Mercury, Chapter 1

Hey you two! Here as requested, so let's get right to it.

Nitpicks first:

Ezra hated that his brother's sudden vanishing meant nothing to them.

A few sentences prior to this, you already stated that Ezra hated [...] so it seems pointless to reiterate that. You could easily nix that and continue with the rest of the sentence and it would still get the point across.

He was the one who had to eat breakfast at an empty table, staring at the empty chair while he waited for news of the beast and news of his brother's return.

Try to avoid the repetition of words in a sentence or even in a paragraph. You say "empty" and "news" twice in this sentence. You could easily say it once in a compound sentence and make your point. Try tweaking this a bit.

until his throat turned hoarse.

It might just be me, but "throat turned hoarse" sounds odd when phrased like that. I know you guys can do better. Be a bit more descriptive and add a little more to this.

"It's the least you can do for a boy who lost his brother."

This works, but I feel like you could add in "for a boy who has lost" and that would work as well. Maybe even flow better? Just a suggestion. I think the "has" inclusion sounds better.


Alright, so I want to briefly point out another repetition thing. I feel that there's really no need to repeat Ezra's name in every paragraph. He's not the only male in the story, but until you bring up a new male to discuss, you can stick with just saying Ezra's name once and then referring to him with male pronouns until you mention a new male. Especially in the interview with the reporter. You could've stuck with saying male pronouns for majority of the dialogue, since it's clear to the reader that Ezra is the one talking. It's not really that big of a deal, and it could just be a personal thing, but I figured I would mention it to you.

Other than those nitpicks, I am really enjoying this and am eager to see what happens next. I like how you allude about the beast but you don't go into much detail, so it builds suspense and keeps the readers engaged and eager to see what you mean. I like that you focused on how the disappearance is affecting the parents and how it's making our main character feel. This is off to a good start. No real issues with the dialogue or the plot so far, so that's good! Let me know when the next chapter is up.

I hope this review helped!

In which Erza is interviewed after his older brother Jasper mysteriously goes missing. Ok, so first, thank you for the information but is it absolutely necessary to include this little tidbit? The only reason I'm asking is that if this is what the chapter is about then you [as the author] should be able to show it to your readers without actually stating it. The real thrill/mystery of reading is trying to figure out what is happening and putting those pieces together but when it is given to you [the reader] a little bit of the fun. Your writing should be well enough to clearly portray to the reader that the chapter is about an interview due to the disappearance of another. Anyway lets get on with the true review why don't we.

Erza couldn't stand the idea of being a poster child. He disliked how the reporters fretted over him, how the mayor ruffled his hair,orget rid of the comma how his parents always had to look sympathetic for the pictures; I would change this to a full stop and just start a new sentence. Also for the beginning of a novel, this isn't that striking as an opening sentence. Remember that you want to punch your readers right away so they keep coming back. That doesn't mean you have to throw them into the middle of all the action, it could be accomplished through a short heartfelt emotional line, but no matter what tactic you use, you want it to be strong enough to allow your readers to think about why or what's going to happen next etcetera. he couldn't stand the gossip that scurried through the town, with his face on the front of it along with his brother's last photo. what gossip?

He couldn't stand the idea that his brother was gone. you don't need to start a new line, just tack this onto the previous sentence.

Jasper's disappearance gave the town something to chatter about. Ezra hated that. I like these two lines, but I don't feel like you truly capture Ezra's emotions in it. The fake sympathies he received from every neighbor on the block began to dig into his skin. Why don't you give us a little bit of an example about these "fake sympathies." The reason is while, they may feel over done and cliché/cheesy, normally when people go missing the sympathies of others aren't fake, they may not be whole hearted but if the missing person was known by these people they normally wouldn't be fake.People recognized him at the market, making gestures to himin his direction and whispering. Ezra hated that his brother's sudden vanishing meant nothing to them. Again, details. So far I don't see anything suggesting that Jasper's disappearance means nothing to these people. More so, I see the opposite of this which makes me feel [as your reader] that Ezra is over dramatizing what these people are doing or that he isn't seeing anything clear. Which in turn doesn't make me sympathize with him.The mayor leeched onto these stories whenever he could, beating every detail into the minds of citizens.

That's the problem Erza held with the mayor: these stories were his life. The wording of this sentence seems a little off to me.

He You started to talk about the mayor so I think you should just make it a little clearer who you are actually talking about now. I'm assuming it's Ezra. was the one who had to eat breakfast at an emptythe table, staring at the empty chair [in which his brother used to sit] while he waited for news of the beast and news of his brother's return. Who is this beast, are you referring to the person who took his brother? He was the one who had to put up withthe multitudes of exes that his brother had, all coming to him to mope. He just wanted to scream at everyone until his throat turned hoarse. It seems like you started every sentence in this paragraph with the word He. That's not good because it becomes tedious to read and leaves no variation in your writing to continue to grip and engage the reader. You want to make sure that while you write you do vary a few sentences here and there and that you keep it fresh.

