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LoaMR: Ch. I: Unforgotten Murder 6 (Reworked)

by MailicedeNamedy


Yesterday, Léonard came for a visit. Friedrich was in the middle of a phone call when the bell rang, and Emma immediately ran downstairs. She thought it was Martha.

She did not recognise him immediately. The appearance and his clothes seemed familiar as she remembered seeing him at the cemetery and in the church.

"Good afternoon," Léonard greeted her.

"Hello," she returned shyly, "What can I do for you?"

"You´ve already helped me by opening the door. Is this the house of the von Preuß family?”

Emma didn't understand what he wanted at first.

He didn't introduce himself, she thought.

Uneasily, she held on to the handle. He must have noticed when she took a step back.

"Excuse me. I haven't introduced myself yet. My name is Léonard, and I am new in Sehlingen. I was told that a certain von Preuß family lived here."

"I'm Emma."

A feeling of warmth floated into her ears as she perceived his raspy voice.

"Is there anyone from your family at home?"

"Grandpa. He's on the phone. What do you want?" she added quickly.

She felt uncomfortable attacking him.

"I want to talk to you."

"What for? I don't know you at all."

Léonard smiled gently.

"We met at the cemetery."

Emma looked at her shoes.

"Yes," she admitted meekly, "you were at the Schäfer family grave."

He was silent.

"Are you related to them?"

He answered the question in the negative.

"I looked around a bit," he said. "That's when I noticed you. Were you following me?"

Just then Friedrich asked from above who was standing at the door.

"Martha!" cried Emma, running hastily upstairs.

Léonard stared into the cold hallway.

He waited for what was to come. A few seconds later, after sprinting up the steps, she was standing in front of him. With an unsuspecting push, she pressed him away from the door.

"You moved into the villa, didn't you?"

Léonard turned away from her.

"Why did you lie?"

Emma looked down the street. As a spy, she looked in all directions and hoped that no nosy washerwoman was watching out of a window. She gave him no answer. She seemed to calm down when she took him downstairs to the river. Only Michael, the lone fisherman, was present, dozing on the bank, not noticing, that a fish was at his rod. Further on, Emma did not utter a word. She dragged him as far as the cemetery before her tension eased.

The 100-Mile river became wider and lonelier. It is a very idyllic place to go for a walk. It was precisely this seclusion that Emma had chosen to talk to him. Far away from the Sehlingers, Emma could talk about anything without a guilty conscience.

"That's far enough," she murmured wearily.

They could no longer perceive anything of the village. Léonard sat down on a fallen tree trunk.

"Apparently."

He lit a cigarette.

"You're from the villa," she repeated, a little out of breath.

He took a puff and did not answer immediately.

"Why did you lie?"

He had noticed her change in attitude. She was more open.

"I don't know."

"It's true. I live in the mansion. It's my grandfather's house."

"You're a de Waarfay?" asked Emma, gobsmacked.

She sat down on the wood away from him. Careful not to soil her dress, they could gaze at the wall and the plateau.

"I thought you knew. Everyone in the village should know. “

"I know you live in the villa," she explained, "Half the village has already warned us about you."

Léonard chuckled.

"And yet you bring me to this forsaken place?"

"The residents' warnings are unfounded," she spoke with doubt.

The stump of the cigarette landed in the river.

"I am a de Waarfay. But I don't intend to harm anyone, rather I want to bring the truth to light."

"Which truth?"

"I'm petty, I bet you think that now," he laughed. "I want to prove that my grandfather had nothing to do with the murder of the policeman and his wife."

"That was so many years ago! Those were my great-grandparents! “

"It won't be easy. However, I already have proof. He was framed for the murder. The suicide was also a cleverly staged murder. “

"Is your grandpa still alive?"

Léonard ignored the question.

"Although this murder happened over fifty years ago, it seems like it was only yesterday in this village."

"Not much happens here. We are mostly dismissive to new people. This has come to a head one more time since the occupation and the war.”

"I see. Well, I came across your name in my research, Emma von Preuß. I figure the victim's family can tell me the most about what happened."

"Emma will do perfectly," she grinned. "I'm not a princess... my surname is Malven.“

A second cigarette brought out the scratchy smell.

"You think your grandpa is innocent? And you have proof?"

"Correct."

