Port Au Prince fits its name; the Prince of all Princes. It may not look like the most beautiful places but to me it was home. It has the best food, the best atmosphere, the best Prime Minister and the best tourist attractions. The food. Wow. Not only was it authentic but it was mouth-watering, twas the best part of the country. Tourist came for the delicacies- the pigeon legs dancing in marinade; talkative turmeric, saucy saffron and charismatic chilli. It was as if once you took a bit into that leg the spices were communicating with you. The weather is always warm just like the people. The weather always brought jubilance into people’s lives. The daffodils turned their heads to welcome the sun and showed disrespect to the snow. Everyone in Haiti had that glow… it was as if everyone had been seasoned with chilli.
My name is Rishka. I am 15 years old and I want to be a nurse when I grow up. It is my greatest desire to be a nurse. I wake up and think to myself “work hard to achieve those dreams”. My dad inspires me to work hard. As a teenager he was involved in a drug gang however after making his way to the Capital City life opened its doors. He had the opportunities to fulfil what he wanted to raise a successful family. He believed that the earlier you could raise a family the more life chances you had. He was superstitious. He met my mum making kebab on the street. His kebab was known to better than “the women’s”. Made my mum laugh. She had grown up at the heart of Iran, where Kebab was the everyday stable. The way she made it was second to none. Delicious, mouth drooling, flavoursome and succulent. She migrated to Haiti to seek a better life away from the rebels. She met my dad at the front of their favourite kebab shop. It was fate, as later she took over and become know as the number one wife.
Port au Prince is a beautiful city. Everyone who lived in Port au Prince made a ray of sunlight shimmer over their heads. The glow on everyone’s face showed how happy everyone was, enjoying where they were living an proud of their country. There was very little crime, students worked hard in school aspiring for their dreams and the community always opened each other’s arms with joy and bliss. However, during the last week there has been a change in the community happiness. It has been replaced with fear. Fear of the unknown. An earthquake was due. Haiti hadn’t had a severe earthquake since 1987. Everyone was in despair, and preparing for the most. Although there was never enough preparation done for what was to happen and shake up my life…
In life we must look at the bright side. During the week of despair, I had a dinner that, (I thought) would change my life forever. In Haiti tradition you are expected to have an arranged marriage as it is thought that your guardians, your parents now what is best for you to continue the expected way of life. ON the 21st of May 2009, I sat down alongside my future mother-in-law. Sadly, her husband had passed away in a tragic fire. However, this was not known to her. She was slightly delusional so she was told that he died from a heart attack. As we were huddled together, on the Persian Rug of the living room we ate, drank and laughed. Everyone brought something to the table; my mother brought her succulent kebab, my dad sense of humour and my brought there sense of protection. It was a very awkward dinner. Throughout the dinner, I was signalled to get up and clean up, serve out guests, stay silent and behave respectively. I had to make the impression that would change everything- I was to marry someone very rich. I knew how much this meant to my family. I could see the significance to this opportunity; a stable roof over my head, always food on the table, a constant income- a generally happier life in which I was able to make a difference. I messed up obviously. Me and my clumsy hands…. I had spilt the marinate all over my future mother in law. My mother in law swore in Haitian. I quickly apologised and bowed to show respect to my olders. I ran to the kitchen to get a damp cloth and I felt a jolt. It was at the moment I knew that something was not right…
Bang Bang Bang! The floor stared to crumble, the kebab fell on the floor, the cats started slipping, my mother in law started to curse, my mother screamed to God. We knew what was going on… the earthquake had decided to make its ground appearance.
It felt like a train was coming down the road. The house wasn’t shaking, it was rocking. I went outside and the vehicle in the driveway was rocking, glass breaking all around the house. All of a sudden those once cheerful faces turned grey. It seemed like the arranged marriage was not meant to happen as God decided to bring the presence of an earthquake. There was a cloud of dust over Port-au-Prince. Within ten seconds the rove fell down and everyone went under…
It was the longest 30 minutes of my life. I could hardly breather, my lungs were filled with dust and I felt as if I was about the die. I could hear the screaming of my mum calling my name. From that moment I knew I had to clumber my way out. On top of me was 6 layers of solid cement. I hardly had enough energy to breathe let alone move the heavy bricks. But God gave me strength. He gave me the strength to work through. I slowly, pushed the rock away. I had the courage of a lion, the strength like a tiger and the determination of a fox. I could do it. I could do it. I could do it…
As I removed the last brick in the way of me seeing my mother. I passed out. I was awaken to the screams and yells of relatives trying to find their friends and family. I looked around. What I once knew as home was in ruins. My mother had tears running down here face and was bruised everywhere. Nevertheless, there was no sight of my father or brother. “Don’t worry, we will find them”. My mother said. But all I could do was think about the good times we had all had together, moments before the earthquake. I couldn’t help myself. I just burst into tears.
