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feelings of music

by MoonIris


Sitting on the hard ground,

The music goes up my ears,

and runs phrew my veins.

-

My feelings become a riptide,

And I drown myself into them,

With a guilty plesure,

That nobody can take away.

-

I hope that in 7 years,

My feelings won’t be forgoten,

and I will still have this sweat dreams.


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9 Reviews


Points: 28
Reviews: 9

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Fri Aug 14, 2020 5:39 pm
ImaginaryPoet wrote a review...



Dear MoonIris,
I know exactly how you feel. Music is my whole life, so this poem really speaks to me. I only found a few spelling and grammar mistakes, but other than that it was amazing!

At the end of line two, you don't need a comma at the end, since you aren't making a list (at least not in that one stanza).
In line three, I think that you meant through, not phrew?

In stanza two, you don't need any commas. The way I test this when writing my own poems is by taking the stanza and putting it into one sentence before breaking it up into lines, so I know where my punctuation would go. If you did that in this case without commas, you would have: My feelings become a riptide and I drown myself into them with a guilty pleasure that nobody can take away.
I've found that that trick can be pretty helpful ensuring that my stanzas have correct punctuation.
Also, in line six, pleasure has an 'a' in it.

In the first line of stanza three, 7 should be written out. Whenever you have a number lower than 10 in any sort of writing, it should be written out fully.
In the last two lines of the poem, forgotten is spelled with two 't's, and I would recommend replacing 'this sweat dreams' with 'these sweet dreams'.

Overall, this was a beautiful poem, and I loved the way you describe music running through your veins, because that really is how it feels!

Sincerely,
ImaginaryPoet




MoonIris says...


Thanks for the review!



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Reviews: 9

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Thu Aug 13, 2020 7:27 pm
Vex3330 wrote a review...



Hey!! This is a great poem! I love that you chose to do one about music :)
There are a couple of spelling mistakes but they've already been pointed out so I just wanted to compliment you on the imagery! Feelings becoming a riptide is a great image, as riptides and feelings can both be damn terrifying lmao. I enjoyed reading this and may or may not take some inspiration for future poems based off music from this :D
Thanks for writing this! It's great! I look forward to seeing what you write next :)
Bye for now!!

- Vex :D




MoonIris says...


Thank you for the review! :)



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Mon Aug 10, 2020 8:20 pm
whatchamacallit wrote a review...



Hi MoonIris - I saw this lovely poem in the green room and thought I'd drop by for a review!

Music is really powerful, I definitely agree, and it's a great way to express emotions (as is poetry!). It's a bit ironic to write a poem about music, if you think about it, but that's not at all a bad thing.

You've got some nice descriptions in this poem, and I especially love the second stanza (I'm a sucker for water imagery).

My feelings become a riptide,

And I drown myself into them,

With a guilty plesure,

That nobody can take away.

It puts a vivid image in my mind - and describing emotions as a riptide shows how intense and overpowering they can be. I can totally relate to what the narrator's talking about, as well. One thing you could consider is continuing the water imagery into the second half of the stanza, something like this:
With guilty pleasure -
Nobody can steal the water from me.

Doesn't have to be exactly like that, and you don't have to if you like it how it is, but just something to think about!

One very small thing I want to point out is that you use the word "feelings" twice in the poem - since it's so short, you might want to avoid that repetition, and maybe use a word like "emotions" instead, for one of them.

Punctuation and capitalization are totally stylistic, but I'd like to mention them briefly in the context of this poem. You're capitalizing the first letter of most of the lines, so I'd recommend staying consistent and capitalizing both the lines that start with "and", as well. Also, all of your lines end in commas, but several of them aren't necessary. It may seem like each line should end in a comma, but if you take away the line breaks and read the poem as prose, you only need commas where you'd have them if it was written like a story. For example, if we take the first stanza and take away line breaks, it'd look like this:
Sitting on the hard ground, the music goes up my ears, and runs phrew my veins.
Looking at it like this, you actually only need one comma -
Sitting on the hard ground, the music goes up my ears and runs phrew my veins.
And then you can add line breaks back in! Again, if you don't want to you don't have to, but I personally think it would make the poem flow better.