"I don't know anyone in my family except for mother, grandma and grandpa," she confessed, "We don't talk about it. But we get asked about it all the time in the village. The villa, de Waarfay, murder and stuff. “

"Very penetrating inhabitants..." grumbled Léonard. "So you can't even live in peace without the past catching up with you?"

"That doesn't bother me. How can I despise a person if I don't know them? Besides, they are merely doing it because they are concerned about me. “

"Many old people could take a leaf out of your book. That you brought me here shows your open heart."

"Forgive me for not being able to help you."

Léonard thought.

"You lied to your grandfather. Something would interest me."

"What?"

"Why here? You trust a strange adult despite everything."

"You don't look like a good-for-nothing."

Léonard choked. The cough ended in a superstitious fit of laughter.

"I've had a lot of things thrown at me. But the fact that I don't look like a good-for-nothing is new to me. What does a real good-for-nothing look like?"

Emma went to the river.

"I don't know. But you are not bad. I saw you when you went to the cemetery. I followed you right from the church because I was curious. Of course, I knew you had something to do with the villa and my family. We don't see many new faces in Sehlingen. “

"That's where you saw me?"

She turned to face him. The wind blew a gust towards her. The leaves trembled; the waves grew stronger. A trout snatched up a water strider. Ants gathered around a patch of earth without grass.

"I thought something exciting was about to start."

She giggled and followed the trout as it continued to look for unwary insects. Many little fish were hiding under the stones on the shore. Emma watched them anxiously.

Another wind blew brought her curled, bright, chocolate-brown hair to life. It waved around her face. She showed him an embarrassed smile. The childlike, umber eyes looked naive. Her roundish head was dominated by cuddly cheeks. A long pearl necklace hid under her clay brown dress.

Emma was taller than Martha, a little wide at the hips with plump limbs. You didn't notice it because she wore her dress every day, however, her athletic quality also showed when she had to run after someone. Léonard noticed her dirty and uneven fingernails. Puncture wounds were visible. He didn´t know that Emma helped out either peeling vegetables or sewing but was rather mediocre at both as soon as she thought she had to do the job in a hurry. She was embarrassed and reserved, seeing herself as nothing unique, she nevertheless struggled to get where she wanted to go. This was especially evident in her stubbornness. He could only guess that.

He kept a low profile and kept an eye on Emma. She was a child. A guileless girl without much experience about real life. Now she was thinking of the great adventure. Léonard laughed inside. He was the same at her age. Seeking adventure and escaping the world.

"It doesn't get exciting. I'm taking care of old family business,” he said, hoping she would start to argue with him.

"I want to help you. Please! For example, I can guide you through the village! I can explain to the villagers what you're doing. That you are not evil. “

"Please don't do that. Making it clear to the inhabitants what I am up to, makes them reach for the pitchfork faster. I don't want you to end up at the stake as a witch. “

"Please! I want to help you! After all, it's about my family too!"

He stood on his feet.

"Let's go back. Your grandfather must be worried already."

She said nothing in reply. Somewhat offended by the refusal, she followed him. Léonard smiled.

"Great-grandfather is not buried in the cemetery," she interjected.

Léonard looked up.

"Only Johanna. They buried him in the field behind without much fuss. If you go past gravedigger Kaspar's house, you'll be in the Stolz family's pasture. There's a fenced-in birch tree. He lies there."

"Really? That's interesting news," he said kindly.

"You won't find anything in our village. The documents are probably in Speckern or Lödingen," Emma said euphorically. "I'm sure they'll help you there.

"Just like in the town hall..."

"What happened?"

"Another time... Tell me, can you ride a bike?"

"No."

"What a pity. It must be nice to ride along the river until you're far away from the history of the world."

Past the 100-Mile river, the only way led back to Sehlingen. There the two parted ways. Emma told him stories from the village and tried to link them to her family in order to be of some help to him. She was possibly waiting for Léonard's answer, which he denied her that day. Hungry for adventure, she almost followed him to the mansion, but they parted ways at the cemetery.

Léonard was pleased.

END OF CHAPTER I

To Chapter II


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Sun Jan 30, 2022 4:29 pm
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yosh wrote a review...



itsame mario back again for another review

so i guess i'm finally on the last part of chapter one, which is great, because I think my reviews have been so far apart that they must be getting kind of bothersome, but I promise I will try to increase my speed

"Hello," she returned shyly, "What can I do for you?"

"You´ve already helped me by opening the door. Is this the house of the von Preuß family?”


