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Friendly kidnappers V2

by MoonIris


She started waking up, but her head felt so heavy...Kaltaine didn’t felt like having the strength to get up. She didn’t remember what happened. She slowly opened her eyes and tried to concentrate on what or who was in front of her although the image was still blurry. It took her a phew seconds to see that in front of her, there was a boy with green eyes and brown messy hair. She looked at him and remembered what happen at the library. She remembered how scared she was. Her heart was beating quickly again. She immediately got up but still had a hand for support on the train bench she’s been sleeping on and she said, more likely screamed:

„Where am I? Let me go!” But she got up to fast. Her head started to hurt and lean on the metal wall that was behind her. She was surprised to realize that she didn’t have any kind of chains or wasn’t immobilized in any kind of way.

„Take it easy, you just woke up ”, Kaltaine looked at him like she was about to punch him, and she probably would if she wasn’t so weak. Take it easy? I just got kidnapped by you Mr pacifist and Lasso guy! She thought.

„Here drink some water”, continued the boy who seemed slightly intimidated by her look. He gave her a bottle made of glass that was covered in leather. Kaltaine looked at him but didn’t take it.

„No” she replied on a cold neutral tone without losing eye contact.

 „You need to drink water, it’s going to help you” the boy tried to convince her.

„No, I’m not drinking anything you are giving me”, she crossed her arms and stared at him.

„It’s just water” jumped in another boy. He had red wine eyes that were barely visible under his black hair. The caster. Kaltaine recognizes him, but he didn’t look like what she remembered. True, she didn’t pay much attention to how the boys were looking when they were at the library. She was too busy to throw books at them. Ironically, he was reading and seemed bored by the situation.

„Sorry if I don’t trust two guys who just kidnapped me!”

„We didn’t kidnap you. And nut head let me do the talking.” Said the boy with the water bottle, the other one just role his eyes he was sitting in a corner of the vehicle. The caster was wearing a black t-shirt and black pants. He had a belt which was grey and had a brodery on it, in black, some kind of pattern. You could see attached to the dagger. He was also wearing a silver ring wich had on a symbol that Kaltaine has never seen before. After finishing the examination she turned her head to the other boy and said:

„I think taking me by force, from where I live in the middle of the night, is pretty much the definition of Kidnapping”

„Listen it’s complicated, just take some water. It’s not poison or anything”. She didn’t believe him. She started punching the metal wall that was behind her and screamed „let me out!” multiple times. The caster stopped her hand. He was angry when he said:

„Shut it! You’re not in danger.” Kaltaine took her hand from his grip and looked right into his eyes. They seemed so cold... They were red like fire and sparking danger but also calm like the warm light from the library. These eyes troubled her so she looked away. To distract herself from the boy's eyes she remade her ponytail who was now to lose.

„You were way more silent when you were passed out.”, he turned to the other companion, „ Great job talking to her Jox. It would be easier if we drug her again”

„NO. Absolutely no. We did it once that’s enough.” The boys turned around and saw how panicked she looked at them.

„You drugged me? YOU DRUGGED ME?” She screamed at them.

„Just something to make you sleep. Based on plants. Nothing that could harm you”, said the one with green eyes trying to calm her down.

„And you expect me to drink whatever you’re giving me? NO WAY!”

„It’s just water. And we WON’T drug you again” She looked at him attentively. His brown hair was very messy. He had dark color pants, somewhere between brown and black. He had big boots made of leather wich seemed to keep worm, a little to warm. He was wearing a white shirt that was longer than usual ones. He didn’t seem to have any kind of weapons at least she didn’t saw them. He also had a neckless with the same symbol that the other boy had on his ring. What does it mean? He had a big smile on his face which made him look similar to an idiot. She looked into his eyes and saw something... Something so familiar...This made her take the water and it was indeed just water.

“I still don’t trust you”

“We didn’t expect you to.”

