yes, total stranger, i resorted to attempting
telepathy two nights ago, when the silence
was cutting, unforgiving, threatening to
plunge my mind into insanity before long.
so i thought, a week and a half ago,
(when i was the naive me) that only one
short sharp polyphonic ear-splintering cry
would be sufficient and the rain could fall
in peace again. in peace.
but then TWO polyphonic cries echoed into
the lamenting silence and i could see
the banana yellow light shining off my face
into the deep blackness of the museum.
finally the air around me was hugging me
instead of biting and scratching. and then,
as suddenly as it had started, silence
grinned maliciously and clung to every. little.
particle. so i just hung onto the tiny bubble of
hope that i mysteriously always seem to own, though
i am sure my innocence is in jeopardy and it will
all be murdered. pity. so you left me in
a torturing emptiness that jangled my nerves
and tore apart my paper mind, even more
effectively than i could do myself.
so now musk pink lipstick beckons like never
before. and short black coffee mascara draws
a halo around itself so although the prospect's looking
bleak, it can be concealed and disguised convincingly.
written: friday 23rd april 2004, 9:12pm.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,805 Reviews
Hello, I'm Lee!
I saw this had only one review, so here I am!
I'll begin by saying flat-out that I didn't see the relevance of the title in regard to the poem. Honestly, the poem could have bee about nearly anything; apart from the use of the word "polyphonic" there is no clear connection to rock stars, or why they have no hearts.
Otherwise, it's a fairly good attempt. Your diction and imagery are nice, but it rolled out as too vague for readers to connect with. Naturally, if I can't relate, the poem will hold no feelings for me. I just read it; I didn't feel a single thing other than confusion. You have to tweak it one way or the other.
Now I'd like to talk about continuous sentences. While it's generally acceptable for a sentence to carry one to the next line or two, I've practically never seen them carry on between stanzas. This was a bad idea; it shatters the flow and makes for a very disjointed read.
I have nothing to point out about individual lines; I do like the synaesthesia in "into the deep blackness of the museum. ", and some descriptions, but nothing stands out. It isn't relatable, and I honestly can't understand the need for some parts at all:
Like this. I'm sorry, who is the narrator even addressing? This is, honestly, more of vague love poem than anything to do with rock stars.
The last thing I want to point out is the lack of capitalization. While this isn't a must in poetry, it is my personal opinion that capitalizing words where necessary adds a certainly gravity and elegance to the poem. And seeing as how the flow in this poem is greatly disrupted, this could be one of the things you change to improve it.
Well, that's all. I hope I wasn't too critical.
Wherever you are, keep writing!
- Lee
Well, first of all, I can't see how this could possibly have anything to do with rockstars having no hearts...second of all, I don't really see how this could possibly be a poem. Sure it has the stanzas and things that a poem has but there were so many odd parts, I don't think I could fully understand without it all being together in one paragraph. For instance:
Even though divided into two stanzas, this really should be combined, I mean, it's obvious it's one sentence.