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18+ Language Violence Mature Content

The Wrong Era: Chapter 12 Part 1. First Draft.

by Moalex


Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language, violence, and mature content.

Cecilia stood in front of two grand red doors almost twice her height. To the side were two red pillars with golden dragon decoration. On the ground, two headless men in black suits. Cecilia slid her fingers beneath the strap of her left bra to adjust and looked down at herself. Ms. Reese was disappointed that she was no longer the tiny plush doll that Ms. Reese loved to cuddle with. Her body had developed nicely over the years. She had the right amount of muscle to show she wasn’t someone you could push around. And she had the right amount of fat in the right places to show off her curves without needing to try. If there was one thing that hadn’t changed, it was her hair. Shoulder length was much easier to take care of, and it didn’t get in the way of combat, or exercise.

She heard her target this time was a big-time mafia boss. An intimidating one at that. Hopefully, this one was her type.

Tap tap tap.

“Come in,” a deep voice from the other side.

Cecilia opened the door, just enough to squeeze through without letting the boss see his dead guards outside. The carpet floor had a black dragon swirled into the center of the room. A large fish tank, potted plants and a king-sized bed. The gang leader lay in bed naked with two girls under his arms. The gang leader fondled with one of the girl’s breast while the other stroked his penis under the sheets.

“Who are you?” He asked as he stared with leering eyes.

She decided, this mission, she’ll use the desperate fake-virgin act. She hadn’t done that yet.

Cecilia pulled her hands behind her back to show off her cleavage. She stared down at herself, and tilted her head a bit forward so that her bangs hid her eyes. She took a peek at the mafia leader and said, “Just a lonely girl looking for a big strong man to play with her.”

He had a tattoo on one side of his face, and piercings on his nostrils. Definitely not her type. This mission was also a letdown. This would be the fourth time in a row her target looked like a disgusting pig. Although she had to admit, the tattoo was pretty cool.

The gang leader leaned forward and, snapped his finger. The two girls in bed with him retreated to a hidden prep room.

He sat up from his comfy position with cravings eyes. “How old are you?”

“16,” replied Cecilia.

He smirked disgustingly and leaned back comfortably. He threw the sheets off revealing his naked body to her. Cecilia crawled on top, her bra rubbed across his skin as she drew closer and closer to his face. He enjoyed it, she could tell from the feel of it.

He wrapped one hand around her and pulled her forward to press their bodies together. He seemed a little too eager. He sneered at her as her breasts pressed against his chest.

“I don’t know who you are, but you’ve come to the right place.”

Cecilia giggled, “I have something to tell you before we do it.” Cecilia pulled herself up to his ear and whispered, “You disgust me.”

She swiped her hand across his neck, a clean cut from concentrating her Ki into the form of a sharp blade around her hand. Cecilia pulled his head off his body and tossed it across the floor. Cecilia let out a weary breath and got off the man’s body. She grabbed the blanket and wiped off the seminal fluid that touched her and tossed it over the gang leader’s body. The first thing she’s doing when she got back to the jet is shower.

From the prep room, Ms. Reese walked out with the two girls from earlier with blankets covering them.

“You seem to enjoy the seduction act a lot. That’s the fourth time you’ve done it this month.”

Cecilia brushed her hair to the back of her ear. “I was hoping to have a bit of fun with the target if he was my type.”

“While I do enjoy the idea of making work fun, do mind that it would be your first time. I would hate to see you ruin one of the pleasures of life forever.”

“I was under the impression that sex was a natural part of nature where hormones develop in our brains. Even if I hated it, natural instinct would make me desire it anyways right?”

“It is,” responded Ms. Reese. She patted the two girls covered in blankets and lead them out the main entrance. They screamed and fled after they stepped into the pool of blood from the headless guards outside. “However, everyone has a different sex drive, mostly determined by how they’re introduced into the act.”

Cecilia groaned and shuffled her hair around anxiously. “I just want a boyfriend,” she crossed her arms puffed her cheeks.

“Your chances of finding a boyfriend within the next few years are slim.” Ms. Reese pat Cecilia on the head. Cecilia grunted in irritation. “But the chance that you do find a boyfriend, make sure he treats you the same, or even better than Ren.”

“Eww,” said Cecilia. “Why would I want someone that’s like Ren? He’s my older brother. Finding someone like him is basically admitting I’m in love with him.”

