The Prancing Pony, full of drunks, blaring music and loud outbursts of laughter. A rowdy inn located in the village of Bree, as I watch the merry-making of the race of men i wonder at how oblivious they are to the threat looming above them." Men... " I muttered under my breath ; always so happy, even in the darkest of times. The cheerful bartender aimlessly wandered over to ask me for an order, drunk on the job i guess. I order an Ale to obtain the appearance of normalness: I had been gaining queer glances from local townsfolk in my direction ever since i arrived, Cant blame them i suppose... One can never be to careful in such a harsh age, and i didn't exactly fit in with the crowd. I sat in a dark corner away from the bar with my black hood up to hide my Elvish ears: i had a feeling that the men would not take kindly to any Elves.... Let alone me! That is, if they recognised me. Whatever the consequence i did not want to take the chances of being discovered and thrown out before my meeting.
As i waited in suspense it began to rain - A torrential downpour that did not appear to be lifting any time soon. In my anticipation i was lost in thought. Who had sent the anonymous note? Why was the matter so urgent? And why did he write to me? I pondered my situation while listening to the pitter - patter of rain drops on the window
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Well...this is fun...certainly sounds like a pretty exciting little start to a story that we've got right here. It manages to establish a decent amount of the overall setting of this world just in that first paragraph alone and that is always a pretty good sign there. It also looks like we have ourselves a pretty standard fantasy world at the moment, judging by the taverns and the elves and the men generally being fools, hopefully we have ourselves a bit of a different plot from the countless other fantasy realms of this sort out there. At any rate, the elves being taken to with hatred is something I haven't seen too too often, often things are the other way around, so that's already a good sign. And of course the fact that it appears this particular elf is on some sort of secretive mission perhaps and is about to have sort of meeting is certainly a pretty exciting prospect to start off on here. And the general description of the area is also very helpful to have right at the start of a scene.
Oooh, well leaving us off with a fresh barrage of addition questions I see...well, that's certainly quite a mysterious way to put an end to this particular first chapter here. This is certainly going to leave you with a lot of interesting things to think about and try to decode here, especially cause the circumstance of this entire meeting appear to be quite sketchy from what I can see. Well, a pretty decent start to a story that you've got here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi, I am Celticmusicgirl and I will be reviewing this piece today.
My review will focus mainly on spelling, grammar, punctuation, etc.
First, in this sentence, "The Prancing Pony, full of drunks, blaring music and loud outbursts of laughter. A rowdy inn located in the village of Bree, as I watch the merry-making of the race of men i wonder at how oblivious they are to the threat looming above them.", capitalize the pronoun "I". This error occurs a few different times in this piece so I will not bother to point this out every time just for the sake of time.
Next, I'm not sure of this so correct me if I am wrong but I do not think "Ale" should be capitalized. I may be wrong though. If I am incorrect on this then just ignore me on it.
Also, is "normalness" a word? Then, in the same sentence, "Cant" shouldn't be capitalized and you need an apostrophe between the "N" and the "T".
Next, you said, "I sat in a dark corner away from the bar with my black hood up to hide my Elvish ears: i had a feeling that the men would not take kindly to any Elves.... Let alone me!" I think you can remove the word any. it just doesn't seem to flow right in the sentence. Also in this sentence, the last bit "Let alone me!" makes me think that this particular character is no ordinary elf. Is this character a captain of the guard like Tauriel or something? I would like a bit more info on who this character is. However, This may be revealed later in the story. If so I understand and I want to read the rest when you post it.
In the next sentence you misspelled "Recognized".
Next, you said, "Whatever the consequence i did not want to take the chances of being discovered and thrown out before my meeting.". 1) "consequence" I don't think is the right word for this sentence. 2) "chances" I think should be changed to "chance"
3) again you have peaked my curiosity here. What kind of meeting and with whom? Why would the Elf be thrown out if he/she were discovered?
Next, in the last paragraph, you said: "In my anticipation i was lost in thought." place a comma after "anticipation".
Lastly, you should put thoughts in italics. and again with the curiosity. What note? What matter? Who is the narrator?
Overall, I was so excited to see a Lord of the Rings/ The Hobbit Fan-fiction story on here. and let me say that this sounds like a great story so far. You have peaked my curiosity. I am wanting to read more. Please message me when you post more of this story. Most of the errors are simple no big deal errors that can be fixed easily. To help prevent them you can type your story in microsoft word and use spell check then copy and paste here for reviewing. Just a suggestion you do not have to do it but it might help a little.
Great Job! Please let me know when you post more of this story.
Hey there Lorrel. It's just lizzy stopping by real quick, so without further ado, let the reviewing begin.
