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The Wrong Era Chapter 6: Fortissimum Magia.

by Moalex

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

It was the first time the Asa siblings had ever been separated at all. Jennifer had a private jet for the sole purpose of getting where she needs to, so Cecilia was the first to depart. For Ren, she had to request a helicopter pick-up for him.

All of the other orphans (mostly between ages 4-6) crowded Cecilia, trying to get as much attention from her and saying their farewells. Of all the kids in the orphanage, she was without a doubt the favorite among the kids. They were sure to miss being used by Cecilia as weight training tools. These little rascals really loved taking turns sitting on Cecila’s back when she did push-ups.

“Will you write to us?”

“I don’t want you to go!”

“I can’t wait to get adopted too!”

“Is she your new mom?”

Jennifer offered to take a picture of everyone together so that Cecilia had something to remember them by. One large orphan family. Of course, Nanny was not in the picture. She was happy that the Asa siblings were finally leaving.

Despite the sibling’s plan of action, Ren still found it difficult knowing that Cecilia was about to disappear for a few years. He held her for an elongated period of time while squeezing her with irrepressible strength. Although she didn’t seem to care, most likely because the amount of strength he could squeeze out was but a fraction of what Cecilia could handle.

“If only Azel was here to be in the picture,” said Cecilia.

“You really miss her, huh?” Asked Ren.

Cecilia nodded, “She promised she’d write, but we haven’t gotten a single letter for a whole year.”

“I’m sure she’s alright. The couple that adopted her seemed nice and caring. I’m sure her new life is so good that she already forgot about us.”

“I’m going to slap her if that’s true,” said Cecilia.

His arms shook violently as he held her, and tears dripped on top of her head. He had embraced her plenty before, but this time he couldn’t bring himself to let her go. Even after he thought he was able to will himself to watch her leave, he ended up chasing after the car until it was no longer in sight. There she went, his baby sister that he cared for since the day she was born.

“Why aren’t you going with Cecilia?” Asked Ashley, one of the five year olds.

“I’m going to a different place than Cecilia,” said Ren.

“Why?” Ashley asked curiously.

“Because there are places that Cecilia needs to go to, and a special place where I need to go too,” Ren said in a comforting tone.

“So…, she’s going to save people and become a superhero?”

Ren snickered a bit, “Yes Ashley,” he gave her a pat on the head. “She might just become a superhero. How do you know that?”

“I heard you two talking with the strange lady yesterday. Are there bad guys out there?”

“For now, there won’t be after Cecilia beats them up,” said Ren.

This was for the best. After all, there was no “learning” with Cecilia’s regeneration magic. How do you even actively use it? As far back as Ren could remember, her regeneration magic has mostly been passive this entire time. Other than its natural healing abilities, Cecilia could use her tears, blood, and hair to heal other people. The methods of usage was dependant. If her blood and tears touched the wound, it would heal. If it was her hair, they had to digest it for it to work. But Cecilia already learned about it from Ren after his near death incident. Ren hadn’t expected Jennifer to be up and about, but this was the best possible result he could ask for. After all, if there was no learning about regeneration magic, then all Cecilia could do was learn to perfect Ki and train her martial powers. His years of research and theory crafting were finally rewarded.

At the day of Ren’s pick up, he was surprised to see the person that sat in the cabin with him. Professor Kaminari Kamui, the principal of Fortissimum Magia, the man in charge of Earth’s stand against the prophesied apocalypse. The only reason he even recognized the name was because Jennifer muttered it during their meeting. Not only was his name Japanese, but also his appearance. It was rare to find someone that had such a strong physical affinity to their heritage. In this day and age, everyone was a mix of everything, so ethnicity was often treated as a playful joke.

During the flight over to the magic academy, the first thing Prof. Kamui did was bombard him with a stack of paper. Whatever Jennifer wrote in her request for Ren’s pick-up, it left Prof. Kamui with huge expectations. It was a list of all the students regarding their personal information, magic, and activities. He wanted Ren to go over each student and organize teams whose abilities, history, and personality would utilize the best of everyone’s ability. Ren however put it aside for the school agenda, he was more interested in the daily schedule that Prof. Kamui organized. There had to be some special aspect to the school schedule if it best included training for students to use magic. He was right.

The Ten Commandments.

