Summer Waking; Chapter One

Hi! I'm going to critique this as I read. So, critique ahoy!

The morning was a quiet one, the forest only beginning to awaken. The sun crept lazily over the horizon, splashing the world in radiant hues of red and yellow. Riane shut the door to her grandmother’s cabin, so as not to disturb its sleeping inhabitant. She was becoming quite good at keeping the door from squeaking whenever she opened it now. Taking in a deep breath of the crisp, August air, she made her way along the path that led to the forest.

Everything was still. The only sound to be heard was her footfalls as they hit the leaf-littered earth. Once in awhile, a bird could be heard overhead, but it never lasted for longer than a few seconds. They didn’t seem to be in a very talkative mood this morning.

[s]Still[/s], Riane enjoyed the quiet. It never lasted long [s]anyhow[/s], not in this place. The forest was like her safe haven, a place she could go to and feel right at home. She was getting good at covering her tracks, or going deep into the woods where others couldn’t follow, not that anyone had ever tried.You say that the silence never lasts long "in this place," which, in this context, I take to be the forest, but then you say that the forest is her safe haven. That's rather contradictory.

As Riane went deeper and deeper into the canopy of trees, the creatures of the forest began to wake. Noisy birds twittered above her unseen. The smaller creatures, like rabbits, could be heard making their way through the thick underbrush on the path ahead. Once, a nervous squirrel ran out in front of Riane, only to dart into a nearby tree when it had spotted her. Angrily it chattered at her,the way you've structured this sentence, while correct, doesn't fit in with the rest of the paragraph. from the safety of a high branch, for getting in its way. Riane [s]only[/s] smiled and continued on her way.

But as she walked, a feeling of unease began to trickle down her spine. The air around her was no longer fresh and crisp, but had gone stale and musty. She tried to swallow but found her mouth to be dry, like she was eating cotton. An [s]unexplained[/s] shiver of fear ran through her as she put her back to the nearest tree. Someone was watching her. Riane was no longer alone. Some of your writing is very chunky, a bit passive. "Her mouth was dry, like she was eating cotton" would have worked nicely. It's smoother.

Who’s there?” she asked, but her voice was inaudible.[/b] How was her voice inaudible? That means nothing could hear. I don't think it's the best choice of words.[/b] Her eyes darted from one spot in the trees to another as she strained to hear any extra movement. But everything was quiet and still, just as it had been before.[/b]But I thought that small animals and birds were running around.[/b]

[s]Still,[/s]Riane knew someone else was close by. She could feel it in the back of her mind. The presence was so strong, it took all she had not to bolt into the safety of the trees. Your grammar is solid, and you seem to be a good writer for the most part, but the introductory word at the beginning of a paragraph. Still seems to be your favourite, so when you're editing, watch out for that.

Okay, she thought. Just turn around slowly and go back to the house. If it’s an animal, it’ll most likely just go away if I show I’m not afraid. But as Riane prepared herselfI'm confused. She was preparing herself for what?, a black mass made itself visible near the path. The mass was huge and was standing upright, like a well-built human. [s]Also,[/s] it was moving behind her now. A lot of transition sentences. watch for them. They don't work well with fiction. They are, however, fine in things like critiques. That in mind, I found her thoughts jolting. The way the story moves, I took it as a fairytale, not something that takes place in modern times. It's the way that you've written the rest of the chapter.

Her escape route blocked, Riane began to thinkShe was thinking before.. She could always go straight and try to outrun it, but it could easily overpower her. She knew that. But if the thing was human, she could make a run for it into the trees and try to outwit it. With its size, it couldn’t easily pursue her through the thicker parts of the forest.I'm a bit bored now. The whole logic behind her running isn't something I find interesting. Probably a personal bias, as I have a short attention span.[/]

Her mind made up, Riane took a deep breath and took off running. Just as she expected, the thing followed behind. [s]Only,[/s] it was much faster than she had anticipated. [s]Still,[/s] that only made her run faster.[b]I would have done this differently. The action moves very slowly, and the same goes for the below. A lot of "seemed" which is a linking verb, which in your case is unnecessary and passive. "And yet" below is unnecessary. When you make edits, watch out for unnecessary or bulky phrases.