1. Wow, this piece is really short. Guess that means my review for you is going to be a little short too. While we are on length, let's just start there. I think this chapter is supposed to serve as an intro to your novel. The novel is going to be fan fiction, correct? This is a little short for a first chapter, even though it's only an intro. I see this was titled draft but I think you need to rewrite this as a second rough draft and correct the many grammar mistakes you have. If you do go for another chapter and a continuation, try and make them longer, so the piece will maintain my attention. If you write 20 chapters that are 3 paragraphs long, I will lose interest because not much plot can happen in 3 paragraphs. Okay now onto grammar.
2. The first mistake I saw was in sentence 2 of paragraph 1. All you need to do here is change "i" to an uppercase "I". This was a recurring mistake throughout your story. I know you said it was a rough draft, but it was very rough. Just correcting this one little thing would make the story more appealing, at least to me. Every time I had to stop in your story and note something in my review, it stopped me from really enjoying it. I have written down the specific places where this "i" mistake happened so you can locate them easier. They are listed below after my other critiques. They were a couple of other problems that I found that needed addressed.
i. There are many sentences where you used "..." three dots as if the narrator was drifting off on that thought. There are two solutions here because you used that way too many times. One, delete a couple and just leave them as periods. Or two, shift the line down afterwards, as if a completely new thought was beginning. Either one will work and will also shine the piece up a bit.
ii. You also use hyphens in way too many spots where it was not needed or a period was needed. I know it is just a draft but make sure to fix this when you go back to do you revisions.
iii. Another major problem was inccorrect caps. You were capitalizing words in the middle of sentences. This is perfectly alright for names but not for something like "Can't". Please add this to your revision plan.
Paragraph 1:
-Sentence 2, after men, before wonder
-Sentence 4, after job, before guess
-Sentence 6, after since, before arrived
-Sentence 6, after them, before suppose
-Sentence 7, after and, before didn't
-Sentence 8 Part 2, after colon(:), before had
-Sentence 11, after consequence, before did
Paragraph 2:
-Sentence 1, after as, before waited
-Sentence 3, after anticipation, before was
3. Let's have a nice little chat about you title. I was drawn to the story, like the other reviewer, because of my love for Middle Earth. I was actually just talking about Hobbit and LoTR in chat the other day. Currently the title is "The warrior of Middle-Earth". I think that you need to change this and use at least one of these suggestions.
-Capitalize the w in warrior. It looks more professional and is in a more regular title format. This is pretty much a must use suggestion because it gives a better presentation to your piece. The first thing a reader is going to see is the title so make sure it has the proper spelling and capitalization.
-"The Warrior of Middle-Earth" instantly tipped me off that this was most likely going to be a fan-fic. In the description box you may want to note something like, this is a fan-fic or Middle-Earth fan-fic. Something like that.
4. The story certainly has an interesting hook to it. Thanks for the quick but good read. I am afraid that is all I have for you today. If you decide to write another chapter please message me. Or if you write a revised version of this I will be happy to add to my review.
-lizzy
Hello!
So, the title of this caught my attention. Why? Because I think of Lord of the Rings. In some way or another, I think this is suppose to be something like LotR, but isn't completely finished. However, since this is a draft, I'll accept that this isn't exactly "corrected" or "finished. I do suggest trying to write out more of this, rather than wasting some points on doing so. Put down your words that are in your head, make them into something pretty and admire it when you're done.
I'm a little confused by "merry-making of race of men". In my opinion, it looks as if it was worded incorrectly thus causing confusion in my part. Do you, perhaps, mean "merry race of men"?
In some parts of this draft, you don't seem to capitalize most of your references to the narrator. When the character is speaking directly to the reader, you should most definitely capitalize the 'I' since it is uniformal. Also, you seem to have some run-ons throughout here. These can be easily fixed by thinking: "Can the following sentence go with what I am going to write next?" If you answer yes, then most likely, try connecting your thoughts together with a comma or semicolon. However, if the answer is no, then make a new sentence/paragraph.
I think you should give a background on the narrator. How does he appear in The Prancing Pony? Did he go there to drink, or perhaps to wait for somebody? Also, give some description of the fellow - give the narrator some emotion. We don't know how he acts or talks like.
In my honest opinion, this draft's just going all over the place. First the narrator is in the bar, drinking his Ale and getting weird looks. The next moment he is outside in the rain? What happened between that time being? Was he thrown out? Did the people find out he was an elf? Another thing, is when did he get the note? The narrator only mentions the note when he is outside but doesn't exactly have the solid note.
Spoiler
"pitter patter" should be a separate word, not conjoined with a hyphen.
Alrighty. This work does need some good caring for it. It needs to be roughen up, beaten into shape to make it something wonderful. When writing a draft, make corrections along the way. Go back later to see if anything else needs to be corrected.
If you have any questions, let me know!
Steggy