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Fog

by Fleur


That night the clouds sunk away from their home

In fog my window sweats and beams of light

Illuminate and reflect off the mist

Into my eyes, such a dark and blinding depth

The city was dead but I wanted to live there

Every inch of scenery like a photo meant to be taken

So much mystery lies beneath what I knew was there

Questions to ask but left unanswered

I was nothing to the fog, another thing

To be captured by it, lost in direction

My hope followed


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27 Reviews

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Fri Sep 29, 2023 9:03 pm
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spottedpebble wrote a review...



I understand why your username is Lullaby. This poem is soft and sweet while being haunting at the same time. The way you described the fog made me feel like I was there watching the fog through the window, and watching the world through the fog.

This makes me want to know what mystery, what questions were left unanswered, and where did the narrator's hope go? Why did the fog affect the narrator in such a way and make them feel lost? What experiences has the narrator had with the fog before?

Keep writing stuff like this, and keep making people feel with your poems. I'd love to read more. :)




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Sat Sep 23, 2023 5:25 am
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OrabellaAvenue wrote a review...



Hiya there! I'm Orabella, here with (and unfortunately short) review.

First of all, welcome to YWS! Hope you like it here. If you ever need anything, I'm here and so are a bunch of other wonderful users that'd be overjoyed to help. ^^

This is so interesting! So, tell me if I get this right because I'm not great at interpreting poems, but I think this is about a person staring out the window in awe. This person sees the beauty in the fog, but also what it conceals and the mystery behind it. The fog, of course, doesn't know this insignificant person, and they are fascinated by this fact.

My hope followed


What exactly does this mean? With curiosity, hope was following close behind? Or something about the fog brought them hope. It isn't exactly unclear, (and even if it was that's kinda normal for poems), but I'd just like to know more. What exactly does the fog mean to this person?

Thank you so much for writing and sharing, and I hope you have an awesome night/day! Please keep writing! This was amazing!




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Fri Sep 22, 2023 3:59 pm
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alliyah wrote a review...



Hey there, first off welcome to YWS - I hope you are enjoying the site so far - and I'm happy to see you are already posting your work! Poetry is my favorite, so I'm excited to take a look! :)

I'll be reviewing this using the YWS S'more Review Method to organize my thoughts.

Top Graham Cracker - What I Know | Interpretations
I interpreted this poem's main intention to be more of setting a mood than a narrative - the rough-sketch of a narrative of the piece that I took away was that the speaker is driving or walking through mist and fog and they feel like it parallels their own personal mist / fog or lack of clarity within themselves. In the final couplet "To be captured by it [fog], lost in direction / my hope followed" - I am interpreting this to mean that their hope was also lost because of all the mystery and questions they are going through.
The mood of the poem is searching and heavy and lost - while the final line is sad if hope is lost, the rest of the poem does not necessarily have a sad or gloomy mood but more brooding I would say.

Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - Room for Improvements
I like the metaphor of the scenery reflecting the "inner" emotional scenery of being lost and hopeless - that is a very solid overall premise for a poem, clear to understand, and has a lot of potential for imagery too. One aspect I think might be improved is that as a reader I don't get the "reveal" that the outer is an expression of the inner until the final line, so I don't get to appreciate it quite as long - I would consider maybe delving into the parallels in a few more lines and maybe showing the reader in more specificity what this "lost hope" looks like.

"lost hope" is a specific feeling, but could refer to such an abundance of things - I don't exactly know how the loss of hope is tied to the questions / mystery so it's a little hard for me to relate emotionally to the speaker or empathize with them. This is an area you might expand on a little bit more. I actually wrote an article about how to incorporate more specificity into poetry to make it "pop" right here that you might take a look at if you're interesting in that subject too.

Chocolate Bar - Highlights of the Piece
I think this poem really excels in imagery! I can tell you really thought out what images you were going to use and then worked to make them layered and fit with with the whole mood of the piece. I love the first line how you say the clouds have sunk from their home - great usage of personification there!

I also really like this line: "Every inch of scenery like a photo meant to be taken" - lovely description there! Those first six lines have just very strong word choice to me. I think when the poem starts to transition to the internal the word choice could be a bit more vivid, but overall I think you were very thoughtful with the words selected.

I appreciated that you chose a capitalization scheme (line-case) and a punctuation scheme (grammatical commas only) and then stuck to it. Consistency in punctuation and capitalization choices go a long way in poetry to make a piece feel "polished" so that is something I'm always looking for!

Closing Graham Cracker - Closing Thoughts
Overall this was an enjoyable read, and didn't feel like a "generic poem" or something that I've already read a thousand times, even in a few lines I feel like I'm getting a little sense of your poetic voice. I liked the premise of the external reflecting the internal - and I think with a little bit more specificity and detail in the internal aspect this poem can be taken to the next level.

Hope this helps! Thank you for sharing your work - never stop writing!

alliyah


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Fleur says...


Thank you so much! Honestly, when writing I did not even truly consider the "lost" feeling of the narrator, I definitely see it now re-reading it and I think it would be a nice touch to incorporate that more. I appreciate your review and will take it into account for future works :)



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Fri Sep 22, 2023 1:38 pm
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Roxanne wrote a review...



Greetings Poet!

Beyond my beloved horizon, I'm setting sail into uncharted pages with an itch for adventure. Through binoculars, I spy with my little eye an imaginative poem titled “Fog” that deserves a good review. Therefore without further ado, let’s begin.

Image

Your poem is a descriptive and lively piece in which you use imagery as well as figurative language to create a contrast between the dark foggy night and the dead city. The poem evokes a mysterious and literally foggy atmosphere.

You give the elements in your story a sort of personification, such as the clouds that "sunk away from their home", the window "sweats", the light "reflects off the mist" and the fog "captures" the speaker.

It is almost as if you create a sort of paradox, and that breathes a sense of irony and tension into your poem. For example, the speaker says that the night is “dark and blinding”, the city is “dead but I wanted to live there”, and the speaker is “nothing to the fog” but also “follows” it.

Your poem could benefit from the use of rhyme and rhythm to create a musical and lyrical quality, not only will it give the poem a nice flow but it will make it more visually appealing.

Everything in all and all in everything, your poem also uses paradox, personification, and imagery to convey the speaker’s feelings of being lost, curious, and hopeful in the fog. The poem has a potential to be a captivating and evocative work of art. I enjoyed reading it.

Feel free to check out some poems by @alliyah and @AilahEvelynMae for some extra inspiration and ideas!

That's it, that's all. While lengthy reviews may dive deep, short reviews can still make a splash.
Good luck with your future writing projects, and welcome to YWS!

Yours in Puzzling Shadows,
Rose




Fleur says...


Thank you for your review! Any review, short or long, is highly appreciated. I would love to play around more with rhyme in future poems, since I don't often! I'm glad you enjoyed reading it




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