Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » General

E - Everyone

Toxic

by Morrigan


Your room is a home for spiders,
spindling across the hardwood
and nesting in the corners under the bed.

I hope you know where they came from; 
a pair of needle legs rose from under your tongue
while you spat my name, 
and eight eyes glimmered venomously.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
42 Reviews


Points: 8
Reviews: 42

Donate
Thu May 09, 2019 5:56 am
seekingthetruth wrote a review...



I was hoping for by the title something a little more toxic and a little longer too. the reason why I hate some small poems is that their is not enough of tension being built up before the final line it felt a little rushed. however the use of imagery and tone made this very special because it set a scene and it told a story in one. contradicting my self from earlier this is a really good short poem it has everything even some suspense and tension. really good no great job

should be proud and keep writing 9/10




Morrigan says...


I appreciate your feedback. I was wondering though-- since you didn't like how short it was, do you have any suggestions for me so I can build up more tension? I'd appreciate the constructive feedback!





I would suggest going into some detail about the spiders web - use imagery to describe the shapes.

that's all seekingthetruth out



User avatar
42 Reviews


Points: 106
Reviews: 42

Donate
Wed May 08, 2019 4:35 pm
View Likes
Corvus wrote a review...



This is a lovely poem, very vague.

i notice that you describe the spiders as "spindeling spindling across the hardwood" this is a good line, but i pesonaly think a word like crawling or clambering would be a better term, because spindeling does not imply movment. that is the only nit-pick i could find. Well done.




Morrigan says...


I decided to experiment with the word "spindling" because it's unusual, and I wanted to draw parallels from spindles and spider legs (not to mention the alliteration!). I like that you suggest "clambering." I'll definitely consider changing it to that, but I might be too attached to "spindling" to get rid of it ;)
Thanks for the feedback!



User avatar
562 Reviews


Points: 14535
Reviews: 562

Donate
Wed May 08, 2019 10:05 am
FlamingPhoenix wrote a review...



Hello, FlamingPhoenix here with a few thing to say about your poem on this lovely night, and to help get it out the green room.

Okay let's start.

So I'm going to talk about first is the thing that got me here in the first place, and that is your title you chose for this poem. I will have to say it was quit interesting when I read it, it had so much emotion, and it was like pulling me in to come read your poem. It was quit short but it was a lot of meaning to it. Great choice.

Now onto your poem.
It was short, put boy did it hold a lot of emotion and meaning behind it. It was rather fun to read it, when I first started the poem i could see it was about a relationship gone wrong, and the way you did it explaining what the person thought of the other was really good. It put a really good image in my head, and it aloud us to feel those feeling said person could.

Over all this was a really well written poem and I just loved reading and reviewing it, I'm glad I had the time to. I hope you will keep posting on YWS, and have stop writing. Have a great day or night.

Your friend
FlamingPhoenix
Reviewing with a fiery passion.




User avatar
594 Reviews


Points: 106
Reviews: 594

Donate
Wed May 08, 2019 8:14 am
View Likes
fortis says...



I like this! It's good to see you back on the poetry scene!




User avatar
28 Reviews


Points: 930
Reviews: 28

Donate
Wed May 08, 2019 7:39 am
View Likes
Leviari wrote a review...



Hello!

This is such an amazing piece. Your metaphors are strong and vivid, you conveyed the portrayal of a toxic relationship very, very effectively. I also appreciated that you did not rely on the same cliches.

The first verse is perfect because it captures immediately the reader's attention. Also the title is very well chosen, for it explains in just one word the overall theme of your piece, without giving too much away.

I love that your poem, although clearly written, is open to many different interpretations.

You're very talented and I am very glad I came across your writing.





As if you were on fire from within. The moon lives in the lining of your skin.
— Pablo Neruda