And yet her companion perused her with such ease. No matter what Riane did, it always seemed only a few paces behind her. She could [s]just[/s] see it sometimes in her peripheral vision, yet every time she turned, no one was there. Read the above. See how much better it flows without the "just?" Do the same thing with "Only's", because they bulk down your writing and are unnecessary.

Hurtling over a fallen tree, she found herself skidding to a stop before the river.Phrases like "she found herself" strikes me as rather passive. I suggest going for something more direct, like "she skidded to a stop before the river. Breathing hard, she looked back to see the mass far away, but getting closer. Looking down at the river currents, she wondered if she would be able to make it to the other side.As I said things above, it may benefit you to make action more direct.

It was getting closer, she didn’t have much time left. Either she jumped and risked dying, or she didn’t and faced possibly something far worse.How does she know it's far worse? Taking a deep breath, she closed her eyes and jumped into the river.

As the sharp, cold water washed over her, the shock of it caused her to gasp.Another thing to avoid in action "as the." You can do a lot better by your action Swallowing mouthfuls of water, she tried to kick off the river floor to the surface. [s]But[/s] The rocks were too slippery and were covered in slime. [s]She couldn’t get a good foot hold.[/s] She began to panic.I'd actually like to see her panicking, than be told that she is doing such. Anything that I slash out is really an example. Take a look of it, see what the slashes do. Also, if if she's at the bottom, it wouldn't matter if the rocks are slippery, and if said rocks are slippery, most people assume that they're covered in slime. If you feel that saying they're covered in slime is important, I suggest finding a more graceful way of going about it.

Current pulling her along, she thrashed her arms around, trying to grab at something and pull herself out.I think this sentence moves faster than the rest of the story so far. That's good. Eventually she was able to grip a strong root and pull her way to the other bank.And then we go back again. Watch for adverbs. I find the "eventually" ugly.

Heaving up the water from her lungs, she crawled her way up the riverbank to safety. When the coughing subsided she allowed her arms to give way. She lay there on her stomach, trying to [/b]catch[/b] her breath. She opened one eye to stare at the other side of the river where her unwanted companion stood.I wouldn't consider it a companion as much as a pursuer Cloaked in shadow, he stared at her, and she stared back at him. Riane’s whole body was tense. Would he really risk crossing the river just to get to her? What would be the point? But as she watched, her pursuer turned and began walking back into the forest. [s]He was giving up.[/s] Give us an idea of her fear and her curiosity, but I feel like I'm being spoon-fed her thoughts. If she must ask questions in the thoughts that the readers are privy to, you can get away with the first one, but not the second.[/b]

Riane was so relieved, she felt like crying. Letting her body finally relax, she closed her eyes and let out the breath she hadn‘t realized she was holding.

Splash! Her eyes snapped open. Lifting her head, she glanced to the river anxiously. Her heart sped up when she spotted what she was searching for. Her pursuer was in the water, and he was headed right for her. Letting out a cry of distress, Riane scrambled back to her feet and sprinted with new-found energy away from the river. It wasn’t long until she heard footsteps pounding behind her.

“Leave me alone!” she cried as she turned back to throw a rock at him. She heard a grunt as the rock hit its mark. Not bothering to do it again, she just focused on getting away. But soon the footsteps faded away into nothing, and Riane no longer felt his presence near her. Deciding it was safe enough to slow down, Riane leaned against a nearby tree to catch her breath. Looking around her, she tried to see if anything looked familiar to her. Stop starting sentences with "But." You can start a sentence with a conjunction every once in a while, but it gets annoying quickly. If you find yourself using a lot of conjunctions, remove the conjunction. It gets in the way, anyway.

