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Travelling by book. Part1

by MoonIris


I live in a small town in the heart of England. Our town is old and sometimes boring. As a matter of fact, it’s always boring. I live with my aunt, her name is Miranda and she will turn seventy in a couple of weeks. We live on number six, workshop street. This street is located in the center of the town. Our house, like all the others, is tall but not large and glue to others. On the left part of the street there are houses and on the right shops. I’ve lived here since I was three years old and, I don’t have any memory of where I was before.

In this old fashioned town I have my best friend, Ella. She lives two houses from me with her family. Despite our different looks, we have a lot in common. We love books, mystery, and adventures. We spent most of our time in the library reading all kinds of stories. We like to talk about what great adventures w could have far from this dull town. She lives two houses from me with her family.

We never expected to live an actual adventure. This adventure started on another hot, boring summer day. We were supposed to meet at the library at 11 AM like every day of this summer vacation. It was 11:45 when I left home. My best friend is the most punctual person I know. She was going to get mad at me...again.I grabbed my big brown leather bag and rushed threw the door. My brown hair was tied up in a high ponytail. I was wearing a blue t-shirt and black short jeans. When I arrived Ella looked as usual. Her red hair was untied and she was wearing something yellow, that’s her favorite color, in this case, it was a dress.

„Sorry I’m l-„

„Late? I can see that. Now come on, I’m tired of waiting.”

We went inside our favorite place. At the entrance, there was a big red carpet and the wood floor was cracking. The walls were tall and so were the windows. I’ve always loved to hate the creme curtains that were hanging. The bookshelf were touching the ceiling, they were decorated with woodwork. Just when you enter on the right there is a desk where Miss. Carina, the librarian, never seats. She hates doing paperwork or sitting at a desk. When she isn’t doing anything related to books, she’s, well, doing spontaneous activities which might end up very, very wrong. Now she was on roller skates and unpacking some new books.

„That’s new”, I said as my friend noded.

„Girls! How wonderful to see you! Come close, come close.”, we approached her. „I’ve got all these new books. I can’t remember the last time we’ve got so many! Will you help me put them in order? Oh, how sweet of you, thank you! Please, first of all, take this book behind the documentary section.”, she gave me an old big book. „I’m going to go stretch a bit! See you in a couple of od hours!”. Before we could reply she got up and rushed outside.

„Miss.Carina careful at the st-„, Ella tried to warn her but before she finished we herd her falling down the stairs.

„I’m fine! Weeeee...”, there was a moment of silence.

„Well that was...something. Let’s put this book behind the documentary section.”

„How? There’s nothing there.”

„I know”.

We went to the documentary section really skeptical about what we are going to find. But we were very surprised to find a door there. We looked at each other, confused and wondering for how long have that been there. We open the door and discovered some stairs, that took us underground. The only light that we had was the one coming threw the door. Luckily Ella found an antic switch and turned on the light. It revealed an inermous round-shaped room. We saw a pedestal that was empty, the idea that it was the place of the book came to us so we put it there. But we weren’t just going to leave were we? We just discovered an ancient, secret room. We took a look around. I discovered a big tall clock that was showing 13:75. That’s impossible. It was about to become even stranger. As I wanted to show Ella my discovery, she took one book, „The horn city”.There was no author. She opens it and it was empty.

„Ivy?”

„Yeah..”, I was still distracted by the odd clock.

„This book is empty”

„What? That can’t be true!”. I took a look at it, empty indeed. I picked up another one, and another on, so did she. They were all empty. We placed the first book that we found on a table nearby and left the others on the floor.

„Why are all this books empty?”

„I don’t know...Maybe...We are supposed to write the story.”

„What? That would be interesting but look at these books they are ancient. I don’t think that’s they are their purpose.” I completely ignored my friend as I saw some ink and a quil on the table so I grabbed it.

„Maybe they are magical.”

„Magical? I know we always dreamt to have that kind of adventure but it would be crazy to come true.”

„What if it really is magical. Let’s find out”, I wrote „Once upon a time” on the first page then it disappeared. The room started becoming darker and darker. The wind was blowing, the odd clock was going crazy, books were faling from there place and the room trumbeled.

„I don’t like this Ivy”. But before she finished her sentence the book started glowing and absorbed us in it.


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Fri Jul 10, 2020 2:39 pm
starlitmind wrote a review...



Hey there!
I really like the idea behind this story. It's a cool idea, and I'm excited to see where you'll take it. You had some nice descriptions in places, and I felt this was a good opening. I have some grammar things I'd like to point out if you don't mind! :D

I live with my aunt, her name is Miranda and she will turn seventy in a couple of weeks.


This is a run-on sentence. you can easily fix this by replacing the comma with a period.

I’ve lived here since I was three years old and, I don’t have any memory of where I was before.


The comma should go before "and" not after.

We spent most of our time in the library reading all kinds of stories.


It should be "We spend" since this is written in present tense.

She lives two houses from me with her family.


You already said this sentence in the beginning of the paragraph, so I would take it out.

We never expected to live an actual adventure. This adventure started on another hot, boring summer day. We were supposed to meet at the library at 11 AM like every day of this summer vacation. It was 11:45 when I left home. My best friend is the most punctual person I know. She was going to get mad at me...again.I grabbed my big brown leather bag and rushed threw the door. My brown hair was tied up in a high ponytail. I was wearing a blue t-shirt and black short jeans. When I arrived Ella looked as usual. Her red hair was untied and she was wearing something yellow, that’s her favorite color, in this case, it was a dress.


From this paragraph onward, you start using past tense, where in the beginning you used present tense. I recommend going back, picking one tense, and sticking with it throughout the story.

Her red hair was untied and she was wearing something yellow, that’s her favorite color, in this case, it was a dress.


