Young Writers Society

here is a review from me

First this poem reminds of this movie road trip but this poem do reminds me of that movie..

Second just keep trying and never give up on poems..

Third you should do a collab poem with someone that knows how to write a poem.

but have a nice day @Minuit_Bast

Hello! Hikarihateke here with a review!

I think this was lovely! And as someone with a big family I totally related to it (I mean anyone who's been on a road trip can but ya know?) It immediately brought back memories from the very first line! I can practically smell the scent of old car and b/o/deodorant/perfume.

I kinda think that it could be broken up better, more into stanzas ya know?
And [ there's a elbow in my ear ] should be [there's (an) elbow in my ear]

You also really captured how hectic and fun -and boring and tiring+ a road trip can be.

Overall its great!

Hello, Minuit_Bast! Happy Review Month!

Valkyria here leaving a review. So, let's get to it:

I thought that this is a super funny and relatable poem. I've been on a road trip before, and it was every bit of hectic as the poem made it to be. The narrator uses so many hyperboles, which makes it work in this type of setting. Speaking of the narrator, they seem to be a teenager; and that makes it all the more funnier.

The rhyming scheme follows aabb, and the iambic pentameter is simple. The rhythm sounds good when I read the words.

There's only one part where it sounds a little off:

The car’s a mess, there’s a elbow in my ear

On second thought, it’s probably a good thing I can’t hear

Hello hello.

First of all, nice topic to write a poem about I'd say. Car trips can be interpreted in many ways depending on the person, the setting, the words used to make it impactful. This one is purely based on description, from what you've mentioned and from what I've figured out on my own based on how this started out with a piece of imagery.

"Fluffy clouds and rubber bands / Duct-scotch-tape and moving vans" invoke a lot of childhood innocence in my mind. Maybe the person narrating this is a child, probably one who is bored of sitting around and doing nothing. Because of that, the rubber bands and tape come into play because it's fun to mess around with normal objects and make them "cool" when you're a child. The car ride might possibly be to somewhere boring as well, or maybe they are just packed into a car for a ride that doesn't have any rest stops.

Then comes in the rhyme scheme that I just now noticed. "I say it’s what you wish / You say it’s what you do" messes up the flow of it. You can look at tip and trip, face and place, or even bands and vans despite the fact it's more of a slant rhyme than anything else. Those have very defined sounds that are being created, and from saying them aloud or mouthing the words to yourself, you can tell they are the same.

I'm also certain that I've heard that phrase before somewhere? Like the comparison "i say, you say" kinds of things. It might be a popular one around where I live or just the kind of poetry I end up consuming, but just a little note on that.

Speaking of that line, the ones following are little awkward in my opinion. They just appear to not match up with the rest of the poem and make the flow uncomfortable in that one area of the poem. "You want somewhere new, / I say that’s still untrue." is a mouthful for me. I think the word "untrue" does that often, making it hard to pair it with another rhyming word because it's a clunky sound forming from not that big of a word.

I'm also a little unsure about the "still" part in that line to be honest as well. There wasn't any foreshadowing towards that unless you count the few lines before it, and honestly, that's way too close and way to vague to be considered that because it doesn't clearly define it as actually something important. It's weird because we know there are two people in this now, but we are never actually shown them in much detail.

After that, "Road, long road, probably ends at the moon" comes in. I love this line because it brings in space, it creates another layer to the narrator, and it's just creative. It gets mixed up between lines that smash it and almost get rid of that feeling though, almost like if you skim over it and don't notice it, you just don't notice it.

I also really enjoyed "I think we’re probably lost and I’m about to die." because of the urgency in the voice you used. Like I said about the narrator probably being a child and being bored with the ride, they're probably overreacting here. It's interesting that I go in and try to figure out what is literal and what is just created by the kid's mind because it can get hard to tell with the basically nostalgic imagery you've written.

Although, lastly, "Oh yes, I forgot: Mom paid me a tip." does not make sense at all with the previous buildup you've created. I wouldn't have thought that was an ending line because it doesn't wrap it up at all. I wouldn't have even thought it was a part of the same poem because it's a totally different atmosphere. Who's the mom in this? We weren't introduced to her until this line, which makes it hard to get into it.

Happy RevMo!
-- chi

I like this poem. It reminds very much of the light lyrics by Ogden Nash. It has the same elegance and light touch. I like the way you made it rhyme, without making it sound trite. The though gives it just enough bounce - and reminds even a little of the bumpiness of a road. The poem has a sophisticated feeling. The narrator seems a little jaded, a little older than third siblings, just a little too put together for this tough and tumble trip. I love the hyperbole of “ I think we’re probably lost and I’m about to die. It’s over the top, but so lightly stated that it seems almost a bit flippant; this of course adding to its comic appeal. Of course my favorite line is the last though. Like all good comic poetry, you’ve got the perfect punchline. Throughout the poem the reader is wondering, why did this person even agree to this hideous trip? And then that last line has the really real reason - but elegantly wrapped with a careless “oh yes, I forgot”. I really liked this. Made me laugh out loud!