Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Kate and I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression

Well this was a horrifying little compilation of how this mother did what appears to be a bit of a double murder on her children because the other option to how this played is so much harder to believe.

Anyway let's get right to: Kate's Line by Line Reactions;

"Mommy, please let me out I'm cold!"

"You and I both know I can't do that"

"Mommy, please it won't happen again!"

"I'm sorry I can't trust you anymore"

"Mommy, I didn't mean to hurt him"

"If your quiet I'll think about it"

"Officer, my daughter she's missing she was playing with my son. I heard a scream, she stabbed my son. I can't find her anywhere"

"We will find don't worry ma'am"

They searched the house and found nothing. They went into the garage and didn't find anything, till they looked in the old ice cream freezer. They had found her.

Inside there were signs of a struggle

scratches on the walls

streaks of blood

written in her own blood "I told you I was cold"

The officers came inside, and I knew from the look on their faces they had found her. They took of their hats, bowed their heads and said "Ma'am, your daughter has sadly passed away. It appears she crawled into the freezer and became trapped suffocating due to lack of oxygen and contracted frost bite.

I pretended to be sad even bit the inside of my cheek so my tears would be real

But....they knew.

Okay, so first off, I love this short story! The way the girl dies is a very creative way that I haven't heard of before!

Now some tips I would suggest:

General grammar, it's something we all struggle with, but can be an easy fix! It seems like the lack of end punctuation is a stylistic choice, though adding a period or comma at the end of some sentences would definitely add to the feel of them! And make sure to proof read (Or even better, have someone else proof read) before you post it to check for spelling errors or missed punctuation etc.

Details, details sometimes seem useless but they often add lots of dramatic effect! In my personal writing style I love using adjectives to describe things because it gives the story more character. Like for the "They searched the house and found nothing." you could add big, little, peaceful, messy or something else to help describe the house!

Drama, adding drama is a great way to hook your readers! It could be dragging on the mystery a little bit, adding the perspective of another person (In an obvious manner, such as "The police officers were shocked when they looked in the ice cream freezer." and then switch back to the mothers POV. You could also add something about the brother, or even hint that you would find out some other time if you wanted to continue the story of the work!

That's all I have, but I loved this story overall! You did a great job and I'll keep an eye out for more of your works! Have a nice day!

This is really good! It made it clear the mother had no guilt for what she had done. Her biting her cheek was a nice touch. I like the way it said she wrote with her own blood.


Though i would recommend proof reading if you don't already. And mentioning the background of some things, for example why she had stabbed her brother or how she started bleeding.

This is my first review sorry if it seems sloppy.

Greetings, this is my first review so forgive me if I do it wrong.

This is an interesting concept, the ideas at play have a lot of potential. You've picked a premise with limited scope, which is good! It means you didn't get distracted explaining things that didn't contribute to the main story.

I'll split my suggestions into major changes and minor changes:

Major:

1. A lot of the power in this story comes from how it's a mother hurting her child. Therefore, I would advise describing the family dynamic. Maybe the mother reminisces about when her children used to behave (and we see hints of toxicity that would eventually bloom), or maybe the police ask her questions that reveal exactly what she thinks of her children. This will get us more invested in the victim and the murderer.

2. When writing you need to balance moments where the characters see / do things and when the characters react to what they see / do. This gives you opportunities to make them feel more like people. Good places for this might be between the initial mother-daughter conversation and the mother speaking to the police - and between when the police find the body and when they speak to the mother. I'm personally very curious as to what the police think of this case.

3. The plot point where one of the children stabs the other begs the question 'why did they do this?'. It's fine to leave some questions unanswered, but in this case it's a perfect opportunity to flesh out the family.

Minor:

1. Writing in blood is a powerful gesture because it's so hard and painful. To maximise this effect you generally want the message to be written to be short and incoherent, this sells the idea that the character isn't fully sane and is suffering a lot. For example in IT the message written is just 'IT', and written very messily. It's a minor point, but it helps immersion.

