymore, there was nothing left to lose. My last words to you were, "If this is a dream, then it is a good dream." You pushed your hair out of your face and said to me, "This is a dream," and with that we drifted off into indifference. The sky collided with the earth and I remember nothing more, as there was nothing there to remember.
__________________________________________________________________________
Sorry if i misjudged where to post this piece but I personally think its quite romantic.
-Luke
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hello there.
Popping in to give you a review after all these years. The wait was long, but I hope it was worth it.
First off, I think that I'd rather this be in an actual novel rather than just a short story, for a couple of reasons. One, the use of "you," "we," and "I" made me want to know more about these characters, and how the end of the world even started. I don't feel a connection with these people, as I'm only told basically that they wanted to be together one last time before they died and left the earth and such. Two, I like the reasons behind things, so I'd love to have more of a build-up in this story, even with a few glimpses of when these characters fell for each other. Three, this reads like the ending of a book I read where people had like three months before an asteroid was supposed to destroy the earth.
Continuing on, I don't really like the slight tense changes, like the MC knowing when they spoke their last words, and that they didn't "remember" after the world ended. In this case, I'm conflicted on how I'm supposed to feel, as am I supposed to think they exist somewhere, as they can tell what they remembered, or are they simply dead? That almost sounds like the ending of a novel, and I don't know if that's effective in a short story setting that's very, very short.
Finally, I feel kind of "ehh" about these characters dying. I just think this reads as a little flat unless readers like reading a short fic that everyone dies in a few hundred words. I want to be invested, so I'm sniffing by the time the couple can spot the sky coming down, but I'm not right now.
Overall, I think that this has more potential as a longer segment and that I simply want these characters more sketched out because they could be interesting!
That's all for now.
Wow. I am ashamed of myself. As a writer I stand firm in my belief that every piece of art, wich writing is definetly, has room for improvement. This peice is of course included, but I can not find it. I am ost in the utter serenity of your characters even though the world is coming to an end. Usually I encourage writers to go beyond what they know as short stories into full blown novels, but this, to me at lest is utter perfection, and I would be heart broken if it were to be tampered with. This is not something I will ever say again. At least not probably.
Until next time, Stay In Love With Love.
You are amazing. Very poetic. It requires good thought to read and write a piece like that. Incredible. Well done.
absolutely beautiful. the flow of words and their very sound (i felt complelled to read it aloud) are a pleasure.
It's very beautiful...
I don't have any real critique! darn..you people right too well!
i like it. i also think it is very romantic.