Since Leonard said 'you've already helped me by opening the door', you should probably have Emma say 'how can i help you'.

She felt uncomfortable attacking him.


I understood what you were saying here, but honestly, the 'attacking' felt a bit wrong for me, because I immediately had the mental image of Emma banging Leonard on the head with the door handle.

Again, the chapter is quite short, so there's not very much to say about it, but I will do my best.

I think Emma's reaction to Leonard was quite surprising, and the fact that she lied to her grandfather about him was even more so. I'm honestly hoping for something to happen soon. It feels like this entire Chapter 1 has been about Leonard going around saying that he's going to prove that his ancestor is innocent. But anyway, I liked the descriptions in the middle.

The pacing was just right, although it felt a little slow at the beginning. My suggestion is that you probably don't need to make the conversations sound realistic, as long as they offer the reader more information. At least for me, that's the kind of story I'd prefer to write or read. For example, getting to the main points of the conversations faster, and getting rid of small parts, although it wasn't that big in this part.

But for example:

"Good afternoon."

"Hello. What can I do for you?"

"You´ve already helped me by opening the door. Is this the house of the von Preuß family?”

"Excuse me. I haven't introduced myself yet. My name is Léonard, and I am new in Sehlingen. I was told that a certain von Preuß family lived here."

"I'm Emma."


Basically, this is a conversation that's a bit slow. Leonard starts off with a greeting, in which Emma replies with a greeting of her own, and a simple question. Leonard then answers, then asks a question of his own, and then adds another dialogue afterward, introducing himself and backing up is question, and then Emma introduces herself. Now, obviously, this is a great dialogue if it were two real people talking to each other, but in a story, some readers may not have the patience to read that much.

Shortening it to one or two phrases less won't do much, but when you arrive to chunkier conversations, it can really keep a reader hooked. The example above is really not that big of a problem.

Anyways, this part was nice! I'm excited for Chapter II, and I'm very glad you've put the links at the end of the chapters lol.

-crabe yosh




MailicedeNamedy says...


Thank you very much for your review! :D And if you want to speed up, you could also only review the last part of a chapter after reading them. :D



yosh says...


oooh maybe I'll do that

(ah but i wont be able to get as much review points so i dunno)



MailicedeNamedy says...


Points are not everything. :D (Says the one with 105k points)



yosh says...


:D



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KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Okay....I'll cut to the chase here. This is perhaps my least favorite part so far, there where a quite a few questionable things and besides some of the dialogue and descriptions, the other parts were a bit awkward here. More details on all that down below.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Yesterday, Léonard came for a visit. Friedrich was in the middle of a phone call when the bell rang, and Emma immediately ran downstairs. She thought it was Martha.

She did not recognise him immediately. The appearance and his clothes seemed familiar as she remembered seeing him at the cemetery and in the church.

"Good afternoon," Léonard greeted her.

"Hello," she returned shyly, "What can I do for you?"

"You´ve already helped me by opening the door. Is this the house of the von Preuß family?”


Léonard, where did that line come from? That sounds a little odd to be a greeting used to talk to someone whose a complete stranger. Also hmm, so this is the story I suppose from Emma's perspective, this is a teensy bit of a jarring point to break there, cause for a second I was lost there. Yeah, I know I have literally no right to point out something like this cause I break chapters in parts at the worst times, but you know...shameless and all that

Emma didn't understand what he wanted at first.

He didn't introduce himself, she thought.

Uneasily, she held on to the handle. He must have noticed when she took a step back.

"Excuse me. I haven't introduced myself yet. My name is Léonard, and I am new in Sehlingen. I was told that a certain von Preuß family lived here."

"I'm Emma."

A feeling of warmth floated into her ears as she perceived his raspy voice.


Okay...so this is kind of reading like a flashback rather than a retelling of a story, its like one of the movie scenes where a character starts to speak about something and then we cut to a totally different scene. If it is mean to be a flashback, this is great, but um, you should maybe try to distinguish this somehow to show that, like by using italics or something like that, just so we know its not part of the present. Also the warmth in her ears, is that out of embarrassment or am I sensing something else there?...Or am I reading too much into this cause I've been reading far too many fluffy fanfics recently.

"Is there anyone from your family at home?"

"Grandpa. He's on the phone. What do you want?" she added quickly.

She felt uncomfortable attacking him.

"I want to talk to you."

"What for? I don't know you at all."

Léonard smiled gently.

"We met at the cemetery."


Okay...her discomfort I feel like should be worded differently, like you can she was uncomfortable, but not by outright calling it that, more like saying she was having second thoughts of something. Could just be me, but this current way sounds a bit off. Also hmm, Léonard being very direct there with the whole cemetery thing in interesting, I don't think he caught a good enough glimpse to positively identify, he isn't Sherlock Holmes after all, but this is mostly him going out on a bit of a limb.

Emma looked at her shoes.

"Yes," she admitted meekly, "you were at the Schäfer family grave."

He was silent.

"Are you related to them?"

He answered the question in the negative.

"I looked around a bit," he said. "That's when I noticed you. Were you following me?"


OKayy....he's getting right in there with some proper probing questions huh? I wonder where he intends to go here. As far as a scale of one to ten goes when it comes to interviewing people who may have information goes, I'm gonna have to rank Léonard at most a 2. Sorry buddy, but that is amateur level right there.

Also um, did Léonard get so excited there as to answer his own question or I think you might have dropped and s somewhere.

Just then Friedrich asked from above who was standing at the door.

"Martha!" cried Emma, running hastily upstairs.

Léonard stared into the cold hallway.

He waited for what was to come. A few seconds later, after sprinting up the steps, she was standing in front of him. With an unsuspecting push, she pressed him away from the door.


Interesting move....very interesting move...I wonder why she would do something like that...to a complete stranger, covering up like that and going out of her way to talk...there has to be something more that she knows.

"You moved into the villa, didn't you?"

Léonard turned away from her.

"Why did you lie?"

Emma looked down the street. As a spy, she looked in all directions and hoped that no nosy washerwoman was watching out of a window. She gave him no answer. She seemed to calm down when she took him downstairs to the river. Only Michael, the lone fisherman, was present, dozing on the bank, not noticing, that a fish was at his rod. Further on, Emma did not utter a word. She dragged him as far as the cemetery before her tension eased.


Umm...I think you mean like a spy, cause the way that's reason, it seems to suggest Emma is actually a spy..but hmm, this seems like its going somewhere interesting, Léonard clearly having no idea what's going on and Emma clearly looking for a private spot to talk here.

The 100-Mile river became wider and lonelier. It is a very idyllic place to go for a walk. It was precisely this seclusion that Emma had chosen to talk to him. Far away from the Sehlingers, Emma could talk about anything without a guilty conscience.

"That's far enough," she murmured wearily.

They could no longer perceive anything of the village. Léonard sat down on a fallen tree trunk.


Well Léonard is being extraordinarily silent about this interaction that has to be suuper awkward cause he has no idea what's going on.

"Apparently."

He lit a cigarette.

"You're from the villa," she repeated, a little out of breath.

He took a puff and did not answer immediately.

"Why did you lie?"

He had noticed her change in attitude. She was more open.

"I don't know."


Okayy....ahh, as short and quick as this dialogue is here, I think you capture this situation perfectly here. Léonard is acting a little weird, I expect to him to be a bit more inquisitive rather than relaxing and starting to smoke...but um...the awkward multiple repetitions of those lines as they both kind of try to figure out what to say is pretty true to the situation happening here.

"It's true. I live in the mansion. It's my grandfather's house."

"You're a de Waarfay?" asked Emma, gobsmacked.

She sat down on the wood away from him. Careful not to soil her dress, they could gaze at the wall and the plateau.

"I thought you knew. Everyone in the village should know. “

"I know you live in the villa," she explained, "Half the village has already warned us about you."


Well I'm gonna take that to mean that she doesn't believe in any of that, but this is still a really strange thing to do for someone she's never met before...I don't believe for a second its simply cause thinks its unfair.

Léonard chuckled.

"And yet you bring me to this forsaken place?"

"The residents' warnings are unfounded," she spoke with doubt.

The stump of the cigarette landed in the river.

"I am a de Waarfay. But I don't intend to harm anyone, rather I want to bring the truth to light."


Well...that much we know to be somewhat true, I'm not totally ruling out Léonard from being a suspicious character, cause he kinda is but also this conversation slowly becoming a bit too stilted here.

"Which truth?"

"I'm petty, I bet you think that now," he laughed. "I want to prove that my grandfather had nothing to do with the murder of the policeman and his wife."

"That was so many years ago! Those were my great-grandparents! “

"It won't be easy. However, I already have proof. He was framed for the murder. The suicide was also a cleverly staged murder. “


Baa baa, this is stuff we already know Léonard, we're gonna need wayyy more facts that. These are all conclusion you can draw from just the description of the murder, I'm gonna need to see much more effort on this part here.

"Is your grandpa still alive?"

Léonard ignored the question.

"Although this murder happened over fifty years ago, it seems like it was only yesterday in this village."

"Not much happens here. We are mostly dismissive to new people. This has come to a head one more time since the occupation and the war.”


Okay, Léonard pointedly ignoring that question is very interesting indeed...and I like how Emma does sort of capture the essence of the root of the animosity that the villagers share, its the one reason I can't fully suspect anyone in the village just yet, cause all of them have a different motive to be mad at Léonard.

"I see. Well, I came across your name in my research, Emma von Preuß. I figure the victim's family can tell me the most about what happened."

"Emma will do perfectly," she grinned. "I'm not a princess... my surname is Malven.“


Bit forward there, aren't we Emma? I am seriously suspecting something going on here now...

A second cigarette brought out the scratchy smell.

"You think your grandpa is innocent? And you have proof?"

"Correct."

"I don't know anyone in my family except for mother, grandma and grandpa," she confessed, "We don't talk about it. But we get asked about it all the time in the village. The villa, de Waarfay, murder and stuff. “

"Very penetrating inhabitants..." grumbled Léonard. "So you can't even live in peace without the past catching up with you?"


OKay...well while I don't mind this conversation so far...I feel like this is acting kind of like a summary of what we already know and for that reason I feel like it has no business being as long as it is, cause honestly, if this dialogue isn't going to add anything, it needs to be put in a shorter summary of sorts until we can skip to something better...cause after the first few lines, its getting a touch boring.

"That doesn't bother me. How can I despise a person if I don't know them? Besides, they are merely doing it because they are concerned about me. “

"Many old people could take a leaf out of your book. That you brought me here shows your open heart."

"Forgive me for not being able to help you."


Hmm...I think a few expressions sprinkled in here would be good...coming from me I know, once again a bit hypocritical but this is really going to be an issue unless you show a few more facial expressions here...right now the image you set up earlier has already faded away and these two have become two voices in a dark void.

Léonard thought.

"You lied to your grandfather. Something would interest me."

"What?"

"Why here? You trust a strange adult despite everything."

"You don't look like a good-for-nothing."

Léonard choked. The cough ended in a superstitious fit of laughter.


See...this is all just ringing all sorts of alarm bells within me...where are you going with this conversation Emma? Where are you going with this?

"I don't know. But you are not bad. I saw you when you went to the cemetery. I followed you right from the church because I was curious. Of course, I knew you had something to do with the villa and my family. We don't see many new faces in Sehlingen. “

"That's where you saw me?"


That is some proper following skills right there, are we sure she shouldn't be the one doing the detective, cause so far she's proven her skills a lot more than Léonard has at the moment.

She turned to face him. The wind blew a gust towards her. The leaves trembled; the waves grew stronger. A trout snatched up a water strider. Ants gathered around a patch of earth without grass.

"I thought something exciting was about to start."

She giggled and followed the trout as it continued to look for unwary insects. Many little fish were hiding under the stones on the shore. Emma watched them anxiously.


Hmm....I feel like describing more of her and less of the river would be a bit better on this occasion, these details just feel a bit out of place here.

Another wind blew brought her curled, bright, chocolate-brown hair to life. It waved around her face. She showed him an embarrassed smile. The childlike, umber eyes looked naive. Her roundish head was dominated by cuddly cheeks. A long pearl necklace hid under her clay brown dress.

Emma was taller than Martha, a little wide at the hips with plump limbs. You didn't notice it because she wore her dress every day, however, her athletic quality also showed when she had to run after someone. Léonard noticed her dirty and uneven fingernails. Puncture wounds were visible. He didn´t know that Emma helped out either peeling vegetables or sewing but was rather mediocre at both as soon as she thought she had to do the job in a hurry. She was embarrassed and reserved, seeing herself as nothing unique, she nevertheless struggled to get where she wanted to go. This was especially evident in her stubbornness. He could only guess that.