2. The line '... she stabbed my son. I can't find her anywhere' could do with polishing. A parent usually wouldn't be that matter of fact about their son being hurt (and if she was the police would call her out on it). Furthermore there's no cause and effect relationship between the stabbing and her being missing. I would write 'she stabbed my son. I was so angry, I can't believe the things I said. I didn't mean to make her run away but - I can't find her anywhere!'

I realise this is one of your older stories so maybe some of my advice is outdated. I hope I wasn't too pedantic or negative. As I said I really like the concept, and I think with some practice you could write some really good short horror!

Until next time,
Red Design

Hey valentin3 here to shoot you a quick and rushed review :3
>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><
So I love horror to no extent and this story tickles my brain in the right spots (ik it sounds weird but it okie). Upon clicking on the story I assumed based of how short it is it would be vague. Welp. I was wrong.
<<>><<>><<>><<>><<><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<
Pretty much what Im picking up from this is: A woman (the mother) locks her daughter in the freezer for stabbing her son. She then called the cops saying her daughter "ran away". Upon the cops arrival they find her in the freezer. The mother tries to act as if she knows nothing about why she was in there. But she does.
<<>>><<>><<>><<>><<>><<<>><<>><<>><<<>><<><><><<>
Anyways :3

I hope your day is awesome sauce :3
Wit love, Valentin3

Hi Oakley! Pol here with a review :>

I'm a huge fan of horror, it's definitely one of my favorite genres to read and write in so I'm really excited to review this piece.

After reading through this piece, I found I really liked the premise. The mother is an absolute psychopath, manipulative and cruel. Her dialogue is a nice touch, as is the daughter's.

Parts I Liked:

written in her own blood "I told you I was cold"

"Mommy, please let me out I'm cold!"

I pretended to be sad even bit the inside of my cheek so my tears would be real

"Mommy, please let me out, I'm cold!"

"You and I both know I can't do that."

"Mommy, please it won't happen again!"

"I'm sorry, I can't trust you anymore."

"Mommy, I didn't mean to hurt him."

"If your quiet I'll think about it."

Hi Oakley. Happy review month! I'm Valkyria, and I'm here to leave a review for your lovely work. Let's get into it:

First impressions: This is very short, but there are still elements of the horror genre that make this story work. We also see how the mother's mind works.

What I liked: There's tension, suspense, and drama. We get a good sense of how psychotic the mother is. I also like the description inside the freezer. It's just the right touches of eeriness.

Improvements: This story can benefit from being longer and more descriptive. Also, read your story to catch any grammar mistakes. It's largely made up of dialogue, so add in scenes. Where are the characters? What are they feeling? I know I'm repeating the old phrase "Show, don't Tell", but the story is heavily lacking in it.

Slow down, and let the story go at its pace. It feels like the scenes are being rushed through to get to the ending, but readers need time to get to know the characters and understand their actions. Ask yourself, what is the relationship in the family like? If the story is in the mother's perspective, do a deep dive into her psyche. Why is she doing this?

This is horror, so go crazy with the suspense and the drama. Make the readers feel icky with what is happening. The story doesn't have to be super gory to have the effect you want.

Final Thoughts: It's super cool that you published this on YWS after writing it in middle school. It's neat to see how different your writing style changes as you develop your skills. Always remember, take any suggestions you want, and forget the rest! I can't wait to see you around YWS.

Valkyria

First of all, this is an overall yummy story.


What I liked:

-How the girl died (lol it sounds weird ik)

-How psychotic the mother is

-This reminds me of a dream I had once lol


What could've been better:

- I would've liked to see things from the daughter's perspective

Thats it!


Keep on writing, keep on being you!

Sorry if this isn't good
I'm new
This is one of my older stories
I wrote this when I was in middle school
Hope you Enjoy
-O.W.
<3