Why would my dad get me a diary for Christmas? What is he retarded? I thought that after he read my last one WITH my least favorite teacher who pretty much handed it to him and said, “Here, read your teenage daughter’s deepest, darkest secrets and thoughts even though you know that after you read it your relationship with her will never be the same and she’ll hate you. Go ahead!” That bitch. Ms. Siska never liked me and I will never liked her or forgive her after what she did to me. Letting your student’s father read her diary? After you already did? I know there has to be a rule against that. Yes, I got her in trouble when I told her boss, but not enough for her to lose her job. Shit. Since that incident last year when was in the 9th grade, I’ve never touched an empty journal again. I’ve gotten some as gifts but I usually just collect them, put them all in a box with all my other unwanted gifts and then give them away as gifts so that I don’t have to spend any money later on. Pretty good idea, huh? It’s June. I’ve had this journal since December, since before my birthday in January when I turned sixteen. It’s been months and all I’ve done with it is throw it my box with all the other diaries I’ve never opened. All the other gifts in my box went to my friends as birthday presents, but for some reason I’ve been holding onto this diary that I swore I would never use. Why would that asshole get me a diary for Christmas? There’s so much for me to say. There’s so much to write down but not enough space. Not enough time.
Entry Number One.
My name is E. Just E. I hate my real name. Erin Elizabeth. It's one of those "good girl" names, but I don't fit that title and I never will. I don't know why I'm using this journal. I try to stay away from empty books with little blue lines on the pages. The lines spell out TROUBLE, only no one else can see it but me.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
OKay...a bit of chaotic start there. Before I get into the actual content there though I have to say while this as a bit of a rant like situation sort of still flows despite being this one massive paragraph it is still a bit of a wall of text which is a bit tough to read so I think you need to be taking a second there to perhaps split this up into a couple or maybe three paragraphs just to make it a bit more readable than what it currently is here.
Now besides that issue though, this is quite a powerful depiction of where exactly this character stands in this world here and I think you've done a wonderful job of really mapping all that out here. Its a very strong emotional response and you can really sort of feel exactly what they are feeling and why they are feeling that way.
Okay well that is an interesting start to an entry. It has that raw personal value and somewhat informal nature a diary entry like that will have but it does seem like it was sort of abruptly cut off there and this whole has kind of halted to a stop but since this is just a first part I assume there is maybe more to this entry, because if there isn't there really should be, this doesn't feel like an ending at all here.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Oh no! You didn't read the rules!
You need to review TWO other stories before you post. Not doing so can get you kicked off. I suggest running off ASAP and getting that done.
Regardless of that, I think this was not too badly written. While the concept was fairly cliche, the character may turn out to be otherwise.
I would suggest changing the title. It looks a little silly and if you use 'Just E.' for the title and then tell the reader that it is the first part of your story in the actual topic, it will look more pleasing.
Journal stories tend to be slightly insipid and make sure you don't get too wrapped up in the, 'OMG my life is so awful' kind of a thing. Make the character more than just what has happened to her.
Keep writing.
Hello! This is a good start. A few errors,
You need a comma in here. What is he, retarded? Or something like that.and I will never liked her or forgive her..... Try something like: I never did, and never will like or forgive her.
There is no need for the 9th grade part, it even messes up the sentence. Try something like: Since that incident last year, I've never touched an empty journal again.
Maybe: The lines spell out TROUBLE, no one can see it but me.
Its a good idea, and a good start! Fix these things, and continue writing!
~Arris