Ms. Reese snorted then laughed. “In that case, make sure the boyfriend you’re looking for is strong enough to protect you, funny enough to make you laugh, and dumb enough to steal your heart without realizing it.”

“Why would I want someone dumb enough to steal my heart without realizing it? I want someone smart enough to steal my heart everyday!”

Ms. Reese and Cecilia continued a back-and-forth conversation about boys and relationship during their return to the private plane. It was a learning experience for both of them since Cecilia had finally entered that age and Ms. Reese never had any intimate relationships with men for a number of reasons.

“I mean, sure, finding a man taller than me is easy, but what're the chances of finding a man stronger than me?” Cecilia asked as she boarded the jet.

“A man does not necessarily have to be physically stronger. The intelligent kind is very charming. They will always find a way to impress you.”

“Well yeah, but just think about it. How pathetic would it look if my boyfriend is on the ground? I mean, unless he’s critically injured or disabled it’s fine, but I want my man to stand next to me.”

“Ren is an intelligent boy whose fairly strong and has a nice body. In fact, he matches all of your types when he was ten,” responded Ms. Reese.

“You checked out my brother when he was ten?” Cecilia exclaimed.

“I was admiring both of your physiques, yes.” Ms. Reese defended herself. “Admit it, every aspect you like, Ren matches all of it.”

Cecilia threw a punch at Ms. Reese. As expected of Ms. Reese, she caught the surprise punch.

“Don’t say it like that, it sounds like I’m in love with my own brother,” Cecilia said as calmly as possible. “I mean,” She tossed herself onto an AR bed. ‘He’s the only boy I know that cared for me. All the other boys I’ve ever met, I beat-up or killed.”

“Well, I can say for certain that you’re doing much better. You managed to keep casualties to a minimum being only the gang leader and his two loyal guards.”

“Oh, fuck you!” Cecilia sat up from her bed. “You’re the one who made me go insane six years ago in the first place.”

“And it was delicious! Especially when you learned to use Ki on your own and killed every single Yakuza in the building on your own. Not saying you couldn’t do it without Ki, but the use of Ki made it so much more delectable.”

“Geez, despite all that talk about boys, and telling me that there are a few individuals who have redeeming qualities, you still hate humans with a passion.”

“The few humans with pure, good spirits do not make up for the billions of sinful ones. If one samaritan is born every hundred thousand, then it’s better if humans didn’t exist in the first place.”

“That depends on how you raise them though.”

“A bad person raising a child will only result in another bad person. Only a good samaritan will learn of every evil in the world and not drown in its guilty pleasures.”

“There is just no talking you out of it huh? Well, I can’t say I blame you. Not after everything that’s happened to you.” Cecilia bounced off her bed. “Speaking of life.”

At the top right corner of the private plane, a small four by four miniature garden encased in wood sprouted flowers of all kinds. Cecilia grabbed the watering can next to the garden and filled it.

“What would you have done if you were too late?” Cecilia asked as she watered her garden.

“Probably commit suicide,” Ms. Reese walked over to admire the flowers that Cecilia grew.

“Humanity does not deserve my help for the upcoming war. If I failed to turn you into a warden of death, then I would have killed myself to prevent any more mistakes from happening.”

The first four years, Ms. Reese constantly showed Cecilia how despicable humans can be, not only to nature, but to each other, Cecilia went on an endless streak of slaughter. Thirsty for the blood of anybody who she deemed unworthy of living. Day after day, she came face to face with criminals, terrorists, gang leaders, druggie’s, pimps and procurer. The one thing she least wanted to encounter the least were gifted children that used too much magic and mutated. She was an unstoppable killing machine that held no mercy for anyone that took advantage of other people’s lives. People that murdered others while they were in VR, while they were completely defenseless and incapable of defending themselves. People that killed others for vengeance and grudges that happened in a mere video game. Gang leaders that kidnapped people and turned them into slaves and sex objects. Druggies that gave life-threatening drugs to multiply the ecstasy while playing VR games only to get them addicted to the drug and die of overdose.

It wasn’t until the fourth year that Ms. Reese halted all mission for Cecilia and gave her one that had nothing to do with killing people. Instead, Ms. Reese had her grow a garden inside of their private jet. Ms. Reese told her that she may continue ridding the world of horrible people if she could grow flowers inside of an airplane. Being someone whose only hobby was fighting and getting stronger, she struggled to grow any. They even got into a fight because Cecilia argued about how pointless it was to grow plants.