[s]Unfortunately,[/s] nothing did. She was deeper in the woods than she had ever been, and [s]as the result[/s] she was completely and utterly lost. Holding her head in her hands, she let out a pitiful moan and slid onto the ground. How did this happen? She had only wanted to go for a walk in the woods like she did every morning. Why did today have to be different? Rubbing her wet eyes, she sighed and got back to her feet. There was no use just sitting here and feeling sorry for herself. That wouldn’t help. Maybe if she kept going, she could eventually find a road and get someone to take her back to her house. That or a police station. Oh, so it is in a more modern setting. Okay, then, disregard the thing on thoughts. I'm not a fan of the "how did this happen, why me?" jazz.

[s]So[/s] on weary feet she continued onward, hoping to find something that could lead her back to civilization. [s]Eventually,[/s] her walking led her to a narrow path through the trees. A path meant there were other paths close by, and paths usually led to a road of some kind. Feeling a swell of hope, Riane stepped confidently onto the small, dirt road.But you said it was a path. Roads and paths are different. I think the rationale of the path could have been done better.

She walked for what seemed like hours, the forest becoming denser [s]the longer she went.[/s] Had she made a wrong turn? No, the path was completely straight, there was no way she could make a wrong turn.[b] If she just kept going, eventually she would be able to make it to the other end of the woods, hopefully near town. [b] Your readers can think for themselves. Give them a vibe to pick up on, and most will pick up on it. You don't have to spoon-feed thoughts to them, which is what you're doing, granted accidentally.

[s]Still,[/s] the trees seemed to reach out for one another, blocking any clue that the sun was beaming just above her head. Everything [s]just[/s] got darker, and gloomier, and more forbidding. It seemed as though this small, forgotten path was going to go on throughout eternity. Riane felt her hope seeping away.

[s]But what was that up ahead? Could it be... It was![/s] A smile broke onto Riane’s face as she noticed light seeping through a break in the trees ahead of her. It was so bright it was [s]almost[/s] like a beacon, beckoning her to a promised safety and dry clothing. Quantifiers are not good. You don't need them. In the future, root them out.

Unable to contain herself, Riane took off running towards the light. She [s]almost[/s] stumbled more than once on an upturned root or wayward stone, but she didn’t care. Her freedom from the horror that shrouded her was only a few steps away. A small giggle of uncontained glee welled up and bubbled over inside of her chest as she barreled her way through the opening in the trees[s]…[/s]Unnecessary.

It was a clearing, and it was perfectly circular. In the middle of the sea of deep green was a giant oak tree. As the wind swept by, the grass bowed to it in awesome wonder, and the giant wriggled its sage fingers in reply. Riane would have thought it all [s]simply[/s] beautiful, if she wasn’t so disappointed. I'd like to see Riane's emotions at some point, than be told them.

The only thing keeping Riane on her feet was the strange tug she felt in her mind to go and sit under the oak. Every weary step caused the giant to grow i[s]n size.[/s]How else would it grow? Soon enough Riane found herself covered in its shadow as it loomed over her in a protective way. Every branch, every crisp leaf seemed to reach out to her as if for an embrace. Riane was mesmerized. She no longer felt the weight of fatigue nagging at her limbs, but felt as light as air. Her fear and desperateness was washed away by [s]mere[/s] curiosity and wonder. This tree was pure magic, and she wanted to touch it.