Everyone around me is in hysterics. Looking for lost relatives, looking froe their pets, for their belongings anything that they can find. My mum was pacing around looking for family members. She was in a state; she only had 1 shoe, her hair was messy, she had cuts all over her, and she had aged by 10 years in the last 30 minutes. I felt as if it was my first day back at school again- I needed my parents but they were lot and weren’t there, I needed my brothers for support but they weren’t there and I needed my belongings for comfort but they weren’t there.
It was a day that changed my life and my future plans changed. For the worst for the better?
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,796 Reviews
Hello Nina. I'm just leaving a review this Review Day!
One nitpick I have is that the digits. I remember that, in fiction, numbers smaller than 100 are generally written in words. Thus parts like "1 shoe" should be "one shoe", "10 years" should be "ten years" and "30 minutes" should be "thirty minutes".
So anyway, the story--which is set in a different culture, Haiti--interested me. I really liked the way you started close to the important event: the earthquake, rather than slogging through the life BEFORE it. So the earthquake really ruined everything--possibly Riska's life.
That being said, I have a few notes I want to make:
1) This chapter contains a lot of information that's often more important for YOU to know than the reader. Much of this chapter was exposition, and I suggest cutting majority out and instead showing what was the city like in description, as the characters interact with it. The thing is, chunks of exposition isn't very interesting to read.
2) This chapter doesn't have too much dialogue here. Seeing a lot of white space is quite nice to the reader, especially in the first few chapters. Dialogue can also push forward the characters' development and show their emotions. The dinner is a great place to show everybody. Maybe somebody keeps interrupting. Somebody only eats and says nothing. Some engage in small talk with the person next to them.
3) I know the earthquake is supposed to be terrifying, but in this chapter, it isn't as terrifying as it can be. For example, instead of rushing through the events, you could slow down a little, to add little snatches here and there of the setting. You can make use of the five senses two! Such as sound and touch. Inner monologue is a great place as well!
So overall, this sounds like an interesting premise but I feel as if this is moving too fast. Like MJ said, this is still barebones and I'd suggest slowing down and expanding on it a little. Probably the information here can stretch over into two chapters:
1) The dinner, ending with the jolt
2) The earthquake and its aftermath
(Though I'm not sure this chapter placement works)
Hope this review helped. Feel free to ask if you have any questions. Use any suggestions you like and ignore the rest!
Hey there, and welcome to YWS! I'm MJ, and if you ever have any questions, you can ask me (although I might not be able to answer) or anyone whose name is in red, light green, or dark green. With that said, let's jump into a review:
and the second Needless to say, one of these needs to be taken out.The first thing I wanted to point out is a contradiction between something you said in the first paragraph and then something else you said later. Here's the first statement:
Another thing I would suggest is rearranging your paragraphs. You start out describing Port-au-Prince, then transition into an autobiography by the main character, and then start describing Port-au-prince again. It could be better if you moved all of the descriptions into one section, but that might be a bit overwhelming to your reader. That brings me to my next point: information dumping.
This is something that I personally struggle with a lot and I believe it's very prevalent with new and young writers as well. It's hard to find the balance between giving the right amount of information for the reader to understand what's going on, and giving long and very detailed accounts of nonrelevant topics. Both can be turnoffs for stories, and right now I think you're a little bit too far to the overly detailed side. Here's an example:
While it is necessary to know what the MC's name is, her age, and her desire in life. It could also be good to know why she is so strongly motivated to become a nurse. However, it's not necessary at the moment to know about how her parents met and her dad's checked past. That would be better saved for later and delivered in more digestible chunks.
Overall, I think that you have a good skeleton of a first chapter here. That may sound disheartening, but it's better to have a solid skeleton and then work out the nuts and bolts later than to have the nuts and bolts up to par but a deteriorated skeleton that will collapse under the weight of the story. Hopefully my suggestions helped, and if you ever need anything, you can private message me through the messaging system or post something on my wall. I look forward to seeing you around!
Good job & best wishes,
MJ
Thank you so much. I appreciate your review and help very much of my writing. I hope you enjoy more of what is yet to come.