For Ms. Reese, it was a really tough struggle. She had hoped it wasn’t too late for Cecilia to regain any shred of humanity left of her. To Ms. Reese’s relief, she wasn’t.

“What you did is unforgivable, you know that?” Asked Cecilia.

She turned an innocent little girl into a killing machine, something no one should ever do. The act of murder before she was even permitted to fall in love. Ms. Reese knew, she was the ultimate villain that should not exist in this world.

“At least now, you are able to make clear judgments. All life is born equal, none higher or lower than the other. To take another’s life is something--”

“I know, I know,” Cecilia interrupted. “To take another’s life is something that shouldn’t be considered lightly. At the same time, it is a necessary evil done without hesitation if it’s for the greater good.”

“Thanks to that, you didn’t kill every single person in that Chinese mafia hideout.”

“Hmph.”

To understand the difficulty to grow and live. To bring life into the world and maintain it. That was what Cecilia learned from growing flowers.

“Where are we going next anyway?” Asked Cecilia.

“Germany,” said Ms. Reese. Plain, “Germany.” Nothing else. Ms. Reese usually provided more details as to their next destination and what they were doing.

“What are we doing this time?”

“I’ll let you know when we’re there.”

The incentive to tell her their next mission was sorely lacking, that much was obvious. No matter, whatever it is that they were doing, she was sure it was a walk in the park like all their other missions. At this point, she and Ms. Reese were the strongest beings alive on the planet. She was confident that even the gifted children at the magic school were no match for them.

In the end, Cecilia turned a blind eye. She was bored now. At the same time, maybe a bit excited. Maybe this secret mission would finally be the one where she meets her boyfriend. Or find a foe aside from Ms. Reese where she could fight at her full potential. Speaking of boyfriend.

Cecilia meditated, as usual, every night. It was the closest thing she had to sleep. It had been six years since she’s entered her “other body.” Ever since she went on her first mission and rescued Azel, she hadn’t been able to enter that body-hopping state.

Her mind blanked out as usual. The empty feeling of her body disappeared as usual and her mind sat in darkness.

Nothing, again. Was it just her imagination?

Cecilia exited her meditation upon the first crack of dawn, in disappointment.

It was a morning chore for her to move the plants to the windows where the sun shined through. While the hologen does produce realistic and solid materials, it wasn’t the same type of light that plants needed to grow.

Ms. Reese was still sleeping. Seven whole years had passed. It felt just like yesterday Ms. Reese adopted her from the orphanage. On paper, she was technically her step-mom, but she felt more like a teacher than anything. She ordered a chair and sat next to Ms. Reese. Technically, Ms. Reese committed a grave sin of teaching a child to judge and kill mercilessly if she deems them unworthy of living. She created a killer, a necessary evil to eliminate the same evil that she is. Technically speaking, the most logical choice to making this world a better place, was to kill both Ms. Reese and herself at this very moment.

Cecilia took a deep breath and looked at her tiny garden bathing in the sunlight. While that may be the most logical choice, it was not the right one. Both Ms. Reese and Cecilia need to live for the upcoming storm that Ms. Reese spoke of seven years ago. When they survive, they need to be examples of what not to become.

“M..mo...mom…” Cecilia practiced. She cleared her throat, “M...mother. Ma.”

“Seven years and you still can’t bring yourself to call me that,” Ms. Reese spoke.

Cecilia yelped and toppled backward in her chair. “You were awake?” Cecilia exclaimed.

“Yes, I woke up the instant you came and sat by me. I can sense your body heat through Ki remember?”

Cecilia slapped herself in the face with her palm. She had completely forgotten that anybody warmth near Ms. Reese was like shining a flashlight in her face. Then again, it was the same for Cecilia. She’d have probably remembered it if she was able to sleep too, but she can’t.

“Would you like to practice calling me mum?” Asked Ms. Reese.

“NO!”

Bing Bong. This is your pilot speaking, thank you again Cecilia and Ms. Reese for being loyal customers to Ryan’s Private Jet. We have arrived at your destination.

That was odd, they were in Germany already within one night trip? That didn’t seem right.

“Come on, let’s go,” said Ms. Reese.

They both exited the plane and onto an open runway on what appeared to be an island of some sort. Cecilia took a good look around. There was a clock tower that looked somewhat similar to the Big Ben when Cecilia underwent a mission in London. They couldn’t be in London. Then were several skyscrapers about the width of her finger apart from each other. They were most certainly nowhere anywhere in Germany or London.

