z

Young Writers Society


12+

Collage

by Virgil


The entire history of human desire takes 70 minutes to tell.

By the end of the month,
I am left war-torn and lovestruck.
This challenge is a call to arms where I
pull the blankets off my body in a
bedside manner. I'd hate to think
that I'm missing out, yet I'm late
as always; I have a reckless history.
And these are just merlot footnotes. You

are here, and I am too. Together, we
are in the drought of a spectral canyon,
where our names are projected
into the stars. The constellations
act as a tarot spread for nonbelievers,
a way to bend and not break.
You drive by cemeteries and old trees,
the bleakest of the bleak, yet colored shapes
still move by. A girl swallows a lunar eclipse
with the windows of her mustang--that girl
is you. You, always dreaming and eating, yearning

for honeymoon vibes. For blackberries and
fresh honeysuckle. Let us learn how to deal
with the buzzards poking at your eyes; maybe
the best way to heal is just to walk away
and recover. This is not a poem, these
are the laws of coming and going.
These words are the working titles
and ink stains buried under the
coffee table, only inkstand musings.
I admit, all I want to do is see you turn into
a giant woman. All I want to do is

shave a dog and name it Bruce.
Without you, I would be left
with evanescence. Let us fall
into the abyss, because I
am not afraid anymore.
I have learned over time that
daylight is for the people that
don't know how to use flashlights,
and that you, me, and the dark?
We make light. I don't want to disguise
what these words really are, though:
a collage of mismatched contemplations.

Over time, I have realized
this is more of a valley walk
than one of a bucolic meadow.

Author's Note: The concept of this poem, if you didn't already notice, is that I've taken a large portion of the NaPo titles and made them into one poem or collage. This is the last and 90th NaPo poem I did, so I thought I might as well make up a challenge for myself. It's obvious that these lines, or a majority of them aren't mine directly, so I have to give credit to those I took from with their NaPo titles, and sorry if I missed anyone, but I couldn't fit them all into this poem!

I wanted to ask if the flow is off due to the lines and phrases that I had to work with?  Does the imagery or topic hop from place to place? Is the flow on this one off due to it? Those are the main concern I had here though any other critique is appreciated! Thanks for your time.

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355 Reviews

Points: 2099
Reviews: 355

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Wed May 17, 2017 2:19 am
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LadySpark wrote a review...



Hey there!
So tbh I was slightly taken aback by my title for my napo being the first line in this, but after I realized what was going on, I really appreciated what you were doing.

By the end of the month,
I am left war-torn and lovestruck.
This challenge is a call to arms where I
pull the blankets off my body in a
bedside manner. I'd hate to think
that I'm missing out, yet I'm late
as always; I have a reckless history.
And these are just merlot footnotes. You

Okay, to be honest, this is a pretty weak start. I know you're trying to express the struggle of writing 30 poems in 30 days, but because you're trying to convey that, it comes across a little trite instead of you letting the words speak for themselves.
I struck some stuff out, and the bolded things are what I would change to be a little less cliche and echo the voice of the people and lines you are quoting. Be careful not to overuse and as a connecting word. Often, there's no reason at all to put a connecting word. Sometimes leaving it out makes it flow better.


Overall, your flow is better than I would have expected with something like this. I like what you tried to do. It's a very original thought and I really appreciate it. But. If you're going to do this, your added commentary has to be as good, or better, than the people and things you are quoting. If it's not, it just falls flat. There are spots where you're as strong, but there's also spots where you're not and I can feel you second guessing your voice. Because of this, the poem goes back and forth between getting it's message across and being good and falling short of your point. Think about that as you go back and revise. Let the titles and the voices of the different poets speak for themselves, but also let your voice speak for itself. Your voice should raise the caliber of the lines from others, not be discordant in comparison. This is a great first draft, and I take my hat off to you.

xo
spark




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131 Reviews

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Reviews: 131

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Mon May 15, 2017 8:08 pm
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beccalicious94 wrote a review...



Hi Nikayla, Becca here for a review.

Before I read the author's note, even though it's in the title, I had no idea this was a collage. Which probably means you did a good job maintaining a cohesive narrative that functions beyond the camp value of a collage poem, so good job on that front!

I think the first three stanzas definitely work and have the love/nature motifs down pat. I think you lost me/the tone of the poem at the end of the third stanza with the line "...all I want to do is see you turn into a giant woman." The first stanza of a poem teaches you how to read the rest of it, and I thought this was going to be a serious/sentimental love poem. I didn't think the giant woman/shaving a dog and naming it Bruce really fit with the rest of the poem.

I think the rest of the poem pretty much picks-up from where you left it before the silliness, though. So my basic comment is that the joking didn't work for me. Obviously your call as the author. I hope to read more of your writing!




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Mon May 15, 2017 12:09 am
VegasLights wrote a review...



Hey, Nikayla! VegasLights here to give you a review!

I have to say, I like the fact that you took a challenge. I really liked the idea that the challenge itself was about NaPo titles. I believe your poem was interesting because of that challenge. I mean it went onto different subjects and it just unfolded itself along the way. It showed me great imagery and allowed me to see new things. Now I am going to answer your questions because I don't have anything else to add.

To me, I think your flow worked well. The phrases you used were a little weird, but that didn't necessarily break the flow. What broke the flow a little, was the topic hopping. It didn't really break it, but in a few places it felt a little off. Knowing the fact that this was based on NaPo titles, I think it is perfectly fine. I know that must have been a lot of work and just knowing that allows me to see through the hopping.

Overall, I think it your poem is totally perfect. There really isn't a lot you could do to make this better. I believe this poem has reached its full potential. If you have any questions, feel free to ask me.

Sadly, all reviews must come to an end and here is the end of this one. I thank you for your time and I hope you have a great day!

~Keep Writing!~
VegasLights
(Previously Steam1244)





Just because you don't feel like a hero in your own story, doesn't mean you're not a hero in someone else's.
— Tenyo