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The Wrong Era Chapter 5: Hero turned Villain

by Moalex

Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Cecilia woke up in her bed drenched in sweat. The sun burned brightly, much hotter than usual. She raised her hand up and rotated back and forth. She was...asleep. When was the last time she slept so solemnly like this? Never, this was a first. Jennifer Reese knocked her out when they fought because they had to finish up their fight. Speaking of which, with the power of Ki, she detected said person’s presence in the orphanage. More specifically in the living room.

She made ruckus rushing down the stairs while dressing herself up the process, practically banging herself against the walls every step of the way. Ren and Jennifer were seated in the living room with a mountain of takeout stacked on the floor. She joined them, as they seemingly had something important to discuss. In her case, she was conflicted between the discussion and the takeouts.Jennifer was still covered head to toe, not a single millimeter of her body was revealed except for her face and the front strands of her hair now that they sat directly across from each other. Even then, it was difficult to see due to the hood. Ren was able to catch a glimpse of her eyes though. They were...eerie. The iris and pupil were both grayed out into a hazy spectral. It looked like she could stare into your soul and consume it.

“I suppose I should start with an apology,” said Jennifer.

Her voice was still as haunting as the first time she spoke. Even though Ren had already gone through introductions when Jennifer first arrived, it still sent shivers down his spine.

“Forgive me for the sudden violence yesterday.”

“Had Cecilia been any other person, you would have killed them in the first second of the fight,” Ren crossed his arms. “Apology accepted though.”

“But of course. I wouldn’t have fought anyone like that unless it was Cecilia. After all, only those who use Ki can tell when they’ve sensed each other’s presence.”

Ren looked coldly at Cecilia, who was now on her seventeenth plate. She gave a quick glance at Ren, but pretended their eyes didn’t meet. She knew that Ren knew that she already knew who Jennifer was as soon as she dropped from the sky.

“I’m sure you have a lot of questions, but first, I believe introductions are in order,” said Jennifer.

“We already know who you are,” said Ren.

“Jennifer Reese. The woman that single handedly ended the war between the Laggers and the Innovators. You were granted the title “Legion” and deemed the strongest human recorded in history,” Cecilia said in a single breath with her mouth full of food.

“My!” Jennifer said, astonished. “I thought after all these years everyone had forgotten about me.”

“My little sister saw your tutorials and trained every day just so she could have the chance to fight you.”

Jennifer directed her attention towards Cecilia, who was now on her nineteenth plate of food somehow. “Curious. It’s not everyday I meet a girl who enjoys fighting as much as I do.”

“That’s because I want to be a hero like you!” She said cheerfully with her mouth full. She was stuck in a struggle between fan-girling and eating.Her remark left Jennifer silent; Ren knew it all too well. It was the same silence he retreated to when Cecilia said she wanted to be a hero like him long ago. Something happened to Jennifer, and that lead to the disappearance of “Legion.” If Ren had to guess, now that she returned, something was about to happen. The abomination yesterday was proof that it had already started.

“I am no hero,” said Jennifer. “And you should aspire to something else other than that.”

Ren was surprised by Jennifer’s words. So even she couldn’t handle it.

Cecilia’s fork stopped just inches before her mouth. Her head jerked backwards slowly as if someone flicked her forehead. “What happened to you?”

If it wasn’t already obvious enough, everything had changed about Jennifer. Personality, voice, appearance- completely different in comparison to her bright and shining figure from her celebrity days. From optimistic and confident to negative and weary, a lovely high voice that everyone loved to hear, to a ghostly hollow. Her beautiful curves and slender body that made everybody jealous and lust for her, now covered and hidden under a layer of thick and dirty clothes.

Ren guessed that the burdens of being a hero crashed down on Jennifer, and she couldn’t handle it. He could be wrong though, everything was up for interpretation until she decided to share. He looked at Cecilia, who appeared to have taken a break from the food, and now participated actively in this short bit of the meeting. He had expected her to go crazy and fangirl over Jennifer, but it was clear to both of them that the Jennifer they knew was no more.

“A lot of things, but that’s not important,” responded Jennifer.

“I think it’s very important,” Cecilia snapped. She placed her twentieth takeout container down and leaned forward with her elbows on her knee. “I can’t ignore the current ‘you’ that’s in front of me. The Jennifer I knew was a shining example of a positive and active life. Jennifer Reese motivated people to become better and stronger than the person they were yesterday. I don’t know what happened to you, but no one can help you if you stay reserved and disappear for over a decade. So you have to either open up and change, or stay the way you are. Your choice.”