The engine of the plane suddenly started running. Cecilia knelt down and covered her face to stop the wind and dust from hitting her eyes. The plane took off without them. This had to be a trap!

Cecilia turned her Ki powers on and felt her surrounding area. Ms. Reese was right beside her, but in front of them were three...no...four? Four heat signatures clumped up about ten meters away from them. However, in front of her eyes was just a path towards the island. There was no one there.

Invisibility!

She charged forward ready to engage the foes in front of her. As she got close, the heat signatures in front of her all stood up. They appeared to have tossed aside a blanket that was keeping them hidden.

“Surpri--” Ren, Azel, and Prof. Kamui all shouted in unison. Before they could even finish, Cecilia had already socked Ren in the stomach. Both Prof. Kamui and Azel moved out of the way as Ren flew back from her punch.

With a squeak, she only now realized what she had done.

“Daigo!” Cecilia said worriedly as she ran over to him and knelt down to help him up.

He still had trouble breathing, but he seemed to be fine. Just needed to take a couple of breaths.

“Could you,” Ren coughed. “Say that one more time please?”

Cecilia smiled at his humor, but gave him a friendly slap on his face.

Cecilia dived in and hugged Ren. She had missed this feeling after not seeing him for seven years. His nice hard, muscly, toned...

Hard, muscled and toned?

Cecilia pushed Ren back onto the ground which he groaned in pain. This wasn’t the hug she wanted from him. Why was he suddenly so developed and hard? What happened to his comfy chest and plushy back? This wasn’t right.

“What happened to you?” Cecilia asked in horror. “You’re not Ren! Who are you?”

“Cecilia,” Azel grabbed her from behind and kindly turned her around. She looked so much better now compared to seven years ago when Cecilia rescued her from the slave labor. Not that Cecilia actually remembered what she looked like. It’s just that Azel looked so cute now. She had nice long black hair with a brown headband, a black blouse and pale turquoise skirt. Although...Her boobs seemed to have stopped at a B cup, and she seemed to have gained some weight. Particularly in the front of her belly in which Cecilia started to cheer in her mind at how much better her body had developed compared to Azel.

“That’s not an imposter,” said Azel. “That’s really Ren.”

Cecilia looked at Ren. Azel wasn’t wrong, his arms had definitely developed a lot of muscles and his shoulders were quite broad. Even his face compared to the young child that she last remembered before they parted at the orphanage. She didn’t want to openly say it, he did look a lot more attractive, particularly on the manly side. There was something about it that she didn’t like.

“You must be Cecilia Asa, Ren’s younger sister yes?” Prof. Kamui walked past her and helped Ren up on his feet.

“That would be me yes,” replied Cecilia.

“I’m Prof. Kamui, I’ve heard a lot of things about you, but first, allow us to finish what we started.”

The three of them all got together in front of her and shouted, “Happy Birthday Cecilia!”


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Sun May 27, 2018 9:46 pm
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Rosendorn wrote a review...



Hello.

I read this:

Cecilia slid her fingers beneath the strap of her left bra to adjust and looked down at herself. Ms. Reese was disappointed that she was no longer the tiny plush doll that Ms. Reese loved to cuddle with. Her body had developed nicely over the years. She had the right amount of muscle to show she wasn’t someone you could push around. And she had the right amount of fat in the right places to show off her curves without needing to try. If there was one thing that hadn’t changed, it was her hair. Shoulder length was much easier to take care of, and it didn’t get in the way of combat, or exercise.


And immediately stopped, because this is exactly the type of description that gets ridiculed on the internet for lack of realism. So I'm going to break down everything wrong with this kind of description, so you are not one of those people.

First off, this starts describing her as a literal doll. That is objectification at its finest, and really leaves a bad taste in people's mouths. On top of it, girls and women don't think of themselves like that, which immediately flagged this as an outsider trying to write about a group they don't seem to know much about.

Second, muscle isn't an indication of strength. Some people (both girls and people read as girls) build muscle really quickly, and/or plain old don't have the body fat required to hide muscle. It's a really pervasive myth that falls firmly into telling instead of showing; you're pointing to her muscles as indications of strength, when muscle mass scientifically isn't any indication of strength. I have very minimal muscle tone but can carry 60+ pounds with only a bit of effort. However, I can barely throw a punch to save my life— further proof muscle =/= fighting ability.

