You'd wandered 'round,
The faceless crowds,
feeling empty,
nothing's sound,
within you,
in yo-uh-uu.
Lifeless cask
you float about,
mindless drone
nothing's right,
for you,
for yo-uh-uu.
Then you met this great man,
he grabbed your hand
And took you to
The moon,
The mo-uh-oon
From the start,
they told you,
you were,
Always gonna lose,
And for the longest time
you believed them
their words rang in your ears,
they were all deceiving.
He wanted
to take you
on a trip,
far away
from home,
from ho-uh-ome
You cashed out all your
savings,
left town
with his old Ford
with his old Fo-ord
From the start,
they told you,
you were,
Always gonna lose,
And for the longest time
you believed them
their words rang in your ears,
they were all deceiving.
all deceiving.
He took out his mighty .44
And aimed it at your sleeping form,
It's true,
He never loved you.
There's no tears,
in his eyes,
As he pulls the trigger
to end your life
it's true,
You were born to lose.
From the start,
they told you,
you were,
Always gonna lose,
It's the truth.
And for the longest time
you believed them
their words rang in your ears,
Not one was deceiving.
none deceiving.
(bang)
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,798 Reviews
So CRUEL!
Hi! I didn't expect this song to have such a dark ending! Although the song doesn't have a melody or rhythm up here with the lyrics I can imagine the melody to be lyrical and slow- the sort I would want to relax too so the ending was so unexpected.
..I think you could be clearer here and clarify who the victim is losing too...is it fate? or the lover in the song?I just want to make two suggestionz:
The title of the song 'born to lose,' and the stanza where you mention
I was also thinking you could be a bit clearer about the protagnist's expectations when she went off with the lover - I know you said she is a mindless drone so did she just go with the flow because the guy wanted to take her away? I thought that could be clearer - you could add a stanza about the guy flattering her or something
but also think how it would balance with this part (because this part makes her seem less mindless as she listens to what 'they' say:
her later actions in the song contradicts what 'they' say so I assume her lover gives her confidence? or opinion?
Apart from that I really like the song, I can imagine listening to it on a lazy day
Hello, Dino here for a short review!
I like the dark theme you are portraying throughout here. Personally, the title kind of showed that it was going to be a dark theme and you showed that with sort of little description about the narrator.
Another thing I like about this poem is the repetition throughout the whole thing. I think it does give this lyric poem more of a definition towards sadness. One thing I would like to know is why the narrator is willing to kill himself. I'm assuming it because of romance went sour and they decided to kill themselves because of that. Unless I'm totally missing the point of this lyrics but I think you should infer why he did so.
This line confuses me with the entire lyrics. Like, at first, I thought it was the man killing himself but now it seems to be the man killing the narrator. Again, be sure to clarified what is happening inside of the poem so that the readers can understand what this poem is about.
Overall, I did like most of what you were trying to show the readers. The "bang" at the end did bring the whole mood together because this poem is kind of light in the beginning then soon turns dark at the ending. The "bang" seems to cover that.
If you have any questions, let me know!
Dino
Thanks!
I think I didn't really make it very clear in the song, but it's a story about a woman who's kind of aimless in her life, and she thinks she found something that she could live for, someone to love and who makes her happy, but in the end he kills her for the money she cashed out.
... Kind of depressing I know, but I had this short story in my head and instead I decided to make it into a song.
Well, heck. That got a lot darker than I expected.
That said, I loved the (bang) at the end. What a way to end. Yikes. I feel like with the right melody this would be the kind of beautifully haunting song I would love, even though everyone else would be like, "WHY do you only like sad songs???" just like they always ask.
So the main thing I wanted to say has to do with this.
For the whole first part of the song, I was waiting for specific details, and in these two lines you finally provided them. Does the story take place in a big city? a small town? a rural area? What are the protagonist's dreams - do they dream of finding love? standing out? Where does the antagonist want to take the protagonist? is it a road trip? are they just running away? are they supposedly going to some romantic tropical getaway? Can you give us any subtle clues as to why the antagonist kills the protagonist, or is he just a serial killer?
Specific details about the characters and story will draw readers (or listeners) in and really make this song stand out from all the other ones.
Yeah it is left kinda obscure in the lyrics, but basically a woman living in a kind of medium sized town, one of those people who just go through the daily motions, but there's nothing really driving her forward, but one day she meets this suave man who makes her happy.
He promises to take her away from her boring life, and she cashes out all her money, but as they go to sleep after starting their journey, he kills her for the money.