Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: So this was a pretty well done little piece here except for that last part which was a little confusing to read. Overall though we get a decent idea of the emotion that our main character here is expressing and this seems to be a pretty sad little story about this woman that died perhaps on her wedding day.
Anyway let's get right to it,
"SO sorry Kia I have tooken your life away but it was your time".
That should be taken
"Who are you?" "Well the angel of high Casttello". "My name is Beth Im so sorry I did'nt mean to take you but it was your time Kia".
That should be didn't and also you need to be starting a new paragraph for each of these lines because they are being said by different people.
soon the angel dissapered I closed my eyes for it was no dream for a real dream would be truley be fake this was no dream for that I could only wish. My chest filled up again I was dead and will could not see me I had to sent him a message hopefully he would get it. But I was'nt completly sure he did 'nt kill me but he would'nt I knew him.The ring he had given me it was on the floor the church was burnt so they could not do an ottopsiy nobody cared I was dead and that was that my wedding dress was long and sleveless and stapless.But what ponted was my love for will and who ever did this would some how pay!!!!!!
Okay so this is that part I said was somewhat confusing. It's sounds a little bit like a rambling monologue or something along those lines and there's also a ton of typos in this one. Those words should be:
disappeared
truly
wasn't
completely
didn't
wouldn't
autopsy
sleeveless
strapless
counted
Will
Okay so some suggestions would be to reduce the amount of thoughts that she is having and describe some of these parts like the church a bit more so that you can space out these thoughts and make them a little easier to understand.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: So overall this was a pretty well done story. It seems to have a slightly mixed message of sadness and maybe just a bit of mystery there at the very end. And overall it's a nice little piece.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Points: 254163
Reviews: 4102
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