I feel this is worded unnecessarily. I'd write it as "Her red har was untied, and she was wearing a a dress in her favorite color yellow."

„Sorry I’m l-„


The quotations should be like this "Sorty I'm l-" Your quotations are on the bottom through the story, so I'd go back and try to find them all and fix them.

The bookshelf were touching the ceiling, they were decorated with woodwork.


Somebody already mentioned the bookshelves, but this is a run-on sentence as well. You can add an "and" after "ceiling," and you'll be good!

Just when you enter on the right there is a desk where Miss. Carina, the librarian, never seats.


I believe you meant "never sits." Also, you don't need punctuation/a period after "Miss"

Now she was on roller skates and unpacking some new books.


Wow, she sounds cool xD

The only light that we had was the one coming threw the door.


It should be "through" not "threw"

We saw a pedestal that was empty, the idea that it was the place of the book came to us so we put it there.


Again a run-on sentence, so you can just replace the comma with a period. Also, the second part is a bit wordy; it was hard for me to read.

The wind was blowing, the odd clock was going crazy, books were faling from there place and the room trumbeled.


Nice description! "faling" should be "falling"
"there" should be "their"
and I'm assuming you meant "trembled" instead of "trumbeled."

Overall, this is a good start! I'm excited to see where this goes, and I hope this helped!




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Fri Jul 10, 2020 8:02 am
HarryHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

It is I Harry the Review Fairy....just kidding...it's just Harry here to leave a review.'

First Impression: Well...that is pretty good idea. I wish there was a book like that in real life. I love the premise. I definitely want to read part 2 when it comes out.

Anyway let's get to it,

I live in a small town in the heart of England. Our town is old and sometimes boring. As a matter of fact, it’s always boring. I live with my aunt, her name is Miranda and she will turn seventy in a couple of weeks. We live on number six, workshop street. This street is located in the center of the town. Our house, like all the others, is tall but not large and glue to others. On the left part of the street there are houses and on the right shops. I’ve lived here since I was three years old and, I don’t have any memory of where I was before.


That should be glued. And right off the bat this is a pretty good description to start things off.

In this old fashioned town I have my best friend, Ella. She lives two houses from me with her family. Despite our different looks, we have a lot in common. We love books, mystery, and adventures. We spent most of our time in the library reading all kinds of stories. We like to talk about what great adventures w could have far from this dull town. She lives two houses from me with her family.


That should be we. Also by this point though it's a little too much information for the very first paragraph. You should probably be reserving this stuff for a little later. The part about Ella is fine but describing the books and things should be done a bit later.

We went inside our favorite place. At the entrance, there was a big red carpet and the wood floor was cracking. The walls were tall and so were the windows. I’ve always loved to hate the creme curtains that were hanging. The bookshelf were touching the ceiling, they were decorated with woodwork. Just when you enter on the right there is a desk where Miss. Carina, the librarian, never seats. She hates doing paperwork or sitting at a desk. When she isn’t doing anything related to books, she’s, well, doing spontaneous activities which might end up very, very wrong. Now she was on roller skates and unpacking some new books.


You should probably stick to saying I've always hated the creme curtains. That sentence just sounds off.

And that should be bookshelves

Also wow I love the idea of the roller skates. It's just such an out of the blue idea and it is great.

„That’s new”, I said as my friend noded.


That should be nodded

„Girls! How wonderful to see you! Come close, come close.”, we approached her. „I’ve got all these new books. I can’t remember the last time we’ve got so many! Will you help me put them in order? Oh, how sweet of you, thank you! Please, first of all, take this book behind the documentary section.”, she gave me an old big book. „I’m going to go stretch a bit! See you in a couple of od hours!”. Before we could reply she got up and rushed outside.


That should be of.

We went to the documentary section really skeptical about what we are going to find. But we were very surprised to find a door there. We looked at each other, confused and wondering for how long have that been there. We open the door and discovered some stairs, that took us underground. The only light that we had was the one coming threw the door. Luckily Ella found an antic switch and turned on the light. It revealed an inermous round-shaped room. We saw a pedestal that was empty, the idea that it was the place of the book came to us so we put it there. But we weren’t just going to leave were we? We just discovered an ancient, secret room. We took a look around. I discovered a big tall clock that was showing 13:75. That’s impossible. It was about to become even stranger. As I wanted to show Ella my discovery, she took one book, „The horn city”.There was no author. She opens it and it was empty.


That should be enormous.. Also that's a pretty good description. It sets the stage nicely and builds some good tension.

„Magical? I know we always dreamt to have that kind of adventure but it would be crazy to come true.”



That should be dreamed about.

„I don’t like this Ivy”. But before she finished her sentence the book started glowing and absorbed us in it.


And a really good ending right there.

Aaand that's it.

Overall: Lovely premise here. And this a really nice opening. The pacing was also pretty good. The description was also pretty good here and we get a decent sense of the character. Only thing was a few typos but those happen to everyone. I would definitely love to read the next part.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry

This review courtesy of
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MoonIris says...


Thanks for the review. I'll correct the mistakes soon.



HarryHardy says...


Your Welcome!!!



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Fri Jul 10, 2020 6:04 am
SpiderFingers wrote a review...



I really enjoyed reading this. I like your characters and the dialog between them is great! Also, the describing sentences are very clear, and I enjoyed how you got to know the characters by reading descriptions like; "Her red hair was untied and she was wearing something yellow, that’s her favorite color, in this case, it was a dress." The library, clock, and book are all really neat aspects and will definitely have your readers very curious to see what happens next.

Nice work, great job on this chapter!

~Spider~




MoonIris says...


Thanks for the review!





Your welcome!




You can't blame the writer for what the characters say.
— Truman Capote