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Young Writers Society



Beautiful Couple

by Mari1901


“You need to stop.” Carlota looked at Jack through the mirror as he spoke. He was standing in the door, and by his expression, you’d think he had seen the most horrifying tragedy. He closed the door and carefully locked it. It seemed like he didn’t want anyone else coming back in. He needn’t worry, though. Stella would be on her way out of the building soon.

“Why?” She took the brush from her vanity table and started brushing out the tangles in her dark, thick hair.

He stalked forward but halted in his tracks half a meter away from her. He raked his fingers though his hair, shoulders tight and high. “You are my wife.” His gaze moved to her hand. Her smooth, tan, and—most importantly—ringless hand. “You are my wife,” he repeated. She grimaced and put her hand on her lap. It just felt odd wearing the ring in private.

“I know. I was there at the wedding.”

“Then why don’t you act like my wife?” He walked the remaining fifty centimeters and placed his hands on the vanity table—one arm on either side of her. “Don’t you love me?”

His face was next to her. In the mirror, she could see what people meant. They were a striking couple. She had a constellation of dark freckles in her cheeks and nose, and her eyes were bright green—the contrast with her skin made them seem even brighter. Her lips were still swollen, her cheeks and chest flushed. And Jack. He was the best kind of rugged—he reminded her of a wolf. She could appreciate his beauty—you had to be blind not to. Big, gold eyes, sharp nose, and a squared jaw hidden by stubble. His wavy hair passed his chin and was now tickling her shoulder.

“I do love you.”

He tilted his head and started pressing kisses in her neck. She took a moment to look at both of them. He moved his hand from the table and touched her. It was innocent. Just a hand pressed flat against her abdomen. But then he started untying her robe and cupped her breast.

She pressed her lips into a line before speaking. “I love you; I don’t want you.”

She could feel his determination falter. He sighed—unpuffing his chest in the process—and stopped the trail of kisses. Jack stayed in place for another moment before moving away. He didn’t look at her and went to sit on the edge of the bed. He put his hands over his eyes and rubbed them.

She refused to believe that her rejection had stung him. She fixed her robe again and walked away from the mirror to sit next to him. Normally, she would put an arm across his shoulders to comfort him, but today she decided to leave her hands folded in her lap. This way he wouldn’t misconstrue anything.

“Talk to me,” she ordered. “What happened?”

“They know, Carlota. They know.” He glared at the floor and balled his fists.

She worked to keep her composure as her gut tangled itself into knots. “Who’s they?”

He turned his head to look at her and narrowed his eyes. “Everyone.” She kept quiet and waited for him to give her a better answer. “I heard some men in the guard joking about it.” He had a hard set on his jaw. “More me than you, actually. Your activities make them question my…virility.”

She let out a quiet sigh. Before she could catch herself, she reached out a hand to comfort him. It stayed hovering above his shoulder for a moment. She sighed and went ahead. He probably didn’t actually want her either. She rubbed his shoulder and combed back his hair. “I’m sorry that it embarrass you.”

“It is not that.” He shoved her arm away from him and stood up. “He knows. He. David. If they know, he knows.”

Her muscles became taut as she looked up at him. “He’s my brother,” she said between her teeth.

“So? You think you’d receive a different treatment because of that?”

She cringed, but then squared her shoulders again. “Yes. I do think that.”

He shook his head and flung his arms in the air. “Then you are stupid.”

She sprang to her feet and leaned forward. “I am not stupid. This is crazy, anyway. What century are we living in?”

“It is not the century. Like that matters? It is the situation, and this is the situation we are living in.” He matched her stance. They were nose to nose now.

“He is not cruel. He will snap of this phase. He’d die before hurting me.” She fisted her hand—nails cutting into her palms.

“When exactly is he going to? Tomorrow? A year from now? We are all waiting and meanwhile he has a whole army under his control. Like he is nowno. Like he is, he won’t hesitate to hurt you if you embarrass him. If you insult his beloved god.”

“You don’t know what—”

Both of their heads snapped to the door when they heard a knock.


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Sat Feb 13, 2016 2:54 pm
tigeraye wrote a review...



“You need to stop.” Carlota looked at Jack through the mirror as he spoke. He was standing in the door, and by his expression, you’d think he had seen the most horrifying tragedy. He closed the door and carefully locked it. It seemed like he didn’t want anyone else coming back in. He needn’t worry, though. Stella would be on her way out of the building soon.

“Why?” She took the brush from her vanity table and started brushing out the tangles in her dark, thick hair.


Who's saying what here?

They were a striking couple. She had a constellation of dark freckles in her cheeks and nose, and her eyes were bright green


Really nice detail. And I thought that having her not wear her wedding ring was a nice thing to show the central conflict of him not feeling that his wife loves him

But then it seems you start to abandon that conflict, and move onto something else...like they start to talk about a character that isn't really there.

Overall, this is a pretty fetching piece, and you have a nice way of capturing attention to your work -- I think I already said before that I liked your writing style, but I'll just say again that I like it. The only weakness is that it doesn't seem to stick to it's clear direction or plot line, but as far as actual writing, I consider it to be quality.




Mari1901 says...


Hey!
You are always so nice when you comment, it makes me blush. Even in your corrections, I can really tell you are trying to be helpful instead of mean. But to the story. I did try to follow a line, but I won%u2019t even start defending my story. If it did not speak for itself, I clearly did something wrong. I will (try) to fix it, and I will reupload it soon-ish. I hope that when I do, you read it again. I appreciate your feedback.



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Sat Feb 13, 2016 5:01 am
Virgil wrote a review...



This is Yams here for a review!

"Who is they" is the question the readers are asking too. I didn't really know what was going on, etc. I didn't know what you meant when he said, "He didn't want her" and this is a really confusing story. Is this a fantasy novel by the way you speak of it? Because with the army and the god mentioned at the end it may seem like it. It also could just be realistic fiction though.

I really don't like the guy main character. He seems childish to me and that he cares what everyone thinks and it's just an annoying trait.

The reader has no idea what's going on with this and we'd like to at least know the complete conflict. The story is confusing, so I suggest you write all of the characters down and then write their motives down? And which ones conflict with each other if you want.

It was frustrating to get through and he didn't want her though he touched her breast? The wife thing is confusing like everything else.

You may know all what's going on during the story but you're not putting that into the actual story so the reader doesn't know what's going on. I'm not saying you have to establish everything in the first 2,000 words, but I'm legit confused here.




Mari1901 says...


Hey!
Thanks for the review, and I%u2019m sorry I left you so confused. I was sort of experimenting with this one. I wanted to see if I could avoid stating bluntly in the story. I now see I way passed the line of what is acceptable. I%u2019ll try to do this one again, so that the reader can actually get it. Thank you for letting me know. <3



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Sat Feb 13, 2016 4:59 am
DeepCrystal wrote a review...



Intense. When I read the part about the swollen lips I was wondering was Jack responsible for that? Maybe her brother? Reading the first part, this felt like more of an abusive relationship and the second part feels like a relationship hidden from the world. By the end I was thinking "What hell is in store for these two?!". I do think you should put an age tag on this. Undoing her robe seems to warrant a 16+ rating, but that's just me. I recommend proofreading this as there were some errors. As I said above, the atmosphere seems to be inconsistent. Try to make it so that we know that this is just a guy and a girl who are frustrated and frightened by their situation. If you decided to make a novel out of this, I would support that decision.




Mari1901 says...


Hi!
Thanks for the review. I don%u2019t want to make a novel out of it, but it is intended to be part of something bigger. I am guilty of underwriting in this one, though. I%u2019ll try to rewrite it and make it clearer. Anyway, if you wanted to know, the person who left her lips swollen was Stella. I%u2019ll try to make THAT clearer.



Mari1901 says...


Okay. I have no idea what is happening with my apostrophes.




"She doesn't even go here!"
— Damian Leigh