Fingers itching, she raised her palm to let it rest against the rough bark of the tree. [s]But[/s] as soon as her hand had made contact, the bark underneath it began to glow and grow hot. Startled, Riane went to pull her hand away,[/] but she couldn’t. It was if her hand had been welded to the surface of the tree. [b]No, it was if she had become the tree.[/b]<--- I think you need to do something about that sentence. I'm not a fan of the "give one comparison and then double track and say something else." You can compare multiple things, but saying one thing and then "no" is a bit irritating, [/b] The sheer power of it was so raw, it caused her to gasp aloud in shock. She could feel everything, the air curling around her fingers, the scrape of a robin’s talons as it landed on one of the oak’s many branches above her. She could hear the river gushing from miles away as a deer dipped its head into its shallows for a quick drink. The forest around her seemed to come alive in vibrant shades and hues [s]of color[/s] she’d never noticed before. It was as if her senses had been put into hyper drive. And all of this happened in the spilt second before the giant swallowed Riane whole in a vibrant light, leaving no trace of her behind to be discovered.

I'm going to start out by saying that you are an excellent writer, far better than me. I really don't care if you ignore all of this, it's your story and you know the characters way better than me.

§Chapter one§

The Tree

[s]“The Road goes ever on and on

Down from the door where it began.

Now far ahead the Road has gone,

And I must follow, if I can.

Pursuing it with eager feet,

Until it joins some larger way.

Where many paths and errands meet.

And whither then? I cannot say.”

-The Lord of the Rings by JRR Tolkien[/s]

The morning was a quiet one, the forest only beginning to [s]awaken[/s] awake . The sun crept lazily over the horizon, splashing the world in radiant hues of red and yellow. It's a bit repetitive, there's two compound sentences right next to each other. Riane shut the door to her grandmother’s cabin[s],[/s] so as not to disturb its sleeping inhabitant. She was becoming quite good at keeping the door from squeaking whenever she opened it [s]now[/s]. Taking in a deep breath of the crisp[s],[/s] August air, she [s]made her way[/s] find a synonym for 'made her way'- along the [s]path that led to the forest[/s] passive voice=bad. Say 'path to the forest' instead.

Everything was still. The only sounds to be heard [s]was[/s] were her footfalls as they hit the leaf-littered earth. Once in awhile, a bird could be heard overhead, but it's voice never lasted [s]for[/s] longer than a few seconds. [s]They[/s]The birds didn’t seem to be in a very talkative mood this morning.

Still, Riane enjoyed the quiet. It never lasted long [s]anyhow[/s], not in this place. The forest was [s]like[/s] her safe haven, a place she could go [s]to[/s] and feel right at home. Something is missing. A haven is a sanctuary. Does she go there to avoid troubles at home? You should say she goes there to be away from something. She was [s]getting good[/s]becoming very skilled[/s] at covering her tracks[s],[/s][i]. [s]or going[/s]She would go deep into the woods where others couldn’t follow, not that anyone [s]had[/s] ever tried.

As Riane went deeper [s]and deeper[/s] into the canopy of trees, the creatures of the forest began to [s]wake[/s]arouse. Noisy birds twittered above[s] her unseen[/s]. The smaller creatures, like rabbits, could be heard [s]making their way[/s]try scampering[i] through the thick underbrush[s] on the path ahead[/s]. [s]Once,[/s] a nervous squirrel ran [s]out[/s] in front of Riane, only to dart into a nearby tree when it [s]had[/s] spotted her. [s]Angrily[/s] it chattered at her [i]angrily[s],[/s] from the safety of a high branch[s], for getting in its way[/s]. Riane [s]only[/s]meerely smiled and continued on her way.

Hello,

I thought this was really good. It's well written, and it flows well. I especially liked how descriptive your writing is.

There aren't any spelling or grammar suggestions I would make. The prose already flows smoothly. Like I said, this is really good.

I'm curious about this: who's Riane, why is she living with her grandmother, what was chasing her in the woods and why? Since this is only Chapter 1, I assume the answers to those questions will be coming.

The only suggestion I have is that the writing seems a little bit cumbersome at times. Sometimes, simpler is better. This is just a personal preference though, and I'm being really picky because there is nothing else I see that you could improve.

Overall, I can just say WOW, keep up the descriptive writing (that thing that happened with the tree was cool, I could feel it) and please post another chapter soon because I want to read more!