The boys were dressed properly, not in a cozy oversized t-shirt and leggings. It made her quite uncomfortable so she tried to make herself look better by adjusting her t-shirt. But that wasn’t her problem... she was wearing slippers. If these guys attack her again how is she supposed to run in slippers? How am I supposed to do anything in slippers? Jox saw that Kal was looking at her slippers and then gave her a pair of white sneakers who weren’t cleaned, probably because of how much they’ve been used:

„I thought you might want this so we took them when... well, we took you.”

„Thanks! I can’t run away in slippers”. The joke made the guys exchange looks.

She looked around. She’s never been in something as modern as this. It wasn’t a train as she first believed. It seemed more like a box, with no doors, no windows. It was tall enough for them to get up and walk a little bit around. They were moving but to where? And who were these two guys?

„Better?” Asked Jox then set on the bench in front of her.

„Who are you? Where am I? Why is it complicated? What do I have to do in any of these? And where the heck are you taking me?”, she stopped and took a deep breath after screaming these questions at them.

„I’m Joxtyn, Jox if you want. This is my buddy, Alden. You are-„

„No.” Said Alden „We tell her nothing before we arrive. Orders remember?”

„From who?” asked Kaltaine.

„I’m not going to answer. Neither is Jox.” He looked at him with serious eyes.

„Great,” said Kaltaine. „Well, I’m Kal-.”

„We know,” said Alden „ We kept a closed eye on you for a phew days.

„So you spied on me”.

„Pretty much” he completed. He went back to his book leaving Kaltaine with an irritated look.

„Nice to meet you...” she muttered , but she was completely ignored. „How long was I passed out?”

” Two or three days.”She pretended that she wasn’t shock or scared about this new information but she didn’t do a pretty good job. „Don’t worry it’s not that much. Besides you need rest for...mmh you’ll see”

„I just don’t get it, why did I ever do to have to go threw all of this...trouble”, she said the last word exasperated.”Why can’t I leave my normal boring life?”, as she said that she punched the bench that she was sitting on.

„Hey, it’s not that bad. I mean for now...mmh. We can be quiet fun and if you would’ve listened we wouldn’t have to fight you”.

„Jox it wasn’t much of fighting. You know to fight your opponent needs to go against you.”, added Alden to annoy even more Kaltaine. She on the other side ignored his comment and continued talking with Jox:

„I’m not speaking just about getting kidnapped, I mean what happened to me before...It’s not your doing?” Alden looked for once intrigued,

„What happened to you before?”

” If you don’t answer I don’t answer.”

” Seems fair”, Said Jox. „Hey, do you want to hear a joke?”

„No”

„Sure”, replied Alden and Kaltain at the same time.

„Ignore the goth nut head.”

„I’m not goth!”, screamed at him, Alden.

„Yeah, yeah. So, how do the oceans say goodby? They wave.” Kaltaine smiled and even laughed. Then a series of bad jokes started on all kinds of topics.


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Thu Sep 03, 2020 11:17 am
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LittleLee wrote a review...



Hey there, MoonIris, I'm Lee, and here for a review.

I'll get right to it. Please note that I mean no offence and sincerely want to help you improve your writing.

The title is interesting, which is what made me read the story. It's a nice idea.

I saw a couple of your other works, and someone has pointed out the right way to use quotes - "like this" - and not like ,,this". I don't know why you do that, but if it's your style, it isn't a good one. It's very confusing to read and makes everything look messy, in addition to just being wrong. I can't start using an exclamation mark instead of a comma! can I? There are some basic rules in punctuation we need to follow, and this is one of them. :)

Kaltaine didn’t felt like having the strength to get up.

Either she didn't feel like getting up or she didn't have the strength to. Feeling like she didn't have the strength to is confusing. So, after editing that, it ought to be, "Kaltaine didn't have the strength to get up," or "Kaltaine didn't feel energetic enough to get up."
Oh, and "felt" is the wrong tense to use here. It has to be "feel."

