z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Chapter5: Hometown

by MoonIris


Kaltaine hit the hard ground as they arrived on the other side of the portal. A mix of emotions overwhelmed her and stopped her from getting up. She usually had all the answers but in the past few days she barely understood anything. There was a thought that haunted her and would probably haunt her for a long time. Why was her brother attacking them? She was lost in her own mind…

“Kaltaine, Kaltaine”, Alden’s cold voice woke her up to reality. “Get up. People are watching.”

She slowly got up and looked around her. Home…I’m home… They went down the pedestrian street that was so well known to her. It was a sunny day and a breeze of air was moving the bright green leaves of the trees. Old couples and a few tourists were taking the time for a stroll as there was almost nobody on the streets. Most of the people would be at work as it was around noon. She noticed a little green bird, all alone in its nest, looking too scared to fly away. But when she was finally ready and spread her wings, the color of the inside feathers revealed itself to be a beautiful purple. They passed by Miss Johnson’s boutique, The Bear Bakery and Saint John’s shoe shop. Everything looked so familiar to Kaltaine. If she wasn’t so deep in her thoughts she would take the time and enjoy the walk. To be fair, it wasn’t much of a walk. They were trotting fast and the boys seemed to know the town as well as Kaltaine and knew exactly where they were going. This seemed quite odd to Kal, but she didn’t question them about it. She was still thinking about her brother.

“Kal”, said Jox so as to stop her from her walk. They had arrived in front of a shop. The wooden sign outside read:

“Barky Barty Herbal Shop”.

“Here? Are you sure?” The boys nodded. Kaltaine knew this shop better than any other on the street. She had been working there for the past two years and had known the owner since she was five years old. A bell rang as they entered the door with glass in the middle.

An old man was sitting behind the counter. He was slim and tall. His dark eyes were staring into the newspaper and his big round glasses had slid to the tip of his nose. He barely had any white hair left.

“Welcome to Barky - “, he said, looking up from his newspaper. ”Kaltaine! My goodness!” He cleaned his hands on the red striped apron he was wearing on the top of his green shirt and pants. He rushed through the other side of the shop to give her a bear hug. “You disappeared. Without a note.” He let her resume her breath and cupped her face between his old hands. “What happened to you, dear?”. She smiled at him and slowly took a step back so he could have a better look at her.

“Mh, mh. Sir Benjamin Barken, we are here on an important business”, Alden’s icy voice echoed throughout the shop. The old man sighed and put his glasses inside his pocket. He then leaned against the counter.

“Nobody called me that in many years, boy,” he said as his eyes were studying the floor.

“Mr. Barty, Mr. Barty!” screamed a woman while entering the shop. She opened the shop door, ignoring the youngsters, and went straight to Mr.Barty. “You will never believe what I just heard! Today -“

“Miss Perickson, please, could we perhaps postpone this for another time?”

“But, Mr. Barty -“

“I’m an old man who needs rest. I promise to you that I will visit you later and then we shall have this conversation.”

“Very well. Five o’clock sharp. Do not be late.”

“Of course not.”

Miss Perickson left the shop quite annoyed and her high heels were creating an unpleasant sound. She adjusted the collar of her blouse as well as her big hat.

“What about if we went to the back? There we will not be interrupted by any middle-aged women. Kaltaine, it would be lovely if you hung the “closed” sign.” They walked through a door that was near the counter. Upon entering a new room, they saw shelves covering all the walls from bottom to top. A small table and one chair with some books on it.

“What happened?”, asked Barty.

“Sir, I am quite sure you know what is going on”, Alden said to him.

“I’m sorry, but…Barty, how do they know you?”, Kaltaine barged into the conversation. Mr.Barty chuckled at this question.

“The past days must have been terribly confusing for you. I was educated on the Main Island. And I believe so are these two young men. Some say I was one of the brightest of my age. Never believed that. I kept in touch with the Wolf Pack and was one of the three emergency contacts. When the prophecy was given, I was the first to know it was about you. Now, I believe the Island was attacked?”

“Yes”, answered all three at the same time.

“And you wish to know what to do next?”

“Exactly, Sir”, answered Jox.

“Well, the star nation people were mostly all killed. They were last seen on the Starius mountain, that’s where you need to get. Now, the mountain is far and you will need other supplies that I cannot provide you with. Travel through the forest and stay low key. I will give you clothing that doesn’t represent a specific nation.”

“What path should we take?”, questioned Jox.

“I cannot tell you. If you take the one that I suggest you are most likely going to be attacked on this road. You shouldn’t stick to just one because they might realize where you are going. I will provide you with medical supplies, a moderate stock of food and blankets for the night. Of course, I will find some backpacks for you as well.”

“Thank you, sir”, said Alden neutrally.

“Please call me Barty. Anything else you would like to know?” Kaltaine wanted to tell him about her brother. She looked concerned, but didn’t say anything. “Kaltaine, is there something you would like to know?”

“No. Mmmm. I mean…” She remembered Josie.

“Any news from Josie?” Her voice was desperate.

“No.”

