Hello, I'm Lee!
I saw this had only one review, so here I am!
I'll begin by saying flat-out that I didn't see the relevance of the title in regard to the poem. Honestly, the poem could have bee about nearly anything; apart from the use of the word "polyphonic" there is no clear connection to rock stars, or why they have no hearts.
Otherwise, it's a fairly good attempt. Your diction and imagery are nice, but it rolled out as too vague for readers to connect with. Naturally, if I can't relate, the poem will hold no feelings for me. I just read it; I didn't feel a single thing other than confusion. You have to tweak it one way or the other.
Now I'd like to talk about continuous sentences. While it's generally acceptable for a sentence to carry one to the next line or two, I've practically never seen them carry on between stanzas. This was a bad idea; it shatters the flow and makes for a very disjointed read.
I have nothing to point out about individual lines; I do like the synaesthesia in "into the deep blackness of the museum. ", and some descriptions, but nothing stands out. It isn't relatable, and I honestly can't understand the need for some parts at all:
pity. so you left me in
a torturing emptiness that jangled my nerves
and tore apart my paper mind, even more
effectively than i could do myself.
Like this. I'm sorry, who is the narrator even addressing? This is, honestly, more of vague love poem than anything to do with rock stars.
The last thing I want to point out is the lack of capitalization. While this isn't a must in poetry, it is my personal opinion that capitalizing words where necessary adds a certainly gravity and elegance to the poem. And seeing as how the flow in this poem is greatly disrupted, this could be one of the things you change to improve it.
Well, that's all. I hope I wasn't too critical.
Wherever you are, keep writing!
- Lee
Points: 18564
Reviews: 278
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