Hello! This is a book idea me and my sister are working on, and I was hoping for some input on this prologue!
Thank you for your time
Prologue
A solider stared out on what would soon to be a battle ground, watching from the edges patiently, in silence, unmoving. “just a little longer,” he thought to himself.
He waited, and for that moment so did the world. No one moved, no sound was heard. it was misleading, and almost peaceful. They quickly had a reminder what was inevitable. the first cannon was fired. battle cries rang out, and men charged to their ultimate if not instantaneous doom. With that the solider turned, and almost like a ghost he was gone.
Walking away from the first of many conflicts, his eyes stayed locked on one place. It was far enough to be untouched by the raging battle below. Here stood a mountain, one of many in the Andes chain. At the base of this stood a rather large foothill, with an unencumbered view of the blood bath bellow, despite the massive forest upon it.
He began his trek up the hill, never resting despite its steep and treacherous terrain. His eye blazed with an unyielding force, never looking back.
When he arrived it his destination, he was met by the sight of his associate staring out onto the fight below, acknowledging his approach. The man glanced out of the corner of his eye.
“Well?” the man inquired. the solider stood still, looking out over the battlefield. after a long pause he declared, “The only way out . . . is forward”.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,832 Reviews
Hey its Zeus here to review for the Big Bang! First off, this is a good story, and I'm already hooked on the series. Just asking, since this is science fiction story, why are they using old fashioned stuff like cannons? Or are these some kind of advanced space cannons or something? or is this some kind of alternative history series? Just a thought. I'm going to list my suggestions and comments in a numerical order, as I find it easier to keep track of them that way. Here they are:
1. 'A solider stared out on what would soon to be a battle ground, watching from the edges patiently, in silence, unmoving. “just a little longer,” he thought to himself.'
Sorry if I sound a little rude, but there are several mistakes in this first line. For starters, you misspelt soldier, and you should have said 'would soon be' instead of 'would to soon be'. There were a couple of other mistakes too. It's also a little too long according to me. Here's the corrected version of the sentence:
'A soldier stared out on what would soon be a battle ground. He watched from the edge patiently, in silence and unmoving. Just a little longerJ he thought to himself.' (Quotation marks should be only used for speech, while italics are best for thoughts)
2. 'it was misleading, and almost peaceful.'
The 'i' in 'it' should be capitalized here, as in 'It'
3.'They quickly had a reminder what was inevitable. the first cannon was fired.'
This doesn't sound grammatically right to me (though it may be) but it it would be better said as 'They quickly got a reminder of what was inevitable; the first cannon was fired.'
4. 'battle cries rang out, and men charged to their ultimate if not instantaneous doom.'
the 'b' in 'battle' should be capitalized here, as in 'Battle'
5.'With that the solider turned, and almost like a ghost he was gone.'
You again misspelt soldier.
6.'“Well?” the man inquired. the solider stood still, looking out over the battlefield. after a long pause he declared, “The only way out . . . is forward”.'
Again, you misspelt soldier, and forgot to capitalize the 'a' in 'After'
7. I would suggest speeding up the character development, and let us know who the soldier is, so we can begin to understand him, and what he does.
Apart from the above points, I have no problem with this prologue. From what I have seen, this story has an interesting plot, and I hope to see more from you soon. Please keep writing!
Damnnnnn! BLOOD WILL BE SHED TONIGHT!
Cool! Was the soldier walking away from the battle? Did he betray his forces? In this line:
"It was far enough to be untouched by the raging battle below."
By "It" did you mean "He"? Many questions! But cool! Keep developing it! It seems like you've got a wicked plot brewing. If I was to give any advice, i'd say give the soldier more intention and personality earlier on, describe him and his actions. Also, describe his associate more. That will make it more intriguing. Muhahahahahah!
I'll keep reading!
Thanks for writing!
The object untouched by the battle is the foothill. Thanks for the review! I'll make the changes to acknowledge your advice.
I don't know if elaborating on the associate would be wise at this point in the story. As far as the solider goes I'm still thinking of how to implement that.
Input on the prologue? Sure! I suppose you'd like to know what I think of the plot, right? Well, that's what I'll write about.
One vital piece of information is missing at the beginning: I did not picture any men on the battlefield. I just thought it was an empty field and the soldier was surveying it. From what you've written a couple of sentences later, there are either two armies lined up on that field, being completely silent. Or, your soldier is one half of the battle, standing on a hill and the other army is on the opposite hill. But I originally didn't picture either, so perhaps reword and add in some more detail.
And almost like a ghost he was gone. Get rid of the 'almost' and be certain, this is a very powerful phrase and I can tell that his actions are going to have some sort of impact on the story's plot.
Their meeting place seems like an important detail; are they going to return there, or dread not returning? You ended the prologue brilliantly, I'm now left wondering who the soldier's associate is and what they're escaping from. Because the battle can't be all their running from, I'm eager to discover what lies ahead.
Thank you! I will most certainly add more description. I'm amazed I missed that, there is literally nothing exsplaning the invorment. Good thing you spotted it lol. But your wrong, they are not running from the battle they are doing something else... Foreshadowing!
Ohhhh, I understand now. Foreshadowing is good.
A solider stared out on what would soon to be a battle ground, watching from the edges of the plain at the base of the mountains, patiently, in silence, unmoving. The two massive army's stared each-other down. %u201Cjust a little longer,%u201D he thought to himself.
He waited, and for that moment so did the world. No one moved, no sound was heard. it was misleading, and almost peaceful. They quickly had a reminder what was inevitable. the first cannon was fired. battle cries rang out, and men charged to their ultimate if not instantaneous doom. With that the solider turned, and like a ghost he was gone.
This is what I have changed based off your comment. Thank you again for the input