Thirdly, the concept of fat. This line feeds into the "ideal woman" who is effortlessly feminine without putting in an ounce of effort, when looking good even with the "right curves" requires well fitting clothing and a good bra, because bodies are asymmetrical and floppy in their natural state. There is no such thing as effortlessly looking good in the conventional sense of the term. On top of it, women don't think like this. Boobs are annoying, rear ends are annoying, and no clothes fit ever regardless of how conventionally attractive you are and having fat in places men deem desirable.

Fourthly, shoulder length hair is genuinely long enough to get in the way, because it can fall in your face at the drop of a hat and requires a hair tie. Picking that length, to me, says, "trying to be feminine but also trying to appear as Not Like Feminine Girls", which is a tired old stereotype.

All in all, this story basically screams this woman is meant to be a sex object before she's a character. She's attractive without trying (so she avoids being "high maintenance"), but she's also a got some muscle but not too much (so she's not a "weak" girly girl, but also not an "unfeminine" highly muscled girl), and she's conventionally attractive in every way except her hair is shorter than average, but not too short so she's not getting close to a masculine hair style.

It's plain old not realistic.

Hope this helps. Let me know if you have any questions or comments.

~Rosey




Moalex says...


Hi Rosey! I do appreciate the review, and from what you point out, I understand why this section would be ridiculed heavily upon on. However, unfortunately, I can't accept your review as something that needs changing for the story. The main reason is that you aren't aware of what the culture and setting this story takes place, as well as the personality of my character. This is chapter 12 after all.

For one thing, the setting takes place in a future where full-dive virtual reality is where mostly everything takes place in. Culture has been diversed so much to the point that there are no more normal standards.

Now, this is the part where it gets even more confusing. My story is about the first arrival of magic, in a technologically advanced setting, magic suddenly appears out of nowhere. Majority of stories usually talk about a fantasy world where magic is already well incorporated in society or living in secrecy. What my aim for is what would happen upon the first discovery of magic. It gets even more confusing as the story takes place through the story of an orphaned girl who lives in the real world.

2. My main character, Cecilia, has absolute confidence in herself. If you had read the previous chapters, Cecilia's aim is to be a hero. She has been raised without knowing anything about stereotypes of males and female, what is considered "guy" things and "girl" things. She has been raised to do what she wants to do, and with total confidence, and that includes hormones that come with going through puberty.

And as an additional note, it is not directly mentioned in the previous chapters, but Cecilia also believes that if she's going to do something, she has to look good while doing it. Which is why I included the description of her looking good without needing to try. And for her decision, the way she looks now is what she thinks she looks amazing as.

Hopefully, this helps explain why I wrote it the way I wrote it. I do understand that this type of writing still poses an issue, but it is written this way to show the development of my character, and her unwavering confidence that she has in herself, in what she does, and how proud she is of it.



Rosendorn says...


Here's the thing.

The work is still going to be taken in modern context and all of the stereotypes we see right now are going to apply, and you are still writing it based on modern day stereotypes.

No work is devoid of the author's ideals, meaning your ideal future and your ideal woman are influencing this. Even though you've set up a culture based on all of these generally positive goals, they're still very much framed and interpreted through a modern lens.

It's obvious Cecilia is meant to be idealized... and that's what I was pointing out was the problem. Ideals are not characters. If she's primarily confident in her looks... why? In a world where there are no gender stereotypes and no normalized ideal beauty, why would she focus on her looks? The way you're describing it, her looks shouldn't matter at all and she would be more focused on her skills.

Would you write a confident man as going on for a whole paragraph about how his arms are exactly the right size to flex, and he had a strong jaw and barrel chest and this made him an ideal man? Or would you write about how he'd trained for x years in a certain field which meant he had all the skills available to him to complete the job?

If you would describe a man that way, then I want to see a man's PoV using those descriptions somewhere in the story. But if you wouldn't, I ask you one question:

Why is a woman even bothering with her looks if there's no ideals for them in the future?



Moalex says...


Because she wants to. It's for herself. A woman shouldn't need a reason to make herself look good. If she wants to, then she'll do it. You're right, there's no ideals, no normalized ideal beauty, no gender stereotypes. Then there's only one reason why she's doing it, and it's because she wants to. She shouldn't need a reason to make herself look what she thinks is good. She's doing it for herself.



Rosendorn says...


No character has that level of agency. Real women, yes, by all means, but not characters.

In fiction, though, authors make the choices for the characters. No matter how much we talk about how alive the characters are, we make the choices the characters do. We create them. We write them. It's completely up to the writer how the character presents themselves.