He couldn't do that. Do what? He had to keep it up for the interviews. keep what up? Without Jasper and with his father unemployed, the Moores were barely holding on.

Instead, Ezra adjusted his bow tie and moped at the camera so that his parents and the mayor could make money off of his family's anguish. I'm slightly confused here. How is his family and the mayor making money off of the disappearance of Ezra's brother? That picture would travel by train into the big city where his face would be plastered onto black and white newspapersadd a spacefor gossip in a place he didn't even know. So you're talking about Ezra like he was the one to go missing. Typically in a missing persons case, it's the victim who is plastered all over the news and the victim who is talked about in hushed tones, not the victims brother/sister. Unless there is something different going on with Ezra then you should make it clearer. If it is actually the brother that is being talked about then again, you should make everything clearer.

"I know you hear this a lot, Mr. Moore, but how is this impacting you?"

Ezra tugged at his collar, "He's gone." I want to see more emotion in this sentence. The words themselves give good emotion but I want to see more from Ezra then just a tug on a collar.

The reporter gave him a dirty look -- the best thingadd a spaceabout a one-on-one interview and photoshoot -- How is this the best thing about a one on one?"Yes, our readers know that, Mr. Moore. We want to know more about it. How did it start? Your town is abuzz with rumors but I want to know the truth." Ok, so I understand that a little bit of mystery in a story is a good thing. However, you have to give your reader something to keep that mystery alive. Right now, I have more questions about what's happening in your story then I should. What I mean by that is that it's keeping me from really enjoying and engaging into what I am reading. Keep the mystery but make sure you let little whispers of it go

Ezra kept himself from rolling his eyes -- he had told the truth hundreds of times. "Ms. Scott, my brother has been missing for twenty days. He went hiking in the forest, last I heard. The mayor's hunting dogs found his bandana ripped to shreds. He's an assistant Bear Scout leader, but there wasn't a hike scheduled. For all I know, he could be dead." Complete and total deadpan. Cool, now we have some detail.

Ms. Scott crossed her ankles and straightened her plaid skirt, adjusting [herself] to look more like a business woman. The way her hair was pinned back made her look terribly proper. Because she was an annoyance, she continued with the questioning, "Yes, yes, we all know that. Do you know why he went hiking? Do you think it had anything to do with the beast?"

He started to dig his nails into the palms of his hands.

"No."

Ms. Scott clicked the button on her black recorder, her eyes glittering with contempt from behind her glasses. "Now Ezra," her voice was like poisoned honey, "I'm paying good money to be able to interview you and your family. This is a great scoop and the citizens of
Swanford would love to hear all about it. NowSo spill everything." She pressed the button again and it turned back on.

"How did you feel when you heard thatyour brother disappeared?"

Ezra could only see the faces of his parents and the look of devastation on his father's face, along with the complete and utter numbness from his mother; they hadn't talked to him directly until two days after the disappearance was official and even then their conversations were clipped. While Ezra was annoyed at these interviews and posters, he understood on some level why they were happening. I don't even think I understand what is happening

One: his parents needed the money to hire more crews to find his brother. Hm... typically search parties are free or the community [if it's a small enough community with ties to each other] find ways to raise money through sponsors and what not to pay for the help of a search party.

Two: the mayor kept on having private meetings with them, talking about the opportunities this opened in the face of tragedy.

"I was devasted, truly."You've already used devastation, so find a different word instead of devasted The faces of his parents switched to the empty breakfast table, along with Jasper's blue bowl that he still pulled out of the cupboard due to habit. "He's really been the rock in my life. I don't know what I'm going to do without him.'

Ms. Scott leaned in, "So you think he's dead?"

Ezra composed himself once again, I never had any indication that Ezra wasn't composed remembering that Jasper wouldn't want him to give them the answers that'd make their newspapers sell. That's all these interviews were. Not their solicitude, instead their attempt at making an extra coin or two. I would suggest rewording this sentence to something like, "That's all that these interviews were for, not solicitude but an attempt to make an extra coin or two." "What do you think?"

Ms. Scott paled, opening her mouth to speak, "I--" she closed her mouth and chewed on the question promptly. Ezra smiled, the corners of his lips rising as if fish hooks were rooted in his cheeks. Honestly, the image of his smile is probably the best one I've read so far.

"At least we're not doing this in a group of people. Then you'd really be screwed."

"What?"

"Listen, lady, this isn't what JasperI would suggest saying "my brother" instead of using his name. would want. I don't know any more than you do, okay? Quit scrounging for answers that aren't there. Go interview someone working on the new railroad that's being implemented or some other shit. Ask them what it's like. I don't know what happened to him." Ezra excused himself from the table the two sat atif they are having an interview, then I would assume that they were both sitting at the same table, snagging her coffee. "It's the least you can do for a boy who lost his brother." He raised the cup to her and left the café. Few things, one, if it's a one-on-one and a personal one at that, then I would never have guessed that they would be having it at a café. It seems like this interview would have been one that took place more in private then in a public space. Two, Ezra called himself a boy. Now based off of what I have read so far and his personality I don't think boy really fits. For one I had the feeling that he was in his teen years and typically teens don't call themselves boys. Just a thought to chew on though.