As far as Ren knew, the ten commandments were a religious set of principles given to Moses by God. Apparently Prof. Kamui decided to use it as titles for the top ten strongest students in the school. They possessed almost as much freedom and power as the principal. He understood the purpose of this. It was a nice incentive to push students to learn how to use their magic better. On top of that, your words and actions are basically law. With the freedom and power to do as you wish, nobody could defy you. The only way to obtain that life of indulgence was to fight for it. In order to protect their freedom, they need to constantly get stronger.

According to the list, the Ten Commandments went unchanged for the past three years. There seemed to be a bit of a power struggle at the beginning, but that was it.

“What happened here?” Ren pointed at the roster.

“What do you mean?” Asked Prof. Kamui.

“As in, why were there no changes in the past three years?“

“Ah, that… that’s, uh…”

Ren took a second look at the roster since Prof. Kamui’s tongue played twister. More specifically, the person who sat at the top of the academy- Amy Michelle Von Adalbert Sherman. It was no sherlock mystery to know this person came from a wealthy family, but after taking the time to read the names of the Ten Commandment roster, everyone’s name was unnecessarily long. It made Ren doubt himself. Did people in this age naturally have really long names? Nobody in the orphanage had long names like this. Were they just the oddballs of society? Either that or The Ten Commandments were occupied by only those of wealthy birth.

“You see…” Prof. Kamui finally uncoiled his tongue. “The school is currently under the rule of the wealthy’s despotism…”

Apparently those of wealthy birth have been dominant in the school. Blessed with early education, support, talent, skills, and magic, they displayed phenomenal results that others in the academy could not. Due to their superiority, the elites established territory over the school. While Prof. Kamui wished for a more egalitarian setting, there was nothing he could do. The elites abided by his very rules, and quickly used the Ten Commandment privileges to exact their wills.

Quite honestly, Ren found himself quite bored with the school’s endeavors. With the amount of freedom that the Ten Commandments gave, he was certain that he too would have taken advantage of it. The result was no surprise.

“Ah, but you don’t have to worry about the school’s civil conflict. After all, we just need you to better hone your tactics, and strategic abilities.”

Ren licked the tip of his finger and turned the next page of the paper in his hand. “What do you mean?”

“As you’ve already guessed, this school is for the magically gifted. There’s no reason for you to get involved with the issues of the students.”

Apparently Jennifer did not mention that Ren was capable of magic in her report. Now that he thought about it, he never used his magic in front of Jennifer. If anything, Jennifer probably requested for him to be put in a position where he could utilize the full potential of his intellect. There’s a large amount of elements to consider in the art of war, other than just a huge murder fest. He just thought that she knew he had magic, which was the reason why he was sent to the magic academy in the first place. Then again, this would serve as a delectable surprise when he took the top seat for himself. Jennifer mentioned that everyone there would hardly be a challenge to Cecilia. In that case, there was no way anyone could be stronger than him, since he had never lost a fight to Cecilia.

The plane landed without a hitch. A remote island in the middle of nowhere of the ocean. It was very modernized, kind of like Honolulu, except much smaller. From the runway, he could see the school, as well as a large clock tower that stood tall in the center. As they got closer, it became clear that the clock tower resembled the Big Ben in London. It was surrounded by classrooms that formed the corners of a square. The student dorms were constructed outside of the classroom perimeters, and in the far back opposite of the runway was the arena where mock battles took place.

“Ren! This way,” Prof. Kamui called out.

He didn’t want to go in the direction that Prof. Kamui lead him. The school, the students, the new area, the desire to explore the area and meet new people was much more riveting.

He walked over to the closest classroom and took a peek through the windows. There were actual students in chairs and desks learning from teachers in a proper school setting. Something about this scene stirred a nostalgic feeling inside. There was a time when he looked forward to doing something like this. A time where all his friends gathered, and they would spend the whole day with the teacher until their parents came to pick him up.

The large clock tower rang, startling Ren in the middle of his reminiscence. The campus flooded with students from their respective classrooms. This was the first time Ren had ever seen so many kids and teens out and about at one time. From what Ren could see, everyone was either teens or kids. Was he in the junior high/elementary section of the school? More importantly, why wasn’t anyone talking to each other. There were no smiles or laughter, everyone looked miserable. Was this a normal school setting? There seemed to be a traffic pattern to the way the students walked too. That’s when it occurred to Ren that the traffic pattern revolved around students in expensive and gaudy clothes, giving them a sort of private bubble. Which happen to also make it obvious that those students were the only ones that socialized, and only with each other.

There was no doubt about it. This was the territorial dominance that Prof. Kamui mentioned on the flight here.

After a few minutes, there was a change in the student traffic. All the students pressed against each other and compacted towards the clock tower. Ren was surprised by how fast the traffic changed. Had it not been for the shouting from the center of this huge student ring, he would have thought this was coordinated.

“Hah! You call that a threat? Is there anything you can say without bringing your daddy into the argument? Do something on your own for once!” The tone of that remark was definitely a female.

“Excuse you, and your entire lineage? You and your household should be ashamed that you weren’t born a son!” That one was a boy.

Ren pushed and squeezed his way through to the front row. He was way too curious about this to stay on the outskirts. Just as he shimmied his way through to the front, the boy in the heated argument had his hand raised and ready to strike. As expected by the way they spoke and their clean clothes, it was two nobles. Nonetheless, Ren didn’t like what he saw. The girl already had some dirt smeared and grass clung onto her clothes. He stepped forward, and grabbed the boy’s wrist in mid-swing. Every single student in the crowd, gasped in sync.

“Oi, did you just raise your hand against a girl?” Ren asked.

“What did you just say?” His eyes were bloodshot, and the popped veins on his temple were impossible to ignore.

“I said piss off you obnoxious dung beetle,” Ren released his grip and wiped his hand on his ragged shirt.

“How... dare you! Do you any idea who you’re speaking to!?”

“Only the most foul mammal in the entire world. Do you realize how toxic you look? Hitting and berating a girl in public like that? Is that how you treat your mother? Do you beat her too? Is that how you were raised? I bet even dogs can’t even bring themselves to like you.”

“You little--”

“Break it up you two!” Yelled Prof. Kamui. He put himself between the two boys.

“I am terribly sorry about this Mr. Ainsworth. Please forgive Ren’s behavior just now. He is new to the island and does not know the local conduct.”

“Absolutely not! This pleb not only sullied my garb, but humiliated me in public! I will have his head without question, and that is final!”

Ainsworth, Ren saw the name on the list of the Ten Commandments. He was the second seat, directly below the first.

“Mr. Ainsworth, please mind your temper and the boundary of your actions. Your seat grants power over the students of the academy as well as your personal freedom, not outsiders.”

“In that case, how about this?” Ren walked around Prof. Kamui and put himself in front of Ainsworth. “You can have my head, but only if you agree to forfeit your position as the Ten Commandment to me.”

The entire crowd gasped and went rampant with gossip.

It took a couple of seconds for Ainsworth to process what he had heard, but he roared with laughter. He even had to hold himself to stop himself from falling over.

Prof. Kamui leaned in and agitatedly whispered into Ren’s ear, “What are you doing? You are a valuable strategist! Not a fighter!”

Ren pretended to not hear Prof. Kamui and waited for Ainsworth to accept his offer. After all, there was nothing for Ainsworth to lose. He had offered a death match proposal in front of hundreds of witnesses. Even if Ainsworth took his head, it was on his own terms. Of course, if Ainsworth lost, he would lose his seat as second, but that would never cross his mind. After all, his position as second seat and a noble made him believe he was invincible.

“I hope you have your last will written, that’s if you even have possession of anything,” Ainsworth cackled. “I accept! We duel at the school arena in thirty minutes!”

The entire school erupted with everyone’s voices, and everyone ran straight to the arena. There was no going back on this, and there was nothing Prof. Kamui could do to prevent this from happening.

Prof. Kamui personally escorted Ren to the challenger’s room of the arena, is what it looked like. When it actuality, he was doing his best to persuade Ren to apologize. After all, he was the principal of the school, he could negotiate directly with Ainsworth’s father.

“Ren, please don’t do this. I beg of you, your value as a tactician and strategist is immeasurable. I know of your achievement with your little sister, and Jennifer even mentioned in her report that you were able to deduce the prophesized apocalypse through bits of your history and theory crafting. Please reconsider and apologize to Ainsworth, it’s not too late to call this match off!”

“My worth and value as operations is scaled to how pragmatic and compliant my chess pieces are. Look at your students! Do you really expect them to be able to protect the end of the world in their sorry state?”

“That is why it is your job to evaluate and discern how to best raise the level and moral of the students!”

“And I am already doing my job!” Ren scowled. “Do you really think I haven’t noticed it yet Prof. Kamui? The only reason this hierarchy even exists is because the students here don’t know that you are preparing them to fight an apocalypse. If they knew what was to come, the Ten Commandments wouldn’t have monopolized your school and turned everyone into impoverished slaves. At the same time, you can’t just tell everyone that you’re trying to turn them all into soldiers to fight to the death. Parents will demand all of their children to return home! The only way to repair the damage done by the Ten Commandments is to overthrow their hierarchy, and restart from scratch. You’ve already lost three years of potential training because of the very system that you established.”

When Prof. kamui realized that he could not convince Ren, he had no choice but to leave for the commentator’s seat. For an official match, they needed someone to introduce Ren, and there was no other person here that knew him.

For whatever reason, the girl that Ren protected earlier tagged along. Didn’t speak a word or anything, simply observed him in silence. Even in the locker room, she didn’t take her eyes off him. He didn’t care though, there were more important things at hand, such as whether he should reveal he had magic or not. He already knew how to defeat Ainsworth thanks to the papers Prof. Kamui handed to him. He knew exactly what type of magic Ainsworth had, and how to counter it.

“Good afternoon ladies and gentlemen, thank you all for coming. My name is Alexis Corona, beside me is none other than our principal Prof. Kamui, and we are your commentators for today’s sudden and first ever deathmatch!” Alexis announced calmly and monotonous. It was bland and spiceless, absolutely no hype or flavor in her words. “I’m sure everyone in the school already knows the reason for today’s dual, but there’s no information in our database regarding the new student. Prof. Kamui, would you kindly indulge us?”

Ren nearly fell asleep thanks to this commentator. She couldn’t be any more boring. Commentator’s were supposed raise excitement, not spread z’s.

Prof. Kamui cleared his throat into the microphone a couple of times. “Ah, yes. His name is Ren Asa. An orphan we invited for his remarkable strategic abilities and foresight. A child with great potential that we hope to see flourish in the future.”

Half of the academy in the audience laughed.

“I see,” Alexis did her best to hold her snicker in, but a bit of it escaped into the mic. “And what type of magic does he possess?”

“Unfortunately, as far as our network goes, he does not possess any magic.”

The audience laughed even harder.

Alexis herself could no longer hold herself back, but forced herself to speak through her chortle. “Yes... I believe I speak for all of us when I say that he indeed has ‘special’ abilities and foresight.”

Prof. Kamui went quiet and the laughter in the arena only grew louder. Which was fine in Ren’s opinion because the surprise would only throttle once he won. He just needed to decide whether or not he wanted to reveal his magic.

“In that case, I believe it is only natural that I introduce his opponent to provide a fair match,” said Alexis. “Today, Ren’s foe will be none other than the second seat of the Ten Commandments, Nicholas Doban Ainsworth the Fourth! He possesses crystal magic and often uses it for deception. However, that’s not stopping him from using it offensively, and defensively. So Ren, if you can hear me in the prep room, do us a favor and at least put on a good struggle to make up our wasted time.”

That was it, that was all Ren needed to decide whether or not he was going to use magic.

The contenders met at the center of the arena. From what Ren could tell,the outside was modeled after the colosseum in Rome, but that was about it. The audience sat on large stone bleachers, and the battle ground was a circle with a radius of about fifty feet in all directions.

The referee announced the wages and conditions of their fight. A one-sided deathmatch where Ainsworth was permitted to take Ren’s head. In turn, if Ren won the fight, he would take Ainsworth’s seat in the Ten Commandment ranking. As for the wages, there was someone that voted for Ren to win. A single person and that person bet ten grand. In comparison, the bets for Ainsworth was well over a million already with more than a hundred votes.

This academy continued to surprise Ren in disappointing ways, and he wished it would stop. This was not what he had in mind when Jennifer confirmed his suspicions of the academy. He did not expect the nobles here to have sunk so low as to turn fights like this into profit. Yet, they are sullying their chances of survival by oppressing the poor.

The referee dropped his hand and blew his whistle. Immediately, the arena itself began to topple and fold in symmetrical ways. The audience that surrounded them were now above and below Ren. The sky replaced the ground, the ground replaced the sky, and duplicates of the referee split from the original. In fact, everything seemed to have split into multiple dimensions except for Ainsworth. He disappeared completely.

Hundreds of lasers shot from random directions at Ren. They came from the front, from behind, above him, below- everywhere and from nowhere. Rather than being amazed, Ren was more confused by how crystal magic could possibly shoot lasers and mirror such accurate images. This must have been what the commentator meant by deception and offensive use. Despite the hundred of beams, none of them seemed to inflict any damage upon touch. In fact, only one of them did any damage and it hit the ground. It didn’t seem very destructive either, the ground had a circular black mark and sizzled, but that was it.

“Right from the get-go, Ainsworth unleashed his illusion maze upon Ren. All the disrespect from earlier must have really put him on edge. This must be his way of saying he plans on toying with Ren until he’s satisfied.” Alexis commentated.

Half of the audience applauded and cheered. From what Ren could tell, that half of the audience were nobles. Once more, lasers appeared everywhere, and again only one of them dealt any real damage. This time the attack burned a small circle in his left thigh and left a black mark, but that was just about it. If anything, it felt something akin to accidentally touching an iron or a hot stove. Ren ignored it to inspect the duplications all around him. The audience applauded at the same time, all of them. The horizontal duplicate, the vertical duplicate, everything the audience did, all of it mirrored each other. Did illusions work that way? He continued to play dumb and helpless at Ainsworth’s so called illusion and laser attacks. There was something else at play. Something that nobody else knew. Ren looked for the black hole on the ground, and looked at all the other dimensions around him. Just as he had suspected, the burn on the ground was also reflected in all the other images around him.

WIth that, Ren figured what Ainsworth’s true magic was. His only issue was to discern where Ainsworth was positioned. Then again, Ren himself had not moved at all since the fifteen seconds of the fight had started. He looked forward in the same direction his body faced. Once so, he darted forward with his arm stretched out. Three meters into his charge, he had grabbed something despite what his eyes lead him to believe. Ainsworth had let out a surprised gasp at Ren’s sudden charge.

“And somehow, Ren was able to locate and grab Ainsworth in the illusion!”

Alexis was a lot dumber than Ren thought. Without a doubt, he would give her his thanks later. Ren quickly punched Ainsworth with his other hand. He could not allow Ainsworth to escape his grip. If he did, he’d lose any chances of winning.

Ainsworth let out a painful cry as Ren’s punch made contact. From what his fist felt, he hit the left shoulder. With just a bit of change in angles, his knuckles met Ainsworth’s nose, and he let out another painful cry. Ren threw a third punch, then a fourth. He continued to punch Ainsworth over and over again until his knuckles were dyed red, which happened to be when the illusion magic finally dispersed and returned Ren’s surrounding to normal.

Ainsworth laid motionless on the ground with a mask of blood. The crowd was silent, and even Alexis was speechless.

“C--co--contestant Ainsworth is down!!” The referee declared and blew his whistle.

Half of the audience went into an uproar at the result.

“He didn’t use any magic!”

“He’s a cheater!”

“How dare you lay your hands on Ainsworth!”

That entire half of the audience rioted. They threw their concession snacks and drinks at Ren, though none of them actually reached him.

Ren’s eye twitched at this ugly sight of sore losers who refused to accept what had just happened in front of them. So, he walked over to the referee who seemed too scared to move and stole the mic from him.


The speakers were so loud, it shook the arena. Those who stood up from their seats fell over with their hands over their ears.

“Attention please,” said Prof. Kamui. “Now that you’ve all quieted down, please allow me to lay down the verdict. If you’ve all read the terms of the fights in the arena, you’ll find that there’s no rule stating that the contestants aren’t allowed to fight without magic. In fact, I’m sure we have a few students who infuse magic with hand-to-hand combat as well. Therefore, Ren’s victory is valid!”

An eerie silence clung the arena. Nobody wanted to accept Ren’s win. At least, all of those of noble birth. It was obvious they couldn’t accept a victory from a commoner. Even more so since it was a victory over the second seat. However, there was still one more person that represented them. The one who sat at the very top of the academy.

They began to whisper to each other.

Ren already had an idea of who and where the number one seat of the Ten Commandments was. He turned around, and there she was. The girl that he protected earlier with the dirt and smudge stain on her clothes. She walked out of the challenger’s room that Ren changed in. Did he know that she was the number one? Not immediately, all Ren saw was a guy about to hit a girl, and that made him step in. He couldn’t get over his protective habit and interrupted a fight between the top two seats of the academy.

He stood about three inches taller than her. If he had to guess, she was either older or the same age as him. The first remark out of her mouth ticked him off.

“Kind of short for a boy, aren’t you?”

“I’ve got about a year or two left in me,” he responded. He was certain she was fooling around with him, he’s fifteen at 5 '10. He thought he was at a rather good height.

“I take it you know what Ainsworth’s magic is?” She asked.

“Photons. They call it crystal magic because that’s what solidified light particles take the shape of.”

Amy nodded at his answer. She averted her eyes for a brief moment before she looked back at Ren. “Explain.”

“His so called illusion maze is actually fractals, created by multiple large crystals to reflect the surrounding area. His laser attacks are just heavily concentrated particles that push things away, the photopheresis effect. The reason why there were hundreds of lasers is because the fractals reflect the lasers like a mirror. In the end, his fractals did nothing but reflect the bounce of his lasers to confuse the person trapped. Only the initial spell casted by Ainsworth would deal any real damage. ”

The color of Amy’s face seemed to have shifted pigment after his explanation, a slight flush of red. Not just that, but her body posture as well. She pulled her arms behind her back and held her wrist.

“What gave his abilities away?” Asked Amy.

“The name and the burnt circles on the ground. I don’t know why anyone would call it crystal magic if he could shoot lasers. On top of that, illusions don’t copy each other’s every move. Only reflections do.”

“That’s it?” Amy said, surprised at his reasons.

“That’s it.”

Amy tilted her head down and smiled. “I see,” she said ever so softly under her breath.

“And how did you know where Ainsworth was in the reflection? He uses his magic to bend light and make himself invisible.”

“Don’t be absurd. He probably never had a real fight in his life, and his confidence in his magic prevents him from making any strategic positioning. Someone with that much pride and ego wouldn’t move if he can simply trap his target and make himself invisible.”

Amy placed the tip of her fingers on her lower lip and let out a rather lewd but curious gasp.

“So what? Are you going to fight me now to protect the monarchy you rich kids created?”

Amy giggled, then hopped over to Ren and whispered in his ear. “I have a proposal…”

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Sun Sep 29, 2019 11:49 pm
Liberty wrote a review...

Heya Moalex!

Hope you're doing well today or tonight, depending on what side of the world you're on, obviously. I'm here to give you a review for Review Day! Let's get started, now, shall we? Alright!

So, first of all, know that I have not read the first few chapters.

Now, onto the actual review. ^^

Now, I like the plot. I can see that they are in an orphanage and they leave at some point just like Cecelia did, so that's nice. You did a great job with your tenses, capitalization, punctuation, grammar and the whole deal. Bravo! This seems like it's heading off to a good start. And this Ren and Amy character? I like it. Interesting people. ;)

There is only one thing I would like to point out tonight, is that you don't quote tell us in teh beginning part about where they are standing or sitting. Like the conversation with the prof and the little moment with Cecilia. It's sort of confusing as to where they are, so maybe add a bit of description for that. :)

Anyways, I'm done with my review! I hope this helped in one way or the other. Of course, if you have any questions, feel free to ask me whenever! And I hope to see more from you soon!

And as always...

Keep on writing and Happy Review Day!


Moalex says...

Hi Liberty! Thanks for the review, will make changes and adjustments to accordingly to make the chapter better.

Liberty says...

Of course!

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Sun Sep 29, 2019 11:49 pm
tgirly wrote a review...

“I heard you two talking with the strange lady yesterday. Are there bad guys out there?”

“For now, there won’t be after Cecilia beats them up,” said Ren.

This is a really small thing, and I'm only commenting on it because your dialogue is already really impressive and natural sounding. But when people respond, they don't have to respond quite this directly to what the person before them said. Like instead of saying "For now, there won't be after Cecilia beats them up", you can't just say "There won't be after Cecilia beats them up", because the yes is implicit in that statement. There are a couple other places like that in here, but some of them are a bit more grey, this is the one that stood out to me as most unnecessary.

Not only was his name Japanese, but also his appearance. It was rare to find someone that had such a strong physical affinity to their heritage. In this day and age, everyone was a mix of everything, so ethnicity was often treated as a playful joke

You do such a great job of sprinkling in moments of world-building in nice small chunks really naturally. This small detail feels us in on so much about the culture of the world they're living in now, and a good deal of the history it probably took to get to that point.