Taken aback by Cecilia’s words, there was a short moment of silence before Jennifer responded. “You’re quite mature for your age.”

“You can thank Ren here for ruining my childhood.” Cecilia returned her attention to the takeout.

“What did you do to her?”

“I raised her,” Ren said proudly. “With no finance, education, or proper guidance, our future is grim.”

“So you sacrificed your childhood and adolescence.”

Ren nodded. “A small sacrifice if it meant we could get a head start for the future. I made a promise to my dad after all.” He patted Cecilia’s head, who returned to eating. “To look after her.”

“No child should ever be burdened with such responsibility.”

The room fell silent again. Jennifer’s last words sunk deeply into Ren. It was the same message everyone around him always told him. He knew they were right, but it was a mistake they couldn’t afford to make. In order to avoid struggles in the future, they had to start as early as possible. In order to secure a prosperous occupation, they had to develop skills immediately, and forgo childish and immature habits.

“Anyways, why are you here?” Asked Ren. “What was that ‘thing’ Cecilia fought yesterday?”

“That ‘thing’ that Cecilia fought yesterday is an abomination. A mindless creature that only knows how to kill.”

“That’s... not quite right,” Cecilia interjected. “This ‘abomination’ was once human. Our Ki ability let’s use detect heat signatures of living things, and humans generally have the same feeling.”

Jennifer let out a long and loud breath of air that made it obvious how annoyed she was to hear that.

“I’m... sure she already knows that,” said Ren.

“It was a person. The abomination is the result of a mutation due to a child gifted with magic using too much magic.”

Ren held his breath and Cecilia stopped eating at that piece of information.

“Are you saying, we’ll end up like that one day?” Cecilia.

“Not necessarily. So long as you control how much magic you use, your body won’t mutate. First symptoms of mutation are the loss of feeling in a limb. So long as you take a break and not use any magic after the first symptom, you’ll be fine. Once your body undergoes the first stage of puberty, any chance of mutation is zero.”

Cecilia trembled all over. It wasn’t very obvious, but it was the first time Ren had seen Cecilia react like this; except when it was cold.

“What about Cecilia then?” Asked Ren. “As far as I know her magic is active at all times, and she’s never shown any of those symptoms.”

“Cecilia? She possesses magic?” Jennifer asked, shocked at the fact.

What seemed at first was a slight disappointment, instead brought a disgustingly happy sneer on Ren’s face. He had higher expectations of Jennifer Reese, he figured that someone of her caliber and a fight with Cecilia would have made it obvious she had magic. At the same time, he had never felt so giddy before. He tried to hold himself back, could not contain his hearty laughter. After all, this was his moment to finally show off off his intelligence. All those years of theories, research, and craft, he had no one to share it with. There was Cecilia, but she often fell asleep within three minutes of speech.

“In that case, let me tell you everything about us!” Ren boasted. “Let me tell you how Cecilia was able to learn Ki in only five years, Legion!” He bragged and pointed at her. “How long have you been practicing martial art?”

She sat silently for a moment, probably to count the years that went by. That said, he only asked her for a more dramatic effect. To include his audience into his little speech. He already knew the answer. She started at the age of five, and her most notable achievement, Ki, was discovered at twenty-five. Which meant fifty-five years since she started. All of her history was on the internet after all.

“I’d estimate fifty-five years,” said Jennifer.

“Fifty-five years,” Ren repeated. “A year is three hundred and sixty-five days, excluding leap years. That’s 20,075 days for you in total. A day has twenty-four hours, that makes total 481,800 hours. If you were to deduct that amount with two days of rest a week, and twelve hours of other activities on the same day you practice martial arts, is it safe to say you practiced approximately 172,260 hours your entire life?”

“I can safely say I’m impressed with your arithmetic, but go on,” Jennifer praised.

“Cecilia here has only practiced for five years, ever since a particular accident. That is 1825 days, that is 43,800 hours of training! With only five years of training, she has covered a quarter of your entire martial art career!”

“You never--”

“Shh,” Ren pushed his finger at Jennifer. He sneered after the room went silent. “There’s a reason why I never applied the same formula to her. You see, this is where Cecilia’s magic comes into play; regeneration magic.”

“Regeneration?” Jennifer repeated blandly.