It's up to you to make sure she's accurate. And right now I'm telling you she's not.

Ball's in your court.



Moalex says...


I don't think you understand. The way my character now, IS what I have decided for her to be. I chose the character for my character to be the way she is. This is a story, and the writers are the Gods. This is how I want my character to be.



Rosendorn says...


I understand that perfectly. You have decided for her to be a sex object from male consumption.

And what you are not understanding is I am telling you no woman thinks like that internally, even if they are actively wanting to be sex objects for male consumption.

Ball's in your court to make her accurate.



Moalex says...


That's not how I view her. That's how YOU'RE viewing her. So once a woman is confident in everything she does, even if it includes hormones, she's a sex object?

So if I changed her to a male, would that view still be the same? A man wanting to be a sex object to females?

I mean, you mentioned it, and I should have known it earlier, but you clearly did not read past that one paragraph. There's actually no sexual activity at all.



Rosendorn says...


My reader perception is based on the author's words. That's how description works; the author controls how the reader sees the character.

If you don't want me to see her as a sex object, edit it so she's not read like one



Moalex says...


True. However, since from what it appears that you did not read the remainder of the chapter. You also did not read the part where she's acting vulnerable to get close to a mafia boss to assassinate him, cleanly and silently.

I understand that in YWS, most people commonly only read one chapter of a writer's story because most people only read works that are in the green room to review. However, I am not writing this story for the sake of two people who have no idea what happened in the previous chapters. I am writing a story that branches off from each other. So I do understand how the first paragraph may throw you off, and how that first paragraph can be incredibly misleading. Forgive me if there were any offense done. However, I write this story expecting a reader to know Cecilia and her mentor's personality. Had you any prior knowledge of my character, you would know that Cecilia is currently traveling with her mentor to kill criminals.

So for this, I would like to properly explain what in this chapter.

My MC, Cecilia, does not view herself as any sex object at all. She is simply acting in a suggestive manner to lower her target's guard to execute a clean and silent assassination. It is shortly after that piece that her mentor enters the room and mentions that it is the 4rth time that Cecilia has performed the seductive act on her target. In which she admits that she does have sex in her mind. She is 16 years old and she is curious. In which, she performs these acts in hopes that she finds someone she fancies. She has yet to find one. It is also implied that she is at that age where she wants a boyfriend. However, contrary to how she behaves, it is revealed that Cecilia has yet to conduct any sexual act. The remainder of the chapter is Cecilia reuniting with her brother and celebrating her birthday. I hope that explains things a bit better.



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Sun May 27, 2018 12:07 am
elysian wrote a review...



hello, happy review day! <3 I'll just be making general comments since I haven't been following your novel :

**disclaimer: I will most likely focus on negative aspects more so than positive aspects when reviewing, and this is just to help you grow as a writer! It is totally okay not to agree with something I say! Also, If I repeat anything already said, it's probably because it needs to be changed!**

Spelling:

I want someone smart enough to steal my heart everyday!”


*every day

While the hologen does produce realistic and solid materials, it wasn’t the same type of light that plants needed to grow.


*halogen

Grammer:

The first thing she’s doing when she got back to the jet is shower.


*The first thing she's doing when she gets back to the jet is taking a shower

“Oh, fuck you!” Cecilia sat up from her bed.


*on

Druggies that gave life-threatening drugs to multiply the ecstasy while playing VR games only to get them addicted to the drug and die of overdose.


*of an overdose

Speaking of boyfriend.


*of a boyfriend

Technically speaking, the most logical choice to making this world a better place, was to kill both Ms. Reese and herself at this very moment.


*to make this world

Punctuation:

She stared down at herself, and tilted her head a bit forward so that her bangs hid her eyes.


*no comma after herself

Ms. Reese knew, she was the ultimate villain that should not exist in this world.


*knew; she was

Cecilia smiled at his humor, but gave him a friendly slap on his face.


*no comma after humor

Story:

this is a very interesting story indeed! I enjoyed reading it and I thought that it was cool that you could make her sound old but young at the same time, if that makes sense. I really don't have much to say >.>

great job!

- Del





"In my contact with people I find that, as a rule, it is only the little, narrow people who live for themselves, who never read good books, who do not travel, who never open up their souls in a way to permit them to come into contact with other souls -- with the great outside world."
— Booker T. Washington, Up From Slavery