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Little Lies continued from chapter one

by Little Dreamer


I dont have a lot of time to write but heres what I got

My question was soon answered when I stepped into my classroom, Near the front sat Jonathon. What was worse I was seated right next to him, he gave me a smile as I walked by him. I could feel my heart start to beat and my cheeks flush, i forced a smile and sat down.

As I turned to look into my bag a crumbled piece of paper flew at me, I looked up and saw amber gesturing me to read it. I then opened it, it simply said, You are so lucky.

What a swell day I thought. "Um crystal?" I looked around for the location of the voice, it was jonathon. "Yeah?" "Do you have an Eraser?" he asked. I nodded and as I leaned down to get it from my bag,"Wham!" I had hit my head on my desk. Of all things I thought mortified. "Are you ok?" he asked me. I simply nodded and found the eraser he had asked for. Great, not only was I dumb I was also a klutz. He looked at me and said "that sure is a nasty bumb on your head, are you sure your ok?" "Oh im just as swell as I can be." I said trying to hide my red cheeks from him. "Um there is something else Id like to ask you" He said running a hand through his dark hair. "Would you like to go for an ice cream soda after school with me?" Oh my goodness, jonathon had just asked me out.


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Sun Jul 19, 2020 4:32 pm
KateHardy wrote a review...



Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.

First Impression: So this was a really short story that you got there. I'm not sure if it connects to anything else because I can't seem to find a connection between this one and the previous labelled with this name. But maybe I'm just not getting it...I am stupid. Anyway besides that appears to be a nice little skit. Not a lot happening plotwise but there appears to be a tiny bit of character in there with some emotion so there's that.

Anyway let's get right to it,

My question was soon answered when I stepped into my classroom, Near the front sat Jonathon. What was worse I was seated right next to him, he gave me a smile as I walked by him. I could feel my heart start to beat and my cheeks flush, i forced a smile and sat down.


Okay not a bad start at all. You get a sense of the emotion right away which is always nice to have at the beginning.

What a swell day I thought. "Um crystal?" I looked around for the location of the voice, it was jonathon. "Yeah?" "Do you have an Eraser?" he asked. I nodded and as I leaned down to get it from my bag,"Wham!" I had hit my head on my desk. Of all things I thought mortified. "Are you ok?" he asked me. I simply nodded and found the eraser he had asked for. Great, not only was I dumb I was also a klutz. He looked at me and said "that sure is a nasty bumb on your head, are you sure your ok?" "Oh im just as swell as I can be." I said trying to hide my red cheeks from him. "Um there is something else Id like to ask you" He said running a hand through his dark hair. "Would you like to go for an ice cream soda after school with me?" Oh my goodness, jonathon had just asked me out.


If you looks beyond the missing capital letters and commas, I'm not going to point those out since someone already did and let's face it you'll never actually ever see this and edit it., this paragraph does a fairly good job of demonstrating a situation like this. I think the dialogue and actions are quite realistic for a situation like this and the characters are doing believable things that would happen in real life.

Aaand that's it for this one.

Overall: It's a nice little story. Very simple without any sort of message or anything but it was a fun little thing to read and I enjoyed it.

As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.

Stay Safe
Harry




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Tue May 17, 2005 7:43 pm
Little Dreamer says...



oh yeah about swell...teens actually did say that in the 50's...ive seen quite a bit of movies where they used swell...but i cant remember any other words(lol) :lol:




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Tue May 17, 2005 7:41 pm
Little Dreamer says...



Can you help me on 50's pharses???Thanx for the crit.




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Mon May 16, 2005 9:41 pm
Mattie wrote a review...



Let me fix the errors for you:

My question was soon answered when I stepped into (the) classroom(.) Near the front sat Jonathon. What was (even more terrible was that) I was seated right next to him(.) (H)e (smiled at me) as I walked by him. I could feel my heart start to beat (faster) and my cheeks (begin) (maybe turn red?). (I) forced a smile (back at him) and sat down.
As I turned to look into my bag(,) a crum(p)led piece of paper flew at me(.) (Grabbing it,) I looked up and saw (A)mber gesturing (for) me to read it. I then opened it(.) (I)t simply (read) (")You are so lucky.(")
What a swell (maybe use a different word. Not many teens say "swell") day I thought. "Um(,) (C)rystal?" I looked around for the location of the voice, it was (J)onathon.
"Yeah?"
"Do you have an (e)raser?" he asked.
I nodded(.) (A)s I leaned down to get it from my bag, (Wham in Italics)
I had hit my head on my desk. Of all things(,) I thought(,) (totally) mortified. "Are you (okay)?" he asked me.
I simply nodded and found the eraser he had asked for.
Great, not only was I dumb(,) I was also a klutz.
He looked at me(,) "(T)hat sure is a nasty bum(p) on your head(.) (A)re you sure you('re) (okay)?" (maybe say "as he reached out to touch it. I quickly pulled away.")
"Oh(,) (I)(')m just as swell (again with the word) as I can be." I said trying to hide my red cheeks from him. "Um(,) there is something else I(')d like to ask you(.)" He (stammered?) (while) running a hand through his dark hair. "Would you like to go for an ice cream soda after school with me?"
Oh my goodness, (I don't think they'd say that either. Maybe Oh my gawd?) (J)onathon had just asked me out(!)

I don't know if some corrections were neccesary seeing as I haven't read the whole thing because I don't know the setting. Feel free to keep what is supposed to be there like the words.





Light griefs are loquacious, but the great are dumb.
— Seneca