“Surely the police must have found something by now!”

“These past days have been already hard for you. Josie will come back when the time is right.” She wasn’t happy with this answer. Josie was her godmother and she needed her. What if she needs me? It was something else she had to worry about. “You should go to the library and see if there is anything helpful there. Please take the book with you.”

“Which book?”

“You will know when you arrive there. Boys, please help me put together the supplies. Jox looked excited while Alden did not.

“She shouldn’t go alone”, said Alden as Kaltaine left the shop.

“She has great power. If in great danger, that power will protect her. Let’s just hope that the power is not bigger than her”. Jox gave him a little bag and told him to fill it with Hiyuin leaves.

Kaltaine felt guilty about lying to Barty. She knew she could trust him with anything, but this felt different. She didn’t think she had the strength to tell anyone what she believed she saw. Now she had to concentrate on finding the book. She felt confused about what Barty had told her, but just as curious to discover this book.

She entered the library that was so familiar to her. It was empty as nobody had been inside since she left. She felt chills going up her arms and a little sound was made by the wind coming from the little hole in the window corner. She walked by the books that were laid on the floor from the last time she had been there. Kaltaine climbed the stairs which would make an annoying sound with every step she took in order to get to the second floor, where her room was. There wasn’t much up there: a wooden bed with a nightstand as well as a wardrobe. She stepped on the deep green carpet. This color was traditional for those parts and could be seen around a lot. She went straight to the nightstand to take what she wanted. In the one drawer, there was a folded picture and a small leather bag with coins inside. She took them both. The photograph was one of her last memories of her family; and having money on them might be useful.

Now, the book. Of course, she had always loved books, but there was never a particular one that she would like to take with her. She walked between the bookcases. Nothing. She didn’t understand what book Barty was talking about. She sat on one of the red armchairs. Why do I have to take part in this? Why can’t I walk away? Why don’t I have a choice? Why won’t anybody tell me anything? Why? Tears invaded her eyes and her fists were clenched. I am fourteen, I don’t… I don’t want to. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She felt lost, confused. As she was crying, a book fell from a shelf nearby. It made a loud sound that caught Kaltaine’s attention so she walked there to pick it up. It was old, so old that the cover made of leather was falling apart and the pages were a deep shade of yellow. There was no author, just a title that was unreadable and an unknown sign. She opened it and recognized very little inside. The topic was probably the power of illusions. Is this it? Well, she didn’t have any other choice but to take this one and go meet up with the others.

Back at the herbal shop, the boys had already packed things and changed clothes. Jox was wearing a dark green shirt instead of his white one, and a brown belt with small bags like the ones Kaltaine had coins in attached to it. Alden looked the same and was packing some changes.

“You’re back!”, said Jox as his eyes fell on the book.” What’s that?”

“I’m not sure. Are we all packed?”, asked Kaltaine.

“Yes, you are. But please, Kal, change those clothes”, Barty interfered. “You will get the pants dirty in less than an hour and I hate seeing you in black. I left some clothes in the back. We won’t walk on you”, he smiled warmly.

When she came back, she was wearing brown pants and a tone down light green upper garment, with a brown poncho on top, and her hair tied up.

She left the familiar shop to meet up with the others at the front. She packed the items she had taken with her and said goodbye to Barty. She was full of sorrow, but had to keep it inside as they entered the forest, ready to embark on their adventure.


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Wed Jan 13, 2021 2:54 pm
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LUNARGIRL wrote a review...



"Kaltaine hit the hard ground as they arrived on the other side of the portal. A mix of emotions overwhelmed her and stopped her from getting up. She usually had all the answers but in the past few days she barely understood anything. There was a thought that haunted her and would probably haunt her for a long time. Why was her brother attacking them? She was lost in her own mind…"

Great start.

"She slowly got up and looked around her. Home…I’m home… They went down the pedestrian street that was so well known to her. It was a sunny day and a breeze of air was moving the bright green leaves of the trees. Old couples and a few tourists were taking the time for a stroll as there was almost nobody on the streets. Most of the people would be at work as it was around noon. She noticed a little green bird, all alone in its nest, looking too scared to fly away. But when she was finally ready and spread her wings, the color of the inside feathers revealed itself to be a beautiful purple. They passed by Miss Johnson’s boutique, The Bear Bakery and Saint John’s shoe shop. Everything looked so familiar to Kaltaine. If she wasn’t so deep in her thoughts she would take the time and enjoy the walk. To be fair, it wasn’t much of a walk. They were trotting fast and the boys seemed to know the town as well as Kaltaine and knew exactly where they were going. This seemed quite odd to Kal, but she didn’t question them about it. She was still thinking about her brother."

Great paragraph, I would have liked to know how long Kaltaine has lived there though. I also think more description is necessary for this paragraph because we don't know much about Kaltaine home town just in general. What do the store's look like that they passed? I think she should maybe try to guess where they are going, but that's just my opinion.