Lastly, there were a couple of typos, so I've pointed them in the spoiler below.
Spoiler! :
and runs phrew my veins

I think you mean "through" here.
With a guilty plesure

"Pleasure" is spelled with an a :)
My feelings won't be forgoten

"Forgotten" needs two t's, otherwise it'd be said like "forgoaten"!
and I will still have this sweat dreams

I think here what you want to say is "these sweet".
Those are all very small details, but tidying them up will make the poem a bit easier to read, and let the reader focus on the imagery instead of spelling!


Overall, I think you've captured how music can feel quite well! I like the imagery you used, particularly in the middle stanza. Just a couple polishing details would be spelling, capitalization, and punctuation. If you have any questions about this review, feel free to ask!

Keep writing!

whatchamacallit


Edit:
Oops, I see Starlitmind already pointed out some of that stuff in her review, sorry for the repetition! She must've posted her review while I was writing mine :)




MoonIris says...


Hi! Thank you for the review! Don%u2019t worry about the repetition you both gave me good advice. You said that your favorite stanza was the one with riptide. Well that%u2019s one of the titles of the two songs that I used for this
poem. The other one is 7 years. Thanks again, have a great day/night.





You're welcome! Aaa Riptide is a great song!!



MoonIris says...


:)



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Mon Aug 10, 2020 8:12 pm
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starlitmind wrote a review...



Hey there! I love the topic you chose for this poem, so I decided to check it out!

You said you included song titles in here which is really unique! I don't listen to much pop music honestly, so the only one I recognize is 7 years xD But I really like the idea you have here! It's cool, and it reminds me of your Disney songs poem. I think the fact that you've decided to include song titles makes your point stronger and shows that you deeply care for music. There are some things that I would like to point out about your poem. These are just suggestions, so you don't have to listen to them if you don't want to!

The first thing I'd like to mention is capitalization. You usually capitalize the beginning of every line, but there are two spots you don't do this that u'll quote below

and runs phrew my veins.


and I will still have this sweat dreams.


I think it's important to remain consistent in your capitalization in poetry, which you could do by capitalizing these two lines so the beginning of every line would begin with a capital letter, but again, capitalization is a stylistic choice in poetry, so feel free to disregard this suggestion!

The next thing I'd like to mention is punctuation. You punctuate every line, but to me, there were a few spots where I would personally remove the punctuation because it disrupted the flow to me. I'll quote those spots below.

The music goes up my ears,

and runs phrew my veins.


Since the second line is a continuation of the first line, I personally wouldn't put a comma at the end of the first line.

And I drown myself into them,

With a guilty plesure,

That nobody can take away.


Since the second and third lines are a continuation of the first line, I personally wouldn't put a comma at the end of the first and second line.

But again, punctuation is stylistic, so feel free to ignore this!

You had some minor spelling mistakes, but no worries! I'll point them out for you

and runs phrew my veins.


It should be "through"

My feelings won’t be forgoten,


It should be "forgotten"

and I will still have this sweat dreams.


Since "dreams" is plural, "this" should be "these" (or you could change "dreams" to "dream"). Also, "sweat" should be "sweet"

One other thing I'd like to mention is imagery. Because you're describing your feelings, this would be a great poem to add some vivd imagery in. Since you can't actually physically feel or touch feelings, imagery would really help the reader visualize how you're feeling. For example, in the first stanza, maybe you can talk about how the vibrations run through the ground, what kind of music is it (rock, classical, melancholy, etc.), and how is it running (waltz through my veins, calms my heart, etc.) and so on. These are just suggestions off the top of my head. In the last stanza, you can talk about those sweet dreams and further elaborate on your feelings. There are a lot of great spots in your poem that could use vivid descriptions and imagery. It would really elevate this piece and make your reader remember it.

Overall, I think this poem has some great potential! If anything, I would fix those minor spelling errors and work on making this piece more vivd. You did a really good job here; I love how you included song title in this. I'm curious what the other song titles are. I hope this helped! :D




MoonIris says...


Hi, thanks for the review! Your review did help. Now that I realize all those typos is kind of embarassing...I usally post earlier but today I post it late and didn%u2019t read it twice... I%u2019m glad you liked the idea of including song titles. You got 7years right and the second one is Riptide. These are my favorite songs and they were the inspiration for the poem. Thanks again for the review and I hope you have a great day/night. :)




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