Published November 3, 2008
Hullo everyone! I just wanted to leave a small note about this poem(s). It is the same poem written from two points of view. The first is written from the boy's point of view. The other- obviously- is written from the girl's point of view. Well, I hope you like it. Just, go easy on me, please? It's practically my first decent poem(s) ever.
-MQ
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Out in the garden, we sit and wait
Looking to the other, determining our fate
you brush my hand, I touch your cheek
Slowly we start to move our feet
Life began for us ten years ago
Your heart so pure, like fresh fallen snow
"Forever," I'd promised you, and then
Hands clasped together, into darkness we ran
Fighting through tears of laughter and shame
Only children, we couldn't know this game
Yet here we stand and older still
We understand nothing and perhaps never will
Staring into your eyes, I wish I could kiss you
I love you so much, but you never knew
Holding you close, we silently dance
I should have spoken when I had the chance
Instead I am mute, I let my words die
This pain is enough, our last goodbye
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Out in the garden, we sit and wait
Looking to the other, determining our fate
I take your hand, you brush my cheek
Slowly we start to move our feet
Life began for us ten years ago
Your eyes were so pale, like fresh fallen snow
"Forever," You'd promised me, and then
Your hand in mine, into darkness we ran
Tears, laughter, sorrow, and pain
We lived through it all, our own little game
Now here we stand and older still
The rules have changed, so has my will
You stare deep in my eyes, I wish you would kiss me
I love you so much, but you can't seem to see
You're holding me close; we silently dance
If only I'd spoken when I had the chance
My soul pours over, I start to cry
This hurts me too much, our last goodbye
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Thanks so much for reading this, you guys! I just wanted to point out, I know there's something fishy about the fifth-to-last line in the girl's part, but I have no idea how to fix it. Any suggestions?
_MQ
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139,585 Literary Works • 672,611 Reviews
Couldn't find anything minimally wrong. I honestly and simply loved it. The two versions worked together and i think it was a great idea to show the two sides of the story.
Simple, but meaningful. Resuming (not that this is very long lol) great work. Keep on writing!
i don't see anything wrong with the fifth -to-last line but i would put that line
" I love you so much, but you close your eyes ,
afraid to see what your really mean to me."
that was what i would put other then that i really liked you poem sweet and simple from both points of veiw