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The girl from the library V2

by MoonIris


It was another dark, summer night in Erde, an earth nation town. A phew flowers that have fallen were accompanied by the wind to dance on the pedestrian stoned street, passing by the library. Inside there was warm light coming from a phew lamps. A girl could have been see in this same library every night.As a matter of fact, you could see her there almost all the time. Not only because she liked reading but because she lived there. This girl was Kaltaine. Like always, she was in her armchair reading one of her favorite books.

She tried to concentrate on it but she just couldn’t. She finished by giving up and putting it down. A strand of her honey hair fell from her low ponytail and gently caressed the side of her face. She started walking and her brown eyes were observing every inch of the building. She was looking for somebody. The librarian, a middle-aged woman named Josie. She left without a message a few days ago and still hasn't returned. Kaltaine already went to the police station but they told her that she shouldn’t be worrying. Don’t worry. How could I not worry! She told herself. After a few long minutes she tried to calm herself down. Maybe...maybe I am overthinking. Of course, she was, but nobody could really blame her... Not after what happened to her last year... I’m definitely just overthinking. But she didn’t believe this herself. She started sweating and breathing quicker. Her heart was pulsing so quickly that she could hear it. She started squeezing her necklace, the star sides was pricking her fingers. The steps of her walk were precise and her body was tense. She took a deep breath. She knew that everything was going to be ok. That she is safe, nothing was wrong, but for some reason, she couldn’t believe it. She was expecting something bad to happen...

Vjjjjj... It’s, it’s just the wind. Yeah, the wind. Vjjj... I, I can barely hear it, it’s nothing. Just... nothing. She was scared. Crac... She blanched. Ok...Maybe, maybe...She was out of ideas. What lie could she tell herself now.? She started to carefully walk on the tip of her toes and without making a sound, armed with nothing else but her book. She had the strange feeling that someone was breathing in her nape. Her hand started to tremble and she felt fear wrapped around her heart. Out of nowhere she turned around just in time to see a boy with green eyes feet touch the floor in front of her after jumping from the second floor  . Her heartfelt like stoping and she freezes. The boy approached her and tried to put his hand on her shoulder. Just before he could, she hit him with her book.

„Ow! That hurts, we don’t want to harm you. Just-”

„We?”

You could see the fear in her eyes like  you could see the fear in a baby deer who was about to be eaten by a wolf. Another boy leaves the shadow behind him as he approaches her and his hand squeeze the handle of a sharp dagger. She threw another book that was nearby at him out fear from seeing the weapon. It was useless as the boy took the light of a lamp, turned it into a lasso, and caught it. She froze. Magic! They, they have magic and weapons? She hear story’s about sorcery  but  had never seen it. She ran  between the bookcases. Books. That’s, that’s my best shot to take down two guys with, with magic! She couldn’t believe what she just saw. It was scary enough before but now they had magic. What do they want with me? What did I do wrong? She randomly picked books and threw them in the hope to hit them. If only she could’ve reached the door and run away. The sun caster caught the books one by one with his lasso. Her efforts were in vain. She soon realized she had ran through was a dead end.

„Ok, that’s enough I’m not wasting my time anymore”, said the caster. The lasso caught Kaltaine’s left-hand which was about to throw another book.

„What do you want? ”

The green-eyed boy approached and said:

„We don’t want to hurt you. Just come with us”

. Come with you? I don’t think so. She grabbed a book with her right hand and threw it. She missed her throw and the caster used this opportunity to knock her off using another light. Silence...Kaltaine only heard some faible voices that seemed to be far away but they disapeared after a few seconds... 


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106 Reviews


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Reviews: 106

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Wed Sep 02, 2020 11:10 pm
Valkyria wrote a review...



Hello MoonIris,

Happy Review Month! I'm going to be reviewing this lovely chapter, so let's get started:

You've written a very creative premise. And I love the names of the town and the characters. So, in this Earth nation town, magic is nonexistent. Until two boys with magic show up and kidnap her. They don't want to hurt her, so Kaltaine is a part of something far bigger than her.

One small thing off the top of the bat:

In the paragraph where the second boy appears, you switch between present and past tense.

Another boy leaves the shadow behind him as he approaches her and his hand squeeze the handle of a sharp dagger.


This sentence is present tense, but the next sentence isn't. Whenever I'm writing in the present tense, I always switch back to past tense without noticing. There are some grammatical errors, but starlitmind covered that really well.

Silence...Kaltaine only heard some faible voices that seemed to be far away but they disapeared after a few seconds...


This last sentence would be more effective if it was its own paragraph.

Overall, this is really intriguing!
Athena




MoonIris says...


Thank you for this lovly review! :)



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206 Reviews


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Sat Aug 22, 2020 2:19 pm
starlitmind wrote a review...