It took her a phew seconds to see that in front of her, there was a boy with green eyes and brown messy hair.

*few*, not "phew."
You don't need to repeat that he was "in front of her" a second time, you already mentioned that she was looking at what was in front of her.

she’s been sleeping on

*she had been sleeping on*
You used the wrong tense. Be careful.

He gave her a bottle made of glass that was covered in leather.

If it's covered, how can she know it's made of glass?
That aside, maybe instead of being covered with leather, it can be a metal bottle or something. Much simpler that way.

„It’s just water” jumped in another boy.

After quotes end, there ought to be a comma, like so: "It's just water," jumped in another boy."
And you ought to mention something like, "....another boy she hadn't noticed before," just to stress on that.

He had red wine eyes that were barely visible under his black hair.

An interesting description!
But is it normal for people to have red eyes in this world?

Ironically, he was reading and seemed bored by the situation.

It's a good way to describe his character, so you get a point! :D

the other one just role his eyes

*rolled*

He had a belt which was grey and had a brodery on it, in black, some kind of pattern. You could see attached to the dagger.

".... and had embroidery on it."

Don't say "you" here, because you wrote most of the story in third person (using he, she, it, etc) and "you" outside speech is seen as addressing the audience, which isn't suitable here because it's in second person.

she remade her ponytail who was now to lose.

If you're talking about an object don't say "who" to refer to it; say "what" or "which." In this case, you should replace "who" with "which".

To," and "too,"are both homophones. That is, they sound alike but are spelled differently and have different meanings. "Lose" and "loose" are also homophones.
Here are some things you can read up on to know what to use when: https://grammar.yourdictionary.com/gram ... d-too.html

https://www.grammarly.com/blog/loose-lose/


That's all I have to say.

Otherwise, the story is quite interesting. I like how Kaltaine slowly transitions from outright furious to kind of friendly. It's also sweet to see the friendship between Jox and Alden.
This story has a lot of potential; just keep working on it, and I'm sure it'll go far.

Once again, I'm very sorry if my review was harsh; I just want to help you out.
If you'd like any reviews, don't hesitate to ask me!

- Lee




MoonIris says...


Hi LittleLee. I don't mind your review being harsh. As for the punctuation, my computer is going to another language and back to English so the strange punctuation is from there. I'll work on what you pointed out. Thanks for the review.



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Wed Sep 02, 2020 11:45 pm
Valkyria wrote a review...



Hello, Moonrise,

This review is going to be short since I'm tired. But, let's get started!

I really like Kaltaine. She takes no nonsense from Jox and Alden. She's been kidnapped; they won't tell her anything. It's reasonable that she would act this way. Kaltaine is fiery; she shows spirit. I found myself warming up to Jox in the end. He's much nicer to Kaltaine than his companion.

One thing that didn't stick out too well for me was this:

„I’m not speaking just about getting kidnapped, I mean what happened to me before...It’s not your doing?” Alden looked for once intrigued,


Something happened to Kaltaine last year. She was panicking in the last chapter. I would like to see more of that here and there as the story continues. Little hints; scraps of memories so the reader can discover what happened. We're too early in the story for a bombshell to drop.

As always, great job!
Athena




MoonIris says...


Thank you for the review :)



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Wed Aug 26, 2020 1:59 am
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brotherGeo says...



Hello Comrade MoonIris!
I would give you a review but i'm kinda busy, rest assured i will later. I'm just here to say, you don't have to create a new chapter to edit your work. there is an edit button on the right tab when your looking at your own work. just thought i'd let you know.
Keep writing
-brotherGeo




BurnblazeX says...


I think he just wanted to a complete overhaul of the original.



MoonIris says...


Hi brotherGeo. I know about the edit option, but BurnblazeX is corect. I wanted to be separated from the original. Have a nice day:)




If you have a dream, you have a duty to make it come true.
— Marco Pierre White