Uhh...did this just go from a flashback by Emma to Léonard's thoughts about her...cause uhhh, very weird and very sudden POV switch there, if this is still her current memory, this really doesn't work here...not to mention, why would she even talk about her own appearance when she's telling a story to Martha. This is kind of getting a bit lost now.

He kept a low profile and kept an eye on Emma. She was a child. A guileless girl without much experience about real life. Now she was thinking of the great adventure. Léonard laughed inside. He was the same at her age. Seeking adventure and escaping the world.

"It doesn't get exciting. I'm taking care of old family business,” he said, hoping she would start to argue with him.

"I want to help you. Please! For example, I can guide you through the village! I can explain to the villagers what you're doing. That you are not evil. “


Again, I love to see Léonard's reaction here, don't get me wrong, but if you want to show this, just write this scene in the present and have Emma meet Martha some other time. Right now, with this meant to be in the past and the ending of the previous chapter suggesting this is a flashback of sorts told by Emma, it just doesn't work....also what reason could Emma possibly have to want to help him? And I am not buying the adventure excuse.

"Please don't do that. Making it clear to the inhabitants what I am up to, makes them reach for the pitchfork faster. I don't want you to end up at the stake as a witch. “

"Please! I want to help you! After all, it's about my family too!"

He stood on his feet.

"Let's go back. Your grandfather must be worried already."

She said nothing in reply. Somewhat offended by the refusal, she followed him. Léonard smiled.


See now that I can somewhat accept, wanting to find out the truth about what happened to her great grandfather could perhaps be a justifiable reason...

"Only Johanna. They buried him in the field behind without much fuss. If you go past gravedigger Kaspar's house, you'll be in the Stolz family's pasture. There's a fenced-in birch tree. He lies there."

"Really? That's interesting news," he said kindly.

"You won't find anything in our village. The documents are probably in Speckern or Lödingen," Emma said euphorically. "I'm sure they'll help you there.


Okay..now she decides to actually give some helpful information, now I'm wondering why she was apologizing about not being able to help earlier...cause really, this is her actually being kinda super helpful.

"Just like in the town hall..."

"What happened?"

"Another time... Tell me, can you ride a bike?"

"No."

"What a pity. It must be nice to ride along the river until you're far away from the history of the world."

Past the 100-Mile river, the only way led back to Sehlingen. There the two parted ways. Emma told him stories from the village and tried to link them to her family in order to be of some help to him. She was possibly waiting for Léonard's answer, which he denied her that day. Hungry for adventure, she almost followed him to the mansion, but they parted ways at the cemetery.

Léonard was pleased.


Yeah, so ending things off firmly in Léonard's POV there, I really think you should take a second look at how you want this structured. And this strange little bit of friendship here just feels a bit sudden to me...either there's an ulterior motive or two hidden somewhere here, or this is just a bit weird and out of the blue.

Aaaaand that's it for this one.

Overall: Overall, I think this is something that needs a bit of rethink, especially with regards to the POV. That's the main issue I have, cause if this was read as a continuous piece from the previous, this would really be very weird, not to mention this sudden friendship is also a bit odd.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




MailicedeNamedy says...


Thank you very much for your feedback! :D This was an extremely helpful review that helped me with perspective. I can see how you took it apart. I'll try to restructure this part a bit or rewrite it completely.



KateHardy says...


Ahh you're welcome!! Glad I could be helpful!! :D Its always the most wonderful feeling to hear that :D



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ForeverYoung299 wrote a review...



Hey!! Forever here with a review!!

Just then Friedrich asked from above who was standing at the door.

I would rewrite this line to make this a bit clearer.

As this chapter is full of dialogues, I would suggest to insert the speaker sometimes. Sometimes, it was bwcoming a bit difficult to understand who the speaker actually was.

Emma was taller than Martha, a little wide at the hips with plump limbs. You didn't notice it because she wore her dress every day, however, her athletic quality also showed when she had to run after someone

This portion kind of felt very sudden and well, out of scene. You suddenly started comparing Emma and Martha. Leonard doesn't even know Martha in a good manner. So, that's strange. Also the use of "you". When you are describing something, in third person, it's better not to use this "you". It gives a second person vibe, you know.

And at last the first chapter ended! I think this chapter was a bit longer than a chapter should be. Considering it's the first chapter, I don't think it's such a huge problem. I have read many works whose first chapters are the longest. However, I hope the latter chapters will be shorter than this.