“From the sound of your tone, you’re trying to understand why regeneration is the key. I understand, all of us humans have regeneration built into our DNA, but Cecilia is special. Her regeneration doesn’t simply heal injuries. It restores everything about her! Every injury she suffers is recovered at a godly rate, every stamina she uses is instantly replenished. In fact, her regeneration magic is so powerful that it even prevents the release of melatonin!”



“So she can’t sleep?” Asked Jennifer.

“Unfortunately not. The thing about Cecilia’s regeneration is that it prevents any form of weakening. Weariness, and exhaustion can be considered a form of weakness, so her regeneration magic prevents her from ever feeling fatigue.”

“I see, go on.”

“When the human body rests, your body replenishes itself. Rest too much, and your body weakens. However, her magic prevents her body from growing weaker. So what happens when you have a martial artist who can never feel fatigued. A martial artist who is constantly exercising at 100%, or even 300% at all times! A martial artist who never weakens no matter how much she lazes around!

“Over the years that I trained Cecilia, I devised impossible training regimen for normal people due to human limitations. Cecilia can disregard any normal human limitations! She’s the ultimate form of a limit breaker!

“Earlier, I mentioned that her regeneration magic prevents her from producing melatonin. Well, guess what, every night when everybody is asleep, Cecilia spends that time in deep meditation. Unfortunately that’s the closest thing she can get to actively trying to sleep. As far as I know, Cecilia uses that deep meditation time to mentally imagine fights. At least, I think she still does that. Regardless, she has toughened not only her physical, but also her mental state as well.”

“I see, so the reason why Cecilia isn’t a hulking mass of muscle is thanks to her regeneration magic,” Jennifer joined in. “Muscles gain mass from swelling and blood transporting nutrients. For her, there is no swelling. Her body merely adapts and change according to how much she consumes.”

They both looked at Cecilia, who seemed embarrassed at the fact that Ren was boasting about her, and hid her face behind the takeout box.

“I expect nothing less from the woman who holds the title of “Legion.” Once again! If we were to compare the 172,260 hours of training you did to Cecilia’s 43,800 hours. She completed a quarter of your entire life’s training. Now think about this, how much training did you do by the age of ten? By your age, Cecilia trained three times more than you did. In fact, she has the same amount of hours you spent at the age of fifteen. That’s not even including the fact that Cecilia has been able to train without ever feeling encumbered by fatigue and strain.”

“That explains all the food she ate in the past ten minutes,” Jennifer joked.

Throughout the entire speech, Cecilia had consumed three more plates of takeout and was now on her twenty-sixth plate.

Jennifer gripped her hands on top of her knees, and tilted her head down.

“I admit, it’s hard to believe that there’s someone out there like Cecilia.”

“Is it?” Asked Ren. “Just so you know, I’m not done yet. I have a lot of things to say.”

There was no reaction from Jennifer, but her silence alone told him that he had the green light.

“How did you know the abominations are magically gifted children who used too much magic?”

That question alone made Jennifer look up and give him her undivided attention.

“Why children to be exact? How do you know we won’t mutate when we’re adults? Where are you getting this information from?”

“How much do you know?” Asked Jennifer.

Ren leaned forward with his elbows on his knees, and chin nested atop his hands.

“I think you’re preparing us for something,” said Ren. “I was five during the Bloody Holiday. I saw an angel, it heard my prayer after an unfortunate incident with Cecilia.”

Cecilia choked on her food after a huge swallow. She then stacked her plate on top of whatever amount it was now.

“Angels aren’t supposed to exist, right? They’re mythical, religious beings created by human fantasy. They’re the messengers of God, a deity that humans pray to and seek guidance from. A higher being brewed by our figment of imagination to provide relief and answers when there are none. They aren’t supposed to exist. Yet, I saw one before my very eyes.

“As I raised Cecilia, it became apparent to me that we weren’t alone in this world. I didn’t know if I was crazy or not, but the fact that magic existed and the Bloody Holiday occurred was a very strong anchor. But... you know what sealed the deal? What convinced me that something was going on behind the scenes?

“The magic academy “Fortissimum Magia,” a school dedicated to those with magic. There’s no information about it no matter where I look. At first, I thought I just imagined it, but I was able to confirm its existence from parents who sent their children off to this tuition free academy. I don’t care about the two of us not being invited to this school, what concerns me is the completion of it. Four years after the Bloody Holiday, while the world rebuilt itself, the school made its appearance. Four years after the tragedy! The exact same time magically gifted individuals discovered their abilities. That’s awfully quick for a large study abroad school, coincidence much?