Hey there! I saw this in the Green Room and decided to check it out :D

I'm going to start out with critiques and then I'll tell you what I loved about your story! <3

I think the main thing about this is the way you present information can be a bit boring. You pretty much just tell the reader every little detail, a bit like an information dump. Instead of just stating things out, it would be nice if you could show it instead. For example, this part: "She started squeezing in her fingers her necklace. It was a simple star attached to a short-chain." You could say something like "She started squeezing her necklace in her fingers, the star's sides dinging in her skin." or something like that :)

Another thing I think could be improved is your sentence length. In a lot of places, you have sentences that are about the same length, and if all of your sentence lengths are the same, it gets a bit boring to read. Varying sentence length helps keep your reader engaged!

Now for some grammar stuff.

It was another dark, Summer night in Erde, an earth nation town.


You don't have to capitalize season names. Also, I love the name of your town! Shouldn't "earth nation" be capitalized though?

You could still see a light, that was barely visible.


You don't really need this comma :)

As a matter of fact, you could see her their almost all the time.


"their" should be "there"

She tried to concentrate on the book but she just couldn’t.


I feel like the transition from the last paragraph to this paragraph wasn't that smooth. You're introducing the girl in the first paragraph, but then you switch to narrating her in the second. Perhaps you could lead into that more. You could say something like "Just like every other night, she was in her armchair reading (book name)." And then you could have that sentence. Or something like that :)

A strand of her honey hair felt from her low ponytail and gently caressed the side of her face.


Nice little description. "felt" should be "fell."

The librarian. A middle-aged woman named Josie. She left without a message a few days ago and still haven’t returned.


Perhaps you could combine the first two sentences. "haven't" should be "hasn't"

After a phew long minutes she tried to calm herself down.


"phew" should be "few"

Not after what happened to her last year.


Ooh, I like this hinting back.

She started squeezing in her fingers her necklace.


I think this would flow better if you were to rewrite it like "She started squeezing her necklace in her fingers."

The boy approached her and tries to put his hand on her shoulder. Just before he could, she hit him with her book.


"tries" should be in past tense, like the rest of your story. Also, I found it funny when she hit him with her book xD

She threw another book that was nearby at him but the boy took the light of a lamp, turn it into a lasso, and caught it.


Same thing with "turn"

She heard story’s about it but never seen it.


I'd rewrite this like "She hear stories about it but had never seen it."

She ran to the areas that were between the bookcases.


This sentence is a little awkward. You can just say that she ran and hid between bookcases or something like that. You din't need the areas part.

She soon realized the area she ran threw was a dead end.


"threw" should be "through"

The green-eyed boy approached and said:

„We don’t want to hurt you. Just come with us”


I would put these in the same paragraph and replace the colon with a period.

She grabed a book with her right hand and throw it.


"throw" should be in past tense

but they dissapeared after a phew seconds...


"dissapeared" should be "disappeared" and "phew" should be "few"

And that's it! I really like the premise of your story. A girl living in a library seems like such a cool character. And I love the name of the place you built, as well as the idea of a light lasso dude (btw, "laso" should be spelled "lasso"). I think you have a really cool idea and I'm excited to see where this goes. I also love the MC's name. I hope this helped! :D




MoonIris says...


Hi! Thanks for the review. I%u2019m glad you liked the idea and the names. I spent a lot of time chosing them. By the way evey name that I chose has a meaning... I will make sure to corect the mistakes you pointed along with the other things you pointed out. Thanks again :)



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Thu Aug 20, 2020 7:21 pm
MaxaM wrote a review...



Hello man, the overall plot of the chapter was pretty good and interesting and the pacing was into wich things happened was enjoyable, but i think there are some things that could be improved upon. (Also, a side note: I am a bit nity-picky, so please don't take it personally)

First of all, i think your paragraphs are a bit too lenghthy, and could be broken down into smaller ones at points. How you distribute your paragraphs is your choice, but smaller ones are more easy at the eye and help with the flow if you know how to use them, so i recomend you give this a try.

Second, are the commas you're using to begin the lines of dialogue itentional? I don't know if they are or not, so i tought it would be nice to point out, and if they are i would like if you could explain to me the reason of this choice.

I also noticed some typos through the text, such as in this last paragraph it would be "threw it", instead of "throw it", and in the same paragraph i imagine you wanted to say "feeble" instead of "faible", and there are more mistakes like that and also some that hurt the flow and just don't make sense, like "You could see the fear in her eyes like the one you could see the fear in a baby deer who was about to be eaten by a wolf"
Where you repeated "the fear" two times without the need for it, and there are more like that, wich i can point out if you want and help correct.

Basically, the story itself is good, but i think the way you write it could be more fluid.
Sorry if i sounded a bit harsh, i hope this helped you a bit.




MoonIris says...


Hi. Thanks for the review. I know the way I'm writing should be more fluid that's why I wanted to get reviews on it to learn how I could improve it. Do you have any more tips? Aldo "the coma" in the beginning of the dialogue is not a coma. Is the dialogue mark only down not up. It's because my computer is in another language.




Few things are harder to put up with than the annoyance of a good example.
— Mark Twain