Now, I don't understand the exact reason why Emma described the whole thing to Martha in such a manner. I mean she seemd to be very sad and
terrified. However, the conversation we have here wasn't very harsh and had a polite tone. Emma seems to be a good person and has some similarities with Martha. Now considering that Emma is innocent and a little childish, it can be assumed that she is sad because Leonard refused her help for the time. Now, I think she can be a trouble in Leonard's way foe this childishness. If she goes and tell all the villagers, the culprit will be quite warned... I hope she will not do anything like that.

Anyway, it was a great first chapter and enough to capture the reader's interest.

Keep Writing!!

~Forever




MailicedeNamedy says...


Thank you for your review! :D



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Thu Sep 02, 2021 8:05 pm
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RandomTalks wrote a review...



Hey Mailice!

RandomTalks here with a review!

I had initially thought that I would read through all the parts and start reviewing from Chapter 4. However, this world that you have built up has interested me so much that I feel like I need to share my thoughts with you. So I will review the last part of every chapter, and then begin reviewing from chapter 4. Hopefully, after my exams I will get back to all the other parts.

Now onto the story!

You have such a lovely writing style. The way you narrate your stories has this gentle far off kind of voice that simply holds your attention and makes you listen. I like how you start each of your parts from a neutral point and then zoom into your characters and their lives. The descriptions you use are extremely mesmerizing, and what I love most about them is how well proportionated they are. You include just the right amount of descriptions to set up a scene and arrest the reader's attention without sounding repetitive.

Your characters are very fleshed out as well. I like how we keep on learning more about each character in every part. Makes them more realistic, as I don't think we can ever really stop learning about a person. Leonard is a very unique character in himself, and I like the 'roguish' side of his personality. He is playful and intelligent and most of the time I feel like he knows exactly what he is doing or what he is heading for. He doesn't seem to care about much, except perhaps his sister who we first got to know about in part 2. I feel like if you include a bit more about his relationship with the other people in his life, we will not only get to see his mysterious side but his humanistic one as well.

Emma is one of the later characters we got introduced to, but after reading your overview and especially this chapter, I can tell that she plays a big role in the story. She seems to be a young free-spirited girl looking for adventure and excitement in life. Still there is this innocence about her that makes me feel like she is someone can easily land herself in trouble. The fact that she simply led Leonard away from population to the river just because he did not look like a 'good for nothing' proves that she is still naive about the ways of the world.

This chapter felt like it was a recollection of Leonard's visit to her house, but still I think you should specify that somehow. I liked the interaction between them, but I had this feeling that at the end Leonard got everything that he wanted out of the visit, which for some reason makes me a little wary. While Emma was open and excited around him, he felt a lot more guarded and calculative in the way he shared information. But I still do not get why Emma was so grave in the previous chapter when she visited Martha. It cannot be just because Leonard had refused her, can it? I don't know, maybe we will find out.

Just a detail:

It is a very idyllic place to go for a walk. It was precisely this seclusion that Emma had chosen to talk to him.

In the first sentence, you use 'is' which kind of messes with the tense of the story. And the second sentence feels like it is a little incomplete. Perhaps it can be better written as:
"It was precisely 'because of' this seclusion that Emma had chosen to talk to him."

That's all. Looking forward to reading Chapter 2!

Have a great day!




MailicedeNamedy says...


Thank you so much for your review! :D



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Fri Jun 25, 2021 7:23 pm
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Brigadier wrote a review...



Hey there Malice. I’m not sure if you wanted another review from me or not, but this was still hanging around the green room so I’m trying to get through all of your chapters. I’m starting to have a better understanding of your story so I do have some more helpful suggestions now that I’m moving right along.

I might have mentioned this before but the main things to bother me so far in this work is the blocks of description along with the way that you’re using your lines of dialogue. There’s no real technical problem with the dialogue or else you would be getting a very different review from me. I’m guessing you’ve made it far enough along in your writing life to understand most of the nuances that come with dialogue formatting. But if you ever need to brush up on it, we do have a resources article for that.

My problem with the dialogue, instead, is how uninteresting much of it is. You’ve succeeded in creating this wonderful story with an initial compelling plot that does interest me to read further. I’ve only had a few glimpses of your characters, but I already know a lot about them due to your great detail. I think with more time you’ll begin to learn how to better formulate those chunks of accumulated data into the story narration, so it doesn’t worry me too much at this point in time. Perhaps in the future.