“But the bigger question is, why? Why is this magic academy necessary? We live in a highly advanced society. Our technology reached the point where everything takes place in VR. In fact, it’s not farfetched to say that our technology is more magical than magic itself. So why is it necessary for a school to dedicate this newfound power? An ability that applies only to the real world. To teach us manners? Fear of our abilities? Concentration camp? None of that is necessary. Why pool so much resource for a tuition free school supported by taxpayer money? If you simply let us live our lives in virtual reality, we’ll never ever have to use our abilities. So why is it necessary for an academy to teach and learn about our own abilities?

“You know what I think? I think you’re preparing us for war. A battle that makes the Bloody Holiday look like child’s play; a true apocalypse. One where only a handful of the population will survive. The reason why this academy appeared so quickly is because there are a few people in power who know of this apocalypse. Magic is our greatest weapon. Am I right?”

The atmosphere became very dense and hard to breathe, probably because he didn’t give himself time to breathe. Ren wanted to know if everything he had pieced together in the past five years were correct. Jennifer was his best judge since she seemed to know what went on behind the scenes. After a moment of silence, Jennifer reached into her thick cloak for a flask, and chugged the contents like a drunk man at a party.

“Kaminari, I can finally see it,” Jennifer uttered beneath her breath. “It’s small, but I can see it.”

Even though it was soft and intended for her, it was still loud enough for both Cecilia and Ren to hear.

“You are absolutely right,” Jennifer admitted. “Ren and Cecilia Asa, what you are about to hear is highly confidential. Information that only world leader’s know, and a handful of powerful people. The highest classification of secrecy. The reason why I have decided to inform you two of this information is because I believe your potentials to be astronomical and necessary for what is to come.”

Ren swallowed his saliva. Cecilia, however seemed to care more about the food.

“Within ten years time, the Lord of Heaven and Hell will unleash their forces on Earth to wage war on mankind. My duty is to search for those with magic and deliver them to the magic academy to hone their potential for the upcoming battle. It is also my duty to kill any who have mutated.

“The reason for this has not been disclosed, but preparation was handed down for generations since the year 2016. Since the danger was stated to arrive well over a thousand years, the world leaders dismissed the threat as a farce in the early 3000’s. At least, until the Bloody Holiday happened. Every country in the world then pooled their resources and labor into Fortissimum Magia as a final act for survival.

Ren, Cecilia, you two are the most outstanding, and promising individuals that I have encountered on my journeys. Ren, I personally invite you to the magic school Fortissimum Magia. I’m sure the principal would have no complaints if you were to attend his academy.”

“What about me?” Asked Cecilia.

“You will come with me. If you possess regeneration magic, then you only need to hone your martial skills. It’d be a waste if you went to the academy,” said Jennifer.

Cecilia let out a doubtful hum with a disgruntled look. “I don’t know... I don’t really like you….”

Ren looked at Cecilia, wide-eyed at what he just heard.

“You’re... kind of depressing. Like, the complete opposite of the Jennifer that I looked up to. I don’t want to travel with an empty husk of Jennifer Reese. I want to travel with Legion!

“So that means she’ll come with me, right?” Asked Ren.

“No!” Jennifer snapped. “As far as I know, there wouldn’t be a challenge for her. To greatly increase our chances of survival, I need to personally take Cecilia to train.”

“Then just spar with her at the academy,” said Ren.

“No, I have something else in mind. Something more than just simple sparring. Care to hear?” Jennifer directed the last bit at Cecilia.

“Nope!” Cecilia squeaked. “I’ve got something even better.”

Cecilia put down her last tray of food, got up from the couch, and approached Jennifer so that they were face to face. Well, in this case, face to chest, but she looked up and into Jennifer’s hood with a bright smile and shining confidence.

“It hurts you know, to be told to forget about becoming a hero. Especially from one of the people that inspired me to become one. It hurts even more to see MY hero in such a sorry state. So I’m going to do what any hero would normally do. I’m going to save you.”

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641 Reviews

Points: 46598
Reviews: 641

Sun Sep 22, 2019 2:03 pm
Panikos wrote a review...

Hiya, Moalex! Just dropping in for a quick review. I seem to remember reviewing chapter 3, so I have a rudimentary impression of the story and the characters, so I'll do my best with this one.