“Hah! You call that a threat? Is there anything you can say without bringing your daddy into the argument? Do something on your own for once!” The tone of that remark was definitely a female.

“Excuse you, and your entire lineage? You and your household should be ashamed that you weren’t born a son!” That one was a boy.

I wonder if there's a way for you to note the gender of the speakers that would sound more fluid. Perhaps describing each voice with a bit more detail would help? Like what type of feminine voice is it? What type of masculine?

Prof. Kamui went quiet and the laughter in the arena only grew louder. Which was fine in Ren’s opinion because the surprise would only throttle once he won. He just needed to decide whether or not he wanted to reveal his magic.

At this point, I need to see a little bit more about what's going on in Ren's head. Can he think out a bit more thoroughly what advantages he would have for showing vs not showing his magic, because as the reader, I'm not sure I understand the stakes of the decision.

I love that he is able to fight Ainsworth without using any magic; it was a great scene for showing Ren's ability to strategize. A good character-building moment.

Great work once again!

Moalex says...

Hi Tgirly! Thank you for the review Will make changes and adjustments accordingly to make the chapter better.

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Sat Sep 14, 2019 6:35 pm
Dreamy wrote a review...

Well, didn’t I take my time to review this.

Okay, when you say Ren ran behind the car that Cecilia was in it made me ask why? Especially since he knew very well that it was all for good, for better. So how about a long good-bye hug and a little bit of conversation thrown in to actually let the readers feel the separation on more intimate level? You know, all that show vs tell stuff.

And when you begin the Ten commandments scene why don’t you set up the scene first, as in, where are Ren and Prof? Are they sitting? Is Prof drinking tea? How nervous is Ren? What is the state of the other kids in the orphanage since Prof has come to pick Ren up from there? On the same note, whatever happened to the woman who runs the orphanage? And also the kids in the orphanage. It’s like Ren and Cecilia are the only two. Anyway, introducing Prof’s ethnicity through Ren’s inquisitive mind would be better, I think.

It was no sherlock mystery to know this person came from a wealthy family,

To know that this…?

Okay, I’m writing the review as I’m reading. I didn’t quite make the connection there. Are Ren and Prof in the helicopter? Is it where he’s flipping through the pages and noticed Ten commandment? See when you say Jen requested for the helicopter and Prof came to escort him, I thought he came all the way to the orphanage to pick him? I’m just so confused to where the scenes are taking place now. :o I’m so sorry!

“How... dare you! Do you any idea who you’re speaking to!?”

I’m not sure if it’s just the way he speaks or if there’s actually a typo: “Do you have…”

Prof persuading Ren, it could have some dialogues of how it went. The commentators voice was boring, ok, but you could say how it sounded. Was it lazy or sing-a-song sleep inducing?

that was all Ren needed to decide whether or not he was going to use magic or not.

More lasers shot at him from all directions, and only one inflicted any real damage.

The second part is repetitive.

The rest I loved! The deathmatch scene was very lively. I loved it very much. I can almost see it being picturised. ;) I bet it will be super cool to see it in the big screens. Though, I would have liked if you had mentioned how the arena looked like, even a single line would do the job; where the commentators sat. Like, Ren standing in the middle and taking in his surroundings and such.

Let me make it very clear that all of these things are only suggestions and I'm sorry if I was rude.

PM me if you need any clarifications. Keep up the good job!

Cheers! :D

Moalex says...

Hi Dreamy! Thanks for the review! I more or less understand what you're saying. Pretty much fleshing out the scenes rather than being very vague about it. I read in a new writer's blog that it's not good to give long and arduous descriptions of things because it becomes dragged and boring for the reader. So I've been trying to moderate how much detail I put in. (Apparently I don't put in in enough.) I will try to flesh out the chapter more for a more vivid picture, can expect a revision by the weekend.

For the dialogue part; yes, it is just how he speaks.

Dreamy says...

Yes, try to put enough description in because right now it reads more like a summary of a story.

Until next time. :)

Moalex says...

Chapter has been updated, and fleshed out a bit more. I would love to hear if its better, but if you don't want to read over the same chapter, it's fine.

Every empire tells itself and the world that it is unlike all other empires.
— Edward Said