I can understand why a lot of your dialogue is very short and simple and the characters are not exchanging much information. They already know all that they know about the murder in this village somewhere along a presumed part of the Rhine. I’m still not sure of the era but since you mentioned a war, I’m guessing the parallel is more likely in the Austro-Prussian era rather than the Great War. I wouldn’t mind you clearing up some of those details for me because Eastern Europe certainly has a lot to work with scrummage wise.

The dialogue might get more exciting as I go further into the story so I am waiting to see what happens with your characters and I’ll get to commenting on them at a different point in time.

Great job so far.
- Armand




MailicedeNamedy says...


Thank you for your review! :D



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Plume wrote a review...



Hey there! Plume here, with another review!

I just couldn't wait any longer so here I am (again) to review the last part of Chapter One. I must say, this is a very nice ending. I'm super excited to start to read the second chapter!

I think you did a really nice job of building the relationship between Léonard and Emma. I think the way they interacted was very realistic and I especially like the past that both of their families have. Branching out from that, I also loved how you continue to introduce new information throughout the piece. This chapter was pretty long, but I think you managed to keep it interesting, and it still feels like the beginning of the story, you know? I like how each bit of information you include feels intentional, and perfect dose for that moment in the story. It's quite masterful, really.

I also am excited to read more about Emma. She sounds like a very interesting and fun character. I like how interested she is in the happenings of the town and what Léonard is doing. At first, she struck me as more of a cautious character, but she really has a taste for adventure, and I think that you write that and it comes across super well.

One thing I wondered about was whether this was supposed to serve as kind of like a recount of what happened that Emma is telling to Martha, or if you actually backtracked the story and we're seeing this play out in real time. If your intention was the former, I think you might want to go back and change some things around. You start to deviate into Léonard's perspective, and if you want to make it seem like a flashback/story that Emma is recounting, you should stick to her perspective.

Specifics

She seemed to calm down when she took him downstairs to the river.


I feel like downstairs isn't the right word to use here. The way it's written now makes it sound like the river is in the basement of Emma's house. I think you could just cut it out so it reads "she took him to the river" or substitute another word that makes more sense.

"I know you live in the villa," she explained, "Half the village has already warned us about you."


Since the dialogue "Half the village" starts a new sentence, you should put a period after "explained" rather than a comma.

Overall: nice work! I think this was a pretty spotless finish to your first chapter, and like I said before, I can't wait to read more! Until next time!




MailicedeNamedy says...


Hi Plume,

Thank you very much for your review!

It's always a pleasure for me to read your reviews because you find so many positive points and yet you don't forget the shortcomings and also explain how it has to be changed. Thanks for that!

This chapter was pretty long, but I think you managed to keep it interesting, and it still feels like the beginning of the story, you know?


I can't really tell if it's good or not so good. :D I'm trying to shorten the story in many places, since I like to get lost in details, but I think most of the upcoming chapters will be shorter. I think that also has to do with the fact that it's so hard to write a beginning. :D But yeah, the story is just unfolding and will grow like a tree with all its branches and leaves from now on.%uD83D%uDE0A

It's quite masterful, really.


Thank you so much. :D

One thing I wondered about was whether this was supposed to serve as kind of like a recount of what happened that Emma is telling to Martha, or if you actually backtracked the story and we're seeing this play out in real time.


It was supposed to be a recount, but I didn't want to make it seem that way. On the other hand, since it's a new part of the chapter, I didn't really think I'd have to change much.

Since you're currently reading the "Reworked" parts, and I'm also posting a newer chapter every now and then between those parts, I don't know if it makes that much sense if you want to be tagged when I post any part regarding LoaMR?

Thanks again for your review!

Mailice.



Plume says...


Regarding the beginning of the story part: it's definitely a good thing! I think that since you split chapters up into many parts I sometimes forget that they're technically all part of the same chapter. But since it still feels like the beginning of the story, you're really good at keeping it consistent. If I thought you were veering into some inciting incidents or rising action, I would have recommended splitting it up into more chapters, but I think your consistency and sequence of events make it a very cohesive chapter. So yeah. It's a good thing. :D

Also, I'd love it if you tagged me!! I'm definitely going to consume the entire story at some point, so you might as well!




By swallowing evil words unsaid, no one has ever harmed his stomach.
— Winston Churchill