Even if Ezra loved toying with the journalists that came to interview him, all this talk about his older brother got him down.I would place a comma here instead of a period and add the next sentence to this. Especially at the mention of death. Ezra didn't want to know the answer to that question. A small search team went out looking for him a couple of days ago, coming back with nothing.

That's why Ezra needed to do this himself. He finished off the cup of coffee Ms. Scott generously donated to him and threw it in the trash. Ezra's mother worked so often that she'd barely notice his absence. Use the word 'and' to connect these two sentences. His father decided to take some time for himself, which meant that he loitered around the local bar.

When his father wasn't at the bar, Ezra found him asleep on the steps, too exhausted to make it up to the master bedroom on his own. After Jasper disappeared, he found himself helping his drunken father to bed commonplace. Their conversation usually went the same each time. "How'd you even get home?" Ezra would ask, only to receive an inaudible grumble in response.asked. The question usually received an inaudible grumble in response. Italicize what is in the quotations.

As he walkedto? the house you should probably say "as he walked home" (it didn't feel like home with Jasper gone), Ezra looked through the window of the bar to see his father on a stool close to the bartender, shot glasses lined up beside his elbows, which rested on the marble counter. Ezra kept walking, slowly retracting his hand from the windowpane and clenching his longing into a balled-up fist.

He had half a mind to storm in there with fury and stormDon't repeat words, find synonyms behind him, but he knew it wouldn't make any difference. There was the simple fact of life that Jasper was the favorite and his father couldn't cope with losing his favorite son. Ezra couldn't blame him, no matter how much he wanted to. It stung like hell, but the truth did that. "I'll find him," he whispered, "I'll find Jasper."

Wow, that was a pretty rough read. I liked it none the less but it was still rough. As I read I felt confused at times and while some of my questions seemed to be partially answered, a lot of them went unanswered. Like I said earlier, mystery is a good thing but you have to give your readers something to keep them reading.

Second, I liked and I didn't like the characterization of Ezra. [By the way you spelled his name either like "Ezra" or "Erza"] At times he seemed to have emotions that would fit the situation and other times he didn't. The interview with the reporter felt fake and forced to me and I didn't feel anything to either sides. As well the way that he describes what's going on in the press and what's going on in his family seems unrealistic.

Other then that I don't have much else to say besides what's up above in the line by line. I haven't written a review in a while so if any of it is slightly confusing, feel free to leave me questions. Good luck guys and continue writing.

Heyyyy guys,

Nit-picks first:

He was the one who had to put up with the multitudes of exes that his brother had, all coming to him to mope.

He couldn't do that.

Was expecting a "But" at the start of this. No biggie, just where I'd expect the rhythm to go.

newspapersfor gossip in a place he didn't even know.

typo

While Ezra was annoyed at these interviews and posters

heh, knew you'd get that the wrong way round at some point

"At least we're not doing this in a group of people. Then you'd really be screwed."

"What?"

I'm not sure about the lack of tags here. I'd quite like an image of her face at this. And also maybe I'd like to know Erza's body language here. I'm picturing him leaning forward, maybe snarling. But I would like to see that.

snagging her coffee.

Wait did he steal her coffee or did you use the wrong pronoun?

You call him Ezra several times from here.

Even if Ezra loved toying with the journalists that came to interview him

So far what I'd seen was him putting on a moping face and doing what was necessary. It sounded like he normally did what was asked of him and this was him breaking down finally and just flipping out.

which meant that he loitered aroun

Unfinished sentence?

As he walked around (?) the house

Overall:

First I'll go through my regular routine then get to your author's note.

Character: I get a good understanding of a sassy, devastated, nice person who is under far too much pressure. I think your minor characters are done well too and the dad has a nice hook to keep me interested in his character.

Setting: There is very little of this. I'd quite like at one of the times where he's having to act the part him describing the setting as in some way oppressive. Maybe it's got lights shining on his face in exactly the right way to make the most haunting photo-op. Maybe everything's really stuffy and smells hot and nasty because there's so many people in the room staring at him. Something like that.

Plot: The reveal of what had happened is maybe a teensy bit on the nose but only in relative terms. You do very good at working it into dialogue especially with

Complete and total deadpan.

which adds characterisation to your plot information. I think this is overall done well. I'm also very intrigued by the plot and plz send me next chapter.

Flow: Pacing pretty spot on, though maybe it would be good to ground it in a concrete scene slightly earlier on. It's very readable, but it's more like a monologue to begin with. I'm fine with this but I've had reviewers tell me they weren't before when I did it.

Author's note: There was the one inconsistency I pointed out in my nit-picks, which was that at first it seemed like Erza was being the perfect child and doing exactly what was asked of him, then it turned out he was this savage sassmaster who knew exactly what he was doing. I like the idea of both of these characters, but they do seem a little disconnected. Let me know which you were going for and I'll let you know where I got the other impression.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits