Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Novel / Chapter » Realistic

E - Everyone

Chapter one of Calli's Dilemma

by MadagascarMaiden


Chapter 1

India, her home. Calli had been away for over six months. Staring in the face of fear, pain, longing, and shame. And now she couldn't wait to be home. ‘Just a few more days’ she thought to herself, ‘then you’ll be back.’ But did she really want to go home after what had happened? She knew she would miss all her family here in winnipeg, but she did think of india as home. Was that wrong of her? She didn't know anything anymore. All she knew was that all her friends were in india, and that her family- her extended family that is- lived on the other side of the world. What a dilemma. Calli needed to clear her head in the fresh indian air, but it was too cold, here and now. It was december after all.

She knew what she would do. She would go downstairs and get a can of sparkling water. That would cheer her up. Oh, wait. Her younger siblings would be sure to protest. Cele- who was ten and her real name was Celeste- would complain that it wasn't fair and she, who hates sparkling water, would insist on coke. Which wasn't sugar free. Then Curt- who was eight and his real name was Carter- would take her side- he also hates sparkling water-. And then Kye- who was eleven and his real name was Cyrano- would go and tell mother. ‘‘The joys of being the older sister of three.’’ She said sarcastically to herself. At least there would be one thing to look forward to. Her friend Daniel was coming to india for a visit in January. He lived in British Columbia and she hadn't seen him in two years. Maybe even two and a half. She had gotten interested in romance in the past months. She didn't think about it excessively and yet she thought she thought about it too much.

She was too young for dating, she was only thirteen after all, but she did want to know what it felt like to be kissed by a boy. Even on the cheek. What was she thinking?! She felt like she was going crazy. “I am going crazy” she said out loud.

“What?” said Cele who had just come into the bedroom.

“I...I..I was just reading out loud” she said, brandishing her e-reader. Its case was closed.

“You never ever read out loud.”

“Well I guess I started today.” Reading out loud was one of the things she didn’t want her sister to talk about just at the moment.

“Does this mean I can get mad at you when you read out loud in the same room that I am gracing with my presence??”

“Hardy har har.” She had gotten into an argument with Cele just that morning for reading out loud while she was trying to read in her head. “What do you want any way?”

“Mom said to bring all the clothes in here downstairs to get packed, even the dirty ones.”

“All of them?!”

“Yup.”

“Bu..but..”

“Grandpa says that butts are for sitting on.”

Calli looked at her with one eyebrow raised, and doubted whether or not he had actually said that.

“He did. He said that if you said but to tell you that butts are for sitting.”

She had nothing to counter that with. So, reluctantly, she started gathering her wardrobe- most of which was scattered on the floor.

“Not like that” said Cele with an air of importance. “Mom wanted us to keep the dirty ones separate from the clean ones.”

“Fine.” she said with a groan slash sigh.

When she had finished this chore, she went downstairs to get a glass of plain water. Not wanting to arouse trouble. ‘Just two more days’ she told herself again, ‘then you and mom will be leaving.’

Her father had worked out a system for the airplane rides. She and her mother would be taking a direct flight to Paris and then get to stay overnight in a hotel. Her father and other siblings would leave the next morning on two flights- they had to stop in newfoundland and labrador- and meet her and her mother in paris. Then they would all take the direct flight to india. Oh to be back in india. With all the streets overfilled to bursting and all the mothers with their babies tied to their backs like a gorilla. To be home again, even though traffic was terrible. She thought of kind, old, Mr. Jay, who lead their missionaries youth group. Something she was glad had an age limit. Then it hit her. Kye was now eleven, that ment that he too would be going on those afternoons. ‘Just great’ she thought, ‘another thing to worsen my misery.’ why did everything have to be so hard this year? First there were three of her “friends” leaving india for good- Zain didnt tecnaly count as a friend and neither did Justin-, then there was the very stressing furlough which just happened to include a major spine surgery for her that nowone had known about, then there was this?? well, at least she hadn't had any cavities this year, unlike countless years before. After her water, Calli decided that since it was after three o-clock she would have her half an hour on the switch. Her family had strict rules about electronics.

***

They had Chicken-cordon-bleu for dinner. That was a delicacy she could only get when she visited her family. The night didn't go too badly. She got to play a few more video games with her uncle Kylan. He had a mental handicap and still lived with her grandparents. At nine o-clock she was sent up for bed. She lie in bed awake long after being sent upstairs, thinking about the future. When would that time be? The time she would fall in love? She, of course, had no idea that it would be in the very swiftly coming January. Just a few weeks in the future. 


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
6 Reviews


Points: 17
Reviews: 6

Donate
Mon Mar 23, 2020 3:27 pm
WritingIsFun wrote a review...



I love this, and hope that you come out with the next chapter soon. I can’t wait to hear more.
I don’t want to make you feel bad, but you had some mistakes. Well maybe not some, a lot.
First spelling and grammar:
You need to keep a close eye on these things. I am admitting this, but I wasn’t very good at seeing spelling and grammar mistakes when I started writing. Which was at like five! I think that someone else already filled you in on this, so I will just add a few corrections. Okay, you need to add capitalization! You didn’t capitalize India two times in a row, next you didn’t capitalize Winnipeg, and next December. Those are the corrections you have to make. ‘She knew she would miss all her family here in winnipeg, but she did think of india as home. Was that wrong of her? She didn’t know anything anymore. All she knew was that all her friends were in india, and that her family- her extended family that is- lived on the other side of the world. What a dilemma. Callie needed to clear her head in the fresh indian air, but it was too cold, here and now. It was december after all.
Other than that, you did a great job. Well you had a lot of mistakes, but I won’t tell you about them. Everlight already told you most of the things you need to know. Well that was a great story overall. Can’t wait for the next chapter!
Amazon Explorer!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!






sis you know i stopped this book already. and i have more writing experience than you because i'm older than u. :-(



User avatar
503 Reviews


Points: 24717
Reviews: 503

Donate
Sun Feb 23, 2020 12:20 am
Tuckster wrote a review...



Hey there MadagascarMaiden! Tuck dropping by with a review for you today.

Overall, I really like the characters you've introduced so far! I can resonate with the main character in several ways, and I think you've crafted a deep character so far. You mentioned that it's based on yourself, which explains why there's a level of emotional richness there that makes this storyline so compelling. You introduced a few other characters, mostly family members, and they all serve a distinct and different role in the story. In the initial conflict regarding sparkling water, you laid a good foundation for more conflict between your MC and her siblings.

That being said, there are a few ways you could improve this work. The first thing that comes to mind is the amount of info-dumping you did throughout. There were several paragraphs that just served to give the reader background information, and other areas where you told the reader some things to catch them up to speed. First chapters are always difficult because you need to introduce the reader to your world, but I've found that the best way to do that is to slowly immerse them. If you drop too much new information in a short period of time, your reader will get overwhelmed and confused or lose interest. For example, it's not necessary for the reader to know the sibling's names and nicknames right now. Let the nicknames come up naturally in conversation, and slip the real name into a serious discussion somewhere. It's a hard but important balance to strike, and for now I think you're a little on the side of too-much-too fast when it comes to information.

In a similar vein, you tended to give your reader information by telling them in the form of prose. You may have heard the tip "show, don't tell", and it's taken me years to understand how crucial this is to writing well. It's a subtle but very important difference that separates between strong writing and younger writing. For example, instead of telling us the siblings hate sparkling water, show that they wrinkle their nose and opt for a soda instead. This communicates the same information to the reader, but in a more entertaining fashion.

You ended on a great note by hinting at where this story is going! The way you broke the fourth wall was subtle enough that it didn't seem absurd or comical, but was more of a whisper to the reader. In essence, you pulled it off well and teased the reader with a hint of what they can expect in the future.

I think that's all I have for you today! If you have any questions about my review please feel free to ask. I hope to see you around the site!

~Tuckster






thanks for the feedback! i know its a lot to take in on a first chapter, to tell you the truth i don't really know where i was going with this story. if you want to read the book which i am mainly working on just search 'A Lover She Lost'
MadagascarMaiden



User avatar


Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Donate
Wed Dec 18, 2019 10:32 pm
chelle934 says...



I enjoyed this, it makes me want to know more. The ending really grasps at the reader wanting to continue. I liked how you described life as a teenager!






This is actually how my life is. Except that I live in Madagascar.



chelle934 says...


oh wow, I did not know that.





Cool hun?%uD83D%uDE0E



WritingIsFun says...


did you add the %uD83D%uDE0E as a mistake? Or did you not? Explain!?





sis it was supesed to be an emoji. but not all emojis work on this website.



User avatar
212 Reviews


Points: 575
Reviews: 212

Donate
Sun Dec 15, 2019 8:01 pm
EverLight wrote a review...



EverLight here with a review! This review is not intended to offend or hurt you or make your novel or poem seem bad, but be warned you may feel offended anyway.

First Impression
I can actually see this happening.

Nitpicks & Grammar

She knew she would miss all her family here in winnipeg, but she did think of india as home. Was that wrong of her? She didn't know anything anymore. All she knew was that all her friends were in india, and that her family- her extended family that is- lived on the other side of the world. What a dilemma. Calli needed to clear her head in the fresh indian air, but it was too cold, here and now. It was december after all.

You forgot to capitalize India December, and Winnipeg <3

At least there would be one thing to look forward to. Her friend Daniel was coming to india for a visit in January. He lived in British Columbia and she hadn't seen him in two years. Maybe even two and a half. She had gotten interested in romance in the past months. She didn't think about it excessively and yet she thought she thought about it too much.

Once again, you forgot to capitalize India <3

What was she thinking?! She felt like she was going crazy. “I am going crazy” she said out loud.

You need a comma by the secant crazy, like this-
...''I am going crazy,'' she said aloud.


Well I guess I started today.” Reading out loud was one of the things she didn’t want her sister to talk about just at the moment.

You might want to add a comma by the word well.

She had gotten into an argument with Cele just that morning for reading out loud while she was trying to read in her head. “What do you want any way?”

The words any and way could be combined.

So, reluctantly, she started gathering her wardrobe- most of which was scattered on the floor.

Here, I'd consider using were in place of was.

“Not like that” said Cele with an air of importance. “Mom wanted us to keep the dirty ones separate from the clean ones.”

Try putting a comma in front of the word that.

Then it hit her. Kye was now eleven, that ment that he too would be going on those afternoons.

You misspelled the word ment as meant.

First there were three of her “friends” leaving india for good- Zain didnt tecnaly count as a friend and neither did Justin-, then there was the very stressing furlough which just happened to include a major spine surgery for her that nowone had known about, then there was this??

Once again, you forgot to capitalize the word India.
I believe that didnt needs an apostrophe-didn't,
Nowone is written like this-no one.
And you misspelled technically as tecnaly.

Other then that you did an outstanding job in this department <3.

Style & Flow
I'll scribble all over your words XD.

India, her home. Calli had been away for over six months. Staring in the face of fear, pain, longing, and shame.(Try combining those to sentences like this-
Calli had been away for six months, staring in the face of fear, pain, longing and shame.)
And now she couldn't wait to be home. ‘Just a few more days’ she thought to herself, ‘then you’ll be back.’(Try italicizing her thoughts) But did she really want to go home after what had happened? She knew she would miss all her family here in winnipeg, but she did think of india as home. Was that wrong of her? She didn't know anything anymore.All she knew was that all her friends were in india, and that her family- her extended family that is- lived on the other side of the world. What a dilemma. Calli needed to clear her head in the fresh indian air, but it was too cold, here and now. It was december after all. She knew what she would do. She would go downstairs and get a can of sparkling water. That would cheer her up. Oh, wait. Her younger siblings would be sure to protest. Cele- who was ten and her real name was Celeste- would complain that it wasn't fair. and she, who hates sparkling water, would insist on coke. Which wasn't sugar free. Then Curt- who was eight and his real name was Carter- would take her side- he also hates sparkling water-. And then Kye- who was eleven and his real name was Cyrano- would go and tell mother.
‘‘The joys of being the older sister of three.’’ She said sarcastically to herself. At least there would be one thing to look forward to. Her friend Daniel whom she hadn't seen in two years was coming to india for a visit in January. He lived in British Columbia and she hadn't seen him in two years. Maybe even two and a half.[/b] She had [s]gotten been interested in romance in the past few months. She didn't think about it excessively and yet she thought she thought about it too much.
She was too young for dating, she was only thirteen after all, but she did want to know what it felt like to be kissed by a boy. Even on the cheek. What was she thinking?! She felt like she was going crazy.
“I am going crazy” she said out loud.
“What?” said Cele who had just come into the bedroom.
“I...I..I was just reading out loud” she said, brandishing her e-reader. Its case was closed.
“You never ever read out loud.”-Who is speaking here? Cele?
“Well I guess I started today.” Reading out loud was one of the things she didn’t want her sister to talk about just at the moment.
“Does this mean I can get mad at you when you read out loud in the same room that I am gracing with my presence? ?
“Hardy har har.” She had gotten into an argument with Cele just that morning for reading out loud while she was trying to read in her head.
“What do you want any way?” Whose speaking here? Calli?
“Mom said to bring all the clothes in here downstairs to get packed, even the dirty ones.”
“All of them?!”
“Yup.”
“Bu..but..”
“Grandpa says that butts are for sitting on.”
Calli looked at her with one eyebrow raised, and doubted whether or not that he had actually said that.
“He did. He said that if you said but to tell you that butts are for sitting.”
She had nothing to counter that with, s[/io, reluctantly, she [i]started gatheringgathered her wardrobe- most of which was scattered on the floor.
“Not like that” said Cele with an air of importance. “Mom wanted us to keep the dirty ones separate from the clean ones.”


Other then that you did fine!

Overall
This was a interesting story. Tag me when you come out with chapter 2.





The mind of man is capable of anything - because everything is in it, all the past as well as all the future.
— Joseph Conrad, Heart of Darkness