I'll start with the criticisms to get them out of the way. Honestly, I think this is definitely far, far too heavy on the dialogue and exposition. Ren spoke for so long about his theories regarding the apocalypse and angels and the magical academy that it stopped feeling like genuine dialogue - it just felt like you wanted to force the explanation out as quickly as possible to get it out of the way. It was a huge amount to digest at once, as well, which meant the explanation was easy to get lost in and plenty confusing at times. Yes, I have only a vague understanding of the general plot, but individual chapters can and should be clear and possible to follow even without wider context. Having read chapter 3, the dense exposition seems to be a bit of a trend in your writing, and something that needs work. It just comes down to the old show-tell balance. Rather than learning about the world organically, we learn about it through long paragraphs of prose or dialogue that lay the information out in more detail than is probably necessary.

As far as character is concerned, that's definitely one of your strongest areas. Cecilia, Jennifer and Ren do all feel like distinct personalities and the differences between them keep the scene interesting. My one criticism is that Cecilia seems a bit...inconsistently characterised in this scene. She yo-yos between annoyed and sombre and strangely chipper, and seems to move between acting really old for her age and really young. She comes across like a childish adult rather than a mature child, which is supposedly the opposite of what she is.

In terms of the more technical aspects of grammar and punctuation, apostrophes seem to trip you up the most. E.g.:

Our Ki ability let’s use detect heat signatures of living things

This should be 'lets'. You only need an apostrophe in 'let's' when it's a contraction of 'let us', usually in context's like 'let's go' or 'let's see'.

Information that only world leader’s

Apostrophes are never used to mark plurals, so just 'leaders' is fine.

Another technical point would be the opening paragraph. You start the chapter from Cecilia's POV, then segue into Ren's halfway through the second paragraph. It's a jarring switch, especially seeing as you stay in Ren's POV for the rest of the chapter. You could easily start the scene from Ren's POV, and have Cecilia come into the room while he's talking to Jennifer, and save us some confusion.

On the positive side of this, the actual content that Ren discovers is fairly interesting. I didn't expect you to take this in an almost religious direction, and I still like the combination between strong sci-fi and urban fantasy that underpins the narrative. I also think that Jennifer's suggestion that Ren goes to the academy and Cecilia stays with her is interesting, because separating the two siblings could have really interesting implications for their characters. It would be fascinating to see how they develop without one another, given how close they are.

I think I'll wrap the review up here! The idea remains unique and interesting, but the execution is woolly in places. You need to break up and pare down your exposition to a minimum, because wading through paragraphs and paragraphs of expository dialogue is never much fun. Your characters are interesting - though Ren and Cecilia still seem too old for their age - and their dynamic is probably the strongest thing about the story. But Cecilia's characterisation doesn't always feel consistent, and the way in which she speaks seems to bob between adult-like and childish in a way that hampers realism. It's the fine details that hold this story back, despite its potential.

Keep writing! :D

Moalex says...

Hi Panikos! Thanks for the review! One thing that I really want to point out is the confusion between Cecilia's personality. I understand it is really confusing, and unfortunately it's meant to be that way. I'm very sorry. This story that I'm uploading to YWS is technically a prequel to their original story (That I am still writing.) As the description mentions, this story is detailing information regarding how these two siblings became involved with the prevention of their future apocalypse. Unfortunately Cecilia's flamboyant behavior won't be explained in this story. The best way I can describe her is go-with-the-flow, and optimistic. Instead of being mature at all times, and instead of being childish at at all times, she acts accordingly to how she sees the situation. She's optimistic, and would rather perceive positive things first rather than majority of human beings who only see the negative. For example, if the news were to do a story of a terrorist attack where the military allowed 25% of the population to die, Cecilia would instead perceive it as the military protected 75% of the population from the terrorist attack. That's about all I can say for this.

This chapter was supposed to introduce how they were able to get involved to begin with. A display of what the siblings are capable of. Starting all the way from chapter 1, I intentionally left behind plot holes and unexplained occurrence that the reader is 100% going to have questions for, which are all explained in the long exposition. It's for Ren to show off his ability to predict and react. Honestly, I'm unsure as to how to go about showing off that long speech without breaking it up into future chapters. This part was meant for Ren to piece together all the small hints I left behind that the reader failed to do, and show that he is not just a 15 year old with magical capabilities, but even more.

Any advice and suggestions are appreciated! Please help so I can find the courage to try and get this published in the future!

