Preface
It was snowing, the world sleeping underneath a soft white blanket. The night was serene and calm; not even the wind dared to disturb it. Not a noise could be heard for miles around. She was completely and utterly alone.
She stood out in the cold, a dark silhouette contrasted against a white world. Letting out a sharp, steady breath she wondered what it was that she had been searching for out here. What had she come out here for? Looking on with watering eyes to the barren land ahead of her, she scanned it for any signs of life. Nothing.
“Princess?” a boy came up behind her, the sage green color of his hair was freckled in spots of white from the melting snow. His tawny eyes were distraught with worry for her. This she did not appreciate. She turned her eyes back to the wasteland in front of her, ignoring the boy completely.
“I really think we should be leaving now, Your Highness,” his voice shook nervously as he took another uneasy step towards her. She didn’t turn around.
“Princess,” another, older boy came up on her other side and put a hand on her shoulder. “They are not here. No one is. It is time for us to move on,” unlike his brother, he didn’t allow his emotions to show so easily. Even so, she could feel the pity and sorrow coming off him in waves . It made her feel ill.
“I know that. I just wish to pay my respects,” she replied in a sharp tone. She jerked her arm out from under his olive-skinned hand. The older boy paused then gave a slight nod as he went to join his brother where he stood.
The wind picked up around them, blowing the freshly fallen snow in all different directions. Rikku thought she’d spotted the dark forms of people coming towards them out of the gloom, but knew it was only her eyes playing tricks on her.
Walking forward, she noticed something half-buried beneath the snow. She bent down to pick it up, the wind blowing through her as she did. She barely noticed. Brushing off what she’d found, she noticed gleaming sliver hidden under streaks of black. It was a spearhead. Slowly she stood up, taking the spearhead with her.
“I’m so sorry,” she murmured as she brought it close to her chest, her eyes closed. A single tear escaped, freezing on her cheek. She wiped it away. After a moment, she put the spearhead into her pocket and walked back to where her comrades awaited. This was no longer a time for shedding tears. It was time to leave the past where it belonged. Behind her.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Very good beginning. I love it. Please continue with it! Now on with the critique.
I didn't see any major grammar mistakes, so good job in that area.
[quote]His tawny eyes were distraught with worry for her. This she did not appreciate. [quote]
I think you should connect these two sentances. It would certainly flow better if you did.
You were very descriptive and I cant wait to see what you post next. Please PM me when you get more out.
*gold star*
Good job and keep writing!
This is really nice, very descriptive, to the point where I was sure I was looking at a picture book and not just words. lol
I also like the characterization that you give each of the characters. They are distinct.
I think the only thing left is to describe where they are, not just the surrounding environment, but also the actual world, land, or kingdom.
And I'm curious to what exactly happened. Was there a battle? Does she have to fight the bad person herself? Did she lose someone important?
I'm excited for the next part.
Hey,
AWWWW, I have a lump in my throat!. Please write more. I thought it was a really beautiful but short story
Rikuku? kind of a weird name but I suppose some of my character names are worse. It was really magical
but short I can't wait to see what happens next, who did she lose? princess of what?
Queen,
Hello! Welcome to YWS - hopefully you’ll come to love this site ^^ First thing first, though - there’s a rule as far as posting stories is concerned. To do so, you must critique at least two others, ones posted by other people. Your review count is zero - have to change that, you.
Back to your piece, though. It’s extremely short, but I guess that’s okay with Prefaces. Me, I don’t like them, but okay (:
To that shortness - I don’t have anything constructive to say because of that. Single tears are extremely cliché? Hmm. Who cries a single tear? Is that even possible?
Dialogue punctuation. You had small bits of dialogue in here, but that stood out: “comma, quote, minors” doesn’t look to well when it should be “period, quote, capitals”. Examples?
Quote:
“I really think we should be leaving now, Your Highness,” his voice shook nervously as he took another uneasy step towards her.
Quote:
“Princess,” another, older boy came up on her other side and put a hand on her shoulder.
Quote:
It is time for us to move on,” unlike his brother,
On the brighter side, the rest is fine. See, up there - that wasn’t a description of the action of saying. Or whatever. I don’t know, heh. What I mean is:
“Alice likes her cat,” she said.
“Alice likes her cat!” she screamed.
“Alice liked her cat?” she asked.
“Alice liked her cat…” Her voice trailed off.
“Alice likes her cat.” She turned to face XYW.
Generally though - to not repeat myself on the shortness - I think I liked this piece, as far as anyone can like it. I mean, nothing happened, so I can’t say much about the plot. There was really no character development, so I can’t say which characters I liked. Perks of a Preface? I don’t know.
It was well-written, though. Nice word-play, I guess.
Cheers,
Esme
That was amazing, i loved it, i could picture it so clearly in my mind bythe way you wrote, you should be really proad of yourself! I liked the added colour pink too lol, i cant wait to read more, and im glad that i am your first review! keep it up! i love fantasy stories like this, with princesses and battles and everything