Young Writers Society

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: So this was a excerpt I suppose. I think I may have run into other parts of this but I can't be a 100% sure so maybe I didn't. This one seems like a cool idea but it just didn't really much staying power at least for me so I probably will not track down any more of this but I might so you never know. It just needs a little bit more of a hook. The idea you present here seems to be lacking that a little. Besides that and one messy transition it was a pretty easy to read story that flowed quite nicely so that's there.

Anyway let's get right to it,

"So what seems to be the problem?" He asked us as we entered the foyer. It trully made up for the drearyness of the outside condition, the room was filled with smells of incence and light from a huge glass chandiler that hung from the middle of the vastness of the room.

"Well it seems Mr. Helsing the Third has challanged Maira to fight." That got Jonathon's attention, "Did you say Van Helsing?" Victor nodded. Jonathons right hand began to smooth his beard as he asked, "I suppose you want me to train her?" Victor and Maria nodded. "It seems that is a problem, I can not." Victor looked at him in shock and asked "Why not?" Jonathon turned away and said,"Its rather complicated." "Oh do tell." Victor asked him. Jonathon simply said, "It does not matter, however there is someone more trained and can teach her things we've never thought could be achieved." "And who is that?" Victor asked. "My son Gabriel." Jonathon then turned and looked out a window. "What son?" Victor asked. "Did you think Maira was the only one that was human yet vampire at the same time?"

She was shadowboxing when she got the feeling she was being watched. She began to look around and said, "I may not see you but I know your there, so you mise well come out." That was when she got her first look of Gabriel. He stepped out of the shadows Thats all i have time for bye

It would be very helpful if you posted the whole thing once you were finished instead of posting only a little bit at a time.

You have quite a bit to learn. First off, you need to indent when a new person is speaking. I would elaborate on that, but I'm not going to. I will fix your mistakes though.

"So what seems to be the problem?" (h)e (you may want to start out with a name) asked us as we entered the foyer. It trully made up for the drearyness of the outside condition, the room was filled with smells of incence and light from a huge glass chandiler that hung from the middle of the vastness of the room.
"Well it seems Mr. Helsing the Third has challanged Maira to fight."
That got Jonathon's attention, "Did you say Van Helsing?"
Victor nodded.
Jonathons right hand began to smooth his beard as he asked, "I suppose you want me to train her?" Victor and Maria nodded.
"It seems that is a problem, I can not."
Victor looked at him in shock and asked(,) "Why not?"
Jonathon turned away and said, "Its rather complicated."
"Oh(,) do tell."
Jonathon simply said, "It does not matter, however there is someone more trained and can teach her things we've never thought could be achieved."
"And who is that?" Victor asked.
"My son Gabriel."
Jonathon then turned and looked out a window.
"What son?" Victor asked.
"Did you think Maira was the only one that was human yet vampire at the same time?"
As a matter of a fact I did."
Jonathon then rang a bell near the fireplace. A young man about my age maybe older came walking downstairs. Maria's breath caught in her throat, it had been the same Gabriel she had been thinking about when jonathon said the name.
What Jonathon and Victor lacked the knowlage of was Maira and Gabriel were well aquainted.
It had been the summer of 2003 when she had met the handsome dashing, not yet a man.
She was shadowboxing when she got the feeling she was being watched. She began to look around and said, "I may not see you but I know your there, so you mise well come out."
That was when she got her first look of Gabriel. He stepped out of the shadows...


I think those corrections are about right...it is a very interesting start although it's not exactly your idea because you did not come up with the idea of Van Helsing but that's okay as long as you make the story your own and don't copy ideas from the books or movies. I would love to read more so keep me posted.

Very cool carry on plz carry on