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Fri Sep 06, 2019 3:08 pm
Dreamy wrote a review...

Awe, that was so sweet of Cecilia! I would have totally given her a hug but I think Jennifer must have just huffed and left the room.

Dreamy here! Long time no see bub! Glad you're back with yet another amazing chapter.

Ok, I'm going to be honest here: I was completely confused at the introduction to the chapter. I mean, I get the general idea of what you were going for. Questioning the relationship between heroes and fans and then making a connection at the end of the chapter. I understand and see the effort but was it effective? The answer is, not really.

The introduction kind of felt out of place. I mean, I think it would work if it were mentioned as "Part II" or something, like, it's the second part of Ren and Cecilia's life: The after effects of meeting Jennifer. Of course, there is no way you can make the audience know while posting the story in this format, but I thought I'd let you know anyway. It's a very personal opinion when I say that I was confused, mind you.

The intro also gave me "The Boys" vibe. It's a series available in Amazon Prime. (You should totally see it if you haven't. I think you'll love it. *no spoilers*)

The rest was interesting to read. I never would have imagined Ren sitting behind a computer and searching and doing his research about the matter in hand when he had Cecilia to take care of. Ha! So that was surprising.

A minor suggestion here:

Speaking of which, Jennifer’s presence was in the orphanage. More specifically in the living room.

I don't see why you have "presence" here. I think it'll be just fine if you take out the word.

Otherwise, wonderful read. Loved it. Can't wait to read more.

Keep up the good job! PM me if you have questions about what I said, I'll be more than happy to answer them.

Keep writing! Cheers!

Moalex says...

Hi Dreamy! Thanks yet again for another solid review. I was hoping to start this chapter with a sort of ideology of what it meant to be a hero. The reason for that is because many people in modern time have confused what it means to be a hero compared to simply having super/godly powers. So I wanted to point out and remind readers that heroes aren't people with superpowers or wealthy people that can create weapons of mass destruction, or magical powers. Heroes are simply self-sacrificing people who only want to do the right thing. As such, I also wanted to remind readers how much a simple "smile" or "thank you" mean to people who overextend themselves for the sake of others.

If you think the starting message would prove more effective in a later chapter I will look into it. I think you got your message across. The message should be placed after seeing the results of how the sibling's life spiraled after meeting her, correct? To show how Cecilia meeting her hero has affected her life.

Yeah, Ren had a lot of free time on his hands because of the nature of Cecilia's magical gift. I hope his explanation on her magical trait provided a satisfying answer to any questions regarding why Cecilia is the way she is. It's exactly because of it that he never needed to monitor her all the time because she spends 90% of her time physically training anyways.

The reason why I used the word "presence" is because of her Ki ability to detect other life. I suppose I should provide a more in-depth explanation about that.

The remainder of the story is already finished, I just need to get points to publish the rest of the chapters. Lately, I haven't found the motivation to review other people's works. Mainly because your review is the only one I really look forward to. For reviews, I take nitpicks, fleshing out scenes, and dialogue advice and try to apply it. However, most reviews at some point talk about character/story development, and it's just not providing me motivation. Character/story development are covered by reading the entirety of the story, not a single chapter. It disappoints me that there are some people that expect a solid description and explanation of story, setting, and character in a single chapter.

Dreamy says...

Hey, Moalex! I know it's hard when people expect or ask for things by just reading a single chapter. That's not fair and it's exactly why I started reading your story from the beginning.

I understand the ideology part that you were going for in this chapter. I think it's important to raise such questions for greater good. I think what I was trying to say was that the argument was not strong enough to agree with you, maybe it's just me. But I believe we've already heard something along those lines already so my suggestive question to you is what are you effectively bringing new to the table? Because when I read that I read the piece like I was reading an advice column in a newspaper which is not good. I feel like you can bring more to the ideology and do better.

And about the other things, I'll figure something out. <3

Moalex says...

Thanks for your advice Dreamy! Thank you for everything actually. Your reviews are always supportive, and it's these type of reviews that give me an understanding of what I can improve on that stimulates me to be a better writer, and confidence in my story! You're the best!

In a hole in the ground there lived a hobbit. Not a nasty, dirty, wet hole, filled with the ends of worms and an oozy smell, nor yet a dry, bare, sandy hole with nothing in it to sit down on or to eat: it was a hobbit-hole, and that means comfort.
— JRR Tolkien