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Young Writers Society



The Words That Came Out of Her Mouth - Prologue

by pinkflutegirl


Addie yawned with a sleepy grin as she watched Pewdiepie play games on YouTube. She laughed and laughed as she watched him. It was 10:30pm on a school night. She had classes at the university tomorrow at 8:15am. She paused her video and then went to her kitchen to grab a little midnight snack.

Hmm... I guess Louise isn't here yet.

Her roommates door was closed and her shoes were missing from the shoe rack and her keys weren't on the table.

She must be out partying. She doesn't have class tomorrow anyways. She's so lucky she doesn't have school on Friday.

Addie opened her refrigerator and grabbed the orange juice, she set it on counter top and then grabbed a glass from the cabinet. She poured the orange juice slowly and carefully, so it wouldn't spill. She put the orange juice back into the refrigerator and then grabbed her cup. She walked over to the living room and sat down. Once she finished her orange juice, she walked back to the kitchen and placed the cup in the sink. Afterwards, she walked to the bedroom bathroom and washed up.

After that, she walked back to her bed and went back to her computer. She continued watching Pewdiepie for 20 more minutes.

Just one more episode....

She yawned once again.

No...no, I should go sleep. Go to sleep! Well, at least stop watching videos.

She forced herself to click out of YouTube. However, she didn't sleep just yet, she checked her email and found a email from an anonymous sender.

The subject read: Turn Yourself Into A VAMPIRE!!!

She clicked on it with curiosity.

Hmmm, I wonder what this is... Shouldn't this be in the spam? Hahaha Oh well, I'll check it out.

She looked at the message and read it to herself.

"Recite this spell 2 times,softly, in a moonless night:"

"Powers of the underworld God's, please give me the power and transform me into a vampire. With skin as white as snow and with the special powers of _______. I feed on both human and animal blood; when I feed on a human my eyes turn a brilliant blue, if I feed on an animal my eyes will turn to a forest green. When I bite a human and leave it alive, he/she will transform into a vampire. The transformation will be painful but will only last for 10 minutes, and I'll have super senses, super speed, and super strength. My teeth are unbreakable and my skin is able to quickly heal itself. I am vampire by sunset and human by sunrise. This is my wish and will, so please let it be."

She looks at the email and laugh. She looks out side her window to see that it was a new moon.

"To be said on a moonless night, huh." Addie whisper softly.

Why not? It's not like it's going to actually work.

She gives it a try and she recites it twice and fill in the blank with invisibility.

"Powers of the underworld God's, please give me the power and transform me into a vampire. With skin as white as snow and with the special powers of invisibility. I feed on both human and animal blood; when I feed on a human my eyes turn a brilliant blue, if I feed on an animal my eyes will turn to a forest green. When I bite a human and leave it alive, he/she will transform into a vampire. The transformation will be painful but will only last for 10 minutes, and I'll have super senses, super speed, and super strength. My teeth are unbreakable and my skin is able to quickly heal itself. I am vampire by sunset and human by sunrise. This is my wish and will, so please let it be." Addie says twice.

She starts to groan, her whole body feels tense and as if her whole body was changing. She tried to muffle her screams, but the pain gets stronger and stronger. Her body feels so hot and pained. She started breathing hard and didn't know what to do. She tried to open the windows but she couldn't even stand up straight. Her vision started to get blurry and she didn't know what was going on.

My body feels so hot. I don't know what to do... S-So hot...No, It's not actually working is it.... What is this? This has to be a joke. My body aches all over.

She tries to walk over to the bathroom, but she falls on her way there. The pain was too strong, it was unbearable.

"Help... Help!" She tries to yell.

Someone... help me... please.

She tries to get help, but it didn't matter. Her roommate was still out and she lived in a house that was very soundproof.

She crawls to the bathroom with a pain that went all through her body. When she got to the bathroom, she turned on the light. The brightness of it made her scream. Her eyes burned from the light, it was too bright. She looked back down and closed her eyes.

What is happening to me!?!?

All of the sudden it all stopped, the pain was gone. She opened her eyes back up.

Huh? What happened? The pain, it's gone. What the hell just happened?

She looked at her palm, confused.

Have I always been this pale...?

She looked up at the light and flinched. She got up and looked at herself in the mirror. Her jaw dropped.

Who... Who am I?

Her short, mousy brown hair had turned into long, golden brown locks and her skin was a pale as the snow. Her body figure was more feminine, and she noticed she has become slightly taller. Her vision was different and very enhanced, it's as if she can notice every small detail. Her throat felt dry; so she touched her neck. Her fingers felt ice cold against her neck. She looked at her fingers, they were slender and long. Her fingernails were pretty-long and sharp and painted black. She dropped her hand to her side. She stared at her self in the mirror, than she saw her eyes. Oh her death-defying eyes, she couldn't stop looking at them. They were a brilliant blood red.


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107 Reviews


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Mon Feb 23, 2015 4:38 pm
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ChiravianSkies wrote a review...



I really like this thing, but though you do have a different style, this seems very R.L. Stine-ish. The girl sees something and recites it, not believing it will really work. Just a nitpick. Pay no heed to that.
Now, for showing and telling. A dreaded subject, I know. When you put all the information in a single paragraph about how she now looks, it's a case of infodumping. Usually people don't retain that information, and is even more dreaded when done with a mirror. If you wanted to show Addie was taller, then you could have her toes jut out of the blankets. To show she has different coloured hair, then you can have her roomie ask if she dyed her hair. Instead of telling her vision was enhanced, show she can see the fly poop on the lightbulb. (Fact of life. Fly poop happens.)
So yeah, finishing the review up now. Keep an eye for showing and telling. :)






omg, hahahaha you just made my day with that fly poop thing!! XDD
Thanks for your review, I haven't heard of R.F. Stine before so thanks for letting me know, I don't want to get caught doing something I didnt mean to, lol(:
Thanks, I'll defineatly look into this annoying "Showing and Telling" subject!
Thanks love!



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107 Reviews


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Mon Feb 23, 2015 4:36 pm
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ChiravianSkies says...



Nice story! Let me review above. :)




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Mon Feb 23, 2015 5:45 am
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myjaspercat wrote a review...



Hello pinkflutegirl,
Myjaspercat here to give you a review

As I do for most reviews I want to remind you that writing a Vampire novel (even werewolf, zombie, dystopian) is cliché. If you go look at a bookstore shelf you will find all sorts of teen/ young adult novels incorporating vampires. So as you continue to write this story, take that into consideration. Make sure that you make this original, instead of something similar. Now that I am done warning you (and hopefully not making you mad at me) I will continue onwards....

1.) "Addie yawned with a sleepy grin as she watched Pewdiepie play games on YouTube."
----First thing I want to say here is that my brother would totally like the Pewdiepie reference he is a total fan (myself though am not but I'm not judging). Second, I do like this sentence as a starter. Normally I would tell someone that they need to start off their story with a hook, you know start off with a bang, but for you I don't. Even though your writing doesn't begin in action or suspense you draw your reader in with something they can easily imagine. It is a really nice start.

2.) "She laughed and laughed as she watched him. It was 10:30pm on a school night. She had classes at the university tomorrow at 8:15am. She paused her video and then went to her kitchen to grab a little midnight snack."
----Though the beginning was good this is not. Your writing is very child-like and boring. The sentences are plain and lack strength. It's almost as if you are reciting her actions though out the day making it hard to read.

3.) "Hmm... I guess Louise isn't here yet."
----Wait a second, who is this Louise? You threw in a character that I wasn't expecting. Originally your MC was just enjoying her time watching Youtube but now she is worrying about her room mate. Where is the transition?

4.) "Her roommates door was closed and her shoes were missing from the shoe rack and her keys weren't on the table."
----Why does your reader need to care.

5.) "Addie opened her refrigerator and grabbed the orange juice, she set it on counter top and then grabbed a glass from the cabinet. She poured the orange juice slowly and carefully, so it wouldn't spill. She put the orange juice back into the refrigerator and then grabbed her cup. She walked over to the living room and sat down. Once she finished her orange juice, she walked back to the kitchen and placed the cup in the sink. Afterwards, she walked to the bedroom bathroom and washed up. "
----This paragraph is a perfect example of SHOWING VS. TELLING. You tell your readers everything that is happening and that gets really boring (and hard) to read. Show us what is happening.

Basically:

"SHOWING is for making the reader feel they're in there: feel as in smell, touch, see, hear, believe the actual experience of the characters."

"TELLING is for covering the ground, when you need to, as a narrator (whether the narrator is a character, or an implied, external narrator in a third person narrative). It's supplying information: the storyteller saying "Once upon a time", or "A volunteer army was gathered together", or "The mountains were covered in fine, volcanic ash". So it's a little more removed from the immediate experience of the moment."

6.) The email that your MC received seems really disconnected and weird. Try to make it sound more realistic.

7.) "She starts to groan, her whole body feels tense and as if her whole body was changing. She tried to muffle her screams, but the pain gets stronger and stronger. Her body feels so hot and pained. She started breathing hard and didn't know what to do. She tried to open the windows but she couldn't even stand up straight. Her vision started to get blurry and she didn't know what was going on."
----In this paragraph I think that it would be better if you went into more depth the pain she felt after reciting what she had to in the email.

Overall I do think that this has potential, it needs work but what fresh idea doesn't. You mainly need to work on sentence structure and imagery. Make it sound mature and give us the suspense and feel that you really want to portray. I guess all that's left for me to say is try, try, and try again.
Good luck and Continue writing.---Myjaspercat






Thank you so much^^. I'll work on this and redo it! Thanks for the advice, and I'm also very aware of it being cliche...*^*



myjaspercat says...


of course, glad I could help.




I just want to be the side character in a book that basically steals the whole series.
— avianwings47