"She entered the library that was so familiar to her. It was empty as nobody had been inside since she left. She felt chills going up her arms and a little sound was made by the wind coming from the little hole in the window corner. She walked by the books that were laid on the floor from the last time she had been there. Kaltaine climbed the stairs which would make an annoying sound with every step she took in order to get to the second floor, where her room was. There wasn’t much up there: a wooden bed with a nightstand as well as a wardrobe. She stepped on the deep green carpet. This color was traditional for those parts and could be seen around a lot. She went straight to the nightstand to take what she wanted. In the one drawer, there was a folded picture and a small leather bag with coins inside. She took them both. The photograph was one of her last memories of her family; and having money on them might be useful."

Great paragraph, love all the description. I think you should add a moment when she walks into the library and has flashbacks when she looks at that she was sitting in the night everything changed, but feel free not to listen to that.

"Now, the book. Of course, she had always loved books, but there was never a particular one that she would like to take with her. She walked between the bookcases. Nothing. She didn’t understand what book Barty was talking about. She sat on one of the red armchairs. Why do I have to take part in this? Why can’t I walk away? Why don’t I have a choice? Why won’t anybody tell me anything? Why? Tears invaded her eyes and her fists were clenched. I am fourteen, I don’t… I don’t want to. Tears rolled down her cheeks. She felt lost, confused. As she was crying, a book fell from a shelf nearby. It made a loud sound that caught Kaltaine’s attention so she walked there to pick it up. It was old, so old that the cover made of leather was falling apart and the pages were a deep shade of yellow. There was no author, just a title that was unreadable and an unknown sign. She opened it and recognized very little inside. The topic was probably the power of illusions. Is this it? Well, she didn’t have any other choice but to take this one and go meet up with the others."

I think you should add more description of what the library looks like, or at least what the other books looked like when she was trying to look for "the book." I really like you description of the book when she finds it, but I feel like something is missing in it, but that is just what I think.




MoonIris says...


Thanks for the review!



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Sat Sep 26, 2020 12:55 pm
Liminality wrote a review...



This is a nice little chapter! I'll admit, I haven't read the previous chapters, but I'll limit my comments to things that apply to whatever I see here.

I like the colourful, whimsical world this takes place in. You've done a good job with the little details, like having specific colours relate to a region and naming all the shops around Kaltaine's hometown. They help make it seem like a high fantasy story. At the same time, there's also some realistic emotions here. I especially like the scene with Kaltaine's sadness about having to grow up too soon in her situation.

1. The "little green bird" that turns out to have purple wings is a nice image. Is it symbolic? If it is, it's a good symbol, because it is subtle and fits in with the setting description, which keeps it from being too heavy.

2. I would have liked a bit more description in "A mix of emotions". Is she feeling anger? Sadness? "A mix" is a bit vague, so it would be nice for the reader to have more to go off of, just so we know what mood Kaltaine is starting this chapter with.

3. I like how you've described Barty a lot, because it's very active, like a movie scene. For instance "cleaned his hands on the red striped apron" makes him have this working-man feel, but also lets us know he has a red striped apron without getting into a laundry list of clothing items.

4. "You will know when you arrive there . . . " --> That's a really dramatic line! I'd love to see it accompanied with more fanfare and description. Maybe a twinkle in the eye, if Barty is hinting at a good thing. Maybe a grim tone of voice, if it's meant to be something more ominous.

5. Starting a paragraph with "Now, the book." feels a bit awkward for me. I think it's because it sounds like an inner thought Kaltaine is having, but there's no word or phrase to show that like in the rest of the story. For most of the story, it seems that you're putting Kaltaine's thoughts at a distance, for example "She knew . . . " "A thought overwhelmed her . . . ". Maybe "She remembered the book" could work better?

6. The scene in the library is also really active, even though there's an inner monologue happening. I like that you've described her sitting down and clenching her fists - that helps us picture how she's feeling a lot.

Overall, this is a good pre-adventure chapter that develops the setting and lays out where exactly they're going. Importantly, it also shows how Kaltaine is feeling about it so we can see her character develop as the story unfolds. Hopefully you find some of these comments helpful and keep writing!

Cheers,
Liminality




MoonIris says...


Thanks for the review. The little green bird is symbolic. A mix od emotions is vague because she%u2019s not sure herself about her feellings. I found all your comments helpfull. Thanks again :)



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Fri Sep 18, 2020 12:48 pm
Overwatchful wrote a review...



Hello, Stormblessed here!
Wow, this is moving fast! Take some time, slow it down a bit. Most of this action has only happened in the span of twelve hours or so.
So Mr. Barty is from the magical world. Interesting reveal, but again, everything moved too fast for it to really sink in.
I am enjoying this story, and I can't wait for the next part! Your grammar is getting better, so great job!

Hope this helped!
Stormblessed242
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MoonIris says...


Thanks for the review. I know the story is moving fast and I did that intentionally. Because it happens so fast, she doesn%u2019t have time to understand herself, and all her feelings are getting mixed up. This might lead to something... Thanks again for the review.




Treat all disasters as if they were trivialities but never treat a triviality as if it were a disaster.
— Quentin Crisp