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by Morrigan

as you release the kiss
i come up spluttering, your
vodka draining from my mouth
in a waterfall. with red-rimmed eyes
i take you in and realize
you'd rather drink my viscera.

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738 Reviews

Points: 1024
Reviews: 738

Fri Apr 21, 2017 8:11 pm
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Lumi wrote a review...

So I started a joke review with "This is a strong statement piece" a bit ago, but I actually mean it this time. So check it:

First read, you pick up kiss, you pick up vodka, red-rimmed eyes, and then the throw-off is the final line. Okay this requires a reread. That's good. There's gold in them there hills. So discounting the possibility of vampirism (which I love as a poetic concept, but...) the reader dives in more carefully, probably pretentious with a glass of wine because you're published, Morri. We all know it. So they have their wine and they're reading, and it suddenly dawns on them that you're telling them that Dear Lord, alcohol would rather destroy me than love me.

That could preach in some circles. Idk. So you have a good flow--the only hangups I possibly have are line two's 'your' hanging at the end after a soft pause--consider it enjambing? I also like it how it is because I can read it properly with breath control, but I also am wary of readers unused to hangman connections.

Viscera is the perfect choice and should not be changed for aaaanybody. Tell your editors that. They likely won't get it, fam. Line five is a bit noneventful, but I guess some things have to be buildups.

I really dig this.

Morrigan says...

Thanks bb <3

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284 Reviews

Points: 4250
Reviews: 284

Fri Apr 21, 2017 4:45 pm
RubyRed wrote a review...

Hiya, Morrigan. I'm just going to skip the intro and get right into the review! :D

Since I'm a lover of the classics and proper grammar, I'm not so fond of this poem. I suddenly find myself on pins and needles whenever I see things that aren't capitalized that should be and so on. But as this seems to take a modern look at poetry I won't point out those mistakes because I'm sure you know what I'm getting at. However, that's not the only problem with this poem, but the fact that you sneaked "spluttering" in there; and it's not even a word. (I'd hate to play a game of Scrabble with you.) Also, I don't understand why "viscera" is in there... because it usually refers to the intestines, and alcohol taxes the liver.

The idea of this short and simple poem I rather like, but not enough to make up for the rest that I don't like about it. Don't take my review personally I just like to preserve the arts as much as possible whereas you prefer the modern look. Keep writing!

~Keep <3

Morrigan says...

I'll have to disagree with you. Preserving the arts can take many forms, including promoting the evolution of it. By you saying that you prefer to preserve the arts, you are implying that this isn't art. Which is, of course, your opinion, but I take issue with a few things you say.

Spluttering is indeed a word. Can I direct you to google?

If you've never drank alcohol, I can understand how you might think that it only taxes the liver. But dude, when you wake up after a night of heavy drinking, the toilet is going to be your best friend.

Also, please open your mind more to the possibilities of the artistic merits of capitalization/non-capitalization. I made the choice not to capitalize anything to create a mood that the speaker is small, and their life is unbalanced. I'm glad it made you feel uncomfortable-- that's what it was supposed to do.

Scrabble? You're on.

Thanks for your time in reviewing this poem. I'll consider again my capitalization, but I don't think that capitalizing this poem in the traditional way would benefit the poem.

RubyRed says...

Hahaha, well I didn't mean to offend you. And yes I've had alcohol before it didn't give me the runs but I guess it can happen. And I didn't say your work wasn't art I just meant I'm more for classical old poetry which includes grammar. I did look up spluttering and I didn't find it in the dictionary though... Please excuse me to some point. I haven't reviewed anything in about a year.

RubyRed says...

And I must have overlooked the fact that "spluttering" is indeed a word. My mistake sorry. :)

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1079 Reviews

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Reviews: 1079

Thu Apr 20, 2017 9:53 am
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Kaylaa wrote a review...

This is Nikayla here jumping in for a short review!

So I enjoyed this poem. You must already know that much, since I liked it, and now I'm back to review it! The length of the poem is a strength here, and it lets you build on those six lines and make it into a powerful sestet. I see that this is exactly what you do here. Something minor that I wanted to point out is that 'relase' is misspelled and should be 'release' as you probably know, and that it's a small mistake on the piece.

I'm a little iffy on the usage of the word 'release' here, or at least, I was at first, but it grew on me the more I reread it. It's unique. The second line in the poem sounds a little awkward due to 'come' feeling a bit off. I suggest you play around with writing this in past-tense to see what you come up with and to see if that's any stronger, though you don't have to change it.

As Will said before, your use of the word 'sputtering' is well-placed, and I commend you on that. What I'm not as fond of is the line, 'your vodka draining from my mouth in a waterfall', or at least, I'm a bit confused by it. How is the other person in possession of this vodka, referring to the 'your vodka' part? I assume the waterfall is the speaker spitting it out or something similar, though that part was a little unclear. I love the 'red-rimmed eyes' description since it gives so much yet it's only a couple of words. The poem ends off strong, and overall, the piece definitely works being short in length. Nice work here.

If you have any questions about the review, don't be afraid to ask! As always, well wishes, and I hope the review helped you in some way.

Morrigan says...

The "you" in the poem is supposed to actually be a bottle of vodka. But like, I wanted it to be kinda ambiguous? So the "your vodka" is like the vodka from the bottle.

Kaylaa says...

I actually did not notice that! Maybe you could make that just a tiny bit clearer in your edits with this? But, now that you've explained it, I totally get it. Thanks for the clarification!

Morrigan says...

Yeah I'm trying to figure out how to do that without losing the brevity and momentum in the poem. But I'll get it there. Thanks for the suggestion :)

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15 Reviews

Points: 748
Reviews: 15

Thu Apr 20, 2017 9:16 am
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Aaraju says...

Please capitalize the necessary words. I think the thing you want to express is quite nice. But you might want to increase the length just a little bit. Otherwise, I think it is a very interesting poem. And please, don't ignore the punctuations and grammar. Good work. Keep on writing. Good luck. :)

Morrigan says...

Capitalization is seen as a stylistic choice in poetry. Thanks. I will ignore any punctuation and grammar that I wish within my works to create the desired effect. If you can tell my why the punctuation affects the piece negatively, I will consider changing it.

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Thu Apr 20, 2017 4:32 am
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winterspirit13 wrote a review...

There are some basic spelling and grammar issues (I's not being capitalized, released is spelled incorrectly). I do like the basic concept! The imagery you used is rather good, I think. Some points of the poem are a bit confusing, such as the ending line, so I almost wish this poem was actually a bit longer! If it were I think you would have been able to dive into the subject a little more, but that could also really be up to you, I guess. It was interesting for me to read, overall, so good work!

Morrigan says...

Hi there winterspirit13. Thank you for your thoughts. In poetry, capitalization is generally seen as a stylistic choice. I chose not to capitalize anything to create the feeling that the narrator is small and not necessarily feeling very good about what's happening. Thanks for pointing out my typo ^_^ I feel silly that I didn't see it.

Thanks again!

Those are my principles. If you don't like them I have others.
— Groucho Marx